Less is Nothing

I came into the 2016 campaign thinking of Ben Carson as one of the smart guys in the Republican field.  He made a living operating on brains, which I'm given to believe is somewhat challenging.  I never expected him to know things about public policy or foreign policy, having never worked in government, but I thought he'd be good at common sense things and thinking on his feet.  Don't surgeons have to literally think on their feet?  Shouldn't quick decisiveness be a strength for a brain surgeon?  I feel like if something went wrong during my brain surgery, Dr. Ben would decide what to do about it halfway through my autopsy.  He's like a glacier with glasses.  But, even though it seems like Ben really REALLY thinks before he speaks, he still says things that make no sense to anyone.

In case you missed it, Ben decided he needed to go on TV and comment on the latest episode of America's longest running reality show "Lots of People Get Shot for No Particular Reason".  Like Survivor, it was never really a good show, but we have no intention of cancelling it.  Anyway, Ben figures that if he were ever confronted with a gunman, he would just rally everyone in the room to attack the gunman and stop him.  As far as I can tell, here's how Ben's fantasy plays out:

Scene: Dr. Ben is teaching a class about brains or whatever when suddenly a guy in a black jacket busts in with an assault rifle.

Ben: Hello Sir!  Do you intend to shoot all of us?
Gunman: Yes, that's the plan.
Ben: OK, can you give me a minute to rally all of these unarmed people to attack and stop you?
Gunman: Sure, that sounds fair, I'll just hang out here in the doorway for a minute.
Ben: OK everybody, out of your chairs, we're going to stop this gunman!
Student #1: Ummm, I'd really rather just sit here and maybe not get shot.
Student #2: Agreed.  Your plan seems flawed since he has a gun and we're unarmed.
Student #3: Yeah, I like being alive and if I just run at the guy with the gun, he's probably going to shoot me.
Ben: NO! NO!  You guys don't get it.  If you all run at him, some of you will probably die, but some of you might not.
Student #2: Yeah, we're definitely not doing that.
Ben: Excuse me, Mr. Gunman.  Could you give me a little more time with this? These people aren't really understanding the plan.
Gunman: Alright dude, but like, three more minutes.  I really need to get started with this.

And scene.

Now, to be honest, I don't really care what Ben thinks or says because Ben isn't going to be President and I already knew that.  Still, I was struck by the fact that Ben's solution to a mass shooting still involves a few innocent people dying, just not as many.  I've had this same concern for a while about the standard Republican response to mass shootings (most Republicans are smart enough to at least avoid suggesting that the victims were just too cowardly to live, I thought Ben was smarter than that too).

Usually, after one of these tragedies, Republicans will go on TV to talk about it.  After they get done sending thoughts and prayers, and before they get to the part where they accuse anyone talking about gun control of exploiting a tragedy for political reasons, they opine about how this all could have been prevented by a good guy with a gun.  What a wonderful world it would be if we were all constantly surrounded by armed vigilantes with itchy trigger fingers.  Everyone knows the best part of the old west was the constant possibility of being hit by a stray bullet.  Free lead everyone!

Also, Republicans have fantasies in which they play the role of Clint Eastwood, but most people aren't capable of just shooting someone.  That's why cops and military people need a lot of training, and frequently need a lot of counseling after they shoot someone.  That's why every time one of these shootings happens we talk about mental illness.  Killing someone is harder than Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina imagine it being, probably because they're both sociopaths. 

Any time someone opens fire on a group of people, even if there's a decently trained armed citizen in the crowd, a few people are going to get shot before the gunman does.  We can't shoot people before they start shooting other people unless Ben Carson is also working on a pre-crime division for the FBI (and I really hope he is, I would just like to see Rand Paul's reaction).  Sometimes these things happen in movie theaters.  Does a shoot-out between a crazy person and a vigilante in a dark theater really sound like a good idea to you?

While we're here, this is a little off topic, but let's quickly dispatch with another stupid argument.  I've heard politicians argue that we don't talk about knife control after a stabbing.  Yes, if you want to kill one person you can use almost anything you want if you're creative enough.  But if you want to kill 10 people in 3 minutes before the cops get there, a knife or a hammer won't get the job done.  Also, knives have other legitimate uses and guns are really only used for shooting stuff.  Anyway...

I don't think we should be willing to accept "less innocent people dying" as a valid goal.  That may be a realistic outcome, but I think we have to demand "zero innocent people dying" as the actual goal and work backwards from there.  I'm not saying ban all guns.  People already have them.  I also don't want to walk through a metal detector every time I go anywhere, although I feel like that's where we might wind up and I guess I can handle that if I have to.  Come to think of it, I already made a proposal http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2012/07/hunting-is-stupid.html

What I'm asking for is better leadership.  When you're talking about innocent people dying, less is meaningless.  I want a Presidential candidate with a proposal to get us to zero.  Why don't we demand a higher bar for our candidates?  I made this point on another topic recently.  In a country of 320 million people, only one of us has to be in charge at a time.  Is it too much to ask for one person with a new idea? 

The Other Guys

We've been having a lot of fun with Republicans lately, and with good reason.  Republicans are notoriously fun.  There's like 300 of them, and some of them don't believe in science, and most of them do believe in being irrationally angry about things.  And they've got that reality TV guy with the "hair".  "You're fired", says he.  If the Presidential race was just Republicans it would be endlessly entertaining, and also terrifying. 

But see, there are these other guys.  I've heard people on cable news refer to them vaguely, in passing, as Democrats.  Am I getting that right?  Democrats?  They're a secretive second party, which also appears to have hopes of winning the 2016 election.  That lady Republicans are always bad-mouthing, Hillary something, I've heard she's one of them.  I've heard the current President is one of them too, but I've also heard he's a muslim so I don't really trust my intel.  I definitely needed to look into these "Democrats" a little bit more, so that's what I did.

First of all, it seems like they only have five candidates.  Do you even clusterfuck, bro?  How are you supposed to have a debate with just five people?  Viewers might actually hear what the candidates think and believe.  Seems like a bad plan.  Also, they haven't had any debates yet.  The Republicans have been debating the crap out of each other.  A couple of them have already bailed.*

*Sidenote...Scott Walker dropped out.  If you don't know a ton about politics, just take my word for it, you're really happy about this.  No matter who actually wins the election, you will be better off because it will not be Scott Walker.

So let's get to the Democratic candidates.  I broke them down into a category and then just some people, because there are only six of them (five candidates and one Biden), so I didn't really need a lot of categories.

Invisible Kids

Jim Webb
Jim Webb is running a very subversive campaign.  Did I say subversive?  I meant subterranean.  Has anyone seen Jim Webb since he announced his candidacy in July?  Are we sure he's OK?  Webb is a former Senator from a state with actual people in it.  He's got a military background and he actually looks like a guy who could be President, which you, sadly, cannot say about some of these other people and we'll get to that.  Webb seems genuinely qualified and his bio reads like that of a serious person, but he's polling below 1%.  What gives?  Hey Jim!  There's this thing called going on TV.  You should try it.

Lincoln Chafee
Lincoln is a former Republican Governor turned Democrat.  To be fair, he was the Governor of Rhode Island, so settle down, but still.  Lincoln's first campaign speech included advocating for the metric system.  It was one of many things he suggested in the course of that speech, and is by no means an integral part of his platform, but it's all anyone talked about after.  If Chafee had even one good advisor, they would have told him that would happen.  Americans hate the metric system because Europe is stupid, and now they hate Lincoln Chafee. 

Also, something about Lincoln Chafee reminds me of Scooby Doo.  It's like when I always say that Ted Cruz looks like a muppet.  He doesn't really look like a muppet, but that's what his face reminds me of.  Lincoln Chafee's face reminds me of Scooby Doo.

Martin O'Malley
Martin would win my home town in a landslide with that name.  It seems like he would lose the rest of the country though.  Hey Martin, how'd you like to be President of Rockaway?  We have a beach and also seagulls! 

Martin, Jim and Lincoln should start a punk band called the Margins of Error.  I feel like I'd buy that album.

Anyway, on to people who might actually do something.

Bernie Sanders
I have to admit to being very skeptical about Bernie.  I feel like we've been down this road before.  Remember the 2000 election?  In the primary, John McCain seemed really honest and mavericky and stuff, and people got pretty excited about him being something of an outsider.  By 2008, we found out that John was mostly a political hack like everyone else.  Bernie's been in Congress for a long time.  I get why he has some progressive street cred, and why he gets some benefit of the doubt, I'm just saying, Bernie's been in Congress for a long time. 

Bernie's history of votes on gun control bills is, to put it generously, troubling.  And the excuses he offers often sound a lot like the excuses Republicans offer.  I know Sanders isn't a gun nut, they don't even have guns in Vermont.  They just throw ice cream and syrup at each other when they get angry, it's safe and delicious.  So why does gun control make Bernie so grumpy?  It's a good question.

I'm also a little concerned about how a guy who looks and sounds like Doc Brown will do in a general election, and he'll probably need the political equivalent of 1.21 gigawatts of power to get the Republican Congress to do anything he wants to do with the economy.  I'm not saying I'm not voting for Bernie, but I'm not sold yet.

Hillary Clinton
I've made my thoughts on Hillary Clinton pretty clear.  I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton.  So let me just add this.  I really feel like Republicans need to stop talking about Benghazi and start just focusing on this thing with her emails.  My read on Benghazi is that it was always a fake scandal, but even if it wasn't, the party that gave George W. Bush a pass on 3,000 American lives doesn't get to throw stones about four.

The email thing is a real thing.  It seems like, when she was Secretary of State, national security information wasn't as secure as it should have been.  I feel like, if that statement is verifiably true about someone, that person shouldn't get to be President.  I think sometimes we make elections too complicated.  There are 320 million people in this country, and only one of them can be President at a time.  That makes me think that if we know someone scored, let's say, a B- on the keeping classified information safe test, maybe we should just look elsewhere.

I also think the Clinton Foundation stuff might be a real thing too, but Republicans seem to have dropped it.  Maybe just too much math.  I don't know.  Either way, we know Hillary Clinton is beatable because Barack Obama already did it, so somebody needs to step up because Barack is out of bullets.

Joe Biden
It's hard for me to imagine Joe Biden as President.  He just seems kind of silly to me, like a guy who just can't quite fill the big chair.  But maybe that's unfair.  Biden is very knowledgeable about foreign and domestic policy, he's experienced and likable and he knows Hillary's weaknesses as well as anyone who might run.  If we've been waiting for someone to save us from Hillary, maybe Joe Biden is who we've been waiting for.

So why can't I shake this feeling that he's actually going to help Hillary?  My read on the current state of the Democratic nomination process is that about half of Bernie Sanders' votes are "anyone but Hillary" votes.  Doesn't Biden take all of those while leaving Bernie with the people who just like Bernie?  Doesn't splitting the rest of the party really help Hillary?  What am I missing here?  Doesn't a Biden announcement now bury Sanders right when he has the momentum?  Aren't I asking a lot of rhetorical questions?

It's also worth pointing out that Joe Biden is, you know, not running yet.  Usually people who aren't running yet poll a little better than third if they're actually going to cause serious trouble once they do run.  Most of these guys do better before they have to start talking.  I'd be really surprised if Joe Biden becomes a serious contender.  To be honest, I'm starting to think I'd be really surprised if he runs.  I'm not sure he wants to. 

Hillary is still the obvious favorite.  If you forced me to put money on someone, I'd have to put it on her, but I wouldn't have to like it.

That's all the Democrats.  I know, seems like not enough.  Maybe Rand Paul and John Kasich can jump over to the Democratic field and see if maybe they can get some traction.  Kasich/Paul 2016!

This Cable News Network Goes to 11

I'm sorry.  There were two debates tonight and I just, I didn't have the patience or energy to watch the first one.  To be honest, it looked pretty sad to me.  It was just Jindal, Pataki, Santorum and Graham.  I thought Rick could be a real guy this time around.  I was wrong.  I also thought Pataki might not be a terrible candidate.  Wrong again.  Sorry guys.  I hope you enjoy appearing on cable news shows.

More importantly, how did CNN decide the numbers for these two debates?  Four, and then eleven.  Fox had ten in the main debate, and then everyone else in the other one.  Ten makes sense.  People love top ten lists.  CNN went with eleven.  This cable news network goes to eleven.

Tonight's debate is coming to us from the Reagan Library.  It's like a Republican theme park where they go every four years to pretend that our worst President was actually our best President.  He was a corporate whore with a jelly bean fetish.  I don't understand why these people are so fascinated by him.  It's going to be a long night, I'd better settle down.

8:10PM: This debate is airing around the world, says Jake Tapper.  That's pretty embarrassing.  Also, Tapper seems to be moderating this debate, along with Hugh Hewitt and Dana Bash.  Didn't CNN used to have journalists?  Is Tapper a journalist?  I honestly don't know.

8:13PM: Huckleberry just referred to the 11 people currently on stage as "The A Team", and he's casting Trump as Mr. T.  Way to relate to the young people Huck!

8:13PM: Rubio says he brought his own water because he knows California has a drought.  Hilarious Rubes!  People have no water to drink!  LOLZ!  It's funny because we're all going to die.

8:15PM: Trump says that he's made billions and billions of dollars but he made it clear that he was saying it "not in a braggadocious way".  Sadly, I think Trump honestly believes that's how not bragging works.

8:16PM: Carly stared awkwardly at the camera for about three seconds before she started talking.  I'm pretty sure that's the end of her campaign.

8:17PM: Kasich said hello to his kids in the introductions.  Feels like the move of somebody who isn't 100% sure he'll be around for the next debate.

8:18PM: Christie directed the camera to face the audience instead of him.  He's fun.  Can we keep him for a little longer?

8:20PM: Tapper asked Carly if she'd be comfortable with Trump's finger on the button, she didn't answer.  The correct answer is no.  Trump's response was to point out that Rand Paul shouldn't be on the stage.  Rand correctly pointed out the non-sequitur and called Trump sophomoric.  Trump responded by saying he's never attacked Rand on his appearance even though "there's plenty of subject matter there".  It's like Trump is doing a perfect Trump impression.

8:22PM: Walker..."Jake, Jake, Jake....Jake!".  Tapper ignored him.

8:23PM: Trump keeps responding to questions about his temperament by attacking random people who weren't part of the question.

8:25PM: Walker (after Tapper finally called on him) about Trump: "just because he says it doesn't mean it's true".  That's a good point, but in this case Trump was talking about the terrible economic job Walker has done in Wisconsin, which is 100% true, sooooo....

8:26PM: Kasich begs Tapper to get to the issues.  I think John may be confused about what network he's on.  Tapper followed that by asking Christie about something mean Ben Carson may or may not have said about Christie.  Take that, issues!

8:30PM: Tapper is going to keep asking questions about Trump and you can't stop him.  This one was about how Trump isn't bought and paid for by donors.  Bush says the only donor that tried to get him to do something was Trump, who wanted casino gambling in Florida.  Trump says that isn't true.  One of them is lying.  I'm pretty sure I know who, but I wish Tapper would try to find out.

More importantly, I love the distinction Trump is making here.  He's saying all these people are whores, but he's not.  Good point, Trump's more of a slut.  He acts like a whore, but you don't have to pay him.

8:34PM: Huckleberry, Rubio and Cruz have literally had no opportunities to speak since the introductions.  We're 25 minutes in.  Tapper, with apparently no interest in hearing from all of the candidates, asks Trump another question.

8:36PM: Rubio says Putin is trying to usurp our role in the middle east.  Why is that a bad thing?  If you've been carrying around a bag of dog shit for 70 years and then some Russian guy shows up and tries to steal your bag of dog shit, you don't really put up much of a fight.  Please Vlad, take it.

8:38PM: Carly wants to arm Jordan and the Kurds.  Is the plan to try to give weapons to every single faction in the middle east and see if maybe one of them doesn't eventually wind up shooting them at us?  How's that working out so far?

8:40PM: I think Ted Cruz doesn't understand that if you print out a copy of a law and rip it up, that doesn't mean it's not a law anymore.  That's strange because he's supposedly a lawyer.

8:43PM: Kasich and Rand have spent the last few minutes talking about how we shouldn't make rash decisions in foreign policy.  These other guys disagree, and I fear Republican primary voters will too.

8:44PM: Still nothing from Huck.  Can we send someone to his podium to check out the situation over there?

8:45PM: In a huge upset, Jeb is the first person to suck up to Israel.  I'm shocked.

8:48PM: Rand points out that if we had bombed the Assad regime years ago like these other people wanted to and still wish he had, ISIS would be in control of everything in Syria by now.  That's a good and accurate point, and Tapper has no follow up for anyone.

8:51PM: Tapper has no control.  He just said he wanted to go to Dana Bash.  Kasich said no and just started talking, and then Carly called next.  Tapper then moved on to Cruz and Huck, with Carly still calling next.

8:53PM: Huck says that the Supreme Court decided to redefine marriage "out of thin air".  Thin air, the 14th amendment, whatever.  For the record, I don't understand why they threw that county clerk lady in jail, but I also don't understand why she wasn't just fired for refusing to do her job.  Kentucky's a strange place though so who knows.

8:57PM: Kasich says you can get things done without shutting down the federal government.  He's getting the confused dog face from Cruz.

9:00PM: Would Chris Christie support shutting down the government over Planned Parenthood?  In a touching homage to political brinkmanship, Christie says yes and says they should force the President to do what he's threatening to do.

9:02PM: Carly is very angry about Planned Parenthood.  Like really really angry.  Uncomfortably angry.  It got her a standing ovation.

9:04PM: Trump says "I will take care of women, I respect women".  Nothing in the history of Donald Trump suggests that's true, but OK.

9:07PM: Trump's response to the question about him calling Carly ugly "I think she's got a beautiful face and she's a beautiful woman".  Perfect.

9:13PM: Immigration policy time.  Ben Carson's casual mention of the fact that you can cut holes in fences pretty much ruins the immigration policy of everyone on the stage.

9:15PM: Tapper says we're going to Dana Bash for more about immigration.  Translation: Dana's going to ask a question about something Donald Trump said about Jeb's wife being a Mexican.  Journalism!

9:18PM: Apparently Trump's plan for undocumented immigrants involves moving all of them out, but then letting the great ones and the good ones come back.  And also speaking English.

9:20PM: We seem to be talking about whether or not it's appropriate for Presidential candidates to answer questions in Spanish.  Rubio says he gives interviews in Spanish so that people who don't speak English yet will hear directly from him and not some translator at Univision.  What?  What a strange reason to give.

9:22PM: When all the other guys start falling all over themselves to say how much they like and respect you, that means they have internal polling that says you can't possibly beat them.  Hasta la vista Ben Carson.

9:26PM: Trump says we're the only ones stupid enough to have birthright citizenship.  Yeah!  Take your American exceptionalism and shove it up your ass!  Stop being so stupid!

9:30PM: Every time Tapper says he's going to ask a question about an issue, he starts off with some Trump insult about another candidate that's vaguely related to that issue.  Why can't he just ask Carly why her time at HP was disastrous?  Why does he need a Trump quote for that?

9:32PM: Trump says Carly can't run any of his companies.  I assume that's because he doesn't think she's pretty enough.  Carly responds by pointing out that Trump has run four different businesses into bankruptcy.  Trump mostly just laughs whenever someone brings that up.  

9:34PM: Christie says construction workers couldn't care less about Trump and Carly's careers.  It's not just construction workers, but I agree with his basic point.

9:35PM: Apparently Tapper's one and only rule is that if someone else mentions your name, then you get to talk for a while.  You don't necessarily have to respond to what they said, or talk about the same thing they were talking about.  It's like a game of hide and seek where everyone gets to hide whenever they want but nobody ever has to seek.

9:38PM: Huck is still pushing the fair tax.  He properly explained it as a tax on consumption rather than on what you earn.  That sounds really good, except that in practice it's incredibly regressive and just awful for working people.  Rich people use a small percentage of their money to buy stuff, so a fair tax only taxes a small percentage of their money.  Poor and working people use all of their money to buy stuff they need to live like food and shelter, so a consumption tax is, for them, not totally awesome.

9:41PM: Carson seems to be in favor of direct democracy, as he's referenced getting the government out of the way and letting the people make decisions multiple times.  If I can make a serious point, this is why people who don't know anything about government make bad candidates.  There's a huge difference between what Ben is talking about and the system of government we actually have.  Ben's not a dumb guy, but government isn't his field.  People who don't understand how government works (Ben, Trump, Carly) make bad candidates.  If you have a broken toilet and you hire a plumber who does a crappy job, and then another plumber who does another crappy job, you don't go out and see if a bus driver can fix your toilet.  You go out and find a better plumber, even though you're getting really sick of plumbers.  Ben is probably smarter than a plumber, but I bet he can't fix your toilet.

9:45PM: I swear I think Kasich might actually make a decent President.  I'm sure I don't agree with him on everything, but he seems pretty reasonable.

9:47PM: Carly is a whirlwind of Fox News talking points about Hillary Clinton.  Smart Republicans would stop talking about Benghazi and just talk about the email thing, which is a real thing even though Democrats don't want it to be.

Apparently, this CNN debate is three hours long.  I call shenanigans on that.  I have an hour and a half of this in me, two hours tops.  And that's on a good day, which this week has not included.  I'm done with you CNN.  You can't hold me hostage for three hours.  Let's say Kasich won because I can always hope for a candidate that I don't hate voting for.

What Massachusetts Is Like

I'm always interested in providing important public services.  Recently I realized that while I live in Massachusetts, most of my Facebook friends, and most of the people who might read this, are not from Massachusetts, and might have no idea what it's like here.  I also think the Facebook friends I do have from Massachusetts could benefit from seeing how it looks to an outsider.  So what's Massachusetts like? 

First of all, Boston accents aren't a real thing.  I've never once met someone with a Ben Affleck style Boston accent.  I think it's just something TV and movies made up for fun.  It's not that people here have no accents.  I have one co-worker who talks a little like Peter Griffin.  He might be from Rhode Island or somewhere.  I have a friend from about an hour north of Boston.  Her accent is certainly unique, but nothing like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, or Ben Affleck in everything.  Boston accents aren't real, tell your friends.

Also, people here are obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, to like an unhealthy degree.  When I lived in New York, Dunkin Donuts was where you would go to get cheap, serviceable coffee because you didn't feel like waiting in line forever and overpaying at Starbucks.  I've lived here for five years and I've seen two Starbucks, and one of them is on my campus.  Meanwhile, on my 10-15 minute drive home, I can pass anywhere between two and five Dunkin Donuts locations.  Everyone you meet here has worked at a Dunkin Donuts at some point.  Everyone.  Sometimes you can see a Dunkin Donuts from another Dunkin Donuts.  And nobody ever actually gets donuts. 

Speaking of food, it's mostly terrible here.  I did have good Chinese food at one point this summer, and also good Italian food once last month, but those took me five years to find.  As far as I can tell, there's no such thing as a good deli here.  When I worked in Manhattan, there was this place near work called Taco Grill.  It was greasy and horrible and delicious.  And if you wanted something a little less heart clogging, there was the Great Burrito.  You cannot get a good taco in Massachusetts.  Not anywhere, not ever.  And then there's the pizza.

The pizza here is infuriating.  I've seen such horrible things.  It's like the Vietnam of pizza.  I've seen round pies cut into squares.  I've seen pies cut into 16 slices instead of 8 for no reason other than to bother me.  I've seen "thin crust" "New York Style" pizza with crust so thick you can't even really fold it in half.  There's a place right across the street from work called Peppa's.  Sometimes, if you catch them on the right day, the pizza there is almost good.  But, most of the time, the crust is just a little too thick in the most frustrating way because it's so close.  After five years here, I finally found a decent pizza place this summer.  It's a 35 minute drive and they still cut the pizza into too many slices unless you tell them not to, but at least it tastes like it's supposed to taste.

When you live in Massachusetts, you can't just go to a 7-11 or a regular little grocery store for alcohol.  When I went to Hofstra, there was this place down Hempstead Turnpike near the hospital that just sold beer and other drinks.  It might have been called the Beverage Barn.  It also might not have been called that, I don't really remember.  Massachusetts is full of places like that.  They're called package stores.  Some people also call them packys, but you don't want to associate with those people.  They're the only place you can get beer and liquor, and they're only open until like 8PM, and I think they may be completely closed on Sundays.  I thought Massachusetts was supposed to be fun.

Especially when I was at college, there was this thing where you'd call people with Massachusetts license plates massholes and say they didn't know how to drive.  After living here for five years, I don't know if people here are bad drivers, but if they are, they certainly have an excuse.  Driving here is terrifying.  All the roads are one lane, and the roads that have more then one lane usually have at least one lane under construction.  Everything here is constantly under construction, but nothing is ever finished or even better.

About a mile or two from where I work, there's this thing called a rotary.  Five or a hundred different roads converge in a circle.  There are no traffic lights to be seen, and yield and stop signs are just sort of scattered about in no particular pattern.  You have to get from one side of the circle to some road that leaves the circle somewhere else with no assistance from traffic signs or regulations.  It's a nightmare.  This summer I tried to go through the rotary to Enfield, CT but I wound up in Somers, CT, which is a solid five miles from Enfield, because I picked the wrong road because there are no signs.  If people from Massachusetts are bad drivers in New York, you really can't blame them.  They're not used to roads that go straight and are marked.

I don't know if this is a Massachusetts thing or just a reflection of this generation of stupid parents and helpless kids, but school buses stop at your house here.  When I was a kid, we had this thing called a bus stop where you'd go and the bus would sort of meet you there.  At least I think that's how it worked, I only took the bus to kindergarten.  Anyway, here, the school bus stops at every house.  I get stuck behind it on the way to work sometimes.  It just stops in front of a house and sits there until some kid comes running out, usually with at least one parent.  Then it rolls a few houses forward and picks up the next kid.  No wonder they have no public transportation here.  People would just be sitting in front of their houses wondering why the bus hasn't come to take them to work yet.

Massachusetts isn't all bad.  For one thing, when the next election comes up, I can just vote for whatever crazy third-party candidate I want because my vote doesn't really matter here.  Also, there's a Roy Rogers within driving distance of where I live.  The people here are mostly friendly too.  You have to get used to making eye contact with people when you're walking, and even saying hello sometimes, but once you do it's actually not so bad. 

The weather here is sort of a mixed bag.  Since I moved here, I've experienced a number of things I never remember seeing once in New York.  I've seen a tornado, hail, snow in October, an earthquake (which isn't really weather but still) and a hurricane even though we're nowhere near the ocean.  On the plus side you can actually see some stars here.  I'm willing to sit through a few earthquakes and tornadoes for a good night sky.

You would probably expect that I'd mention sports at some point, but really there's no need.  Sports are pretty much the same here.  Red Sox fans, once the adorable underdogs of the sports world, are just like Yankee fans now...super spoiled and terribly whiny whenever the team isn't good even though they just won a championship like two years ago.  Celtics fans are just like Knicks fans, despondent and pathetically hopeful about this new coach.  Patriots fans are just like Giants fans in the 80s when Parcells was there...unwilling or unable to shut up about the coach and how great he is and how nobody has ever coached football like he coaches football. 

Sidenote, watching this whole deflated footballs thing unfold from inside New England was fascinating.  For the record, this was the stupidest fake sports scandal in the history of what I can remember and I can't believe Brady almost missed actual games for it, but still, people here were so defensive.  If they had found Brady's fingerprints on the inside of every football in question, people here would have been like "that's totally normal, quarterbacks always thoroughly finger the inside of the footballs, STOP SINGLING BRADY OUT!!!!".

I don't mean to be so negative on where I live now.  For all I know, it could be the second best place in the world to live.  I would definitely go to college here.  There's colleges everywhere.  At Hofstra, the only other school I can remember being near us was Adelphi, and I'm pretty sure we ignored them on purpose.  Where I am now there's like 10 colleges right around here.  I'm sure the kids are having a fun time.  Massachusetts is a nice place, it just isn't New York.  But what is?

Advice for College Students

I saw a New York Times article recently which advertised advice for new college students.  I work at a University, so I decided to take a look.  First of all, the tweet suggested that I was about to read 25 tips for college students, but it was really seven tips that had a few different sub-tips.  Nice click bait New York Times!  You used to have prestige.  Secondly, the advice was from recent college graduates, and it was terrible.  Not all of it, but way too much of it. 

I decided I could do better.  Then I got distracted for a little while by work and TV and stuff.  But then I wrote this.  I'm not trying to be too tough on the recent college grads the Times coerced into doing this, they don't know any better.  As always, I'm just trying to provide a public service.  I should also mention, in the event that someone I don't already know reads this, that this does not reflect the views of the school I work at, or any school I've ever worked at, or any other human being.

1) Extend Yourself
        - Be willing to learn as you go
        - Challenge yourself to do something new

This first section is a little hit or miss.  The article specifically cites laundry doing as a skill you should be willing to learn as you go.  That's a bad idea.  It only takes one week of not doing laundry to make you the smelly kid in you dorm.  Don't be that guy.  There are plenty of skills that you'll do just fine picking up as you go through your first year, but hygiene related skills like washing clothes and showering every day should be ready on day one. 

Challenging yourself to do something new is a good idea, but keep in mind that going to college is already something new and scary so maybe give yourself a break.  You'll have plenty of chances to do something new in your four years at college, you don't have to go looking for something all the time.

2) Do the Work!
        - Go to class unless you're half dead.
        - Outline your papers and footnote everything.
        - Get tutoring if you need it.

The first bullet is terrible advice.  Look, I'm not saying don't go to class, but there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to miss class.  I took Spanish 1 at 8AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays my first semester.  I had taken Spanish every year from 7th grade through 12th grade, and since my elementary and high schools didn't care a lot about me actually learning a language, I basically took Spanish 1 six times.  I didn't feel like I needed to wake up for Spanish class, and I mostly didn't.  I still got an A in Spanish 1 because I'm not a moron and the professor wasn't mean. 

The other two things are fine, I guess.  Outlining your papers is a fine idea if you're into that kind of thing.  I'm not.  I don't really understand the value of footnotes.  Some professors are going to ask you to use footnotes anyway.  Why add superfluous footnotes to your life?

3) Understand the System and Work It
        - Expect the Administration not to care about you.  Professors, on the other hand, can be your greatest allies.
        - Develop relationships with department secretaries.
        - Credit cards with high interest rates are scams.
        - Take advantage of internship opportunities during the school year.

This whole section is a mess.  Some administrators will care about you, and some faculty will too, and some other people won't.  People are just people, and some of them are good people and some of them are bad people.  It doesn't matter what they do for a living.  Also keep in mind that faculty, even though they work at a college, are still lazy teachers who don't work summers.  So, if you need a reference in June, good luck with faculty.

High interest credit cards are scams?  Thanks Captain Obvious.  This seems to be the only vague mention of money or debt in the whole article, and we'll get back to that, but yes, don't sign up for the first credit card you see.  On the other hand, you're a freshman in college and you don't have any money, so you may need to get some kind of credit card so you don't starve.  Just be smart about it.

I've known plenty of students who did internships during the school year.  You know what they didn't do?  Sleep and/or have any fun.  I'm not saying don't ever do an internship, but pace yourself a little.  You have your whole life to go to work everyday and never sleep or have fun.

4) Be Yourself
        - Don't compare yourself to other students.
        - Don't be sad if you're a first generation student and you don't feel like you fit in.
        - Shed your inhibitions and prior concepts of who people can be.

I don't have any major quarrels with this section.  Being yourself is a solid idea, and so is letting other people be themselves.  You're 18, so you probably have no idea who yourself is yet, but that's OK as long as you're trying.

5) Tend To Yourself
        - College is like being high, don't lose track of who you are and where you want to go.
        - Sometimes a mental health day is in order.
        - There's a bunch of other stuff in this section about taking naps and showers.

Now this is what I call advice!  Take mental health days.  Lots of them.  You know what you never get to do when you get a real job?  Take a day off because you're just sort of not feeling up to going outside.  College students, if they're doing it right, are more in charge of their own time then anyone else in the world except retired people.  Take advantage of that.

Also, naps are good but they're a slippery slope.  If you get into the habit of napping you will eventually lay down for a 20 minute nap and wake up 6 hours later.  That's just the way it goes.  Try not to miss anything too important.

6) Develop People Skills
        - No one cares about your high school accomplishments.
        - Freshmen quickly form close groups that disastrously fall apart, try not to do that.
        - Don't hook up with the boy across the hall on your first night of college.
        - Think about where you want to set your boundaries sexually.

Saying no one cares about your high school accomplishments is a little harsh.  High school things shouldn't go on your resume or anything, but if you make good friends who care about you, I'm sure they'll want to hear what you were like in high school.  I always ask students that question.  The answers are usually interesting.

Yes, your freshman year friend group will absolutely fall apart disastrously.  That's a true story.  That doesn't mean you won't have fun with them first.  Just don't lend them large amounts of money or give them a kidney or anything. 

Hooking up with the person across the hall on the first night is kind of a mixed bag.  It's probably OK on a big campus.  At big schools you can meet someone once and never again, especially if you're trying for never again.  But at small schools?  Yeah, you'll never be able to avoid anyone, especially if they're the same year as you. 

7) Don't Get Stuck
        - Do what you love and you'll be good at what you do.
        - Take your time.
        - If you're not having an exciting college experience, change something.

This whole section was mostly OK. The main thing is, don't be afraid to change your major.  Your parents probably read something online about how a certain major always gets you a job and money, and now they're making you choose that major.  You're a grown-up now and you don't have to listen to those people anymore.  Major in something you like.  Or if you can't find something you like, at least major in something easy that won't bother you too much (that's how I found Psychology).  There's always jobs to get if you're willing to work hard at something.

This whole article said almost nothing about money, so listen.  You're going to run up a lot of debt in college, and that's OK.  Just don't be too stupid about it.  Sometimes you can spend money on silly things.  I bought like 12 European soccer jerseys my senior year.  I think I still have one of them.  That was OK though, it was fun while I was doing it.  However, I also put a $1200 stereo system in my car senior year.  I got rid of that car over that summer.  I knew I was going to have to get rid of the car soon, because it was old and I took terrible care of it, but I got the stereo system anyway.  That was stupid and I should have known better.  You don't have to be super smart, just a little smart.

Oh also.  Guess who doesn't care about your GPA?  Everyone in the world.  You'll know pretty early on if you want to go to law school or something, and then you should know about GPA requirements for law schools, but for the most part you'll be fine.  That one B- in statistics isn't going to haunt you forever.  I got a Bsomething in statistics because I took it during a semester when I randomly stopped going to class for like three weeks because I didn't really feel like it.  When I interviewed for grad school they asked me about it and I just gave them some story about still learning lots of good stuff or whatever.  Worked out fine for me.

This article also never mentioned alcohol, which is strange because people will mention it all the time once you get to campus.  I can't really give advice about drinking except to say that if you find yourself vomiting or involuntarily falling down, you probably aren't doing it right.  Anyway, college is fun and you should have fun.  Don't hurt anybody and don't hurt yourself too much and you'll be fine. 

Sean and Soccer Save the World

Years ago, during the 2010 World Cup final http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/07/two-teams-one-cup.html, I commented that any part of life could be improved by employing the same yellow card/red card system used in soccer games.  I always meant to elaborate on that, but then we all got really into planking, and then the 2012 election happened and I just sort of forgot about it.  It's never too late to make the world a better place though, so here goes.

First of all, if you're not a soccer fan, let me briefly review how cards work in soccer (and if you are a soccer fan...ya know...why?).  If you're playing soccer and you do something mildly alarming, like accidentally kick a guy in the shin while going for the ball, or hold the back of someone's jersey so they try to get the ball but can't and it's pretty hilarious but also not allowed, then the referee may run up to you and waive a yellow card at you.  The referee will also write your name down, I've noticed.  A yellow card is basically a warning to please stop doing dickish things to your fellow soccer players or else.  Or else what?

Well, let's say you do something very alarming, like picking the ball up and spiking it onto the referee's head, or intentionally kicking a fellow soccer man directly in the testicles.  At that point, the referee (assuming his head isn't bleeding too badly) will run up to you and waive a red card in your face.  When that happens, you have to leave and no more soccering for you today.  I suppose you could go to a park down the street or something and play in a different game, but the people in the park would probably ask you why you left your original game, and you'd say you kicked someone in the genitals, and then they would probably say they don't really want to play with you.

You also get a red card if you get a second yellow card in the same game, and it seems that if you get a second yellow card in two different games in the same tournament you have to sit out the next game after that.  It seems odd that two overly aggressive attempts to steal the ball would result in the same penalty as punching a goalie in the face for no reason, but I guess it's the only way to make the yellow cards meaningful.

Clearly, this would be an excellent addition to everyday life, so the question is how do we implement it effectively?  First of all, I'm only worried about American implementation.  I can't control the rest of the world and for all I know Europe and South America already use soccer cards in everyday life, those people love soccer.  I can't force Canada to do anything, and honestly they're already so polite they may not need this.  So just America, at least for starters.

Step one is easy.  Just have the Department of the Interior mail every American citizen their cards.  I can't imagine two cards for everyone would be all that expensive, although they would need some technology in them and we'll get to that in a minute.  The technology probably rules out getting them online, although I guess we could just all use our phones.  I don't know, people like getting mail sometimes.  I've always wanted a pen pal.

This also raises the question of whether or not kids get cards.  I think we need to hash out the process and consequences a little more before we decide if we can trust kids with this responsibility, so let's put a pin in that and get back to it. 

Alright so everybody has cards, now what?  Well, I think, and some people are probably going to be a little uncomfortable with this, but I think the only way to do this correctly is for everyone to get chips implanted in their heads.  I thought about this for 30 or 45 seconds and I really can't think of a better plan.  Now before you say no, just think about a couple of things.  First of all, we're not putting chips in your brain, just in your head.  Under the skin somewhere, but outside your skull.  That's not so bad, right?  More importantly, this only works to improve the world if we all play along.  If you try to give a stranger a yellow card and they just run away and don't give you their name, the system ceases to work.  If there's a chip in your card and a chip in the stranger's head, his yellow card is immediately recorded in the card database and he can run all he wants, he still has a yellow card.

This brings us to the other piece of technology we'll be needing.  Hand held cards are good for work and grocery stores and stuff, but we would absolutely need to integrate the card system into driving.  This shouldn't be that hard.  Every car would need to be equipped with a sensor and a voice activated card system.  If you need to give another car a card while driving, you would just say "Car in front of me, yellow card" and then the car in front of you would get a yellow card.  Ideally, yellow lights would flash in his car for a minute to alert him.  This would be fun but not entirely necessary.

Whenever you get a chance, when you get home or whatever, you would just log into the database and put in the specific reasons for whatever cards you issued that day.  There has to be some review process.  We can't just have people issuing cards with no oversight.  We would need a team of card administrators reviewing all cards issued and reasons given, and either approving or disallowing them.  This leads to the next big element...valid reasons for giving a card.

You have to understand that this system isn't meant to replace our criminal justice system.  If somebody shoots you in the face or robs your house or something, they would still go to jail.  Cards are for those things that are really annoying and everybody hates you for doing, but aren't necessarily illegal.  At the same time, we can't let people use the cards to be mean or get revenge for stuff.  If you ask someone to lunch and they say no, you can't give them a yellow card.  People have the right to not have lunch with you. 

We'd start with a committee to generate a starter list of valid reasons for cards.  The committee would consist of the following people:
Me (obviously)
Neil Degrasse Tyson
Norm MacDonald
Emma Stone
Ronald Reagan's Ghost (I know, but everybody has to feel represented on the committee.  We can't have an entire country of Republicans refusing to participate in the card system)
Beyoncé or Jay-Z, but not both of them
Slash
Ian Darke (for soccer knowledge and Britishness)
Elizabeth Warren
Stephen Hawking (I know we already have a scientist, but I'm just looking for smart people, multiple scientists were bound to happen)
The Pope (not the last guy, but definitely the current guy)
Gibbs
Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart, but again, not both of them
Ellen Page
Hemingway's Ghost (as long as we're inviting ghosts)
Morgan Freeman
Tina Fey (I'm iffy on Tina, but the committee needs more women)

I'm open to other suggestions for the committee.  It clearly needs a few more women.  I thought about Kirsten Gillebrand but we already have a Senator and the Senate already has enough power.  I would think the committee could get pretty big, maybe around 30 people. 

Once the committee generated a starter list, we could roll out the system, but we could continue to add things to the list as they come up.  Any new reason entered into the database would be reviewed by an administrator.  If the administrator saw some validity, the reason would be submitted to the committee and it would need to be approved by a 2/3 majority.  Committee members would have lifetime appointments.  When they died, the remaining members of the committee would replace them in a very secretive process that I really can't tell you about because it's a secret.

Since I'm on the committee, I can give you a quick preview of some of the things that will earn you a card...

Yellow Cards
-Driving below the speed limit on a one lane road
-Using the self check-out at the grocery store when you clearly don't know how to use the self check-out at the grocery store
-Coming into my office without commenting on the awesome art that now resides in my office
-Watching Thursday night football when your fantasy team isn't directly impacted
-Telling people you're "from New York" when you're actually from upstate New York.  North of Westchester is just meth labs and broken dreams.
-Wearing a bike helmet as an adult
-Not being willing to admit that SVU is unwatchable without Stabler
-Playing video games as an adult
-Trying to get on the subway or an elevator before other people get off
-Walking slowly on the sidewalk (New York City only)

Red Cards
-Being mean to an animal in any way that falls short of breaking the law (stinging insects do not in any way count as animals and you can be as mean to them as you want)
-Leaving a crappy tip for no good reason
-Burping loudly in public and then reacting as though you've accomplished something or done something funny.
-Day drinking after you've graduated college.  You could literally say to people "go home, you're drunk" and they would have to listen to you.  How fun would that be?

What happens when you get a card?  Yellow cards are easy.  Yellow cards are just a warning, so nothing really has to happen.  We're not doing the whole two yellow cards equals a red card thing because I think that's silly in real life, so yellow cards have no concrete consequences, you just feel shame, which should be enough.  You could even issue some joking yellow cards to friends, but we'd keep an eye on you because too many joke yellow cards would corrupt the system.  If you issued too many joke yellow cards, me or Neil would show up personally to issue you a red card and take your cards away for some indefinite period of time.  Once you were cardless, people could do whatever they wanted to you.  You don't want that.

Red cards are tough though.  Part of the efficacy of the red card is the immediacy of the impact.  You get a red card and then you leave.  There's no appeal or second opinion, you just leave.  So, ideally, if you were driving and you got a red card, your car would automatically drive you to your house and then shut off and refuse to start again for 24 hours.  In general, a red card would ban you from participating in whatever activity you were doing incorrectly for some period of time.  We'd have to figure out how we define certain activities.  If you got a red card for being a crappy tipper, would you be banned from eating for 24 hours or banned from that particular restaurant for a year?  Something else for the committee to consider.  

Anyway, I think we could only let people give red cards for pre-approved reasons.  If somebody does something you think should be a red card, but it isn't on the list, then you can't give the card.  You can give them a yellow card and suggest that the committee make the offense a red card, and then maybe it would be a red card in the future.  We'd all have to have some patience with the system at first while we worked out the kinks.  I promise it'll be worth it.

Erroneous red cards would be very bad.  If you're caught giving somebody a red card for something they didn't actually do, you would most likely have to serve significant prison time.  Same goes for ignoring a red card that has been appropriately issued to you. That's really the only way to keep people in line.  Everybody needs to respect the system or it won't work. 

Back to whether or not kids get cards.  I feel like they should.  Bad parenting isn't punished nearly enough in our society.  I think allowing kids to give red cards to their parents would really raise the bar a little bit.  Remember, you could only give red cards for pre-approved reasons, so there's a defense in place to keep kids from inappropriately using the cards against their parents.  I think for kids, instead of prison time for an erroneous red card, we would probably just have to take their cards away until they turned 18.  I think this would all work out just fine.

Once we get the system in place and we get a good working list of red card offenses, I think this is going to go really well.  The best part is, people are always complaining that Americans don't respect soccer enough, and we still won't, but now we can give those people yellow cards for complaining.

The Big Show

I have to say that I'm not a big fan of how Fox is handling this first debate.  For one thing, I don't understand why they felt the need to do one real debate with the top ten candidates in the polls and then one much less real debate with the other seven.  It kind of seems like we're saying that if you aren't polling in the top ten in August, you don't have a real chance to win.  That might be true for some people, but it still seems a little early for that kind of weeding out. 

Why not do two debates and just randomly split the field?  Or, since we're doing more than one debate anyway, why not split the field into three debates randomly so everyone gets a chance to actually talk.  You could run them on three consecutive nights.  How would this not be good television for Fox?  Why am I the only one around here thinking with my brain?

I suppose the concern is that if you did three debates on three consecutive nights, the people in the third debate would have an advantage, having heard what the people in the earlier debates said and how the audience responded to it.  Maybe they'd even have a night to poll test some stuff.  Honestly though, the chances of any of these people saying something they haven't said 100 times before is pretty minimal. 

Also, Fox is a news network.  Can't they exercise some editorial judgment here and not just blindly go with the polls?  We all know Ben Carson and Ted Cruz aren't going to be President.  Meanwhile, some of the guys at the kiddie debate were at least serious people, who probably will also not be President, but still.  You don't have to like him, but Rick Perry was the Governor of a huge state for 15 years, and tonight he debated at 5PM because Ben Carson and Donald Trump are polling well with people who couldn't find the United States on a map of North America.  Fox is making me feel sorry for Rick Perry and Rick Santorum.  My two least favorite Ricks.  I don't like this.  Let's just get started, OK?

Tonight's debate is being moderated by Chris Wallace, Bret Baier and Megyn Kelly.  Wallace is the closest thing Fox has to a real journalist, and I'm not entirely sure why he can't just moderate this debate on his own.  The other two...well...Megyn Kelly has done this before at least, but that doesn't mean she did it well.  And Bret Baier?  You'd have a better debate if you replaced him with an actual bear.  Where's Shepard Smith when you need him?

8:50PM - It appears that between the first debate and now, everyone on Fox agreed that Carly Fiorina won the first debate.  That was not what I saw, but I have to admit that Brit Hume probably knows what Republican primary voters like better than I do.

8:53PM - Fox's pre-debate panel appears to be getting paid by the number of times they say Donald Trump's name.

8:56PM - Megyn had to call the candidates out four or five times before they actually came out to the stage.  Looks like nobody went to rehearsal.

8:57PM - Just a super weird start.  All ten guys came out and stood in a line in front of the podiums while Megyn and Bret peppered them with questions like "Are you nervous?" and "What do you think of this crowd?".  Then Bret finally let them go to their podiums.  Then Megyn said these guys are probably all glad Carly Fiorina isn't here.  Seriously, did I watch the wrong debate this afternoon?

9:01PM - Fox has been asking viewers to submit questions via Facebook that they can use during the debate.  I always hate that.  You have a whole network full of supposed journalists, but your game plan involves taking questions from internet trolls.  Every network does this, and it is always stupid.

9:04PM - Bret starts by asking the candidates to raise their hand if they will not make a pledge to support the eventual winner and not run an independent campaign if they lose.  Trump's hand went up immediately, saying that he needs to respect the winner.  Rand Paul jumped right on him saying that Trump is used to buying politicians so he's already hedging his bets (in case the eventual winner can't be bought, is I assume Rand's point).  Rand should have won that exchange pretty easily, but the crowd's reaction was sort of mixed.  I think it scares Republicans that Trump is bringing people into the process that are loyal to Trump but not the party, or reality.

9:08PM - Solid minute from Rubio about how this election can't just be about resumes, and he'll make the Republicans the party of the future.  Make a note to keep an eye on Rubio, he may actually know stuff.

9:10PM - Bush says "In Florida, they called me Jeb because I earned it".  I don't know what that means, but I guess Jeb is a compliment in Florida. 

9:11PM - Megyn was trying to ask Trump about his habit of calling women fat pigs and disgusting animals.  His response was 1) be completely dismissive of Megyn 2) say he doesn't have time for political correctness and 3) threaten to stop being nice to Megyn.  There you go.

9:14PM - Ted Cruz still looks like a muppet.

9:15PM - Bret asked Christie about New Jersey being an economic catastrophe.  Christie responded "if you think it's bad now, you should have seen it when I got there".  Yikes.  Then Christie rattled off a list of Republican economic policies that he put into place in New Jersey.  After years of deficit cutting and regulation busting, New Jersey is a dumpster fire.  Ummm, Chris needs to re-group a little.  Somebody get him a meatball sandwich.

9:18PM - Huckabee suggests using the 5th and 14th amendments to outlaw abortion under all circumstances saying "the Supreme Court is not the supreme being".  Roe v Wade happened in 1973.  Same sex marriage supporters should make a note of that.  That argument is far from over for people like Mike.

9:19PM - Rand is having fun pointing out that ISIS rides around in a billion dollars worth of U.S. Humvees.  Rand then suggested that maybe we shouldn't be handing out weapons all over the middle east.  What an interesting idea.  Maybe don't give everyone weapons.  Can we do that?

9:21PM - John Kasich is pretty good at debating.  He successfully defended his use of the Medicare expansion and then talked about providing care for mentally ill people.  Put Kasich in my maybe column for now.

9:23PM - Jeb proposed fixing immigration instead of using it as a wedge issue.  Trump hasn't insulted anyone in a few minutes so he has to be getting pretty punchy.

9:24PM - Trump, "if it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be talking about illegal immigration".  OK well that's not true, but that never stops Donald.  Wallace asked him twice what specific evidence he has that the Mexican government is sending criminals over the border.  In a shocking twist, Trump was not able to provide evidence. 

9:31PM - Wallace keeps trying to ask about illegal immigration.  Nobody seems to want to answer him, except to say that everyone is in favor of building a giant wall.  Rubio finally pointed out that someone could dig a tunnel under the wall.  Put Marco in the maybe column too, even though he's still in favor of building the giant wall even though he openly admits walls are pretty easy to conquer.

9:35PM - Ted Cruz is not for amnesty.  He is very much for hearing the sound of Ted Cruz' voice.

9:36PM - Christie was apparently appointed to his job in the Bush administration on September 10, 2001.  Sounds like Chris would be a hell of a good luck charm.  I wouldn't go to Atlantic City with him.

9:38PM - Rand says we need to use the 4th amendment to get warrants to collect records from terrorists and not collect records from other people.  Chris is not a fan of getting warrants.  Chris also appears to be employing the Guliani style "September 11th is the answer to every question" strategy.  I don't recall that working out too well for Rudy.

9:40PM - Apparently multiple people, including military Generals and the State department, have told Ted that you can't defeat ISIS until you change the situation on the ground in Iraq and Syria so it's not so conducive to radicalization.  Ted thinks the idea that there's not a military solution to ISIS is nonsense.  You can see why I find the idea of a Cruz Presidency slightly problematic.

9:42PM - Jeb admits that he wouldn't have gone into Iraq knowing now that the intelligence was faulty, rejecting Megyn's argument that since people died in Iraq it isn't OK to say it was a mistake.  That was pretty good.  His answer to what he would do now was less good.

9:44PM - Ben Carson says "I wasn't sure I was going to get to talk again".  Like Kelly, Wallace and Baier, I had pretty much forgotten Ben was there.  He gave an answer similar to what Bobby Jindal said earlier, saying that everything will be OK if we just stop fighting politically correct wars and let the military do whatever they want. 

9:46PM - Trump wanted to quickly point out that he was always opposed to the Iraq War.  Good for him.  Then he said that single payer health care would have worked in another age in America, whatever that means, but now we need a private system.  I can't imagine Trump actually knows anything about health care, except that he hates having to give it to employees.

9:48PM - This is why Trump is doing well.  Sometimes he says things that are true.  He explained his donations to many politicians, Democrats and Republicans, including Hillary Clinton, by saying that if you give them money they do what you want, and that's a broken system.  Can't argue with him on that.

9:51PM - The question to Huckabee was "Is the government to big for anyone to shrink it?".  Huckabee started by saying no, but then talked for a minute about all the ways the federal government is too big.  I think Huckabee thinks no means yes.

9:52PM - Carson appears to be advocating for a flat tax, based on his feeling that the bible supports a flat tax.  It'll be fun to have Ben around for a while.

9:53PM - Jeb said a lot about education, but all I heard was "challenging the teacher's unions and beating them".  Yes please!  I'm very pro-union, but teachers unions are the absolute worst.

10:00PM - Kasich was asked how he would fight Hillary Clinton's argument that Republicans want to oppress women and take the country back to the past.  He said he would respond by balancing budgets.  I think he skipped a step or two.

10:01PM - Same question to Carson.  First he slipped in a doubt that Hillary will actually be the candidate (slick move), then he said he would educate people about how progressives are really causing the problems in this country.  Any political operative will tell you that if you're educating, you're losing.

10:03PM - Wallace asked Jeb how he would get us to 4% growth.  His answer mostly boiled down to cutting taxes and making a wish.  I'm officially worried about Jeb.

10:04PM - Walker keeps bragging about how he's been elected 3 times in Wisconsin.  He keeps leaving out the fact that that's because they tried to recall him twice. 

10:06PM - Wallace asked Christie if Huckabee is lying when he says he can save social security without cutting benefits or raising the retirement age.  Christie said "No, he's not lying, he's just wrong."  This is why people like Christie.  That's both honest and a little funny, and also true.  I'm glad he took that sandwich break.

10:07PM - Huckabee still says he can save social security without cutting benefits or raising the retirement age, you just have to institute his fair tax.  Huckabee makes a good point, which is that people didn't opt into social security.  The government started taking their money when they started working and they didn't get a choice, so it's not their fault the system is in trouble.  All true, but life's not fair and magic tax plans won't fix social security.  People are going to have to deal with a raised retirement age eventually.  That's just the way it is.

10:11PM - Wallace pointed out that four Trump companies have gone bankrupt, but Trump responded that he's never personally gone bankrupt.  Wallace asked him about one specific deal where his lenders lost over a billion dollars and 1,100 jobs.  Trump basically said that the lenders deserved it and everybody in Atlantic City goes bankrupt.  I have to give Wallace some credit.  He really has been trying to call Trump out on his bullshit, but Trump just keeps responding with louder bullshit and Wallace only has two hours. 

10:14PM - I know these guys genuinely believe that cutting corporate taxes will help working people.  It's just that there is zero evidence to support that hypothesis and it's really frustrating.

10:16PM - They just showed a clip of the earlier debate.  One thing I didn't notice before, Carly Fiorina's hair appeared to be dyed to match her jacket.  That's an odd choice.

10:17PM - Rand made a legitimate point about the Iran deal.  He thinks the Obama administration gave up too much too early.   You can disagree, but that's a perfectly reasonable critique and certainly better than the "I would tear up that deal on day one because freedom" answer we're getting from everyone else.

10:24PM - Question to Jeb about him being on the board of the Bloomberg foundation, which gave money to Planned Parenthood.  He says they never had a debate about the budget and he was just on the board because of Bloomberg's commitment to education.  OK then.

10:25PM - Rubio swears he's never supported a rape and incest exception to his anti-abortion stance.   Just tell me how this isn't big government.  I just want an explanation.

10:26PM - Question to Trump..."when did you actually become a Republican?".  He says he's evolved on abortion and he's pro-life now.  He said it very angrily, as he says all things all the time.

10:28PM - Can we all just agree that everyone here is anti-choice?  Do we really have to go through this every four years.  We all know the Republican nominee will be anti-choice.  Why do we have to compete every election cycle to see which guy is the most anti-choice?  Seems like a poor use of time.

10:30PM - Kasich just got applause for going to a same sex wedding.  The home crowd cheered pretty loudly for him.  John stays in the maybe column, but this probably means Fox will declare him the clear loser of the debate.

10:32PM - Rand says he's opposed to the government invading the church.  Luckily, so is the government, so we're all good there.

10:35PM - Racial issues question to Walker.  He looks terrified.  He says police need better training and we should treat everyone the same here in America.  Score one generic answer for Scott.

10:38PM - Trump just recommend buying stock in Iran.  I think he was kidding but I can't say I'm 100% sure.

10:39PM - Bret asked Cruz if Russia and China are cyber terrorists.  Bret was just baiting Ted, and boy did Ted take the bait.  Has Ted mentioned that he opposes the Iran deal?  He does.

10:40PM - Republicans keep pointing out that Iran released hostages the day Reagan was elected.  If Iran released some hostages the day Obama was elected these guys would have marched on Washington and screamed about how Iran sees Obama as an ally because he's a secret Muslim.  I'd love to see a Republican debate where nobody is allowed to mention Reagan.  It would last 7 minutes before they all ran away.

10:42PM - Scott Walker would apparently send weapons to anyone who wanted them.  Can we just have one 10 minute discussion about the history of arming everyone who claims to be on our side at any one point in history?  Just once.  Please?

10:43PM - Huckabee feels that the purpose of the military is protecting Americans and not being nice to transgender people.  I'm glad President Huckabee feels like he'd be OK as President turning away willing and able military volunteers.

10:45PM - Rand says it would be better if Israel was independent and we didn't have to keep sending them money we don't have.  That's the exact same argument Republicans make about poor people, but for some reason Republicans don't like it when you replace poor people with Israel.

10:46PM - Christie wants to make the Navy bigger again.  He's really worried about the Spanish Armada.  You never know when they'll show up.

10:50PM - A Facebook questioner asked if any of these guys have received specific instructions from god.  Please someone say yes.  Please!

10:51PM - Sadly, even Cruz didn't take the bait on the talking to god question.  Disappointing.

10:52PM - Kasich just talked for a minute about uniting the country, listening to other people and not leaving anyone behind.  I'm a hard maybe on Kasich right now.

10:54PM - Rubio says god has blessed the Republican party with some great candidates when the Democrats can't even find one.  Then he talked about reforming the VA.  Rubio may have something for the rest of these guys.  Keep an eye on him.

10:56PM - Carson says he doesn't talk about race that much because he's a neurosurgeon.  I thought that was a pretty good line.  Ben's not going to win, but he's pretty funny sometimes.

Summary of the closing statements:
Kasich - He talked about having a lot of experience.  I think John may be a pretty good candidate, but he needs to work on being less boring.
Christie - Chris' dad worked in an ice cream plant.  That explains some things.  He again mentioned that he was appointed to the Bush administration on September 10, 2001.  Seriously, I wouldn't stand next to him anywhere.
Paul - Rand made an electability argument and said he's a different kind of Republican.
Rubio - Rubio wants expand the American dream for more people.
Cruz - Ted gave one of those nonsense day one plans.  Booooo!  Ted's first day would have approximately 910 hours in it.
Carson - Carson says that everyone is bragging about the things that they were the only one to do, and then says "I'm the only one to separate Siamese twins."  Then he says he thought he was the only one to take out half a brain, but when he gets to Washington he may find that someone beat him to it.  Seriously, Ben's funny.
Huckabee -  Huckabee tried to be funny.  Huck isn't funny though.
Walker - "I'm a guy with a wife and two kids and a Harley".  Ugh. 
Bush - Jeb tried to jam his whole platform into 30 seconds.  Always a mistake.
Trump - I think he just called America a loser.

Man, that was long.