Christmas In The NFL

For me, this is one of the most boring weeks of the year. I had work until the 23rd, but there weren't any students around, so there wasn't a lot to do. TV is especially Christmasy, which makes me especially not interested in it. Even most sports talk radio guys take the week off. This means I have to find a way to keep myself entertained, so welcome to what might be my longest blog post ever. I'm getting Christmas presents for every team in the NFL. Sure, I could just make NFL playoff predictions like most other people are doing around now, but where's the fun in that? Here we go...

I'm getting the Oakland Raiders paper bags with eye holes cut out, so they can re-gift them to their fans. This won't cost as much as you think, paper bags are cheap and there can't be more than a few hundred Raider fans left. I know they beat a few playoff teams this year, but I've seen the Raiders play four times (Giants, Jets, Thanksgiving at Dallas and for some reason the NFL thought I needed to see them play Washington week 14) and every single one of those games was an abomination. Their punter is, at worst, their second best player. If you objectively ranked every team in the NFL each week based on the last week's performance, I think the Raiders would have landed squarely at the bottom more than any other team this season.

I'm giving the San Diego Chargers two tickets to Disneyland, because I say this is the year they win it all. I feel like I'm out on a limb a little here. First, I'm backing Norv Turner in the playoffs, never smart. Second, they'll have to win in Indy, not easy. Still, I don't trust the Colts and I don't trust the Saints, and a team with this much talent has to win sometime, even with Norv Turner, I say the time is now.

I feel like the Denver Broncos will never really get over John Elway. The quarterbacks they've had since him aren't helping. I'm getting them a cloning machine. But, they can only use it to make another Elway. If they make any other clones, they can't keep the Elway clone. This sounds like a fair deal.

I've always liked the Kansas City Chiefs. I was willing to kidnap Larry Johnson for them, but they seem to have gotten rid of him on their own. So, what do you do when you have a great gift for someone and then you find out at the last minute that it's ruined? That's right, I'm stopping at 7-11 and getting the Chiefs a card and some stale chocolate.

I'm getting the Tennessee Titans big signs for their locker room and sideline. The signs will say "give the ball to Chris Johnson!". We may also need a smaller sign for the inside of Vince Young's facemask, in case he gets any crazy ideas about throwing the ball to other people. I can't remember the last time I saw one football player be so much better and more valuable than everyone else on his team. This happens more often in other sports, I feel like it's rarest in football. Also, four teams drafted running backs before him last year, everyone involved in all four of those decisions should be fired immediately.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the easiest team to shop for. They're getting some moving vans, because they clearly aren't hanging around Jacksonville too much longer. This was a terrible idea to begin with. At no point in my young, pre-Jaguars, life did I ever think "man, I can't believe Jacksonville doesn't have a football team."

For the Houston Texans, a better name. Houston Texans is a little to close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for me. I know! How about the Oilers? That would be perfect. What? You think someday they'd move the Houston Oilers to Tennessee? No, who would be stupid enough to do that? Why would anyone move a football team to Tennessee? All opinions are valid here, but you have to use some logic.

I'm getting the Indianapolis Colts a whole team of world class, super intelligent doctors. These doctors will be responsible for Bob Sanders, and only Bob Sanders. No more important NFL player is more often injured for big chunks of the season than Bob Sanders, and I think it's why the Colts don't win the Superbowl this year.

The Cincinnati Bengals are getting new uniforms. I could give a lot of teams new uniforms, but I think the Bengals are most in need. The Halloween colors, the ridiculous tiger strips all over the place, the constant mixing and matching of shirt and pants colors, just a total mess. This is really a gift for the whole country.

The Cleveland Browns are an atrocity. I can't remember another instance of a team with so much talent becoming a team with so little talent so quickly. I'm getting them a one-way ticket to somewhere in Canada, they're joining the CFL. I think a fresh start would do them some good, and that leads us right to our next gift...

...I'm moving the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland, because it's the right thing to do. And because people in Baltimore should be rooting for the Redskins, the way god intended.

What do you get the Pittsburgh Steelers? They already have so much great stuff. I think I'm getting them a new coach. Why? Because I think every NFL team should have the chance to be coached by Mike Tomlin for a couple of years, so we've got to get moving on this and get him out of Pittsburgh. This isn't really a gift for the Steelers, you say? Think of it like one of those Christmas movies, where the real gift is learning how to share.

The New York Jets are getting a copy of Madden 10. Why? Living in New York (technically Connecticut, but I choose not to recognize that) I see the Jets every week. The Jets' offense is atrocious. Not so much the turnovers, that happens, it's more about the actual plays for me. I hate almost every offensive play the Jets run. I'm not just talking about the play calling, the plays themselves bother me. It's like the Jets' offense was designed by the same guys who designed the Ford Pinto (take that, 1970's Ford executives!). I think Madden would help them play around with some ideas, maybe some new formations, really get them thinking.

If I'm a fan of any NFL team, it's the New England Patriots. So, I'd like to get them something nice. I'd like to give them back their old name, let's call them the Boston Patriots again. I know plenty of people from other New England states who root for the Sox and the Celtics. I don't hear them bitching about how those teams don't represent all of New England. Also, Boston's super cool, what team wouldn't want to be from Boston? New England's not even a real place, it's just sort of a hypothetical area of states. This would be like calling the Seahawks the Northwest Seahawks. Stupid, right? I started this paragraph as a joke, but now I think I'm serious, somebody should do something about this.


I had a few ideas for the Buffalo Bills. I wanted to get them some nice skin lotion, but I wasn't sure everyone would get my clever reference. Then I thought maybe I'd get them a new NFL rule that says if they get to the Superbowl again, they automatically win, because it just gets depressing after a while. I don't really like tinkering with the rules though. So, I settled on hot wings for everyone, and plenty of blue cheese.

The Miami Dolphins need a way to get Bill Parcells to stay around for a while. You know he's leaving soon, he can't help himself. So I'm going to work on getting them some good dirt on Bill, I think that's the best way. He seems like the kind of guy who does plenty of things he shouldn't do, I just need some pictures.

My gift to the Philadelphia Eagles will be very similar to what I'm getting the Titans. More big signs, the Eagles' signs will say "give the ball to DeSean Jackson!". But, since we're dealing with Andy Reid, I may have to get creative and have them say something like "give the ball to DeSean Jackson and win a free pizza!" Did you see DeSean Jackson destroy the Giants last Sunday? He looked like a division one college star playing against a pee wee football team, it was unreal. Six teams drafted wide receivers before him last year, once again, I suggest immediate firings.

Clearly, the Washington Redskins need a new owner. I'm perfectly willing to step in and do it myself. I bid $300. Going once, going twice...

I'm getting the Dallas Cowboys tickets to Miami for February 7th, because I've got them winning the NFC. I'm not at all that confident in this pick. In fact, I just went through all seven NFC contenders in my head, and I hate all of them. But, Dallas can run the ball, their defense may be peaking at the right time and somebody's going to have to beat the Saints in New Orleans, which the Cowboys just did. (holy crap, did I just pick Norv Turner vs. Wade Phillips in the Superbowl? Yes. I'm also picking hell freezing over this winter and pigs flying later this year)

The New York Giants are getting a lump of coal. I don't know what it is about the Giants, they just annoy me. Maybe I've just seen too much of them in my life. Maybe it's because they don't even play in New York. Maybe it's just how constantly irritating Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan have been since they retired. I don't know, but they get coal, and no playoffs this year.

I'll need to iron out some of the details on this one, but I'm getting the Minnesota Vikings some kind of addiction counselor. Why? Because I fear they're in danger of becoming addicted to Brett Favre. I can see two, maybe three (maybe 12) more summers of him retiring, and then maybe unretiring, but then he doesn't want to come to training camp, but then August is almost over and he misses football. This could go on forever, the Vikes will need help, someone to help them get clean and move on. I wonder if one of those guys from Intervention on A&E would do it.

I think it's obvious what the Green Bay Packers want, they just want some cheese. Eight home games of having to look around at all the fake cheese on peoples' heads has to make you hungry for some real cheese. I'm pretty sure I know someone who used to work in a cheese shop (either that, or I know someone who never worked in a cheese shop, but my brain has decided she did for some reason, I do that sometimes, I'm not sure why) so I can get this done.


The Detroit Lions are another obvious one. I'm getting them a wide receiver in the first round of next year's draft. Obviously, they just didn't give Matt Millen's plan of drafting nothing but receivers enough time to work. And, frankly, they still don't have two good ones.

The Chicago Bears are one of the more difficult teams to shop for. I look at them on paper and think they should be a pretty good team, but every time I see them on the field it's a total disaster. I'll have to invent a gift, not really invent, just modify something else that already exists. I'm getting the Bears a football on a string. Jay Culter can tie it to his wrist so he can't give the ball away anymore. Yes, it's going to be difficult to score this way, but it can't get any worse, so why not give it a shot?

I'd like to give the Tampa Bay Buccaneers some patience. I really like their new coach, he looks like he knows what he's doing. They've been terrible this year and I'm already hearing that he's on the hot seat. I'd like to see him get a couple of more years, I think he may be worth holding onto. If I can't get them patience, how about just a truckload of their old uniforms so they can start wearing them again. Those things were great.

The Carolina Panthers obviously need a quaterback, and I'm here to help. No, they can't have an Elway clone. They need the number one pick. It's too late for this year, so I have to work for next year. What's the best way to get to 0-16 and the number one pick in the 2011 draft. Four words: New coach Rod Marinelli. We can make this happen Carolina, together.

I wish I could get the New Orleans Saints tickets to Miami for the Superbowl, but they just seem to be cracking a little at the wrong time. I hope I'm wrong about this, I'd love to see them bring a championship back to New Orleans. I feel like the Saints may need a new name too. I know, Saints makes good sense for the city, but I'm not really afraid of the Saints. Ohhh, the Saints are coming to get me. See what I mean? How about the New Orleans Swamp Monsters? No. The New Orleans Witch Doctors? Closer. Got it. The New Orleans Voodoo. Done.

The Atlanta Falcons may have been the hardest team to shop for. After a promising season last year, this season has been one disaster after another. Matt Ryan almost murdered my fantasy team all by himself (luckily for me, neither Matt Ryan's toe or Ronnie Brown's annual season ending injury can stop Chris Johnson from carrying me to a championship). Honestly, I just don't care that much about The Falcons. What do you get for the people you don't care about? That's right, I'm sending the Falcons a fruit cake.

Next up, the St. Louis Rams. What do you get for the team that has nothing? I may need a loan for this one, but I think I'm getting them a new stadium. I know they aren't the only dome team, but there's something about the Rams' dome that I especially don't like and while I can't afford a new stadium for every dome team, I'm hoping my generosity will inspire others to buy new stadiums for all the dome teams. That's my campaign slogan when I run for President, "An end to dome football in our lifetime."

I'd like to get the San Francisco 49ers some talent. Mike Singletary is my favorite NFL coach, narrowly beating out Mike Tomlin. When I take over ownership of the Redskins, I'm offering him whatever he wants to come be my new coach. Problem is, his team is terrible. His awesome coaching has them scratching out 6 to 8 wins a year, instead of the 2 they ought to be getting, so they don't get high draft picks and they don't get any better. They're trapped in some sort of crazy loop of great coaching and terrible players, I need to step in and free them.

The Arizona Cardinals play in University of Arizona stadium. That's kind of embarrassing, right? It's not like Arizona's even a great football school. Cardinal stadium would be boring, that's not any better. I need to get them some corporate sponsorship. Something that fits their distinguished history. Something that says perpetual failure. Wait, actually, forget the corporate sponsorship, Arizona Cardinal stadium might be perfect.

I was ready to move the Seattle Seahawks to Canada too, because ideally, we'd like to have an even number of teams after I move the Browns. But Seattle just had the Sonics stolen from them, and I couldn't do it to the good people of Seattle. In fact, I think the Seahawks and their fans deserve something special. I may need some help on this. Can we get them Pearl Jam to play a concert before every home game? How awesome would that be? I could also kidnap the Sonics from Oklahoma and bring them back to Seattle, but then Oklahoma would steal them back again. Eventually, I'd wind up having to destroy the entire state of Oklahoma, I'm not sure I'm up for that.