Your Vote

Your vote belongs to you.  If you know a strong Trump or Hillary supporter (why either of those things would exist is beyond me, but whatever), they will most likely tell you that you have to vote for their candidate, and any vote that isn't for their candidate is actually for the other person who is terrible, no matter who the vote is actually for.  This is a lie, and an insidious one.  The two major parties don't own your vote.  You own your vote. 

Your job is to use your vote responsibly, but you get to decide what that means.  If I lived in a state where the Presidential election was going to be close, I would suck it up and vote for Hillary.  I wouldn't like it, but I would do it.  That's how I would use my vote.  That doesn't mean that's how you have to use it.  And if you decide to use it differently and Trump somehow wins, that is not your fault.  Ironically, Trump is the fault of the two parties.

Yes, Republican primary voters nominated a future war criminal, and they should be ashamed of themselves.  Unfortunately, Trump voters can't read, so they will never know they should be ashamed unless one of you reads this to them.  And yes, the Republican party spent years cynically creating an environment out of which someone like Trump could crawl, and they should be ashamed too.  Plenty of shame to go around.

The Democrats don't get a pass though.  They had roughly six years to find us a proper successor to Barack Obama.  Did they spend those years introducing us to promising young Democrats we could get excited about?  They did not.  They spent six years clearing the board for Hillary.  The Sanders campaign wasn't some amazing story about the power of the people, it was an indictment of Democratic politics.  The guy who finished second in the Democratic primary race wasn't even a Democrat.  That's not a good thing.  If the Democrats had bothered to attempt nominating anyone other than the least likable person in history, that hypothetical other person (cough cough, Cory Booker, cough cough) would be up by 20 points right now and we wouldn't even have to worry about the great fascist pumpkin.

8:51PM: Brett Baier just told me Trump had chicken for dinner.  I decided to watch on Fox tonight since Chris Wallace is moderating and I'm already kind of regretting it.

8:55PM: I wouldn't blame you if you just watched the Cubs game tonight.

9:00PM: Tonight's debate is in Vegas, which seems like home turf for Trump.  It seems like a pretty good city for groping strangers.

9:03PM: Apparently Trump invited some "controversial guests" again.  What a fucking child he is.  I have to admit that I'm not in the mood for his shit today.

9:05PM: Hillary Clinton is dressed like a storm trooper without the helmet.  Trump's suits never look like they fit right.  Don't rich guys have tailors?

9:06PM: Hillary wants a Supreme Court that will stand up for rights and say no to Citizens United.  She also wants them to stand up to the powerful, which is a worthy, if slightly ironic, aspiration.

9:08PM: Trump started his Supreme Court answer whining about how Ruth Bader Ginsburg insulted him and bragging about how she had to apologize.  Then he said the court needs to protect the 2nd amendment, and the other ones too, whatever they are.

9:10PM: Hillary says she supports the 2nd amendment because she lived in Arkansas and upstate New York.  By that logic she would also support meth and sadness.  I would vote for literally anyone who was willing to say that it's not the 18th century anymore and maybe we don't all need to be armed all the time.

9:13PM: Hillary just accused Trump of being a tool of the gun lobby, which he is.  Trump responded by saying Chicago has terrible gun violence, because anytime Republicans get stuck in their own circular gun logic they escape to Chicago.

9:15PM: Wallace asked Trump if he wants to see the court overturn Roe v Wade.  He refused to actually say he wanted that.  He just said that it would happen automatically because of the justices he would appoint.  That was odd.

9:17PM: Trump appears to have no idea that he's on camera even when he's not talking.  He may not even be aware that the world continues to exist when he's not talking.

9:19PM: Trump is describing late term abortions the way a 4 year old would describe how babies are made.  I never wanted to hear Donald Trump say the word womb, but there it was.

9:19PM: Hillary is making a very simple "the government shouldn't step in the middle of personal decisions" argument about abortion and I think she's doing a great job.  I always think it's weird that the conservatives wound up being the party that thinks the government should make medical decisions for people.

9:21PM: alkdjshfalsdhahjaghafg!!!!!!!!!!! Why are we talking about immigration again?  Apparently Mexicans are bringing heroin to New Hampshire.  Then Trump mentioned the wall.  He hadn't mentioned that in the first two debates.  I was afraid he forgot about it.

9:24PM: Apparently Hillary also supported some version of a boarder wall at some point.  Trump, because he's Trump, is just using this as an example of how he's right and super smart when he should be actually be using it as an example of how she's a panderer with no actual convictions.

9:27PM: Trump says President Obama has deported millions and millions of people.  I don't know if he means that as an insult or a compliment.

9:29PM: Wallace asked Hillary about the wikileaks thing where she talked about open boarders.  She quickly pivoted to how wikileaks is an example of Russian espionage and Donald should renounce Putin and Russia's help immediately.  Trump's response to that somehow got us to radical islamic terrorism.  It's like free form debate jazz.

9:31PM: Clinton just accused Trump of being willing to be a puppet for Putin if he's elected.  Trump responded by saying, repeatedly, "you're the puppet, you're the puppet".  This is rock bottom, right?

9:33PM: Trump refuses to believe that Russia is involved in any hacking, and even though Putin isn't his best friend, he knows Putin has outsmarted the Obama administration and Hillary over and over again.  He's a big Putin fan.

9:35PM: Trump just said "I have 200 generals and admirals, 21 endorsing me".  Wait, what are the other 179 doing?  What does he mean he has them?

9:36PM: Chris Wallace is openly mocking his own inability to control this circus.  I always liked Chris.

9:39PM: Three debates is too many.  They're talking about the economy now and it's like groundhog day, except this time Hillary didn't say trumped up trickle down, which was a good decision.  Trickle down economics is silly enough, you don't need to try to make it sound worse.

9:43PM: Ya know, I've been the first person to say it's not fair for Trump to try to hold Hillary accountable for her husband.  They aren't the same person.  But if she's going to stand there and try to take credit for her husband's handling of the national debt then I guess Bill's fair game.

9:44PM: Every time Trump likes something Wallace says, Trump chimes in to let Wallace know he approves.  Wallace seems genuinely amused.

9:46PM: Trump says India and China (GYNA) are growing faster than us.  Then Hillary accused him of giving jobs to Chinese steel workers instead of American steel workers.  Ouch.

9:49PM: Trump is mouthing words and rolling his eyes while Hillary is comparing their histories.  When he finally got to talk, he said we should run the country like he runs his company.  How many times can a country go bankrupt?

9:52PM: Why would so many different women make up claims about Trump groping them?  Trump has decided that the Clinton campaign put them up to it.  Apparently, the Clinton campaign and Obama are also paying people to start fights at Trump rallies.

9:52PM: And why would these women agree to do this for the Clinton campaign?  For their 10 minutes of fame.  Because every little girl dreams of one day being famous for being groped by Donald Trump.

9:56PM: Trump always says that nobody has more respect for women than he does.  Really?  Nobody?  Not one person in the whole world?  That seems unlikely.  Don't you think we could find even one person, male or female, who wouldn't even joke on a bus about groping women?

9:57PM: Trump really wants you to believe that the Clinton campaign created all these stories about him groping women.  I wonder if he has some of that evidence stuff.

9:59PM: Everything that anyone has ever accused Trump of doing is false, OK?  Is everyone clear on that?

10:00PM: Hillary says she is thrilled to talk about the Clinton Foundation.  I feel like she shouldn't be.  She went on for a little bit about the good things the foundation does and Wallace quickly interrupted her and let Trump talk.  Trump thinks the Clinton Foundation shouldn't take money from countries that push homosexuals off buildings.  If they actually do that in Saudi Arabia, I actually agree with him.  Saudi Arabia is the worst.  If I actually believed Trump really believed what he just said, or even just knew what he was talking about, I'd say points for him.

10:04PM: Did Trump's charity pay for some of his law suits?  Apparently no, they just put up the American flag.  Hillary used the charity discussion to sneak in a jab about tax returns.  Now that Trump has openly talked about committing sexual assault, the whole tax thing seems like not such a big deal.

10:07PM: Wallace asked Trump if he'll accept the election results.  He wouldn't say yes.  He said he'll have to look at it at the time and he doubled down on saying the election is rigged.  Even just letting Hillary run is, apparently, part of the rigging.

10:09PM: Hillary called Trump's answer horrifying, which it definitely is.  Then she ran down a full list of things Trump lost at and immediately claimed were rigged, including when his reality show didn't get an Emmy.  Trump responded by saying he definitely should have gotten that Emmy.

10:11PM: How do we make sure ISIS isn't just replaced by something worse?  That's a pretty good question considering our track record would suggest that it absolutely will be.  Hillary, like most politicians, appears to be in favor of defeating ISIS without sending any troops or doing anything.  I'm not in favor of sending troops, I'm just saying you can't wish ISIS away so we're going to need a better plan than defeating them without any troops.

10:14PM: Trump is all about the element of surprise in war.  Everything would be a sneak attack with Trump.  For the record, when Barack Obama blows up your compound with a drone, I bet that's pretty surprising.

10:16PM: Trump still insists he was against the war in Iraq.  That's just plainly factually inaccurate.  I sometimes wonder if Trump is one of those time travelers who changed the past and now he remembers a different past than the rest of us.

10:18PM: Chris Wallace is openly laughing at this debate that he is moderating.

10:19PM: Chris tried to ask a question about a few of the things Trump lied about in the last debate.  Trump wouldn't even let him finish the question, denied lying about anything, and then went back to blaming Clinton for everything.

10:21PM: Last time the cash we gave Iran could have filled the whole room.  This time the pile of cash was just as big as the stage.  What happened?  Are we just using larger bills?

I'm going to stop here because I just don't care anymore.  I can't imagine being an undecided voter and actually trying to use this debate to make a decision.  This entire election has been a fucking embarrassment.  I started this by saying you should vote for a third party candidate if you want to, but maybe you should just vote for Trump.  Maybe he's the nightmare this country deserves.  I'm going to go watch the Cubs win the world series, and then after that happens Trump can unmake the world.  And when that happens, it'll be our own damn fault.  See you on election night.

Madness

Before we get started, I was 100% wrong about the Vice Presidential debate.  I thought Tim Kaine won.  I didn't think he was great, but I thought he clearly won.  Not one person on TV agreed with me.  Even though Mike Pence spent 90 straight minutes lying, he was super chill about it, and I guess that's all it takes.  So at the end of this, I'm going to tell you who I thought won, and I'm going to be wrong.

Anyway, remember last time when I told you this election was surreal?  Well, I spent most of the day Friday away from TV and not really getting any information.  I got home and there was baseball on and I didn't really get around to watching any news until after midnight.  When I got there, it was absolute madness.  MSNBC and CNN were doing live coverage, after midnight on a Friday, of Donald Trump on tape saying things that weren't even a little bit surprising.  This is a man who bought the Miss Universe pageant and then immediately started fat shaming one of the winners, because even Miss Universe isn't enough of a 10 for Donald Trump.  We can't act surprised when we find out that Donald Trump has no respect for women.  We already knew that, and I'm not sure MSNBC and CNN needed to do hours, literally hours, of after midnight coverage to drive the point home.  Chris Matthews was there.  Does Chris Matthews look to you like a guy who is generally up after midnight?

Having said that, the tape was jarring and upsettingly vulgar.  Listening to a major party Presidential candidate talking about popping some tictacs and sexually assaulting women, even when it isn't surprising, is genuinely unsettling.  It was unclear if he was talking about actual sexual assaults he had committed, or just joking about hypothetical sexual assaults he might commit, but neither of those options seems OK, right?  While I thought CNN and MSNBC went a little overboard, it was definitely a story.  Which is why I was both amused and disgusted to see that Fox News was making no mention of it.  Like, at all.  They were covering a hurricane, and literally nothing else.  There wasn't even anything on the crawl at the bottom of Fox's screen about it.  There has to be someone who can force them to remove the word news from their programming.  Come on, Obama!  Do something useful!

Republicans spent the last two days begging the Trump campaign to just apologize and not make things worse.  Trump responded by holding a quick press conference a little while ago with some women who had accused Bill Clinton of assaulting or harassing them.  Again, we shouldn't be surprised that a man who has no respect for women, and doesn't even really see them as people, would think it makes sense to blame a woman for her husband's philandering, but surprising or not, it is also still pretty unsettling.  

Remember that time when we were kids and we watched the Challenger explode on live TV?  This election has been like that, except it's gone on for a year and a half.  It's been like watching the Challenger explode on live TV for a year and a half.  I hate it.  Everyone hates it.  And we damn well should.  So, let's have a debate.  Yay.

8:53PM: I just flipped over to MSNBC to hear Brian Williams struggling to explain why Bill Clinton sexual assault/harassment accusers were sitting there in attendance at the debate.  Then Rachel Maddow showed us a clip of Trump from 1999 saying that it was a shame that Hillary had to put up with all of the Bill Clinton sex scandal stuff in public.  He went on to call her a "wonderful woman".  Sigh.

8:56PM: Hey, it looks like Anderson Cooper is moderating tonight!  Hey Coop!

8:57PM: There's also a woman named Martha.  Her jacket has at least one too many zippers.  As always, Coop is impeccably dressed.

8:59PM: Chris Matthews is predicting that Trump will point to Bill Clinton, and then to some of the women Trump invited, and say "you raped her, you groped her".  I predict that he will then fail to explain what that has to do with whether or not he or Hillary would make a good President, and somehow nobody will ask him.

9:02PM: I have to at least ask why the Bill Clinton accusers would agree to show up for this.  How could this possibly be a good thing for them?  Is Trump paying them?  

9:04PM: Have I mentioned that I hate town halls?  The people asking questions tonight are undecided voters.  They represent the most clueless people you could possibly find.  Why do they get to play?

9:05PM: Then candidates did not shake hands.  Off to a fantastic start.

9:07PM: Some lady asked them if they thought they were setting a good example for kids.  I wouldn't say either of them really answered.  I guess, if you get to ask the first question at a town hall, the upside is you get to go first, but the downside is whatever you ask, the answer is just going to be whatever opening statement the candidates prepared.

9:10PM: Coop, who is awesome, just told Trump that what was on the tape from Friday was Trump admitting to sexual assault, and he simply asked Trump if he understood that.  Trump responded by saying it was just locker room talk and he's going to knock the hell out of ISIS.  

9:12PM: Coop kept pushing, and he asked Trump is he has ever actually kissed or groped women without consent.  It took Trump quite a while, but he eventually said that he has not.  Coop actually made Trump answer the question.  Only Coop should be allowed to moderate debates.  

9:13PM: Hillary calmly laid out the case for why what we heard on the tape represents who Trump is with regard to how he sees women and made a broader point about Trump being unfit.  I've said this before.  I really like serious, calm, I don't care if you like me Hillary.  If she would just be that person all the time, I would be very happy to vote for her.

9:16PM: Trump asked if he could respond to what Hillary said about him, and Martha gave him some time, but he just sort of rambled about Hillary's Senate campaign and eventually Martha cut him off, and he complained about it being unfair.  

9:17PM: It took Trump roughly 10 minutes to get into how Bill Clinton was abusive to women and Hillary attacked those women viciously.  He also brought up a time when Hillary did the defense for a 41 year old who was accused of raping a 12 year old in Arkansas in the 70s.  I don't know much about that case, but I know that everyone is entitled to a defense, and sometimes young lawyers get stuck providing that defense.  It's a shitty but incredibly necessary job and only a guy like Trump would criticize someone for doing it.

9:21PM: Hillary gave a very good, calm response and ended up with saying Trump owes apologies to lots of people.  Trump's response was basically, I know you are but what am I?  Then he said Hillary didn't beat Bernie Sanders fair and square, and he can't believe Bernie made a deal with the devil and supported her.  Then he promised to have a special prosecutor investigate Hillary if he wins.  Just to be clear, he's openly threatening his opponent with political retribution should he win.  That's a thing that just happened.

9:24PM: Hillary seems maybe 3% rattled right now.  Trump is looking to get her over 50%.  I don't think he's going to get there.  She mostly seems amused by his desperation.

9:25PM: Hillary very simply stated that it's a good thing that someone with Trump's temperament isn't in charge of the law in this country.  Trump responded by saying that if he was she'd be in jail, because Trump has literally no idea how the justice system works.  The yahoos in the audience who support Trump went nuts for his witty one liner.

9:29PM: Trump wants to know why Coop isn't bringing up the emails that we just talked about for ten minutes, and then accused this of being a 1 on 3 debate.  

9:30PM: Health care question.  Oh boy.  Here's the quick answer Democrats should give whenever someone bitches about the Affordable Care Act.  If you already had insurance, the Affordable Care Act wasn't for you.  Not everything is about you, you selfish fuck.  The Affordable Care Act was for the 20 million people who didn't have health care before and do now.  Please go fuck yourself.  Hillary didn't say that.

9:32PM: Trump says Obamacare is a disaster, and it will never work because it is far too expensive health care.  Trump just wants to replace it with something better and much less expensive.  That's such a good idea, why haven't we done that already?  Oh right, because Trump's idea is a hypothetical idea that nobody actually has.

9:34PM: To be fair, Trump got through two minutes on heatlh care without calling Bill Clinton a rapist, so I guess that was a win for him.

9:35PM: Hey, Hillary just kind of gave my go fuck yourself health care answer.  I'm like this close to definitely voting for her right now.  Seriously.

9:36PM: Coop, because, again, he's awesome, is pushing Trump on what his actual plan is.  Like most Republicans, Trump's only idea is to break down the imaginary lines between states to create competition.  This is a dumb idea.  Most people don't go out shopping for health care in a free market.  They just get a job and then someone hands you an envelope telling you what health insurance you have.  The free market doesn't work for everything.

9:38PM: How will Trump work to prevent Muslims from all being lumped in with terrorists.  Apparently, he'll do that by suggesting that all Muslims are partially to blame for terrorism because they all know about it and don't report it.  I don't think that's the right answer.

9:39PM: Trump also said you have to be willing to talk about Islamic terrorism and call it by the right name before you can fight it.  That's not even 1% true.  I don't understand how stupid you have to be to not get that Obama doesn't want to give them the holy war they're so eager for.  Apparently, you have to be at least as stupid as Donald Trump.

9:42PM: Trump said, again, that he was against the Iraq war, which is demonstrably false.  You can ask Sean Hannity if you want, but it's still false.

9:43PM: Martha is trying to get Trump to tell us if he still supports the Muslim ban he proposed a while ago.  He just keeps saying "extreme vetting".  When pushed, he says it slower.  You guys, are we sure we don't want to vote for Trump?  A Trump Presidency would be so entertaining.  He literally mansplains policy points to female reporters when they point out that he isn't making any sense.  

9:45PM: OK, we can't really vote for Trump because it's too dangerous, but can we at least have a sitcom based on a hypothetical Trump Presidency.  Please??  Can't someone please work on that?  Aren't there any funny people who aren't too busy right now?  Rob Lowe had two different shows cancelled at the end of last season.  He could play a hypothetical President Trump. Come on, we can do this.

9:47PM: While I was fantasizing about a President Trump sitcom, Trump was rambling about refugees.  I guess some of them are murderers and Trump would just force them right back into their countries.  What percentage of people from other countries does Trump think are murderers?  Like 80%?

9:49PM: Martha asked Hillary about the Wikileaks thing with her speeches and how she said you have to have a public and a private position.  She basically said she was talking about Lincoln and how you have to manipulate Congress sometimes.  If she had added "because most of Congress is morons", the race for my vote between Hillary and third party candidates would be over.  She didn't though.  Instead, she somehow pivoted to Trump's tax returns.  

9:51PM: Trump literally just said "I know nothing about Russia".  I honestly don't even know what to do with that.

9:52PM: Trump is sniffling a lot again.  He's also unraveling as the debate goes on, a lot like last time.  My best guess is that he snorts Valium before the debates.  It causes him to get the sniffles and wears off as the debate goes on.  Do you have a better theory?

9:54PM: Trump, in an admirable effort to try to talk about policy for a minute, said Hillary is going to raise your taxes and he wants to lower them bigly, or maybe he's saying big league.  He needs to learn more words.  

9:56PM: Hillary says what he said about taxes is not true.  Trump is now randomly wandering the stage while Hillary is talking.  

9:58PM: It sounds like Trump just admitted to not paying personal income taxes.  I guess we don't really need his tax returns anymore.  Trump says Hillary knows people who don't pay taxes either.  They're not running for President though.

10:00PM: Somehow the tax question turned into Trump talking about how Hillary and Obama created ISIS.  I wonder if Trump honestly just hears and sees different things than the rest of us.  Is he Neo?

10:00PM: Now they're arguing about carried interest.  Trump says he wants to get rid of it and Hillary says she's against it too.  Trump, because he doesn't understand how government works, is asking why Hillary didn't just get rid of it when she was a Senator.  Hillary is trying to explain how government works, but if Trump's campaign people can't do it, I don't like her chances.

10:02PM: Why don't these debates have any commercials?  Can you imagine how much GEICO would pay to show us a 30 second gecko commercial right now?  You could fund Trump's whole imaginary health care plan.

10:03PM: The question is, with the State department calling for a war crimes investigation into Syria and Russia for recent events in Aleppo, hasn't the US waited too long to help in Syria?  Coop and Martha are both actual journalists.  How did they get this gig?  I know some social media person actually wrote the question, but Martha picked it instead of some question about how their faith informs their beliefs or whatever.

10:06PM: Trump said we're all tired, exhausted about nuclear.  I have no idea what he was getting at, but if he's already feeling tired and exhausted discussing nuclear weapons, maybe being President isn't really the job for him.

10:08PM: Martha asked Trump about Mike Pence's position on the humanitarian crisis in Syria.  Trump said he and Pence haven't spoken and he disagrees with what Pence said.  Then Trump asked why we can't just sneak attack ISIS leaders.  Martha is now openly arguing with him about his total lack of understanding of military strategy.  Martha is going to get some criticism later for this exchange, but I love it.  She's honestly exasperated but Trump's complete inability to understand or articulate military strategy.  It's like watching a college history professor argue with a 2nd grader.  He's wrong, but way too dumb to know it, and it's killing her a little bit.

10:13PM: Hillary is having a little trouble explaining what she would do differently than Obama, but then she got to arming the Kurds.  Can we please have a plan in the middle east that doesn't involve arming some new random group of people who we don't fully understand?

10:14PM: Trump says he will be a President for all of our people, and he will give people strength.  Now we're talking about trade.  I think it's a shame that nobody in this election defends free trade.  It's a complicated issue, and I'm not saying I'm for free trade, but both sides of the trade debate have valid arguments and I wish we were smart enough to have an election that involved that discussion.

10:17PM: Hillary is talking about her record of public service and work on behalf of underrepresented people.  Hey lady, Trump builds golf courses all over the place that can benefit any CEO, or even most CFOs.  Everybody makes the world better in their own way.

10:20PM: Trump says we have a divided nation like a guy who walks into your living room and takes a dump on your carpet and then says "Hey, what's with all the shit on the carpet?".  That's a joke but now it kind of sounds like something he's probably done.

10:22PM: Question to Trump about his 3AM tweets encouraging people to check out Miss Universe's sex tape.  Apparently that never happened and also Benghazi.  Is there any doubt that Roger Ailes did all of Trump's debate prep this time?

10:24PM: Hillary would appoint justices who have real life experience and haven't just worked in big law firms.  Trump is looking for judges very much in the mold of Justice Scalia, because I didn't already hate him enough.

10:27PM: Trump says the 2nd amendment is totally under siege.  This country is full of idiots with guns.  How much more guns can we possibly have?  This country has more guns than people.  Hillary says she respects the 2nd amendment too.  I don't, for the record.

10:29PM: Some guy with a mustache and a sweater asked about energy policy.  Trump says Hillary wants to put all the miners out of business, and there is a thing called clean coal.  Actually, there really isn't, clean coal is mostly nonsense.  And yes, coal miners are going to have to get new jobs soon, just like bank tellers and those ladies from 50s movies who used to connect phone calls for people. Life moves on sometimes, and it sucks, but that's the way it is.

10:34PM: Some guy just asked if they can name one thing they respect about the other person.  Hillary said she respects Trump's children.  Either she prepared for that question or that was pretty good thinking on her feet.  Something to respect about Donald Trump.  I couldn't have answered that question on the spot. 

10:36PM: I literally can't wait for Trump to answer this question.  I'm just imagining all the things he could say.  I'm so excited.  Trump kind of let me down.  He actually gave her a compliment.  He said she fights hard and doesn't quit or give up.  That could have gone so much better, or worse depending on how you look at it.

I guess that's it.  I think Martha and Coop were the clear winners here.  They were just fantastic.  Between the two candidates, I'd say Hillary won pretty easily because Trump was in full tantrum mode for most of the night.  That probably means the TV people will say Trump won.  See you next time, assuming the third debate happens, which seems pretty up in the air right now.

Pointless

Nothing could be more pointless than this Vice Presidential debate.  Vice Presidents are pointless in general, but this specific election renders them especially futile.  Hillary Clinton has been running for President since she was 5.  Even dead Hillary Clinton wouldn't give up the Presidency.  Tim Kaine has a better chance of being named President of Jupiter than he does of taking over for Hillary Clinton at any point.

The Trump situation seems different at first glance.  I've speculated over the last year that Trump is the kind of guy who would be President for a few months, get bored and frustrated with it and decide he's leaving because Miss Universe isn't going to fat shame herself.  And nothing we've seen from Trump would suggest that he isn't a giant child who is perfectly capable of that kind of move, but I don't know.  First, it's hard to imagine Trump giving up that kind of power.  Second, even if he left after a few months, that's plenty of time for him.  I doubt there would be a government left for Mike Pence to lead by then anyway.

This is a giant waste of everyone's time.  Unfortunately, I've developed a little bit of OCD about blogging debates, so we're going to watch these two jars of mayonnaise argue over which one of them is more tangy.  Or less tangy?  I'm not really sure which one of those is better in this context.

9:02PM: Shep Smith just told me that Donald Trump will be live tweeting throughout the debate.  This election is genuinely surreal.

9:04PM: The moderator tonight is someone from CBS who I have literally never heard of.  Her name is Elaine.  She seems nice.

9:05PM: They're doing the set up where they sit at a desk together with the moderator.  I would love to see Trump attempt this set up.  I feel like he couldn't stay seated for 90 minutes.

9:06PM: Tim Kaine looks and sounds like one of the adults from Sesame Street.  Also, apparently Tim was a missionary at some point, so I'm already not a big fan.

9:08PM: Pence started out by thanking Norwood University for their wonderful hospitality.  Unfortunately, he's at Longwood University.  Not a good start big guy.

9:09PM: Pence started out with the aw shucks I never thought I'd be here routine.  Believe me Mike, lots of people never thought they'd be one month away from Vice President Pence.

9:11PM: Elaine asked Tim why people don't trust Hillary.  Tim responded by explaining why he does trust her, and then trashed Trump for a little bit and threw some shade at Pence for defending Trump.  Tim came out swinging in the most polite way possible.

9:12PM: Elaine asked Pence why people think Trump is such a risky choice.  Mike responded by trashing Hillary for a minute.  Can they not hear Elaine's questions?  What's happening?

9:14PM: Kaine keeps interrupting Pence.  It's like he someone told him to watch last week's debate and then go be as Trumpy as possible.  It's weird, but it may be working.  Mike seems legitimately uncomfortable.

9:17PM: Pence just said he cut unemployment in half in Indiana while Kaine doubled unemployment in Virginia.  It's worth pointing out that Pence became Governor in 2012, in the middle of a recovery, while Kaine was Governor between 2006 and 2010.  You might remember the little economic oopsie we had in 2008.  It's why none of you can ever retire, ever.

9:20PM: Mike is shaking his head sarcastically as Tim accuses him of single-handedly holding off a minimum wage increase in Indiana.  That seems pretty true, so I'm curious to hear what Mike has to say about it.  He said nothing, I guess the head shake was plenty.

9:22PM: Pence just accused Barack Obama of running the economy into a ditch.  Kaine pointed out that Pence's accusation was factually inaccurate.  Pence responded by saying that you can roll out all the numbers you want but people in Scranton know the real story.  Pence is notoriously immune to facts.

9:24PM: Now they're arguing about Trump's taxes.  I have to say I don't care about this issue.  Trump can pay taxes or not pay taxes.  I'm just not really that interested in it.  If he released his tax returns and everything was in good order, would that somehow make him an acceptable candidate?

9:28PM: This is a strange debate.  Pence won't acknowledge facts or his own voting record.

9:30PM: On to cops and guns and stuff.  Kaine wants to focus on community policing, mental health and gun violence.  Tim doesn't want to frisk you.

9:31PM: Pence's uncle was a cop.  He says "police officers are the best of us".  Like, all of them?  100% of them?  That seems overly simplistic.  He went on the say we shouldn't use a broad brush to describe law enforcement.  It's like Mike can't hear himself talk.

9:34PM: Mike's opinions about police shootings are almost too stupid to summarize.  He's using one example of when a black cop shot a black guy to make the argument that police shootings aren't related to any inherent bias in our system.  I can't believe this guy ran a state.

9:38PM: Kaine did a really nice job of summing up this whole section by saying that having a racist in the White House probably won't help the whole racial divide situation.  Pence had no response.

9:39PM: Pence just accused immigrants of driving wages down.  Pence keeps wages down, we just covered that like 15 minutes ago.

9:40PM: Pence just criticized Clinton's basket of deplorables comment.  I wish Kaine would just say she was right and Pence should be ashamed of his campaign.  Tim did not say that.

9:42PM: They're arguing pretty incoherently about immigration now.  All you really need to know about this is, both parties believe immigration is a winning issue for them, and in some ways they're both right.  As such, neither party actually wants to solve the issue.  And they won't.

9:47PM: Kaine said Donald Trump can't start a twitter war with Miss Universe without shooting himself in the foot.  Solid line from Tim, I'm sure it went over really well in practice.  Tim is being really aggressive, you just can't tell because of his face.

9:49PM: Pence says America is less safe today than it was when Barack Obama took office.  Then he talked about 9/11.  I don't know why we keep letting Republicans bring up 9/11 as if some guy they never met was President then.  Why is ISIS 100% Hillary and Obama's fault but 9/11 was just a thing that happened?

9:51PM: How is Mike Pence going to stop home grown terror?  He's going to keep immigrants out.  I'm not sure Mike understands what home grown means.  Elaine was nice enough to point that out for me.

9:53PM: Somehow we're arguing about immigration again, and also Syrian refugees.  I thought Pence was a big Jesus guy.  I'm not an expert on what Jesus would say about refugees, but I don't think it would be "fuck 'em".

9:55PM: Tim is saying alliances and sharing intelligence are really important for fighting terror, and Trump's not really the guy for that.  Pence is pretending Trump never said NATO is obsolete.  He did though.

9:56PM: Elaine is trying to ask them about Syria but now they're arguing about Hillary's emails.  Elaine has zero patience for these guys and I'm a big fan.

9:58PM: Pence just called Putin a small and bullying leader.  Trump's not going to like that.  Then he said we need to rebuild our military, which is absolute nonsense.

9:59PM: Honestly, Pence is so much worse than Trump.  He's coherently lying and distorting reality.  Unlike Trump, you feel like he actually knows better and it's so frustrating.

10:02PM: Kaine was going on for a while about how Trump wasn't supporting troops and first responders on 9/11 if he wasn't paying taxes.  Elaine keeps reminding them that she asked about Syria.

10:04PM: Pence said "we just need American strength".  That really couldn't be a better summary of Republican foreign policy.  We don't need plans or allies or all that smarty pants bullshit, just strength.

10:05PM: Tim just suggested that Trump is a "fool or maniac".  Pence said that's below even Tim and Hillary.  Has Mike met his running mate?  Because that seems pretty accurate.

10:07PM: Kaine pointed out that every time he asks Mike to defend Trump's positions and statements, Mike passes on the opportunity.  Mike says he's happy to defend Trump.  He didn't, and hasn't yet, but he swears it's coming.  Editorial note from later...it never did.

10:11PM: It's telling that Mike thinks Tim is insulting him when Tim simply repeats things that Trump has said.  "How dare you bring up things I've said" would be an excellent Trump campaign slogan.

10:14PM: Hillary's love of canned zingers has rubbed off on Tim and it's not enjoyable.  Mike is wisely pointing them out and trying to get Tim off his game.

10:17PM: How would Mike Pence deal with North Korea's nuclear weapons program?  He'd criticize Barack Obama and then start talking about the Clinton Foundation.  Take that Kim Jong Whatever!

10:20PM: Kaine just compared Trump's organization to an octopus.  Wrong Timmy!  Octopuses are smart.

10:21PM: We should let Elaine kick both of these guys in the balls at the end of the debate.

10:21PM: Would Tim Kaine take preemptive action if intelligence said North Korea was launching a nuclear weapon?  Shit just got real.  Tim said yes, though he seemed unclear on what kind of preemptive action he'd take.

10:23PM: It's time to talk about social issues, which means it's time for me to remember why I hate Mike Pence so much.

10:24PM: Tim says he doesn't believe the doctrines of any one religion should be mandated for everyone.  It's sad that he actually has to say that out loud, and sadder that Mike will pretend to agree even though he clearly doesn't.

10:26PM: OK my bad.  Mike actually made no effort to pretend he doesn't think his religious beliefs should be imposed on everyone.  Honestly points for Mike, I guess?

10:29PM: Tim Kaine makes an excellent case for pro-life policies.  It was short and rational and honest and made perfect sense.  Solid work by Tim, asking why Pence doesn't trust women to make their own choices.  I have no jokes for this.  Just a really solid minute from Tim on abortion rights.

They're doing a final question about how they'll bring the country together if they win, and I simply don't care so let's wrap this up.  I honestly feel bad for both of these guys.  Tim Kaine's job tonight was to convince people that they should like and trust Hillary Clinton.  Mike Pence's job was to sit there for 90 minutes and pretend Donald Trump isn't a dangerous maniac.  I think both of these guys, even Pence who I honestly fucking hate, deserve gold stars for effort on this one.  Kaine pretty obviously won, but it's not like Pence had anything good to work with.  See you next time.