Movies I Need To See

When I say "I need to see", I don't mean it as in "hey, I need to see that new Star Trek movie". By the way, I saw the new Star Trek movie on DVD recently, solid effort, I'm sure nerds worldwide had some sort of problem with it, but I recommend it. What I mean is, I need to see these movies get made.

Last week, I started a blog entry complaining about how Invictus is the first movie in which Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela (I won't let myself get started on this again, but I mean, really, come on!). My buddy Dave commented that we don't have any good World War 1 movies and suggested a prequel to Saving Private Ryan that explores post-WW1 Germany and the rise of Hitler. This is a great idea, and certainly the story of what could happen with the resulting power vacuum and desperation of a war torn nation is something we would do well to take note of as events continue to unfold in Iraq and Afghanistan. Also, a good movie about the true evil of Adolf Hitler might help us finally stop some people from comparing everyone they don't like to him.

This discussion gave me an idea. Look at all the crappy movies we put up with every year. Did anyone see semi-pro with Will Ferrell? I did, and if you did too, you have my sympathy. Larry the cable guy has made multiple movies. Someone responsible should be punished for that, preferably by having to watch them over and over again until they prove that it's possible to die from stupidity. So here are seven movies that need to get made, like right now, and don't tell me Hollywood has better ideas than I do or there isn't money to make these, because semi-pro, anything involving larry the cable guy and the hundreds of other cinematic turds we've been subjected to over the years completely destroy both of those arguments.

7. I think it's time for a movie about the Monica Lewinsky scandal. I know HBO is doing something like this soon, but from what I've read, the HBO thing seems to be more about Tony Blair's frustration over how distracted Clinton was by the scandal. They're not even getting anyone to play Lewinksy, they're just using archival news footage. What a crock! I remember thinking all sorts of things about this scandal when it was happening, but none of them were "I wonder what the British Prime Minister thinks about this?" I think this needs to happen with Lewinsky as the main character. This would be the TRUE story of some random 22 year old having an affair with the President of the United States. Tell me that doesn't sound interesting. You can't. I rest my case.

6. The Audacity of Hype: The Brett Favre and Tim Tebow Story. This movie would follow the lives of two quarterbacks and their journeys from mere mortals to star football players whose media hype far exceeds anything that anyone could actually do on a football field that exists in reality. One movie, two touching stories, but the real selling point is the twist at the end, when we find out that Tim Tebow is the illegitimate son of Brett Favre and a bayou alligator.

5. I know remakes are sometimes considered sacrilege by movie buffs and fans of the original, and I get that. But I think remakes have some merit. Eventually, even a great movie gets old enough that it just doesn't look and feel right to the new generation. This is when a remake can come in and expose a whole new generation of fans to a great movie. So, I propose that it's time to remake Slap Shot. I know, I know. I can hear every hockey fan who reads this booing me as I write it, but hear me out. Hockey is struggling, we all know that. The NHL needs a game changer, something to get it going again with a influx of new fans. I submit that a Slap Shot remake can do for hockey what Rounders did for poker, maybe even get it on ESPN (imagine that).

4. Isn't it time for a Michael Jordan movie? This guy is the most important athlete since Babe Ruth and one of the most interesting people we've seen in sports in a while. For most big time athletes, you'd say we already know too much about them for a movie to be interesting, but not MJ. The gambling, the trash talking we never got to hear, the random and suspicious adventure into baseball and the subsequent sucking at baseball. I could be wrong about this one, but I just feel like there's a lot of unexplored territory here. You know this movie happens eventually, why do we have to wait until people are dead to make movies about them? Wouldn't this movie be like 10 times better if you paid MJ enough to be involved and tell the whole story about everything?

3. I'd like to see a comedy set entirely in hell. This movie has two dimensions. First, we get to see Norm Macdonald as the devil, wandering around hell and making smart ass remarks while he oversees the ironically hilarious eternal torments of evil people, carried out by his mostly incompetent hell staff. The broader plot would be something like the old Pinky and the Brain cartoons. Every night, satan Norm tries to outsmart god and take over heaven, but his plan is always foiled by his witless sidekick, possibly played by Steven Colbert. Am I really just looking for something to put Norm in? Maybe, but I still think this can work.

2. I like sci-fi movies sometimes, so here's one I think we need to see. The movie takes place on a planet, the people living there aren't humans, but they're humanoid enough so that humans can play them in the movie (always a key to alien movies). Most of the plot would be relatively generic. Aliens come to our little planet and make contact with the inhabitants. At first, the aliens seem nice and say they want to do good things. As the movie goes on, we learn they have sinister motives. But here's the big idea, we don't see the aliens' faces until right near the end of the movie, when we find out that they're humans. It's us doing sinister things and taking over this planet. I especially like this because it has prequel potential if it goes over well. Wouldn't we then need to find out what happened to Earth and why humans are now roaming the galaxy and taking over other planets? We'd want to know that, right? Then you get a sequel with what happens after we take over the planet. This could be a whole franchise.

1. Finally, I need a Guns n Roses movie. First, how many great GnR stories are there? Like how Slash supposedly died one time. Or the story of how Steve Adler is somehow not dead. I feel like this movie could be five hours long and not have a boring moment. Second, and more importantly, if we pay all the guys enough money to play themselves in the movie, we could get a GnR reunion. If I put 200 million dollars into this movie and it made 20 dollars at the box office, it would still be totally worth it for a reunion. I would give my other six great ideas away for free, and this one too, just to have someone do this and get Axl, Slash, Izzy and Duff on a stage together again. Matt Sorum can be the drummer, I don't need Steve Adler for a reunion, I don't even know how he's still standing up on his own.