Thankfulness Neutral

Around this time of year, most sports commentators and web sites give us lists of things for which they are thankful. I don't want to be a jerk, but going on and on about what I'm thankful for doesn't really sound like me. I've decided on a compromise. I'll give you a list of five things I'm thankful for and five things I'm not. Call it thankfulness neutral. It's like being carbon neutral, only with less hippies and more regularly shaped light bulbs.

I'm thankful for the Yankees' world series win. I always try to explain to fans of other teams what it's like to be a Yankee fan. It's a joyless sports existence. Fans of other teams celebrate when their team wins. They cheer and jump up and down, and sometimes they turn over cars(I'm looking at you, Utah fans. You can't fool me, I know what you've got planned for if the Jazz ever win a title). When the Yankees win, I just breath a sigh of relief and start worrying about next season. And when they don't win, it's just awful, because you always feel like they're supposed to. So, the Yankees spared me this year, and I appreciate it (although I'm still already worrying about next year, I hear they plan on putting Joba back in the rotation, I'm thinking of going down to the stadium and protesting, who's with me?)

I'm thankful for living in Connecticut during football season. The list of good things about living in Connecticut is pretty short. I don't think it's Connecticut's fault. Once you live in New York, everywhere else sucks. But I've got two reasons why I'm happy to be here during football season. First, it gave me a great reason to become a Patriots fan. I've never really had a football team. I liked the Houston Oilers when I was a kid, then they moved. I liked Tampa for a while, but they got boring when they won a superbowl. I never got behind the two New York teams. The Jets are just an abomination, everything about them screams "we'll never be that good". I don't know what my problem is with the Giants. For me, the Giants are like that guy you work with, he never did anything to you and he's probably a decent guy, but you just hate his face for some reason.

The other good part of living here during football season is the games I get to see. In New York, I got the Giants, the Jets and usually one other game. Here, I get the New York and Hartford networks, so I get the Giants, Jets, Pats and usually one other game on top of that. I know it sounds like only one extra game, but having two games on for all six hours most weeks is clutch, especially since NFL games spend as much time in commercials as they do showing you actual football.

I'm thankful for fantasy football. This was a close one for me, I could go either way. I'm a hyper-competitive person, I need to win at everything. So, every Sunday my fantasy team loses is completely ruined. If my team was 3-8, this would have probably gone in the not thankful category. Luckily, we're 9-2, so I'm pretty pleased (although this week isn't looking good, my opponent's up like 40 points after the Thanksgiving games, I think it should be illegal in fantasy football to use anyone who's playing the Raiders, it's just not fair).

Winning isn't a good enough reason to be thankful though. I appreciate fantasy football because of how interesting it makes unbearable games. This week, the Rams are playing the Seahawks. What a total garbage dump of a game. They should make guys in prison who killed people watch this game as punishment. But I'll be glued to any updates and highlights from this game, because I'm counting on the Seahawks' back-up running back to have a big game. Earlier this year, the Jets played the Raiders. That game was over immediately after the teams were introduced, but I watched every second, because I had the Jets defense. It takes something special to make football, which is already pretty great, roughly 39 times more interesting, we should all be thankful for fantasy football. The first guy who came up with the idea should have a monument somewhere in his honor (until my team loses this week, or in the playoffs, then screw him).

I'm thankful for the Monday Night Football announcing booth. When I was at my aunt and uncle's house for Thanksgiving, one of my cousins said he didn't like the MNF booth. I guess I shouldn't have dropped him on his head so much when we were kids. Seriously, I can't think of one sporting event I wouldn't want those three guys to announce, even if they didn't know anything about it. It's the best booth in sports, and it's not even close, and I should have the power to suspend anyone who disagrees from watching sports for a month.

Finally, I'm thankful for ESPN. I think we all need to take a minute to give thanks for this. ESPN gets taken for granted because we've had it for so long now, but I think we have to remember how awesome this is. Before ESPN, the only way to see sports highlights, was to watch the crappy local news for a half hour and hope they'd show you some good stuff at the end. Now, not only do we get all the good highlights, but we get so much sports that we even get the unwatchable things (I'm looking at you WNBA). I remember not having cable until I was maybe 9 or 10, no ESPN, it was awful. Life would be unbearable without ESPN, and I'm pretty sure I'm right about that.

I am not thankful for hockey on Versus. It's not so bad now, I miss a couple of games a week that I'd get if they were on ESPN, but I still get three local teams and I can deal with it. However, the hockey playoffs are the single best thing in sports, and instead of getting games on ESPN and ESPN2 like I used to, I get nothing. I've said before, I don't understand this strategy by the NHL. It's like they're playing hide and seek with me, but they're great hiders and I'm a terrible seeker. I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it, let's move on.

I'm not thankful for the BCS. I'm not sure anyone whose business card doesn't read "college president" is. This may be the single worst thing about sports in America. It looks like we may get 4 or 5 undefeated teams this year, so I'm looking forward to total chaos and to seeing BCS apologists tell me why it's actually a great thing that TCU never lost a game but still doesn't get to play for a title.

Did you read my paragraph about living in Connecticut during football season? Well, that's how I feel about living near New York during basketball season, only the exact opposite. Not thankful doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm not close enough to Boston to get Celtics games on NESN, so it's just the regular New York basketball I've always had. In my NBA preview post, I wrote that you could combine the Nets and Knicks rosters and you still wouldn't get a playoff team. After a month of the season, I'm not sure you even get an NBA team. The Nets are steaming toward the worst start in NBA history, but honestly, the Knicks are even worse. The Knicks aren't even trying, and the fact that Isaiah Thomas traded every first round pick the Knicks had until 2026 means they don't even get anything for sucking. A month ago I called the Knicks a craptastrophy, I'm thinking about downgrading them to catastrophuck.

I am not thankful for commercials. If the BCS isn't the worst thing about sports in America, commercials definitely are, especially this time of year. I'm like four commercials away from burning down a Best Buy (I'll do it when no one's inside, I'm not a monster, OK fine, I won't burn anything down, stupid society, always looking down on arson).

Finally, I'm not thankful for Allen Iverson's current pseudo-retirement. Allen Iverson is the best point guard in NBA history. You heard me. Not arguably the best, or maybe the best, just the best. Make yourself a list of the best point guards in NBA history, then cross out the name of anyone would couldn't possibly guard Iverson. If you haven't crossed out every name except Gary Payton (and maybe Isaiah Thomas, although probably not) then go back and do it again, you are awarded no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. People will say he was never really a pure point guard, because he wasn't a good sharer. Fine, let's both start basketball teams, you take the guy who can't really shoot that well and doesn't have the skills to get to the hoop and finish, but makes up for it by passing the ball to other guys who can do those things. I'll take the guy with all the talent. Let's see who wins.

I really want some NBA team to sign Iverson. I think he still has a lot left, and I don't want to see him go out like this. The problem is Iverson needs to go to a team where he can be the alpha dog. Good teams already have one of those, and bad teams don't want him because the 8-10 extra wins he might give them still won't get them anywhere. Still, somebody should sign Allen, for the most simple reason in sports. He's better then the guy they currently have at his position. And if you think he'll destroy your locker room or your chemistry, then get yourself a better coach. Because if you're bad team, and you can't figure out a way to use a player who's probably still better than all the other players you have, then you might as well just give all your season ticket holders their money back and call it a season.