Picking A Hockey Team

Last Friday I did a thing about the Yankees. So I thought, why not make Friday sports day for my blog. Done and done. This week, I'm picking a hockey team.

When I was very young, I was an Islander fan. The Islanders were great back before I knew how to talk or eat solid food, but it wasn't long after I figured out that people playing peek-a-boo with me weren't actually disappearing that the Islanders began their slow, agonizing decline. Normally, I'd say you should throw apples at anyone who abandons their team just because it got bad, you have to stick by your team. But, I've got a good reason (aka, lame excuse). The Islanders changed their uniforms. I've decided, whenever your favorite team changes their uniforms to something decidedly worse, that's a one time get out of jail free card. You can leave, never look back, no hard feelings. And that's what I did.

Side note: I think marriages should have a clause like this, a mutual option after a certain number of years, so if it isn't really working out, both parties can just walk away, no messy divorce, no crying, just poof and it's gone. And people wonder why I'm single.

So I've removed the Islanders from my life, like an exorcism, but I still love hockey, so I need a new team, watching a sport without a rooting interest just isn't the same. I think the best way to do this is by process of elimination. Hopefully, anyone reading this who has a sport they love but no one to root for can find some guidance.

One important ground rule. The current, on-ice, state of the team doesn't matter. This is a lifetime commitment, any team I pick has some good years and some bad years coming.

First Out - Carolina, Colorado, Phoenix and Dallas
Boooooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
These teams were stolen from Canada or demonstrably better and more logical U.S. hockey cities. I'd never root for them and they belong in the 9th circle of hockey hell.

Next Out - Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Jose, Florida, Atlanta, Nashville and Tampa Bay
If a city is way too hot for me to even consider living in, I'm definitely not getting behind its hockey team. Move one of these teams to Winnipeg and we'll talk.

Next Out - Minnesota, Columbus and Ottawa
Since expansion basically murdered the NHL, recent expansion teams are out. Also, who would want to root for a team from Columbus? Not me, no not me.

Next Out - New York (both teams), New Jersey and Philadelphia
The Islanders are obviously out, but just to make it official. And the rest? Chief geographical rivals of the team I'm abandoning, just wouldn't be right.

Now we're down to the top twelve: Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Boston, Montreal, Toronto, Washington, Chicago, Detroit, St. Louis, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver.

Vancouver's out. Crappy uniforms=not for me.

Montreal's out. There's a lot to like in Montreal, but they're also in the French part of Canada, so you never know when they might surrender, no deal.

Calgary's out. They get some credit for being a Canadian team stolen from an American city that has no business having hockey, but they're still a stolen team, with a name that doesn't make any sense (Flames? I've never been to Calgary, but I doubt fire would be the first thing to come to mind when I got off the plane). Plus, I'm not wild about what they've been doing with their uniforms lately.

Detroit's out. Lots to like here too, but everyone's a Red Wings fan, I want a bit more of a "little guy" team. Come to think of it, that eliminates Toronto too.

Buffalo and Washington are out next, both for the same reason. First, they had awesome uniforms, but then they changed to terrible uniforms. Now, they've both changed back, but it isn't quite the same. Lack of foresight=lack of me as a fan.

Boston and Pittsburgh are out next. These were the first two real tough eliminations, but the yellow and black color schemes did them in. I HATE BEES!

2nd Runner Up: St. Louis
The Blues are great, right down to the team name, and I was a huge Brett Hull fan as a kid, but they fell short in a few key areas. First, St. Louis is right on the border of being way too hot for me to live in. Second, I don't see much of a tradition of winning, that's important. Third, I'm not sure how much people in St. Louis care about the Blues, they've got the Cardinals and the Rams. I wouldn't want to join the ranks of Blues fans just to find out that I'm alone.

1st Runner Up: Chicago
The Blackhawks were right there. Great uniforms, great name, excellent food in Chicago. Unfortunately, it was the paltry three cups in over 75 years that put them just below the winner...

My New Hockey Team: The Edmonton Oilers
Edmonton's the best hockey city you could find. It's freezing cold, they don't have any other good sports, and it's in Canada, eh? Add five Stanley Cups, Gretzky, Messier and the fact that I've already decided Edmonton is where I'm going if I ever move out of the U.S., and this is the perfect fit. It's even enough to forgive their occasional uniform transgressions.

So that's it, I'm an Oilers fan. Now I just have to figure out how I can ever see an Oilers game.