Telemarketer From The NRA

You wouldn't say I have a fun job. I sit in an office, I do work. Sometimes people talk to me, sometimes funny things happen outside my window (like the time the facilities department here got one of their trucks stuck in the mud outside and then got a second truck stuck trying to get the first one out). For the most part, it's pretty boring. Every once in a while though, I get some fun at work, even just a few minutes is appreciated.

Today, I had a few minutes of fun, because I got a call from a telemarketer. Here's how the call went (approximately, I wasn't taking notes, but this is basically how it went):

Telemarketer: I'm glad I finally got in touch with you, I'm calling from the National Rifle Association. Sean, when was the last time you had a chance to get out and go hunting up in that part of Connecticut?
Me: Never (I might have already been laughing at him just a little at this point).
Telemarketer (undeterred by my giggling): Never? That's OK, most NRA members aren't hunters, they're just ordinary Americans concerned about protecting our 2nd amendment rights. Did you know that Attorney General Eric Holder is currently working on a law which would take all handguns and firearms out of the hands of law abiding citizens? This would mean the criminals would be the only ones left with guns.
Me: You're suggesting that the Obama administration has a secret plan to leave criminals as the only people in the country with guns? That sounds like a terrible plan.
Telemarketer (mostly ignoring me): Don't you think it's important to protect our second amendment rights?
Me: The second amendment doesn't have anything to do with personal gun ownership.
Telemarketer: Sure it does, the second amendment is the one that protects your right to keep and bare arms.
Me: I'm not a member of a well-regulated militia.
Telemarketer: Can I sign you up for a five year NRA membership for just $125? Or would you prefer the three year membership for just $85?
Me (laughing at him pretty audibly at this point): What? No.

At that point, the telemarketer hung up on me. I feel like getting a telemarketer to hang up on me is a pretty solid accomplishment. I only have a couple of comments:

First of all, telemarketer for the NRA has to be one of the worst jobs you could have, right? People have really strong opinions about guns, and some of those strong opinions are really negative. I can't imagine the words that guy probably gets called everyday, and based on his staunch adherence to his script, even when I was openly mocking the NRA's beliefs, I'd say it's possible he doesn't even care about gun rights.

Secondly, I've noticed I haven't been writing about politics too much lately, and I think this is why. I'm just tired of the nonsense. Barack Obama's secret plan to take guns away from all the law abiding citizens, leaving only criminals armed. I don't even know where to begin. Democrats aren't any better. MSNBC spent like three days trying to blame the BP oil spill on Dick Cheney.

This just in from the MSNBC news center: "Sometime between tomorrow and 5 billion years from now, the sun's nuclear fuel will run out. Fusion will cease and the sun will balloon to a red giant star before it's final death as a white dwarf. Any life left on Earth will die unless it can find some way to leave. Can we blame this on the Bush administration? You bet your ass we can!"

I'm still really interested in politics and, soon, I'll probably get back to paying close attention and writing about it sometimes. For now, I can't even laugh at Glenn Beck anymore. If you can watch Glenn for a whole hour and not laugh your ass off at least once, you know it's time for a little break.

Afghanistanimation And American Exceptionalism

Super Troopers is a great movie, isn't it? Unfortunately, we don't have time to talk about Car Ramrod and chugging maple syrup, because, as usual, we're like four moves away from world war 3. So, I should talk about how the President just decided to send another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. I should talk about this because it's important, but also because it gives me the opportunity to do something I love doing. I get to completely disagree with both sides of an argument. There was a lot of reaction to President's decision, and I think almost all of it was pretty stupid.

First, you have your conservatives. They started by spending two or three months whining about how the President was taking too long to act. In Sean Hannity's world, you look for excuses to send troops to other countries (especially countries with brown people in them). When you get an excuse, you don't sit around and talk about it. Talking is weak, just like reading and thinking. Then, the announcement came, and they kept complaining. They complained that we're only sending 30,000 troops when General McChrystal asked for 40,000. They complained that we're giving it 18 months before we start bringing troops back home, instead of just saying we're staying until whenever we decide the job is done. They complained that the President's speech wasn't emotional enough, and that he didn't talk about winning enough.

First of all, shut up! You got what you wanted, just stop talking for a little while. There's still plenty to complain about with health care and environmentalism and other scary liberal things. Second, we have to leave sometime. You can't call this operation a success until the United States can leave Afghanistan without it immediately spiraling into chaos. Finally, the speech. I know Dick Cheney's idea of foreign policy is whipping his cock out and waving it at other countries while challenging them to some kind of duel (now that's what I call a metaphor! Also, did I just make you picture Dick Cheney whipping his penis out and waving it around? Your welcome), but in the real world, sending troops into battle isn't exciting or fun or something to get really happy about. I'm glad the President sounded a little somber and even conflicted, it tells me he hasn't forgotten how to be a person yet.

Then, you have your liberals. I think I actually saw Keith Olbermann cry after the announcement (OK, I'm making that up, actually, I'm boycotting Keith until January because I think he talked about Tiger Woods too much and I think he knows better). Liberals would like the war to be over now. Great idea! Hey, speaking of great ideas, I had drinks with a friend Friday night, someone I'm really very fond of, she's the best. I'd like to get her a unicorn for Christmas, I think she'd really like it, it's possible they grant wishes, and I think they do a lot of work with rainbows....aaaaaaand, back to reality! You can't just overthrow a country's government and then leave when it gets messy. Failing to help rebuild Afghanistan after the cold war is how we got here in the first place. I understand we have to leave them on their own eventually, if it becomes clear that it just isn't going to happen there, but I think the President should probably at least, ya know, try first.

I've heard a lot of people lately, on TV and in real life, ask why this is America's job. You could say it's our job because it was our idea to invade in the first place. So the real question is, why was invading in the first place our job? This brings us to American exceptionalism. It seems some people, like the previously mentioned Mr. Cheney, think American exceptionalism means that we're somehow inherently better than other countries. That our values are superior, that we don't have to play by everyone else's rules. That our nuclear weapons are totally cool, but everyone else's are crazy and dangerous. That our god is better than their god. That it's not torture when we do it. These people are idiots.

I do, however, agree that America is an exceptionally good place to live. That's why I always find campaign debates about illegal immigration to be so silly. If we built a 50 foot wall between us and Mexico and covered it in electrified barbed wire, people would still find a way in. Because the crappiest life in America is still better than whatever they're currently doing in Mexico. That's American exceptionalism, it's an awesome place to be. And that's the answer. Why is this all America's job? It's the price we pay for being free, wealthy, healthy and secure all at the same time.

And what do I think about what the President is doing? I think this is why we should vote for the smartest guy and not the most likable guy (we lucked out this time, the smartest guy turned out to be the most likable guy, it won't be so easy next time). I think this is one of those times when being the President is the hardest job in the world. I think this is one of those times when the President earns all the cool perks that go with the job. Inheriting a war is a crappy deal for a President, and two wars are double crappy. The power of the Presidency rests in the office, not in the man who occupies that office. A President has a responsibility to, um, responsibly follow-up on whatever the last guy was doing, even when he doesn't like it. It doesn't mean you can't change course, but you can't change course in a destructive, ya know, catastrophic way.

Truthfully, I don't care what I think, and neither should anyone else, because I've never been to Afghanistan and I have no idea what I'm talking about. Sometimes people forget how our government is designed. The people we elect aren't charged with doing whatever we say. They're charged with doing what they think is best for their district, state and country. If we disagree with their judgment, we get to vote against them next time. I hope the President doesn't listen to polls and opinion journalists on this issue. I hope he listens to his military advisers, and no one else.

What about other politicians? Congress has become incredibly whiny and increasingly hysterical, and I don't really care what they think either. There used to be a saying in Washington, that politics stopped at the water's edge. Not anymore. So, as long as Congress continues to base their opinions on Afghanistan (and Iraq, for that matter) on what they think will get them the most votes, I will continue to call them stupid and say I don't care what they think.

I've decided to shut my brain off on this issue and get behind the President, at least for now. I say we give him some time to try and get this done without having to listen to us bitching about it. Why? Because it's a terrifying world out there, and everyone has guns, or missiles or plutonium, and he's doing the best he can.