The Fall Of An Empire

Before I start, quick prediction for this weekend's big Pacquiao vs. Cotto fight. I like Cotto, 7th or 8th round KO. Cotto's only loss was to a guy who was later suspended for basically filling his gloves with cement, so Cotto is still undefeated in my book. Cotto's a little bit naturally bigger and stronger, and I'm not sure Pacquiao can put him down. I've seen Pacquiao get frustrated and sloppy in the past when he can't get someone out early, I know he's a much more well-rounded fighter now, but I still think some of that impatience comes out here and Cotto gets an impressive win. OK, on to the blog.

I just spent a few minutes looking 25 years into the future (that new Droid thing from Verizon has an application for viewing the future) and I was very concerned about something I saw. I saw a once mighty empire in ruins, old venerable buildings in disrepair, unemployed 350 pound men wandering the landscape. It was terrible.

Am I talking about the American empire? Nope. I think we'll be fine. I've already said, we may be the ancient Romans, but I'm not scared of the Canadians, even if they've improved and expanded on the Soviet Union's snow-powered missile technology. No, I'm talking about a much larger, richer and more powerful empire, the National Football League. You might ask, "what could possibly be wrong with the NFL?". And most people would probably say the short answer to that question is "nothing" and the long answer to that question is "nooooooothinggggggggg". I disagree, and I'll tell you why.

It starts with something that's annoying me a bit today. It seems there's an NFL game tonight. Not a scrimmage or a pre-season game they forgot to play, an actual regular season game. It's on the NFL network. I assume the plan is to get people to buy the NFL network or demand that their cable provider add the NFL network because they want to see these late-season Thursday night games (by the way, if that is the plan, we're not off to a very good start. Tonight's final score was San Francisco 10, Chicago 6. Two pretty mediocre teams playing a game that must have been torture to watch, get it together NFL). This is kind of a crappy thing to do, but I don't really care, that's not why I think it's a problem.

This is the hubris of unnecessary expansion, this is the NHL setting up a team in Phoenix, or Napoleon invading Russia. The NHL didn't need a team in the desert, because sand and hockey generally don't mix. Napoleon didn't need Russia, because I'm sure he could get all the beets and vodka he needed in France. The NFL doesn't need its own network. They only play four months a year, and in those four months they only have like 8 actual games on their network. What are they supposed to do with the rest of the time? I have a feeling we'll eventually spend a lot of time finding out what cheerleaders do in the off-season (I really wanted to make a stripping joke here, but I'm sure most of them are very nice young ladies). Either that or we'll be monitoring the rate of stubble growth on Brett Favre's face while he decides whether or not to play for the 2015 Los Angeles Jaguars (by 2020 they'll rename this team the Los Angeles Half-Empty Stadiums). This is always one of the first signs of an empire about to collapse, so it got me looking around, and I found some other problems.

It's never a good thing when the poor and underprivileged in your empire get to the point of hopelessness. Not everyone can be rich, but a healthy empire creates opportunity for people to pull themselves up and make a better life. Look at some of the awful franchises in the NFL, even when they have one or two good seasons, they're still awful. Tampa won a Superbowl and they're still a joke. Whole neighborhoods of the NFL (like the NFC west) are in total disarray. Meanwhile, the ruling class, like, say, my New England Patriots, go about their affluent business, barely noticing the untouchable Rams and Buccaneers. It's a sad state of affairs, and a very bad thing.

On top of that, people in the NFL don't seem to be allowed to have fun anymore. The Germans always have this problem. They're very good at building empires, but it's always all business, no fun. Next thing you know, Allied troops are rolling into Berlin and there's nothing you can do about it. And everyone remembers that day in 121 A.D. when Emperor Hadrian outlawed celebratory dancing after chariot race wins. Rome was never the same. Every Sunday during the NFL season, I see at least two plays that leave me wondering how the guy who was carrying the ball still has his head attached to the rest of him. Are we really that worried about the social impact of someone dancing around like an idiot after a touchdown?

Finally, I'm concerned about competing leagues. Usually, a young and thriving empire starts out with conquering a few semi-worthy foes, then you get a long period where everyone just sort of leaves them alone. But then, you start to get new challengers to the suddenly old and lethargic empire, the first ones are no problem, but they get more and more feisty until, one day, Visigoths are setting your house on fire.

Well, the NFL dispatched the AFL and USFL with ease and poise. Then Arena football came along, they just sort of did their own thing and didn't bother anyone. But then, a couple of years ago, my buddy Dave pointed me to the website for the AAFL. What a mess. An awful combination of guys you never heard of and guys you just think you never heard of because they were so forgettable. This league folded before they even played a game (they had a draft though, so good for them). I think it technically still exists, but I'm not exactly getting money together for my season tickets.

Now, we have the UFL, they're actually playing. Not a threat yet, but you can see the competition improving with each try. Eventually, I think someone gets it right. The key will be getting Vegas to promote gambling on your league the way they do with the NFL (no problem there) and getting sports websites to create fantasy football around your league that can compete with NFL fantasy football (big problem there). Still, I think someone gets it done, and maybe sooner then we think. Not to worry though football fans, if we've learned anything from historical empires it's that whenever one collapses, there's another one around the corner. Well usually, hopefully we're not heading for football dark ages.