Be Afraid

Glenn Beck is a crazy idiot. But he is, by far, my favorite crazy idiot. Beck's show is an hour long roller coaster ride of delusion, hilarity, complete disregard for reality and even the occasional moment of insightful clarity. I can only imagine what his radio show is like (awesome, I assume).

A year ago Friday, a tearful Beck introduced his ridiculous 9/12 project. The premise was for us to go back to being the people we were on 9-12-01, the day after 9-11-01. What a great idea! I really enjoyed that odd combination of anger and confusion, thanks terrorists.

The 9.12 project is built around Beck's "9 founding principles" and "12 eternal values". Glenn's very much into founding and the founders. Today's politicians are no Ben Franklin. I mean, sure, some of them may have syphilis, and I could see many of them enjoying French whores, but still. I seem to have wandered off the path a bit. Anyway, I think now is as good a time as any to take a closer look at the 9/12 project.

First, the nine founding principles...
1. America is good
That's it. No qualifiers, no caveats, no exceptions. We're just good, period. The list of things that are good under all circumstances is pretty short. Even bacon doesn't make that list (raw bacon=not good). I'm pretty sure a country doesn't make that list. We've been here since the 18th century, I'm positive we're slightly more complicated than "good".

More importantly, this type of broad oversimplification is exactly the kind thinking that allows people to justify things like torturing terror suspects. Because if we're always good, then everything we do is good, and we don't have to think about it. I know America is a great place, and we've done a ton of great things, but sometimes we do bad things. We need to be able to recognize those bad things, take responsibility, and try not to do them again. Why? Because that's how you stay good.

2. I believe in god and he is the center of my life
OK, most people who read this are people I know, and a lot of them are religious. They're good people, and they don't look down on others who don't believe what they believe. So I try really hard not to insult religion here, but Glenn is always baiting me. So, religious people I know, feel free to move on to number 3, or you can continue to the blasphemy portion of today's program, but don't say I didn't warn you.

I am so incredibly tired of people like Goldmember Beck and Fathead Hannity telling me that I'm somehow less of an American or less of a good person because I can't see their invisible friend. Everybody here gets to believe what they want to believe, and I'm cool with that. But if you're telling me, to be a real American, I have to buy into your magic story about how the universe works, either show me some proof or leave me alone.

I'm not hostile toward religion, I'm really not. I see people doing good things in the name of religion, and I see the value people get out of always having something in their lives that loves them and gives a crap about them. If I could get my brain there, I'm sure I'd find it comforting. But I get annoyed when people suggest that the government, the people who run our country, should base decisions on something that, to be nice about it, may or may not be real.

(PS...why do I like calling him Goldmember Beck? Watch his show one day, watch the commercials. I think you'll agree, he likes gooooooooooold)

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday
It would be easy to call Glenn a liar here and move on, but I really don't think he is. I don't know if I've ever seen Glenn say something he didn't believe. That's part of his charm. So much of what he says is nonsense, but he's very convincing because he absolutely believes it. My problem with principle number 3 is this. How about just trying to be completely honest everyday? I only have to be more honest tomorrow if I lied to you today.

4. My family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government
This one is all about kids and education. Now, if you read my education blog from a couple of months ago, you know I think parents are, generally, idiots and I don't want them anywhere near public education. Having said that, I fully realize that parents have the right to teach their stupid kids whatever nonsense they want. The problem is, this starts with parents teaching their kids values or religion at home, which is fine, but it ends with home schooling and not getting kids vaccinated. Do you want a generation of home schooled kids with measles? Me neither.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it
I'd like to be able to cure cancer with beer and skittles. Some things are really nice ideas, but you can't just wish them into reality. Some people will always be above the law, or they'll at least always be able to buy their way out of trouble. We don't have to like it, but we do have to live with it.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results
Yes, Beck believes in equal rights and opportunity for everyone. Well, except the gays, of course. Oh and Muslims (who apparently shouldn't be Congressmen unless they can prove their loyalty first). And, of course, progressives, who are just terrible and evil. And minorities, they get most of the rights, but if one of them becomes President or something, than everything he does is automatically socialism or a sneaky plan for slavery reparations. You know what? Glenn's going to have to get back to you about this equality thing.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable
I remember that passage in the bible when Jesus said "In as much as ye have done unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Unless ye be the government, in which case, anything ye have done unto the least of these my brethren is socialism, and it be WRONG!" I may have slipped from bible talk to pirate talk near the end there, but you get my point.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion
he added, "unless of course we have a Republican President. Only terrorists disagree with Republicans." This is a trick Beck and all of his Fox buddies use. If you listen to them now, they'd have you believe they were all really hard on President Bush. Poor guy just couldn't catch a break. I must have just randomly tuned into Fox for all the rare times they were completely agreeing with everything the Bush administration was doing. Just my crappy luck I guess.

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
This one makes me almost as angry as number two. If I could, I would tattoo this next sentence onto Glenn's forehead. The government does not work for us, it works on our behalf. It's the difference between having an employee and having a lawyer. You pay both of them, but an employee, generally, has to follow orders, while a good lawyer doesn't just do whatever you say, because you're an idiot and he went to law school. We do not have a right to a government that never spends a tax dollar on anything we don't like. We don't have a right to a government that never does anything we don't like. Anyone who tells you different is either stupid or lying.

And, of course, the 12 eternal values...
Honesty - Well, when Glenn said he was sick of the 9/11 families and he wanted them to shut up, that was, indeed, super honest. Beck supporters will tell you he said he didn't feel that way about all the 9/11 families, just about 10 of them. Oh, OK, that makes it better, my bad.
Reverence - This one feels suspiciously religious to me. Who, exactly, am I supposed to revere? Especially since I'm supposed to be hating the government and all. Glenn either wants me to revere him or god. No dice either way.
Hope - Not that crazy Obama hope though, ya know, white guy hope.
Thrift - When was the last time someone called you thrifty and it wasn't just a nicer way of calling you cheap?
Humility - Like the humility it takes to believe you know better than every elected official and every voter who elected them. What? That's not what humility means? Screw you!
Charity - As referenced above, only when you feel like it, and the government had better not be anywhere near it. It does seem like a lot of these values are just modified versions of the principles. Seems kinda lazy. I get the feeling this was like a homework assignment for Beck. He knew it was due on 3/12/09, but he just kept putting it off and then he had to throw it together the night before.
Sincerity - You know what? I'm gonna give Glenn this one. The world could use more sincerity, and I'm as bad with this as anyone. Sure, I'll write something sincere here or in an e-mail sometimes, but it's very possible it's been three months since I actually said anything sincere to anyone. So there you go, the Beckster is 1 for 21.
Moderation - I think this one comes from Beck's background as an alcoholic (I'm not mocking alcoholics, Glenn brings this up all the time). Sorry Glenn, if there's a more American value than crazy, unnecessary excess, I haven't found it.
Hard Work - Glenn is a big fan of hard work. Unless, of course, you're in a union. Then, you're destroying America. Much like me, Glenn's a puzzle.
Courage - Like the courage to go on TV and share your paranoid delusions with the world.
Personal Responsibility - Beck often claims to be a Libertarian, and this one is sort of a nod to that. Unfortunately, you can't really be both a Libertarian and a Theocrat. Sorry Beckster.
Gratitude - This one was originally friendship, but Beck swapped it out for gratitude on the fly as he introduced the values. Wait, I thought these were eternal values? Maybe if the terrorists had attacked on 9/12, Glenn could have had 13 values and kept friendship. Stupid terrorists, they ruin everything.

I'm curious about the complete lack of any mention of diversity, tolerance, acceptance, etc. What happened to the whole melting pot deal? Are we done with that now? I didn't get that memo.

So, what's my problem? This seems mean-spirited, even for me. Shouldn't I go easy on Beck, isn't he at least getting his followers involved in government, and isn't that ultimately a good thing? Well, if that were true, I would say it is a good thing. But I have a hard time believing that Glenn's anti-government manifesto will result in his fans getting constructively involved. So far, we've had people shouting nonsense at politicians while the rest of us were trying to get health insurance fixed. And we've got the Republican party chasing the idiot vote instead of gravitating back toward reality after the last two electoral beat downs.

This isn't constructive engagement, it's propaganda, from a guy on a "news" network (and I know, MSNBC does the same thing for the liberal agenda, but Fox is way better at it, at least for now). But that's not the worst part. Go back to the beginning. It's the 9/12 project, we're supposed to try to feel the way we did on 9/12/01. I identified anger and confusion, but my guess is, most people associate one emotion with that day more than any other. Fear. Glenn is, almost explicitly, trying to scare us into agreeing with him. And it seems to be working. That's my problem.