Election Night: Part 2

Welcome back to part 2!  If you don't know the difference between "too close to call" and "too early to call" just turn on your TV and people will explain it to you over and over again.

9:00PM: Obama wins New York, and also stuff happened in a bunch of other states nobody cares about.

9:01PM: Elizabeth Warren is "leading" but it's too early to call.  I'm not surprised it's taking a while to count the votes in Massachusetts considering I filled my ballot out with a pencil today.  Recently they invented these things called computers, I bet they could come in handy with voting.

9:03PM: MSNBC just called the overall majority in the House of Representatives for the Republicans. Not awesome news, but not surprising.

9:06PM: Florida looks really, really close.  Virginia still looks pretty good for Romney.  Still not a lot of votes in from Ohio.  I would still describe the mood at MSNBC as "optimistic", while the mood at Fox is much more "uh oh".  As always, the mood at CNN continues to be "hey look at these fucking graphics!"

9:11PM: Fox reporter describing the Virginia Senate race - "people either like George Allen, or they like Tim Kaine".  Just incredible analysis from Fox there.

9:20PM: Fox is already talking about what paths Mitt has to victory without winning Ohio.  I told you, uh oh.

9:21PM: Pennsylvania called for Obama a few minutes ago, and he won Michigan too.  Electoral map closing in quickly on Mitt Romney.

9:23PM: Whenever Anderson Cooper says "balance of power" CNN runs a balance of power graphic before he can keep talking.  It's like saying the secret word in Pee Wee's playhouse.  CNN also apparently has control over the lights at the top of the Empire State Building.

9:25PM: "Obama wins Wisconsin" - Fox's Brett Baier, while looking around for something to slit his wrists with.

9:28PM: Obama won New York, shouldn't that be it.  I don't understand why lesser states get a say, or at least an equal say.  New York should get at least 269 electoral votes.

9:31PM: For weeks Fox has been pushing the idea that Romney could win Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.  Now that those states are off the board, they're back to telling me that Florida, Ohio and Virginia were the only states we were ever really talking about.  Fox can't even accurately report on their own reporting.

9:35PM: Every time John King tries to make a point, Blitzer interrupts him to go to a reporter on the scene in whatever location he was talking about.  These guys are going to throw punches before the night ends.

9:39PM: On Fox, Karl Rove is desperately trying to call Florida for Mitt Romney.  I kind of feel bad for Karl.  Can we all just tell him Mitt won?  I know he doesn't deserve our kindness, but I think we need to take some pity on him.

9:44PM: Democrats are winning Senate seats left and right.  Ohio, Wisconsin, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts.  Once again, they could have won most of these seats with even moderately useful candidates.

9:49PM: John Boehner on Fox - "I don't care what these fucking people voted for, we are not raising taxes ever.  You hear me?!?  EVER!!!"

9:51PM: If you ever see CNN's John King out in the real world, you'll notice that he always carries a giant touch screen around with him.  He's incapable of communicating without it.

9:54PM: They just called the Massachusetts Senate race for Elizabeth Warren.  I didn't always hate Scott Brown, but the campaign he ran this time around was really appalling.  He deserved to lose and he did.

10:02PM: Fox is now running dream scenarios for a Romney win.  One likely scenario, Barack Obama abducted by aliens.

10:06PM: Claire McCaskill kept her Senate seat over Todd "legitimate rape" Akin.  This Senate thing has really turned into a total mess for Republicans.  If only they could have anticipated that a majority of Americans don't like rape.

10:13PM: My current state has legalized medical marijuana.  "Ouch, my cataracts!" said every college student in Massachusetts.

10:15PM: Breaking news.  Mitt Romney just removed Linda McMahon from his binders full of women.

10:17PM: CNN appears to be circling around calling Florida for Obama.  Let's see if the Fox studio is on fire yet.

10:20PM: Things at Fox are looking grim as Megyn just somberly called New Mexico for the President.

10:24PM: NO quit in Karl Rove.  He is explaining the shit out of why Mitt Romney is going to win Ohio.  He's not mentioning that Ohio doesn't matter if Obama wins Florida.

10:26PM: Megyn Kelly on Fox - "Is this just math you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better, or is it real?".  That pretty much sums it up.

10:27PM: Matthews in response to Rachel Maddow saying we're going to hear from Elizabeth Warren soon - "why are we hearing from these people before the concession speech?".  Um, how about because she's a Senator elect and she'll speak whenever the fuck she wants.

10:33PM: Interestingly, CNN still hasn't called Wisconsin.  Blitzer doesn't call anything until his beard says so.

10:44PM: Obama wins Minnesota, eh?

10:49PM: Arizona for Romney.  I wasn't sure if Romney's self-deportation policy was going to be tough enough for the show me your papers state, but I guess it was good enough.

10:51PM: Megyn Kelly is now just aimlessly wandering around the Fox set while giggling and touching stuff.

10:58PM: Quick note on Romney possibly winning the popular vote but losing the election.  The same thing happened to Al Gore in 2000.  I've always said Democrats need to suck it up and stop bitching about it, same message to Republicans.  That's how our system works.

11:00PM: California, Washington and Hawaii for the President.  This is the point in 2008 when Senator Obama officially became President Elect Obama.  It was a really great moment.  A win this year won't be quite as exciting, but it'll still be the better choice.  If Mitt Romney pulls out a surprising win, I honestly hope I'm wrong about him and he turns out to be an excellent President.

OK, I'm bailing now to watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.  They do the comedy for me.  As I check out, things look pretty good for the President in Ohio and Florida, and he really only needs one of those.  Both states are really close though, could be a while.