I'm Not An Idiot, I Just Play One On TV

My world has recently been shattered, reality has come crashing down around me. Why? Did you know that some of the people on TV aren't who they claim to be? It's true. The doctors on Grey's Anatomy, their medical credentials are, at best, questionable. Same thing with the people on House. CBS has 43 different versions of CSI, I can't find any record of the people on any of the CSI's working for any police department. Jack Bauer isn't a government agent, Jack Bauer isn't even that dude's real name. According to IMDB, one of my chief investigative websites, that guy's had over 70 aliases. I could go on and on, it's shocking.

I'll give you a minute to digest.

Now, I could break this amazing news story and call it a blog, but I'd like to talk a little about what lead me to this horrifying revelation. What prompted me to do, literally, seconds of exhaustive research into our favorite TV personalities? Well, I recently found out(and you found out too if you read my blog a couple of weeks ago)that the White House has declared war on Fox News. How do I know this? Because Glenn Beck told me so, that's how. One of the many things I thought when I heard this was, is it possible that Glenn is stupid enough to compare the White House saying mean things about him to war, when our country is actually at war, in two places? I mean, I saw him do it, he had a map and little toy tanks and everything. Hmmm.

Around the same time, I was watching the Sean Hannity show, which now claims to be "not white house approved"(I'll give Sean credit for this, it may be childish, petulant and goofy, but it's all of those things in a clever sort of way). Anyway, Hannity was talking to Michael Moore, who was there to talk about his movie, but was off on some kind of tangent (that's sort of his thing) about the things that have been done in America's name recently. I don't really want to get into it, but he was talking about Iraq and saying we invaded a country that never attacked us. Moore pointed out that we now know that Iraq didn't have any weapons of mass destruction. Sean's response was "well, none that we saw, none that we found." So, essentially, Sean believes that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, but when we invaded his country, he decided to hide them all where we'd never find them, as opposed to, I don't know, using them. Is it possible for anyone to be that much of a complete moron? Hmmmmm.

Recently, I heard Bill O'Reilly tell me that saying Rush Limbaugh engages in race bating(not even that he's an actual racist, just that he makes race bating comments) is nothing more than a racial witch hunt. Do I really believe that someone could be that oblivious to reality? Hmmmmmmm.

The truth is, I watch a lot of Fox, because it's just so damn entertaining. There are many times when someone on that network says something that leaves me thinking "he can't possibly believe that." Why would an entire "news" network run itself this way? How can they be an effective PR arm for the shrinking Republican party when only people who already completely agree with them would believe anything they say? How did they let themselves get to the point where the Obama administration sees them as the annoying, irrational, crying children of journalism, trying to get a seat at the adult table?

Well, after my ground-breaking research, which I covered at the top, I have a theory. These guys aren't really idiots, they're just playing TV characters. OK, not all of them, have you ever watched Fox and Friends in the morning? Those people are actually morons, we don't have actors that good. But the rest of them, just characters on shows.

Glenn Beck is the quirky, eccentric, quite possibly insane neighbor. Like Cosmo Kramer. Sure, he gets himself into some hot water sometimes with his wacky ideas and his occasional disregard for reality. But at the end of the day, you like him, because he's amusing, and you feel a little sorry for him.

Bill O'Reilly is the old, crusty, Irish dad. Like Red Forman (I don't know if Red was Irish, I didn't really watch that show, but I know Bill is, so there). Sure, he's mean, often when you least expect it, and he says things that you wouldn't let other people get away with, and he yells a lot more than anyone really should, but that's all part of his charm. He's just a guy who wants the world to be the way he remembers it, before all these hippy kids came along.

Sean Hannity is your drunken Irish uncle, like, um, I can't really think of another TV character like this, maybe I should write my own show about a drunken Irish uncle. He'd be crazy and incoherent and a little racist, but that's just the beer talking, deep down, he'd be a great guy.

If you saw Hugh Laurie walking down the street, would you give him a hard time because Dr. House is mean to people? Would you hire Craig T. Nelson to coach your college football team? If you saw Claire Danes in a mall, would you ask her if she ever hooked up with Brian Krakow? (some of these references are just for me, but if you get this one, good for you). If you were on a plane with Dick Cheney, would you..(wait, you're telling me Dick Cheney isn't a fictional character? No, that can't be right, get your facts together and we'll talk more about this later).

See, my point is, the White House shouldn't badmouth Fox. Because Fox isn't actually a hate-mongering, fear-mongering, fact denying, corporate shilling, lying garbage dump of a news network. It's actually the best show on television.