I Wasn't Gonna Say Anything

Seriously, I wasn't.  I haven't posted anything in a while because I really haven't felt like it, and certainly this stupid duck dynasty thing wasn't going to be what sucked me back in.  It's right in the middle of my winter break man.  I mean, I'm trying to relax and re-read The Sun Also Rises over here.  Even the recent stupid budget deal* wasn't enough to get me back here.  Why would I come back for something that involves ducks?  And not even real ducks?

*Sidenote: The recent budget deal is stupid because we still have the debt limit coming up and the only reason a budget deal happened is so Republicans can hold the debt limit hostage and say "hey, you can't get mad at us about this because look we did a budget deal".  Stupid.

Listen, I can't even count how many ways this duck dynasty thing is stupid.  First of all, why is GQ asking this guy about social issues?  Clearly the intent was to bait him into saying something ignorant and rednecky, and being an ignorant redneck, he was happy to oblige.  More importantly, why is GQ interviewing this guy at all?  It's not like he's some business genius, he didn't invent the iPod.  His family invented a thing that sounds just enough like a duck (or something ducks like, I don't really know) that it helps other rednecks murder ducks for fun.  Hunting is stupid and I don't want to know what Charles Manson's grandpa over there thinks about anything.

I also don't care that he's on TV.  He's not the anchor of the CBS evening news, he's on a reality show.  And it's not even a good reality show.  For $10,000 I couldn't tell you why anyone watches that show.  Here's what I knew about that show before this month:
1) Beards
2) Something about ducks
3) Beards Again
In the last week or so I've learned that at least one of them hates homosexuals, and also that they're from Louisiana.

If I had known those last two things before I'm confident I still wouldn't have been watching.  I don't recall anyone sitting Snooki down and asking her for her thoughts on health care (I certainly hope that never happened).  You know why?  Because nobody cares what she thinks because she's a moron and so is the duck dynasty guy.  If they weren't morons, they wouldn't be on reality TV.

I also have no problem with how A&E has been handling this situation.  Yes, nobody should care about what Captain Beardface thinks, but when somebody reveals himself to be a bigoted asshole, then you have to stop giving him a microphone and a podium.  It's a really simple decision.  And even if I didn't like what A&E was doing, what could I do about it?  There is no possible way I could watch A&E less than I already do.

I'm also not surprised or in any way interested by the predictable feigned outrage from the Christian right.  I already knew they can't possibly go five minutes without claiming to be persecuted in a country where they are the overwhelming majority.  My only regret here is that this new fake persecution interrupted the last bit of fake persecution we were discussing, and I have to say that listening to people on Fox insisting that Santa Claus is factually white was more fun than talking about the duck guy.

I'm also not surprised by the fact that everyone is ignoring the equally insidious comments this guy made about how black people in the south were perfectly happy before the civil rights movement.  Yes, Mr. Robertson, I too find it hard to believe that no black person ever sought out you and your armed redneck ancestors to tell you how much they would have enjoyed equality.  I'm sure if they had you would have assisted them immediately and we wouldn't have even needed a civil rights movement.

All of these points are incredibly obvious and none of them inspired me to come sit here and type for an hour.  But I have many weaknesses, and one of them is my inability to look away when I know something stupid is happening.  This usually leads me to watching Fox News when nobody should ever be doing that, and it did so again yesterday.  I heard Fox's own Governor Huckleberry was going to be on Fox News Sunday to talk about, among other things, the duck dynasty guy.  Sigh.  I should have just kept watching football, but I couldn't help myself.

I used to sort of like Huckleberry.  He was always way too christy for me, Huck never shuts up about his invisible friend.  But, the old Huck spent more time talking about good things like feeding hungry people and helping poor people than he did talking about how the gays were ruining America.  I even remember him being sort of cordial about abortion.  As Chris Wallace pointed out at the beginning of yesterday's interview, Huck has a reputation for being a conservative, but not being angry about it, and that used to be mostly true.

But recently Huck has been become less of a reality-based political figure and more of a Fox News bizarro world political figure.  As a guy on Fox, Huck has to uphold a certain standard of nonsense in order to keep up with his colleagues.  Since Huck can't really manufacture the indignant anger of, say, a Bill O'Reilly, he has to do it another way.  So, Huck has become Fox's go to guy for fake persecution of Christians.  It's a sad end to a mediocre political career.

So Huck starts with the usual bible nonsense.  First of all, do you know how many people we'd be stoning to death every day if we actually lived by that book?  Honestly, nobody would have time for blogging or fake TV outrage or reality TV, we'd all be stoning people to death all day until we worked on Saturday or something and got stoned to death ourselves.  Of course, we'd have slaves, so maybe they could do the stoning for us.

But also, who cares what the bible says?  The old testament was written like 3,000 years ago.  Those people didn't even know where the sun went at night.  Why would I let them tell me what to do?  Seriously, sometimes I can't understand what's wrong with people.

Anyway, that was predictable, and this next bit was too but it still pisses me off.  Huck said that he is tolerant of people who have a different view of gay marriage than he does (how sporting of him) but he won't tolerate the intolerance directed at what he called old fashioned values.  He went on to claim that that this is a new level of bullying.

Come on, Huck.  I'm disappointed in you.  This is Fox's favorite trick.  Every time a Republican says something racist, they remind us that Barack Obama hates white people, so this whole racism thing is kind of everybody's fault and if you point out racism you're actually being a reverse racist so you should probably just shut up.  This trick with tolerance is the same thing.  If you point out that someone is being bigoted and intolerant, say by comparing homosexual relationships to bestiality, then you're actually a reverse bigot and a bully and you should probably just shut up.

Sidenote: This is the first time I've ever typed the word bestiality.  What happened to the "a" in beast.  Why isn't it in there?  That's weird to me.  Anyway...

Sorry Huckleberry, that's not how tolerance works.  You can say intolerant things if you want, but you don't get to do the double tolerance thing where nobody gets to call you a bigot.  Tolerance isn't like base where the first person to run to it wins.  If you're being intolerant then the rest of us get to call you a bigot and you just have to sit there and be a bigot.  And no, the fact that you claim your invisible friend agrees with you doesn't help.  The voices in my head always agree with me.

But that wasn't even my favorite part.  Huckleberry ended by trying to soften his position on homosexuality by saying that homosexuality isn't any different than any other sin.  It's just like if you lust after a woman, that's a sin too.  We're all sinners, says Huck.  That's great.  See?  God doesn't hate homosexuals, he hates everyone.  Feel better now?  For some reason, Huck thinks you should.

I changed the channel back to football once Wallace asked Huck if he was running for President in 2016.  I honestly don't want to know.  I'm obviously not voting for Huckleberry, but if he winds up running against Hillary Clinton I'll need to buy a boat and go live at sea for at least four years.  I heard Elizabeth Warren might run.  That's probably not true, and she probably couldn't win anyway.  I'd vote for Elizabeth Warren, she's smart and actually, ya know, believes in things, but she's also not awesome at running for office and when I say she's smart I mean "she's smart and would therefore make a good President" but other people will say the same thing and mean "look at her thinkin she's all better than us with her fancy book learnin".

No, I'm not getting sucked back into the 2016 election again.  I stand by my earlier predictions and Huck's sudden interest certainly doesn't change anything.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Mr. ducky duck.  I'm sure he'll be back on the show eventually and Fox will call it a great victory for values or free speech or whatever, but it'll really just be a small victory for nonsense.

Old people say crazy stuff all the time, and that's just the way it is, but I don't get why a whole news network and half the country feels the need to reflexively back this guy up.  I honestly don't understand people sometimes.

Pope Me The First

Yeah, I'm going to be the new pope.  And you know what else?  I'm going to be the best pope ever.  Catholics for the rest of history are gonna be like "that Jesus fellow was OK, but Pope Sean was the shit!"  That's how Catholics talk.  Believe me, I know Catholics.

Why should I be the new pope?  Well, first of all, I'm totally qualified.   Don't believe me?  Take a look at my pope resume!

Pope Qualifications

Catholic? - Check (technically, I was baptized and stuff)
Knows the rules? - Check, 12 years of Catholic school baby!
Looks good in big funny hats? - Check
Speaks Latin? - Check.  Well, I mean, I've heard of Latin.  I'm familiar with it.  Nobody knows Latin anyway, I think if I just fake it I'll be fine.  Agricolae...puella...you know how it goes.
Actually believes in, ya know, god? - Hey, is that the first stone I see you casting?  I'm not infallible you know.  Not yet anyway.
Number of times I've been accused or suspected of having sex with children?  Zero.  That's literally never happened to me.  This one feels fairly important.

Qualified isn't enough though, and I understand that.  The church isn't doing so well lately.  The church needs new ideas, or a new direction, or at least a new haircut.  You want new ideas?  I have so many new ideas!

Pope Ideas

No More Church
OK, hear me out.  The book says you have to keep holy the sabbath day, it doesn't say you have to sit in a hot room and be bored for an hour every Sunday.  Church is boring and awful and everyone knows it.  I will decree that whatever you do on Sunday from now on is just between you and the god that isn't really there.  And we'll turn all the churches into homeless shelters.  And we'll sell all the gold in the churches and give the money to charity.  This is a good idea.  Have you seen how much gold churches have?  So much gold.

Lady Priests
This one's pretty obvious, but yeah, we need some lady priests.  And we also need some married priests.  No wonder the church is struggling so much.  Women make stuff better.  It's a true story.  Will the man priests and the lady priests be allowed to marry each other?  I don't know, I'll probably leave that up to whoever I pick to be the Vice Pope, who, incidentally, will almost definitely be a lady.  Oh, and since there doesn't seem to be one now, I'm also adding a Vice Pope.  Make a note.

Three Strike Policy for Sex Offenders
I know what you're thinking, and listen, a three strike policy would still be better than the church's current infinity strike policy.  But no, that's not what I mean.  You don't get two free molestations.  My three strike policy means that the first time you get caught touching kids I strike you in the head three times with my giant jewel-encrusted pope stick.  You will almost definitely die.

Listen, you have to keep this one a secret though.  I want offending priests to be really surprised when they get to the Pope House wondering "Oh, I wonder what the Pope is going to do to me.." and then I beat them to death with my pope stick.  They'll be so surprised!  You don't expect a lot of beatings from the Pope.  New ideas I tells ya!

War!
Don't worry, not an explosions and death war, more of a war of words, and possibly pranks.  Long term, the idea would be to engage Protestants worldwide in a winner-take-all fight with the goal being to eventually have one side win and re-unite Christians.  I'm tired of all these heretic Protestants running around.  It's confusing and I want to be the Pope of everyone.  I'm pretty flexible on the details of what we "believe", so I think this could work.

Be Nicer
I don't know why I have to decree this, but I feel like I definitely do.  We're going to be nicer, like the fellow from the bible, what's his face.  Nicer to women, nicer to non-heterosexuals, and just nicer in general.  Not a lot of cheek turning from Catholics lately, and the Protestants are even worse (remember we're conquering them). 

No More Vatican
You heard me mention the Pope House before.  Well, it's definitely going to be in America.  I'm not one of these people who hates Europe, but you couldn't pay me enough money to live outside of the U.S.  It's nice here, I speak the language, I already know where stuff is and I don't plan on breaking any laws, so I wouldn't really need to be my own sovereign nation. 

And if the Pope doesn't need the Vatican, neither does anyone else.  Italy can have it back.  They can turn it into a soccer field.  Or a million soccer fields.  I don't really know how big Vatican City is.  I'm guessing larger than my high school but smaller than Spain?  That sounds right.

Interfere in the World When Needed
I feel like there are things the Pope could make happen if he just took a minute to give a crap about them.  For example, Pope Sean decrees that How I Met Your Mother has to tell us who the mother is, like immediately.  And it has to be someone really good too.  Seriously, I've completely had it with that show.  It isn't even a comedy anymore.  Just tell us who the mother is so we can all move on with our lives.  You're basically just holding us hostage now.  See, I feel like if the Pope sent CBS a letter saying essentially the same thing I just said, we'd get some action.

Human Resources
There seems to be a lot going on inside the church, and I can't fix it all with my magic Pope powers.  I've decided we need an HR department.  I'm also all for a priest union.  In fact, yes, we're definitely starting a priest union.  And I can definitely afford all of this, just think of how much more money we'll have after we conquer the Protestants.

If, somehow, I don't wind up being the next Pope, I have a request.  I hear there's an African guy in the running.  I don't really know anything about him, because I obviously don't really care at all about this silly nonsense, but I vote for the African guy.  I would like to see a movie in which Morgan Freeman plays the Pope, and as sad as it is to admit, we're running out of time for that.  It may be now or never.  Get on it!

Let's Get a Few Things Straight

I'm annoyed.  I know a lot of religious people, and they're perfectly nice, but nothing in the news makes me angrier than when the religious people on TV get all up in arms about something stupid.  As a result, I've spent most of this week watching news for about 90 seconds at a time, because that's just about as long as I can stand it right now since every segment appears to be another story about how the President is forcing Catholics to fornicate with complete strangers while using birth control 15 times a day.  Let's get a few things straight.

First of all, prohibition against contraception isn't some "deeply held Catholic belief".  It's not in the magic book, it's just some rule church leaders made up later to ensure that we'd have little Catholic babies running around everywhere (which I guess I should be grateful for) and to ensure that they'd always have some sneaky ways to oppress women.

And don't try to tell me that they weren't aware of modern birth control methods back when the bible was written.  The magic book was supposedly written by the spacegod who knows everything, so that really shouldn't matter, should it? 

Even if this contraception thing was in the bible, I still wouldn't care.  This isn't some government imposition on religious freedom.  Practicing Catholics (and everyone else, for that matter) are still free to choose to use contraception or not use contraception whenever they'd like, and churches are still free to teach all the same nonsense they've always taught.

This isn't about freedom, it's about the opposite of freedom.  It's about employment law, and churches having to play by the same rules as every other employer.  It's about the ability of employers, religious or otherwise, to use their control over health coverage to impose their beliefs on employees.  Why is it that the freedom loving Republicans have no problem with this?  They're always yelling about the President taking away our freedoms.  Would they be OK with it if he called himself a reverend and wore a funny hat?

And while we're at it, the President is not hostile toward religion.  I'm hostile toward religion sometimes, like when I wonder why my tax dollars are going to some office of faith-based initiatives, or why I have to live in a country that has a national day of prayer.  And while we're at it, why do I have to put up with a Congress that has a chaplain?  I seem to have gotten a little off-track.  The point is, I'm hostile towards religion sometimes, I can't help it, but the President isn't.  Believe me, I'd notice.

Speaking of religion, Madonna is awful.  She's always been awful.  The superbowl halftime show was awful.  It's always been awful too.  And to be fair, Madonna was much better than the black eyed peas.  Do they come from a country where it's illegal to sing on key?  And speaking of the superbowl, the commercials were just as awful as Madonna.  None of them were funny, or clever, or even cute.  They were just awful.  Wow, I'm really off topic here.

Contraception isn't really my point, and neither is religion.  I certainly won't ever be working at a religiously affiliated anything.  For one thing, what if they googled me and found my blog?  But there are people out there, you know them as "Republicans", who are using this argument to further their claim that the President is engaged in a war on religion.  These people should be ashamed of themselves. 

This whole "war on religion" talking point is just a slightly more subtle way of suggesting that the President isn't really a Christian, so he isn't really an American.  After the last election, I thought the Republicans would realize their mistakes and spend these last few years coming up with, you know, policies and ideas.  Instead, most of the normal people left the party or stopped caring, the party got taken over by morons and they're doubling down on the nonsense. 

Instead of having a 2012 election about two competing ideas of what's best for the future of the country, we appear to be headed for a Republican platform about Obama's war on religion (nonsense), how tax cuts magically create jobs (more nonsense) and how the President who ordered people to shoot bin laden in the face is somehow weak on foreign policy (super nonsense). 

I've been looking forward to this election since the last one ended.  I love elections.  But as we get closer to this one, it seems like it's mostly going to suck.  I'm preparing for a swirling vortex of corporate superpac money and non-fact-based talking points.  I'm also preparing to not give money to either candidate, because I've just stopped listening.  In fact, I may not even vote for President when I go to the polls in November to vote for Elizabeth Warren (that's right, Elizabeth Warren is going to be my Senator.  When it happens, it'll be the first thing about any state that's better than anything about New York).

Well, I wouldn't vote for President, or I'd vote for a third party candidate for fun.  Except, the Republicans keep reminding me that they're theocrats, so I have to vote against them.  Not because I believe in the President that much anymore, but just because I'm annoyed.

Ideas for New American Mottos

Sometimes I don't write anything for a while because I'm lazy or I've grown bored with my own sense of humor.  Other times, I don't write anything for a while because I'm stuck without power for a week while my utility company (Western Massachusetts Electric, aka FUCKYOU...err...I mean WMECO) is exploring new depths of incompetence.  I'll let you guess which one of those things is happening now.

By the way, "you" in that last sentence will probably refer to absolutely nobody since I'll be posting this around midnight on a Friday and I doubt anyone will ever read it.  I'm camping out somewhere temporary while I continue to wait for my actual apartment to have power, so I figured why not do this for a little while.

One of the few news items I've been able to pick up this week from the internet and Twitter is Congress finding some time in their busy schedule of not doing anything to re-affirm "In God We Trust" as our official motto.  I could go on and on about all the reasons why this is stupid, but in the interest of time, how about just one?  We've been trusting god for quite a while now, how's that been working out for us lately?  Maybe it's time to trust someone else for a while.  People seem to like this Tim Tebow fellow.

As always, I'm all about problem solving.  You can't just call our current motto stupid and not offer ideas for a better motto. I've got all kinds of ideas:

"In Tebow We Trust"
"First in Religion, 38th in Math"
"Home of the Filibuster"
"Made in China"
"Can We Interest You in An Abandoned Factory?"
"You Know All That Rubble in Your Country? Your Welcome"
"We Can Put Ranch Dressing on Anything"
"Canada's Beard"
"Mexico's Sombrero"
"Fuck Soccer"
"The World Leader in Foul-mouthed Cartoons"
"We Invented David Hasselhoff"
"We Can Has Gunz!"
"More Likely to Believe in Ghosts Than Evolution"
"If You Can Fry It, We Can Eat It"
"The World's Leading Exporter of Explosions"
"Where Christmas Starts on Halloween and Ends on St. Patrick's Day"
"Jesus Works For Us"
"Is George W. Who Home? I'm sorry, I Think You Have a Wrong Number"

I think that's all I've got.  I sure hope I have power by the time the next Republican debate happens.

Mosques and Marriage

I haven't been writing a lot lately. It's possible I've just run out of new ways to call people stupid. It's also possible that the summer heat has melted some of the outer parts of my brain and left me less creative. I've decided that the second possibility is more likely. First of all, I'll never run out of ways to call people stupid. Second of all, it's been a little cooler this week and, voila! Here I am.

I've seen two seemingly unrelated stories in the news lately to which I've had, essentially, the same reaction. The first is this thing about the mosque two blocks from the World Trade Center site. Before I get into this, here are a couple of disclaimers:

Disclaimer #1: I'm from New York. If you're also from New York (or at least long island), then whatever opinion you have about this, no matter how much I might disagree with it, is perfectly valid in my eyes. On the other hand, if you're not from New York, if you've never called The Only Real City In The World home, then I couldn't possibly be less interested in what you think about this. Be quiet Sarah Palin, worry about your own town's problems (I don't what problems they have in Alaska, bears? too much snow? ice road trucker camera crews eating all the moose jerky?)

Disclaimer #2: We've got some religion involved in this issue, so anyone who talks about it winds up being labeled anti-muslim or pro-muslim. I assure you that I feel the same way about islam that I feel about all other invisible friends and space gods.

Anyway, I agree with what the President said about the ground zero adjacent mosque on Friday. Not only do I agree with what he said, but I love how he said it. He used his condescending, "why are you people so stupid sometimes" tone that is absolutely my favorite thing about him. Of course private citizens have the right to build a mosque on privately owned land. At the same time, other private citizens have the right to argue and protest about what they do and do not want built in their neighborhood.

Now, if I were a guy looking to build a mosque, would I build it two blocks from the World Trade Center? Probably not. This sounds like a poorly thought out plan, right? I mean, did these people honestly think this would go off without a hitch? I don't know if they've noticed, but people in New York are still pretty touchy about the whole 9/11 thing, and even though we know (well, most of us know) terrorist groups don't represent all muslims, building a mosque two blocks from the giant whole in the ground left by muslim terrorists really does strike me as a dumbass idea. If your goal is building a community center focused on fostering interfaith relations and understanding, this really isn't a good start.

I think, if you live in New York, and this thing stirs up old negative feelings and opens up an old wound for you, or maybe pours salt on a wound that hasn't even healed yet, and you feel like it shouldn't happen, that's a perfectly valid concern, and I think you should voice it. Just don't get mad when elected officials don't have your back. They took an oath to protect the Constitution, not our feelings.

If it seems like my personal opinion on this near ground zero mosque thing is a little hard to nail down, that's because it's one of those things I don't really have a strong opinion about. I sort of don't care. I know I'm supposed to, I don't though.

The second story was the overturning of proposition 8 in California, clearing the way for legal same-sex marriage in the state, ya know, at least until the next court rules, and then the next one. This story is different from the first in that there are no valid opinions on the other side. Of course homosexuals have the right to marry each other and it is the job of the courts to protect the rights of minorities from the opinions of the majority. Even the Republicans seem to mostly get it at this point, they've been pretty quiet since this court decision happened.

Still, some people have expressed their usual outrage about the dangerous gays and their fabulous marriages, and that brings me to how these two stories go together in my head. Some people just don't like homosexuals. They say same-sex marriage threatens opposite-sex marriage, but even the lawyers for Prop. 8 couldn't come up with a story for how that might actually work. They claim they're just looking out for children, but when you take an argument like that into a courtroom, judges generally want to see some of that evidence stuff. Tough break. Really, they just don't like homosexuals.

Similarly, some of the people who are arguing against the almost at ground zero mosque just don't like muslims. I've acknowledged that others arguing against the mosque have valid opinions, but some of them just don't like muslims (when I say "some of them", I'm talking about the outsiders from Alaska and Texas and everywhere else other than New York who suddenly give a crap about all the New York elites they usually hate so much).

My point is, if you don't like muslims or homosexuals, just say that. I wouldn't call it a valid opinion, but it's your opinion and you're stuck with it. And, if you're truthful with us about why you're against these things, then we can have an honest debate with your ignorant ass.

PS...this was a pretty heavy topic, so I felt like throwing in some mostly unrelated comic relief at the end. The title for this post reminded me of the theme song for Married With Children. On Thursday, a guy I work with was talking about cool new shoes he wanted to buy and my other co-workers seemed to be split on the idea. I took a look at the shoes he was talking about and, as it turned out, he was getting ready to by the shoes that Al Bundy invented after seeing god wearing them, only without the built in socks. This may not be comic relief for everyone, but if you were a big Married With Children fan, like my dad, you will laugh your ass off if you haven't seen these before. Enjoy http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/

Be Afraid

Glenn Beck is a crazy idiot. But he is, by far, my favorite crazy idiot. Beck's show is an hour long roller coaster ride of delusion, hilarity, complete disregard for reality and even the occasional moment of insightful clarity. I can only imagine what his radio show is like (awesome, I assume).

A year ago Friday, a tearful Beck introduced his ridiculous 9/12 project. The premise was for us to go back to being the people we were on 9-12-01, the day after 9-11-01. What a great idea! I really enjoyed that odd combination of anger and confusion, thanks terrorists.

The 9.12 project is built around Beck's "9 founding principles" and "12 eternal values". Glenn's very much into founding and the founders. Today's politicians are no Ben Franklin. I mean, sure, some of them may have syphilis, and I could see many of them enjoying French whores, but still. I seem to have wandered off the path a bit. Anyway, I think now is as good a time as any to take a closer look at the 9/12 project.

First, the nine founding principles...
1. America is good
That's it. No qualifiers, no caveats, no exceptions. We're just good, period. The list of things that are good under all circumstances is pretty short. Even bacon doesn't make that list (raw bacon=not good). I'm pretty sure a country doesn't make that list. We've been here since the 18th century, I'm positive we're slightly more complicated than "good".

More importantly, this type of broad oversimplification is exactly the kind thinking that allows people to justify things like torturing terror suspects. Because if we're always good, then everything we do is good, and we don't have to think about it. I know America is a great place, and we've done a ton of great things, but sometimes we do bad things. We need to be able to recognize those bad things, take responsibility, and try not to do them again. Why? Because that's how you stay good.

2. I believe in god and he is the center of my life
OK, most people who read this are people I know, and a lot of them are religious. They're good people, and they don't look down on others who don't believe what they believe. So I try really hard not to insult religion here, but Glenn is always baiting me. So, religious people I know, feel free to move on to number 3, or you can continue to the blasphemy portion of today's program, but don't say I didn't warn you.

I am so incredibly tired of people like Goldmember Beck and Fathead Hannity telling me that I'm somehow less of an American or less of a good person because I can't see their invisible friend. Everybody here gets to believe what they want to believe, and I'm cool with that. But if you're telling me, to be a real American, I have to buy into your magic story about how the universe works, either show me some proof or leave me alone.

I'm not hostile toward religion, I'm really not. I see people doing good things in the name of religion, and I see the value people get out of always having something in their lives that loves them and gives a crap about them. If I could get my brain there, I'm sure I'd find it comforting. But I get annoyed when people suggest that the government, the people who run our country, should base decisions on something that, to be nice about it, may or may not be real.

(PS...why do I like calling him Goldmember Beck? Watch his show one day, watch the commercials. I think you'll agree, he likes gooooooooooold)

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday
It would be easy to call Glenn a liar here and move on, but I really don't think he is. I don't know if I've ever seen Glenn say something he didn't believe. That's part of his charm. So much of what he says is nonsense, but he's very convincing because he absolutely believes it. My problem with principle number 3 is this. How about just trying to be completely honest everyday? I only have to be more honest tomorrow if I lied to you today.

4. My family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government
This one is all about kids and education. Now, if you read my education blog from a couple of months ago, you know I think parents are, generally, idiots and I don't want them anywhere near public education. Having said that, I fully realize that parents have the right to teach their stupid kids whatever nonsense they want. The problem is, this starts with parents teaching their kids values or religion at home, which is fine, but it ends with home schooling and not getting kids vaccinated. Do you want a generation of home schooled kids with measles? Me neither.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it
I'd like to be able to cure cancer with beer and skittles. Some things are really nice ideas, but you can't just wish them into reality. Some people will always be above the law, or they'll at least always be able to buy their way out of trouble. We don't have to like it, but we do have to live with it.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results
Yes, Beck believes in equal rights and opportunity for everyone. Well, except the gays, of course. Oh and Muslims (who apparently shouldn't be Congressmen unless they can prove their loyalty first). And, of course, progressives, who are just terrible and evil. And minorities, they get most of the rights, but if one of them becomes President or something, than everything he does is automatically socialism or a sneaky plan for slavery reparations. You know what? Glenn's going to have to get back to you about this equality thing.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable
I remember that passage in the bible when Jesus said "In as much as ye have done unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Unless ye be the government, in which case, anything ye have done unto the least of these my brethren is socialism, and it be WRONG!" I may have slipped from bible talk to pirate talk near the end there, but you get my point.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion
he added, "unless of course we have a Republican President. Only terrorists disagree with Republicans." This is a trick Beck and all of his Fox buddies use. If you listen to them now, they'd have you believe they were all really hard on President Bush. Poor guy just couldn't catch a break. I must have just randomly tuned into Fox for all the rare times they were completely agreeing with everything the Bush administration was doing. Just my crappy luck I guess.

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
This one makes me almost as angry as number two. If I could, I would tattoo this next sentence onto Glenn's forehead. The government does not work for us, it works on our behalf. It's the difference between having an employee and having a lawyer. You pay both of them, but an employee, generally, has to follow orders, while a good lawyer doesn't just do whatever you say, because you're an idiot and he went to law school. We do not have a right to a government that never spends a tax dollar on anything we don't like. We don't have a right to a government that never does anything we don't like. Anyone who tells you different is either stupid or lying.

And, of course, the 12 eternal values...
Honesty - Well, when Glenn said he was sick of the 9/11 families and he wanted them to shut up, that was, indeed, super honest. Beck supporters will tell you he said he didn't feel that way about all the 9/11 families, just about 10 of them. Oh, OK, that makes it better, my bad.
Reverence - This one feels suspiciously religious to me. Who, exactly, am I supposed to revere? Especially since I'm supposed to be hating the government and all. Glenn either wants me to revere him or god. No dice either way.
Hope - Not that crazy Obama hope though, ya know, white guy hope.
Thrift - When was the last time someone called you thrifty and it wasn't just a nicer way of calling you cheap?
Humility - Like the humility it takes to believe you know better than every elected official and every voter who elected them. What? That's not what humility means? Screw you!
Charity - As referenced above, only when you feel like it, and the government had better not be anywhere near it. It does seem like a lot of these values are just modified versions of the principles. Seems kinda lazy. I get the feeling this was like a homework assignment for Beck. He knew it was due on 3/12/09, but he just kept putting it off and then he had to throw it together the night before.
Sincerity - You know what? I'm gonna give Glenn this one. The world could use more sincerity, and I'm as bad with this as anyone. Sure, I'll write something sincere here or in an e-mail sometimes, but it's very possible it's been three months since I actually said anything sincere to anyone. So there you go, the Beckster is 1 for 21.
Moderation - I think this one comes from Beck's background as an alcoholic (I'm not mocking alcoholics, Glenn brings this up all the time). Sorry Glenn, if there's a more American value than crazy, unnecessary excess, I haven't found it.
Hard Work - Glenn is a big fan of hard work. Unless, of course, you're in a union. Then, you're destroying America. Much like me, Glenn's a puzzle.
Courage - Like the courage to go on TV and share your paranoid delusions with the world.
Personal Responsibility - Beck often claims to be a Libertarian, and this one is sort of a nod to that. Unfortunately, you can't really be both a Libertarian and a Theocrat. Sorry Beckster.
Gratitude - This one was originally friendship, but Beck swapped it out for gratitude on the fly as he introduced the values. Wait, I thought these were eternal values? Maybe if the terrorists had attacked on 9/12, Glenn could have had 13 values and kept friendship. Stupid terrorists, they ruin everything.

I'm curious about the complete lack of any mention of diversity, tolerance, acceptance, etc. What happened to the whole melting pot deal? Are we done with that now? I didn't get that memo.

So, what's my problem? This seems mean-spirited, even for me. Shouldn't I go easy on Beck, isn't he at least getting his followers involved in government, and isn't that ultimately a good thing? Well, if that were true, I would say it is a good thing. But I have a hard time believing that Glenn's anti-government manifesto will result in his fans getting constructively involved. So far, we've had people shouting nonsense at politicians while the rest of us were trying to get health insurance fixed. And we've got the Republican party chasing the idiot vote instead of gravitating back toward reality after the last two electoral beat downs.

This isn't constructive engagement, it's propaganda, from a guy on a "news" network (and I know, MSNBC does the same thing for the liberal agenda, but Fox is way better at it, at least for now). But that's not the worst part. Go back to the beginning. It's the 9/12 project, we're supposed to try to feel the way we did on 9/12/01. I identified anger and confusion, but my guess is, most people associate one emotion with that day more than any other. Fear. Glenn is, almost explicitly, trying to scare us into agreeing with him. And it seems to be working. That's my problem.