Pro Wrestling Re-Mix

A month or so ago I watched three hours of professional wrestling, made fun of it and very much angered at least one wrestling fan with whom I went to high school. I decided, pretty soon after that, I would have a second go at pro wrestling. Reason one, maybe I just caught the WWE on a bad night. I've seen bad episodes of my favorite shows, so why not give it another chance. Reason two, there's a whole other wrestling company I'm taking a look at tonight. Reason three, if it's bad again, it makes for good comedy.

Well, I'm told by TV and various facebook posts that tonight is a big night for WWE (the return of Bret Hart, hey, I remember him) and, new kid on the wrestling block, TNA (debut of Hulk Hogan, I'm going to take a guess and say that his skin will look leathery). Add to that the fact that I'm willfully ignoring all crappy and meaningless BCS bowl games (that means all BCS bowl games) and it's about -52 degrees outside, and this is really the perfect night to stay in my apartment and re-visit wrestling.

I'll be starting with TNA, which gets my full attention for an hour. The last two hours I'll be jumping back and forth and we'll see who does a better job of holding my interest. I'm envisioning this as more difficult than when I jumped between cable news channels. You can jump into a cable news show at pretty much any point and already know what they're talking about. Keith Olbermann says Republicans are bad, Glenn Beck says the Communist/Socialist President and his army of marxist zombies are planning to steal your wallet while you sleep. They're also usually talking about roughly the same things. I expect the two wrestling companies to be putting on very different shows that may be hard to follow if I jump in and out. I guess I'm saying, this could be fun or a mess.

Before I start, TNA's lead-in on Spike TV is MMA. As I tuned in, the winner of the last fight was explaining his winning strategy. "Well, I punched him in the face as hard as I could, he didn't seem to like that one bit, so I punched him more until that ref guy made me stop." I may be paraphrasing. Anyway, on to TNA...

TNA has clearly set its hype phasers to kill, opening with a montage about the history of the company followed by the announcers trying to set this up as the most important moment so far. If they deliver, that's a good opening, if not, this could get ugly. The first thing I see is Taz. I'm already pretty pumped, he's doing commentary. I'd be even more excited if he was wrestling, but I think he broke his neck like 7 times or something, so I'll settle for commentary.

The first match seems to be some kind of steel cage battle royal deal. The cage has a roof, but with a hole in the top, and I think the winner has to climb out of the hole. I won't get into all eight guys, but here are a few things I noticed. One of the guys is named suicide, another is called homicide. I feel like we shouldn't let them near each other, it seems like something bad would happen. Also, some other guy is doing a dead on Macho Man impression. They didn't let him talk, but it was visually perfect right down to the music. Also, the TNA ring has six sides. That's 50% more sides than WWE, so there's that.

The cage they're using has noticeably thick red bars, so it's kind of hard to see what's going on inside. Sounds like good stuff though, lots of crashing followed by cheering from the crowd. There's a lot going on here. First, that homicide dude used a weapon, which apparently ended the match in a no contest. I thought there weren't any rules in a cage match? This caused the crowd to loudly chant "this is bullshit" for like two minutes, with Spike bleeping out the "shit" part each time, so we heard about 70% of the show for a little while there.

Then, in comes Jeff Hardy from the crowd. According to the internets, Jeff was last seen in WWE, and a police station near you. Jeff laid out homicide (with a steel chair, that's what I'm talking about!) and then climbed on top of the cage. Maybe I'm just in a better mood tonight, but I feel like that first segment was like a billion times better than anything WWE gave me last time.

They're really hyping Hulk Hogan. First of all, they're showing us pictures of what's supposed to be Hogan's limo, and we're supposed to believe he has a police escort. More importantly, do people really still get excited about seeing Hulk Hogan? Wasn't he constantly on VH1 for like three years?

Hey! Hey! It's Kevin Nash. Nash and Hall were easily my favorite wrestlers in the 90's. I'd ask where Scott is, but I have a feeling I don't want to know. Long-winded interview from Nash that was somehow still entertaining, that's what I remember. He finished by telling us Hogan isn't alone. 50 bucks says it's Eric Bishoff (editing note from later: Bingo!). A well placed women's division match gave us all a nice break to get some food or something.

TNA isn't screwing around tonight, Ric Flair just showed up. I was never a fan of Flair when I was a kid, but the crowd seems pretty psyched. Also, apparently Mick Foley works for TNA. I thought he was another new guy when I saw him, but the computer set me straight on this one. He's trying to get to work, but the bosses don't want him disrupting Hogan's big night. I'm expecting a number of Foley trying to get into the arena bits, and from what I remember about Foley, they could be really funny or totally awful. Good deal.

OK, the crowd does not like this Lashley guy. That seems to be working out pretty well, because his wife just told us Mr. Lashley is leaving TNA, so everyone's a winner. Next up, three of the female wrestlers playing poker, I'd wager all my chips on this turning out to be some kind of strip poker deal. Nailed it! I should write TV. Before they started stripping, they spent a minute or two playing stupid, it was actually pretty funny (the girl with six cards announced she had the A of hearts and the guy with the hat of hearts, I swear it was amusing live). Also, two of these girls appear to be legitimately good looking, which is about 1 and a half more legitimately good looking girls than I saw at WWE.

They appear to be aiming for the Hogan arrival right as 9PM comes and people are tempted to flip over to WWE. If it weren't for the giant red bars blocking the first match, this first hour would be a flawless performance from TNA, I'm really impress...Hey! Hey! Hey Yo! It's Scott Hall! And that little guy I never liked, something-pac, let's just call him Ringo. Apparently they're not letting Scott into the show right now, they'd better not be screwing with me. A minute or two later, we see Hall and Ringo enter through the crowd, I couldn't be more entertained right now (this is where the people who take this too seriously will say that we haven't had any actual wrestling on this show in like 45 minutes, and I'll say I don't care).

Hogan came out to something extremely similar to the old NWO music. On a scale of 1 to 10, my interest level is at about a 13 right now. The Announcer Who Isn't Taz (no way I care enough to find out his name, we'll call him TAWIT for short) says there aren't words for this moment (that didn't stop him and Taz from trying). Hogan talked for a minute and then invited Hall and Ringo into the ring. I'm starting to get the sense these two aren't staying long (I hope I'm right about Ringo and wrong about Hall).

This went on for a while. We started with Hogan, then Hall and Ringo came in (and I'm pretty sure Hall ruined the next surprise, it's nice to have him back). Hall and Hogan didn't seem to be getting along, so Nash came out. Nash didn't seem happy with Hogan either, and then out came Eric Bishoff. Bishoff said everyone has to earn their spot in TNA, which prompted Nash, Hall and Ringo to leave. Hogan and Bishoff talked a little longer about things changing, the segment ended with Sting in the rafters looking uneasy. Finally a commercial followed by another women's match, and I can check in on WWE.

I wandered in just in time to see Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels making up and hugging. Then Hart called out Vince McMahon, who promptly failed to appear. After a commercial, we found out that Vince would call Hart out when he feels like it, later tonight. They have a women's match too, blah, although the first three out are also more attractive than anyone I saw last time.

Back to TNA, they still have the women's match going on. I'll give them this, the TNA women actually seem like they can wrestle a little. Quick flip back to WWE, and it's the Miz. I think the same thing about him I thought last time, really good catch phrase wasted on a really unlikable guy. Meanwhile, TNA has new women's tag champs. They also went back to the card playing girls, who weren't nearly as funny as an hour ago, but were, as promised, less clothed. They were joined by a guy, I know he used to be a WWE guy, I can't remember his name, Val or Cal something. Oh, Val Venus, right. That's a tough spot for ole Val. We spent the first hour seeing all the biggest stars of the 90's arrive one by one, then in hour two we're supposed to get excited about the walking penis joke.

Foley still can't get into the TNA arena, and neither can the Nasty Boyz (don't ask me to describe those two, either you know who they are, or you're better off). Next up for TNA, a tag match featuring Raven, who I've always been a fan of. That match ended immediately. Then we meet the Pope, who refers to himself as "Pope" quite often. Pope gets interrupted by some other guy, I think I'm supposed to know who he is, but I can't place him. Where are the announcers when you need them? Oh, there's Taz. Apparently that guy's name is Orlando Jordan, I still don't know who he is. The Pope gets a 6 out of 10 for mic skills, but his music gets a 10 out of 10.

Back to WWE and Hart is talking to Chris Jericho. I came in on the tail end of Hart insulting Jericho. I miss the funny Jericho, can we bring him back? Somebody start a telethon. Then we get DX. Last time, they were having some kind of leprechaun problem, but now they seem to have made up and they're hanging out with the leprechaun. They have that Santino Marella guy doing a Jericho impression. He was funny last time and he's funny now. Unfortunately, his day ends with a leprechaun attack.

Guys are getting attacked backstage at TNA, it's a real whodunit. I just noticed something funny, TAWIT is wearing a full tuxedo and Taz is wearing a bright orange jacket. That just struck me as hilarious for some reason. Next, we're gonna hear from Jeff Jarrett. Meanwhile, WWE has DX vs. Super Giant Man (they call him Big Show, I say my name is better) and Jericho.

We're in the middle of hearing from the TNA champion, AJ Styles, when Bishoff comes in and tells him he's defending his title tonight. AJ seemed not unhappy about that. I have to hand it to Bishoff, he's good on TV. The crowd is welcoming Jarrett back. Which begs the question, where'd he go? I did some research and found out he left after shacking up with the ex-wife of Kurt Angle (another top TNA wrestler). Except, unlike most wrestling stories, this appears to have actually happened, in real life. I'm starting to feel like I should have been watching this show before tonight. Jarrett talked for a while, but then Hogan told him he has to earn his spot like everyone else. I didn't love that segment, even if Hogan just set the record for most times saying brother in two minutes, but it ended with Foley finally getting in.

Meanwhile, DX beat Super Giant Man and Jericho, and SGM doesn't look too happy about it. Apparently this means Jericho can't come to Raw anymore. Right after, Randy Orton offers to help ole Vince Mcmahon deal with Bret Hart later. How interested was I in this? I went back to TNA before we found out Vince's answer.

Back at TNA, this Samoa Joe guy looks like he gets to the gym about as much as I do. He's wrestling Abyss, who's like a bigger, weirder Mick Foley. Seriously, I always thought the only thing between me and a pro wrestling career is my refusal to get into shape. Samoa Joe has given me hope. And he won the match by using a chair (once again, that's what I'm talking about! Did TNA steal all WWE's chairs?) Also, Lashley's wife wants a meeting with Hogan and more guys got beat up backstage.

Sidenote: This blog is already long enough, but I have to mention this. I'm flipping between Spike TV and USA. One of the channels in the middle is FX, which is currently showing Snakes On A Plane. Next time you have the opportunity, you HAVE to see this movie. It's even better on regular TV with the curses dubbed out. Here's an example of one of my favorite dubbed lines; "I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfighting snakes on this monday to friday plane". It's easily the funniest movie ever, and it's not even close.

Back to WWE, and one of the few bright spots from my last WWE adventure is the now the champion. I'm a big fan of Shamus. Big Irish guy, complete with realistic accent and cool music. And he just completely destroyed some guy. He spent more time staring menacingly at the crowd than he did wrestling. I think that might be all we see of the champ tonight. Oh well. On the other hand, I haven't seen that Cena guy at all, which is perfectly fine with me. Win some, lose some.

Two straight things from TNA I feel like we didn't need. First, Jeff Hardy leaving the arena and giving a painting to some teenage girls. (Huh?) Then, the Nasty Boyz wrecking team 3D's (formerly the Dudley Boys) locker room (Why? It's like they're trying to start a rivalry, but there's no way those two guys are in any kind of wrestling shape). Time for the TNA main event, Styles v. Angle.

Like last time, I haven't commented too much on the actual wrestling, because I don't know that much about it. But I'll say two things about this TNA main event. First, about three minutes in some masked guy randomly attacked the champ. I assume they're going somewhere with that. Second, I have to say the wrestling from TNA is pretty solid, much faster and less plodding than the WWE matches. And really, that's a pretty good description of the difference between the two shows as a whole. There's just a lot more going on with TNA. After Styles won, they finished with Foley confronting Bishoff, then getting his ass kicked by Nash, Hall and Ringo. Hogan comes in at the end and the audience is left wondering if Hogan really has a handle on Bishoff and the old NWO guys. Well done all around.

The WWE main event is the Vince McMahon/Bret Hart conversation. Next week's Raw guest host is Mike Tyson. Here's a question I thought I'd never have an answer to. What would have to happen to make me not interested in seeing Mike Tyson on live TV for two hours? Anyway, Vince and Bret talk for a while. Vince is thanking Bret and saying nice stuff, presumably something bad is about to happen. And there you go, Vince gives Bret the ole groin kick. We finish with a shot of Bret looking angry, but frankly, not as angry as I'd look if I just got kicked in the groin.

Let's do some final grades. WWE gets a C-. They get points for the Irish champ and creative use of a leprechaun, but what I saw of the show wasn't any better than last time. Granted, I didn't see a ton of WWE tonight, but that's because TNA was much better at holding my interest. TNA gets an easy A-. Three solid hours of TV. Even the crowd was better. You can say it isn't a fair comparison, huge night for TNA, regular Monday for WWE. I'll grant you that. But still, I saw two shows tonight, and they weren't in the same league, not even close.