Moon: 2026

When I found out Russia and Qatar would be hosting the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively, I immediately had an idea, possibly my greatest idea ever. Maybe even the greatest idea anyone has ever had. So, as promised, here's my bid to host the 2026 World Cup...on the Moon.

First, we'll need a logo. Duh! The Moon is already round. Obviously, we just photo shop a picture of the Moon to make it look like a soccer ball, right? WRONG! We paint the actual Moon like a soccer ball. No other prospective host country could pull this off, because countries aren't round and in space. And think about the marketing implications. You wouldn't have to advertise the World Cup on TV at all, because it would be advertised in the sky every night. Right off the bat, this is the best idea you've ever heard. You know it is.

What about stadiums? I admit, the Moon, for some reason, currently has zero soccer stadiums. According to the internets, Qatar needs to build 9 soccer stadiums by 2022, having only three right now. So, the Moon only has three less soccer stadiums than Qatar, and four more years to build.

More importantly, the Moon has 1/6 of Earth's gravity, and I've decided that makes it 36 times easier to build a stadium on the Moon. So, in the time it takes Qatar to build 9 soccer stadiums, we should be able to build 324 stadiums on the Moon. We'll have stadiums to spare, which is good, because some of them might be destroyed by large meteoroids.

What about weather? Another big advantage for the Moon, because the Moon doesn't have any weather due to having essentially no atmosphere. Rain isn't even possible on the Moon, perfect for a sporting event. Who wants to see a soccer game in the rain? Not me.

Now, that no atmosphere thing may sound like a problem, what with there being no oxygen and crazy temperature extremes. Not to worry though. First of all, it snows 13 months a year in Russia (lousy Smarch weather!) and it's 152 degrees in Qatar in the summer, so don't talk to me about temperatures.

As for the oxygen problem, scuba divers breath underwater, don't they? Soccer players will have four years to practice playing in space suits. I suppose we could just build domes instead of open air stadiums, but what sounds like more fun to you? Dome soccer or space suit soccer? Yeah, I thought so, space suits it is.

What about fans? Nobody lives on the Moon. First of all, nobody lives in Qatar either. Secondly, nobody lives on the Moon...now. We're talking about 2026. For all we know, the Moon could be hopping with space cities by then. And since the Moon cities will all be named for their corporate sponsors (Budweiser Moon City, Viagra Moon Village, Citi City on the Moon, etc), you get more marketing tie-ins.

Still, like Qatar, the Moon World Cup will need plenty of visitors from other places to succeed. How will we get all those people to and from the Moon? I'm becoming concerned that we won't have our rocket cars and teleportation devices by 2026. Where's the future I was promised? George Jetson lied to me! Anyway, we've got alternatives. Maybe a giant ladder, maybe we hitch a ride with aliens, maybe we find a way to pull the Moon closer, we've got 16 years to figure this out and it seems clear that successful World Cup bids can have some holes. We'll get there. If you build it on the Moon, they will come.

At this point, you might be asking, "Sean, are you just bitter because the U.S. didn't get the 2022 World Cup?" Of course not, that's ridiculous. Why would the World Cup come to America, we don't even like soccer. The World Cup should only ever be held in England, Italy, Spain and, of course, on the Moon.

Other awesome pros for the Moon:
1) The moon is made of cheese. That's right, free cheese for everyone!
2) Krusty the Clown taught us that you can get high by freebasing ground up moon rocks, so that'll be fun.
3) MoonPies are awesome.
4) What happens on the Moon stays on the Moon.
5) There's oil everywhere on the Moon, so we can use the moon oil money to bribe...oh no wait, that's not how the Moon gets the World Cup, nevermind.

Now, to be fair, there are some concerns we'll have to deal with. The lack of gravity could mean we lose some errant balls, and maybe even a flopping South American or two, to the black void of space. We can spare the balls, and as far as I'm concerned, being lost in space is an appropriate punishment for flopping.

I'm also a little concerned about the TV broadcasts. I don't want to have to get up at 7AM to watch a soccer game. What time is it on the Moon? We'll need to get some science nerds on this, I'm sure Stephen Hawking can figure it out.

Other then those two little problems, I think we're all set. Let me ask you something. If you were going on vacation, and you had to choose between Russia, Qatar and the Moon, which would you choose? Of course you would choose the Moon. IT'S THE F*CKING MOON! And that's where I'll leave it, with a choice of slogans.

Slogan #1: "It's no stupider than Russia or Qatar."
Slogan #2: "Because it's the f*cking moon, that's why!"