Revelation 6:8

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him"

So why I am quoting the bible today? It's not really my thing, right? Well, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school, so at one time or another, I've read or heard pretty much every word in that book. And while I don't, ya know, believe most of it, I happily concede that a lot of it is very well written; and this verse from the book of revelation is my favorite. I think of it whenever I see something that makes me wonder if we're all going to die soon.

That explains why I'm quoting the bible, but why my favorite quote, and why today? Well, it seems Sean Hannity's white power book tour (err...conservative victory tour) has landed in Minnesota this evening. First of all, I'm selling Minnesota to Canada the first chance I get, they were already on thin ice, I warned them. More importantly, while he was in town, Hannity decided to interview Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. That was bound to happen eventually, but it just so happened that former almost one term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was in Minnesota today campaigning for Bachmann, and she joined them too.

Do you understand what I'm describing? Hannity and Palin and Bachmann. It's an apocalyptic vortex of fantasy and insanity. Combined IQ: 39ish. Combined crazy quotient: eleventy billion. I didn't even know it was happening. I just flipped through the news channels during a commercial break in the Yankee game and there it was, like a mushroom cloud of stupidity.

I wanted to document the whole hour, but every time I tried to listen for more than 3 minutes straight, blood started coming out of my ears. I've been told spontaneous ear bleeding is bad, so I'll have to jump in and out and just give you the highlights.

(by the way, I jumped to the Yankee game and saw Chan Ho Park...pitching for the Yankees...in a tie game...against Boston. Is there anything on TV that won't make my ears bleed?)

First of all, at least Palin and Hannity are dressed like grown-ups. Bachmann is wearing what I would describe as a taxi cab hood that she stole and fashioned into a jacket. This reminded me of the 2008 campaign when everyone made fun of Hillary Clinton's ridiculous pantsuits and her friends in the media called it sexist because no one makes fun of the male politicians' clothes. Well, I don't see a lot of male politicians in bright yellow jackets.

Palin (right off the bat): "we're not gonna retreat, we're gonna reload". Nothing like a gun metaphor in a time of amped up rhetoric and high emotion. Yes, everyone with a brain understands she's not actually suggesting people reload and go shoot someone. But this is the Hannity show, plenty of people without brains are watching (two people without brains are sitting right next to her).

Bachmann: "people are recognizing we're losing something really valuable". Was she talking about her mind? Was she talking about our sacred right to die young because we couldn't get health care? Oh, she was talking about freedom. Well then.

Six minutes in, we get a "socialism" from Palin and another one right back at her from Hannity. Glad to see they haven't forgotten their talking points. Barack Obama is a radical. You know how I know that? Because Sean Hannity says it every 17 seconds.

Hannity just took a minute to compliment Palin's facebook popularity. It's true, she's like the most popular girl in Hannity's high school. I wonder if they're going steady yet. Meanwhile, Bachmann seems to have picked up Palin's ability to speak without punctuation. When you add Bachmann's crazy eyes and subtract Palin's cool Alaska accent, it really doesn't work as well.

Bachmann (on the health care bill): "we need to tell the truth about the bill". I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I have to wonder if other people can hear themselves talk. I suddenly have a headache.

Palin: "the lamestream media...they'll call us fear mongers"
Bachmann (around 7 minutes later): "we need to be on red hot alert, five alarm alert"

The three of them are all kinds of worked up about Obama's new nuclear weapons policy, which is essentially that we won't use our nuclear weapons against nations who attack us with non-nuclear weapons. I don't know, that seems sort of reasonable to me. Bachmann said "it's an insane policy, and ridiculous, and morally reprehensible" and suggested that anything short of using nuclear weapons is equivalent to saying that it's "OK" to attack us.

Listen, I actually agree with the general notion that it's not a great idea to take options off the table before a hypothetical attack even happens. Furthermore, taking options off the table in advance like that is something I'm pretty sure President Obama, while campaigning, specifically said he wouldn't do. However, in the 65 years since we last used nuclear weapons, we've come up with plenty of other good ways to make things explode. I'm not that worried.

Bachmann: "Our policy for the last 50 years of being ready to defend western Europe against the Soviets has worked." Yes, that's true, it's been especially effective for the last 20 or so years. Those Soviets aren't even looking at Poland now! Be warned Soviets, don't you dare try and take West Germany, Congresswoman Bachmann has her eye on you.

Bachmann (about Obama): "he's engaged in fantasy politics...something crazy...something crazy...fantasy national security". Michele Bachmann just accused someone of living in a fantasy world. MICHELE BACHMANN! I feel like John McEnroe arguing with an umpire..."WHAT?!? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!" Michele Bachmann's whole life is a fantasy.

Hannity is a talking points machine. You can't get that guy off message. I think even Palin is a little annoyed by it. By the way, I've been to Minnesota, I'm positive I saw black people there. None in the arena tonight though. Odd.

Bachmann: "the American people have been had by the politicians they elected". I'm sorry Michele, what is it you do again? Some kind of government job, you say? Hmmmm.

The last thing I heard before I passed out was Hannity asking the crowd if they'd like to see a Palin/Bachmann Presidential ticket in 2012. Did the crowd respond with stunned silence? No. Did they gasp in horror? Nope. They cheered...loudly...and they were totally serious. So yeah, it's entirely possible that we're all going to die soon. You've been warned.

What Are They Up To?

I'm starting to feel like I finally achieved my dream of moving to Edmonton or Alaska, only nobody told me. If you live in the northeast or mid-atlantic, you know what I'm talking about. There's snow everywhere, it's like some kind of Dickensian frozen hellscape out there. The sun doesn't help, it just makes the blinding white snow even brighter. Yesterday I felt like Forrest Gump. There was big snow, little snow, sideways snow, upside down snow. I'm thinking of investing in some cross-country skis, or a plow for the front of my car. I'm not complaining, I like winter, I like snow, I love the cold.

The best part about all of this is the reaction of climate change deniers. Hannity, Goldmember Beck, Big Fat Rush, other conservative pundits and commentators on Fox, lots of Republican Congressmen and Senators. They believe, because it's cold right now, that this completely destroys all theories of global warming and climate change. That's pretty dumb. These people are suggesting, with straight faces, that snow, in winter, means climate change is just a big liberal myth. How dumb is that?

Sometime in our infancy, after birth but well before we learn not to fear the toilet, we develop our understanding of object permanence. That is, the understanding that things we've seen before continue to exist even when we cannot see them. So basically, when you say that climate change is all a myth because you're cold right now, even though you know, say, that last decade was the hottest decade we've ever seen, you're making an argument that even a 1 year old would find implausible.

I saw Olbermann and Jon Stewart, among others, hammering the deniers pretty hard for this. That kind of insane stupidity is right in their wheelhouses. But see, I'm not buying it. I refuse to believe that all of the people I've seen mocking Al Gore this week because it's snowing are actually that stupid. Rush maybe, Jim Inhofe definitely, but not all of them. No way. Take Beck, he's not a dumb guy. He plays dumb for his audience sometimes, but he's a master manipulator, pretty funny (sometimes intentionally) and he knows a lot of big words, like communist and eugenics and oligarchy (although that one took him two tries) and woodrowwilson (that might be two words, I'll have to check that). Anyway, my point is, I'm positive Glenn is at least as smart as, say, a four year old, or a chimp.

Hannity too. He doesn't play dumb on TV so much as he plays willfully ignorant. But Hannity also knows big words, like propaganda and hyperbole, and I've seen him use his opposable thumbs to throw a football and hold a piece of paper. He too, is definitely at least as mentally capable as a toddler or a lower primate.

That brings us to my question. What are these people up to? Are they just trying to bait Democrats into a climate change fight so it looks like they're not paying attention to the economy and terrorism? Are they just trying to kill that idiot-ass cap and trade bill? I still say my argument against cap and trade (that it's stupid and won't even do much for the environment, you can read all about it in one of my earlier posts) is better than any other argument I've heard. Are they just trying to make Democrats look generally silly?

I don't know, this seems like kind of a stupid way to do any of those things, and Democrats can look silly all on their own. Is it just because ignoring science is generally good policy in the Republican party right now? This time, I'm really just asking questions. I honestly don't know. But I want to know. Conservatives everywhere spent the last two days saying incredibly stupid things on TV, and I honestly believe many of them know better. What are they up to?