The Other Guys

We've been having a lot of fun with Republicans lately, and with good reason.  Republicans are notoriously fun.  There's like 300 of them, and some of them don't believe in science, and most of them do believe in being irrationally angry about things.  And they've got that reality TV guy with the "hair".  "You're fired", says he.  If the Presidential race was just Republicans it would be endlessly entertaining, and also terrifying. 

But see, there are these other guys.  I've heard people on cable news refer to them vaguely, in passing, as Democrats.  Am I getting that right?  Democrats?  They're a secretive second party, which also appears to have hopes of winning the 2016 election.  That lady Republicans are always bad-mouthing, Hillary something, I've heard she's one of them.  I've heard the current President is one of them too, but I've also heard he's a muslim so I don't really trust my intel.  I definitely needed to look into these "Democrats" a little bit more, so that's what I did.

First of all, it seems like they only have five candidates.  Do you even clusterfuck, bro?  How are you supposed to have a debate with just five people?  Viewers might actually hear what the candidates think and believe.  Seems like a bad plan.  Also, they haven't had any debates yet.  The Republicans have been debating the crap out of each other.  A couple of them have already bailed.*

*Sidenote...Scott Walker dropped out.  If you don't know a ton about politics, just take my word for it, you're really happy about this.  No matter who actually wins the election, you will be better off because it will not be Scott Walker.

So let's get to the Democratic candidates.  I broke them down into a category and then just some people, because there are only six of them (five candidates and one Biden), so I didn't really need a lot of categories.

Invisible Kids

Jim Webb
Jim Webb is running a very subversive campaign.  Did I say subversive?  I meant subterranean.  Has anyone seen Jim Webb since he announced his candidacy in July?  Are we sure he's OK?  Webb is a former Senator from a state with actual people in it.  He's got a military background and he actually looks like a guy who could be President, which you, sadly, cannot say about some of these other people and we'll get to that.  Webb seems genuinely qualified and his bio reads like that of a serious person, but he's polling below 1%.  What gives?  Hey Jim!  There's this thing called going on TV.  You should try it.

Lincoln Chafee
Lincoln is a former Republican Governor turned Democrat.  To be fair, he was the Governor of Rhode Island, so settle down, but still.  Lincoln's first campaign speech included advocating for the metric system.  It was one of many things he suggested in the course of that speech, and is by no means an integral part of his platform, but it's all anyone talked about after.  If Chafee had even one good advisor, they would have told him that would happen.  Americans hate the metric system because Europe is stupid, and now they hate Lincoln Chafee. 

Also, something about Lincoln Chafee reminds me of Scooby Doo.  It's like when I always say that Ted Cruz looks like a muppet.  He doesn't really look like a muppet, but that's what his face reminds me of.  Lincoln Chafee's face reminds me of Scooby Doo.

Martin O'Malley
Martin would win my home town in a landslide with that name.  It seems like he would lose the rest of the country though.  Hey Martin, how'd you like to be President of Rockaway?  We have a beach and also seagulls! 

Martin, Jim and Lincoln should start a punk band called the Margins of Error.  I feel like I'd buy that album.

Anyway, on to people who might actually do something.

Bernie Sanders
I have to admit to being very skeptical about Bernie.  I feel like we've been down this road before.  Remember the 2000 election?  In the primary, John McCain seemed really honest and mavericky and stuff, and people got pretty excited about him being something of an outsider.  By 2008, we found out that John was mostly a political hack like everyone else.  Bernie's been in Congress for a long time.  I get why he has some progressive street cred, and why he gets some benefit of the doubt, I'm just saying, Bernie's been in Congress for a long time. 

Bernie's history of votes on gun control bills is, to put it generously, troubling.  And the excuses he offers often sound a lot like the excuses Republicans offer.  I know Sanders isn't a gun nut, they don't even have guns in Vermont.  They just throw ice cream and syrup at each other when they get angry, it's safe and delicious.  So why does gun control make Bernie so grumpy?  It's a good question.

I'm also a little concerned about how a guy who looks and sounds like Doc Brown will do in a general election, and he'll probably need the political equivalent of 1.21 gigawatts of power to get the Republican Congress to do anything he wants to do with the economy.  I'm not saying I'm not voting for Bernie, but I'm not sold yet.

Hillary Clinton
I've made my thoughts on Hillary Clinton pretty clear.  I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton.  So let me just add this.  I really feel like Republicans need to stop talking about Benghazi and start just focusing on this thing with her emails.  My read on Benghazi is that it was always a fake scandal, but even if it wasn't, the party that gave George W. Bush a pass on 3,000 American lives doesn't get to throw stones about four.

The email thing is a real thing.  It seems like, when she was Secretary of State, national security information wasn't as secure as it should have been.  I feel like, if that statement is verifiably true about someone, that person shouldn't get to be President.  I think sometimes we make elections too complicated.  There are 320 million people in this country, and only one of them can be President at a time.  That makes me think that if we know someone scored, let's say, a B- on the keeping classified information safe test, maybe we should just look elsewhere.

I also think the Clinton Foundation stuff might be a real thing too, but Republicans seem to have dropped it.  Maybe just too much math.  I don't know.  Either way, we know Hillary Clinton is beatable because Barack Obama already did it, so somebody needs to step up because Barack is out of bullets.

Joe Biden
It's hard for me to imagine Joe Biden as President.  He just seems kind of silly to me, like a guy who just can't quite fill the big chair.  But maybe that's unfair.  Biden is very knowledgeable about foreign and domestic policy, he's experienced and likable and he knows Hillary's weaknesses as well as anyone who might run.  If we've been waiting for someone to save us from Hillary, maybe Joe Biden is who we've been waiting for.

So why can't I shake this feeling that he's actually going to help Hillary?  My read on the current state of the Democratic nomination process is that about half of Bernie Sanders' votes are "anyone but Hillary" votes.  Doesn't Biden take all of those while leaving Bernie with the people who just like Bernie?  Doesn't splitting the rest of the party really help Hillary?  What am I missing here?  Doesn't a Biden announcement now bury Sanders right when he has the momentum?  Aren't I asking a lot of rhetorical questions?

It's also worth pointing out that Joe Biden is, you know, not running yet.  Usually people who aren't running yet poll a little better than third if they're actually going to cause serious trouble once they do run.  Most of these guys do better before they have to start talking.  I'd be really surprised if Joe Biden becomes a serious contender.  To be honest, I'm starting to think I'd be really surprised if he runs.  I'm not sure he wants to. 

Hillary is still the obvious favorite.  If you forced me to put money on someone, I'd have to put it on her, but I wouldn't have to like it.

That's all the Democrats.  I know, seems like not enough.  Maybe Rand Paul and John Kasich can jump over to the Democratic field and see if maybe they can get some traction.  Kasich/Paul 2016!