Kiddie Table

When Fox News decided to only invite 10 candidates to the main stage for the first Republican primary debate, one really interesting side effect was that it created seven leftover candidates who didn't make the debate.  I don't know if this was the plan from the start, or if they decided to do this later, but Fox decided to have a sort of JV debate a few hours before the main debate. 

It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen in politics.  They're in the same arena as they're using for tonight, but it's completely empty right now.  And they're using the exact same set, including not even removing the three podiums that are empty because this debate has three less people.  These guys are basically doing the sound check for the real debate.  Ouch.

The kiddie debate is being moderated by Bill Hemmer and Martha MacCallum.  Oy.

5:01PM - Hemmer is on fire right off the bat, referring to Bobby Jindal as the "acting" Governor of Louisiana.  The phrase Bill was looking for was "sitting Governor", or "current Governor".  Acting Governor is the guy who takes over in the interim when we find out that Bobby is actually a little kid and four raccoons in a man suit.

5:03PM - MacCallum starts off hot for real by asking Carly Fiorina if comparing herself to Margaret Thatcher was "a stretch".  You said it Martha.  Carly dodged the question and rambled about leadership for a while.  She said she knows more world leaders than any other candidate except maybe Hillary Clinton.  So does Bono, but he's not going to be President either.

5:06PM - Bobby Jindal's answer to why he's so unpopular in his own state was that he didn't run for Governor to be popular.  The more people hate me, the more they'll probably vote for me...Jindal 2016!

5:07PM - Hemmer asked Lindsey Graham how Republicans can trust him since he actually thinks climate change might be a problem.  Lindsay, giving a genuinely solid answer, says that he's a good candidate because he won't spend time arguing with Hillary Clinton about the science, he can argue with her about the solution.  His solution?  Find more fossil fuel in the United States, but use less.  Awesome plan.  There's literally no way that could go wrong.

5:10PM - Pataki just said we need to end crony capitalism.  Someone needs to revive Lindsey Graham. 

5:10PM - Jim Gilmore says that Rory and Lorelai had one of the most realistic and relatable mother/daughter relationships in the history of television.  I don't know about that, but like I've said before, dark hair and blue eyes works just fine for me.  I wish Jim would make another show about that.

5:12PM - It took the moderators 12 minutes to ask these people about Donald Trump, who isn't actually in this debate.  Rick Perry took the opportunity to talk about Texas border security.  Fiorina suggested that we ask Trump how he would govern.  Megyn Kelly shouted "no thank you" from the back of the room.

5:15PM - Jindal says we need to take the political handcuffs off the military.  Bobby Jindal's rules of engagement appear to be "kill whatever you see!".   I'd hate to be the President who has to clean up whatever mess Bobby would make.

5:16PM - Graham says we need to destroy ISIL before they come to America, and says our strategy for ISIL should be "whatever it takes, as long as it takes".  OK so put Lindsey down for indefinite war against an enemy he in no way understands.

5:21PM - MacCallum asked Pataki if he would put mosques under surveillance.  She added "keep in mind that conservatives are very concerned about religious liberty".  Right, but that's not really the kind of liberty they're talking about, is it?  Not surprisingly, George didn't answer the question.  He did mention that he was the Governor of New York on 9/11.  I had completely forgotten that, so you can tell he really made an impact.

5:24PM - Fiorina says it's disturbing that after terrorist attacks we usually find out that there were warnings and dots that weren't connected.  Gilmore Girls took that opportunity to point out that we had warnings about the 9/11 attacks before they occurred.  He's really asking for a Dick Cheney face shooting.  Bill Hemmer quickly jumped in with "shhhhh Jim, we don't talk about that here".

5:28PM - Rick Santorum says his dad was willing to wait to be an American, and immigrants today should be willing to wait because we're a nation of laws.  Can we at least admit that the world was slightly different 100 years ago, and that maybe not everything can just be the same as it was then?

5:30PM - Perry just pointed out that Reagan signed a law that amounted to amnesty.  Don't these guys get any of the Republican memos?  Also, Texas apparently has some kind of border protection plane that flies around and watches the border.  Who gave Texas planes?  That was a bad idea.

5:35PM - MacCallum asked Graham how you get Americans to take a job instead of a handout.  Oh Martha, I had such high hopes for you.  Graham, to his credit, didn't take the bait and said that Americans will work if given the opportunity, and then took the opportunity to attack Hillary for 90 seconds and point out that he'll monitor mosques if he has to, even though nobody asked him that.  So that answer was sort of a mixed bag from Lindsey.

5:37PM - MacCallum went fishing again with the same question, this time to Santorum.  Rick also mostly didn't take the bait.  Rick took the time to talk about his plan to grow manufacturing jobs by instituting a 20% flat tax.  I'm not sure a giant tax hike for poor people is the best way to help them, but I'm not a fancy economist.

5:39PM - Gilmore wants to cut everyone's taxes, but especially rich people.  They get a cut all the way down to 20% and no more estate tax.  I was just getting a little hopeful about Jim.  Can we just get Rory Gilmore next time?  She's so pretty.

5:41PM - Jindal points out that Barack Obama has weakened America by running up our huge national debt to China.  I keep forgetting that we had no debt until 2009. 

5:43PM - Hemmer keeps asking people if they would have expanded Obamacare in their state like John Kasich did.  Pataki talked about how he created workfare in New York but let people keep their health care, but then still said he would repeal Obamacare.  George has complicated feelings about poor people and health care.

5:48PM - MacCallum asked Perry why it's OK for us to be allies with Saudi Arabia, which funnels money to anti-American groups, but it's not OK for Iran to have money to funnel to anti-American groups.  Rick very angrily responded that it's not OK for Iran to get a nuclear weapon, so there.  Rick then said Carly Fiorina would have gotten a better deal with Iran than John Kerry did.   Carly's main argument on foreign policy appears to be that she knows everyone in the world.

5:52PM - Oh Rick.  You know, I want to believe Rick Santorum can conduct himself like a serious grown up.  But then he stands up on TV and, with a straight face, says that the Supreme Court's recent same sex marriage decision was just like the Dred Scott decision.  Those two court decisions are literal opposites.  I regret everything I said last week about Rick possibly being a serious candidate.  Apparently, he really can't help himself.

5:54PM - Hemmer asked Gilmore if he would impose an abortion litmus test on Supreme Court judges.  His answer involved creating a middle east NATO.  I think Bill and Martha are losing control a little bit.

5:58PM - Pataki points out that you don't have to be pro-abortion to be pro-choice, but somehow he would still defund Planned Parenthood even though no federal money goes to funding abortions at Planned Parenthood.  Republicans feel the same way about Planned Parenthood as I feel about Hillary Clinton.  They don't like it and you can't penetrate their feelings with logic.

6:01PM - Bobby Jindal says he would use the whole federal government to attack Planned Parenthood if he became President.  Bobby's first day would be pretty eventful.  He later said he'd also sign an executive order making sure Christians don't face discrimination. 

6:02PM - Graham says we should take the money from Planned Parenthood and put it toward women's health care without having to harvest organs from little babies.  Is that how it works?  Do you have to harvest some organs before you get any health care at Planned Parenthood.  Shit.  That sounds terrible. 

6:02PM - Graham also pointed out that if you want to see a real war on women you should go to the middle east.  Way to raise the bar Lindsey.  We treat women better than ISIS does.  Hooray!

6:04PM - Graham says he'd restore the NSA to what it was on his first day in office.  It took five guys to stop Rand Paul from running onto the stage.

6:06PM - Santorum would also sign some kind of first amendment protection order to stop everyone from discriminating against Christians.  This is such a weird persecution complex.  America is awesome for Christians.  I should know, I went to Catholic school.  I was never discriminated against for being a Christian, not once, not in my whole life.  Never.  That literally never happened to me.

6:07PM - MacCallum mentioned Reagan and all the candidates swooned.  MacCallum challenged every candidate to say something inspiring like Reagan would.  Santorum referred to himself as a child of Ronald Reagan.  I think we just broke some news.

6:10PM - Graham has said "whatever it takes" about the war on terror at least 5 times.  Lindsey made a really impassioned argument in favor of social security.  It was genuinely touching and completely unexpected.  Politics is weird sometimes.

6:12PM - Hemmer asked all seven people to describe Hillary Clinton in two words.  Not one of them was able to stick to two words.  That pretty much sums it up.

6:12PM - Santorum and Perry are wearing the exact same outfit. 

6:14PM - Perry says we need a "corporate executive type" as President.  There are multiple corporate executive types in the Republican field, but Rick isn't one of them.  Classic Perry.

6:17PM - Fiorina reminds us that she is not a member of the political class.  I have no idea what I'm doing...Fiorina 2016!

6:17PM - Everything Graham says sounds like he's on the verge of tears.  Is that how people talk in South Carolina?  That would be a really confusing and alarming place to live.

Speaking of alarming and confusing, the first part of tonight's Republican festivities is over.  I said last week I'm going to have to vote for one of these 17 Republicans.  Well, you cross these seven off the list.  Luckily, Fox pretty much already has.  See you later tonight.