From Time To Time

If you don't follow politics, you might not know that, in the recently discovered spirit of civility, some Democrats and Republicans will be sitting together during the State of the Union address. Basically, we're getting all the fun of a Presidential address mixed with all the awkwardness of a junior high school dance. Sounds like fun to me.

Before we start, I watched the pre-speech coverage on MSNBC, no more Keith Olbermann. I didn't always agree with Keith, but I've always liked Keith. Yes, Olbermann is very liberal and presented the news with a very clear slant, but he always started with the facts and then colored them to fit what he was trying to say. If the clowns at Fox were willing to at least start in reality, I'd be able to watch their channel for more than five minutes without laughing my ass off or yelling at my television machine.

OK. Ready? 3...2...1...President! (I know that's not how they actually introduced him, but I think my way is better)

While the President is making the traditional three hour walk from the entrance of the chamber to the podium, one quick note. Last year I checked out before the Republican response. This year? Hell no. Why? Because this year, we're not just getting a Republican response, the tea idiots are doing their own response. And do you know who they got to do it? Michele Bachmann! I can't miss that.

I thought Boehner was gonna cry when the President started off by congratulating him. PS...Boehner isn't nearly as orange as people keep saying he is. Even money says he and Biden are passing a flask back and forth. Seriously, I wouldn't let those two sit together, they look like trouble. The President may have to threaten to turn this speech right around and go home.

Hey, um, the President forgot to start by telling us that the state of our union is strong. How am I supposed to know what the state of our union is? Is it strong? just OK? craptastic? funky? We have no idea.

It's probably not a good sign that this year's depressing first ten minutes sound a lot like last year's depressing first ten minutes. But at least I learned that China is now the home of the world's fastest computer. It's amazing what child labor and political prisoners can build with the right motivation.

Sorry, but I have to say this. I'm so tired of hearing how America is "the light of the world" and "built on an idea". It's a great place to live, and I really like it here, but it's not Neverland. I think we need to work on being a little less pleased with ourselves, and the President just made my point for me by saying "we're the nation of Facebook". Oh, he meant that as a good thing? Nevermind.

"We'll fund the Apollo projects of our time" says the President, which are apparently renewable energy projects. This is why we're not getting anywhere. Kennedy was sending people to the moon, Obama wants to build solar panels. And he wants to do it by eliminating tax cuts for oil companies. Also, unicorns for everyone!

The President said "only parents can turn the TV off". He added, "not right now though, this is important".

Maybe it's just because I have no soul, but these inspiring stories about Michigan roofing brothers and some high school in Denver that got better just give me a headache. And I just saw Biden and Boehner laughing. I told you not to let them sit together, they may already be drunk.

In the middle of all these boring human interest stories, I'm pretty sure the President just said he wants 100,000 new teachers. That sounds like a pretty good idea, what exactly are we planning to pay them with?

John McCain and John Kerry are sitting together, clearly talking about losing Presidential elections and trying to figure out how either one of them ever lost to George W. Bush.

I just heard something about high speed rail for the second year in a row. I don't get our fascination with high speed rail. Chris Matthews has been talking about it all week and how you can get from Rome to Venice in an hour. How about figuring out a way for me to fly without spending three hours in security? To my point, the President just joked that high speed rail can be "faster than flying, without the pat down". HAHAHA...of course that joke only works until some asshole sneaks a bomb onto a train.

I'm noticing a lot of sneak attacks from the President tonight. He was just rambling for a while about regulations and what-not, and then suddenly we were talking about health care. The Democrats were up applauding before the Republicans even knew what hit them. Arrrggghh. Stop mentioning random people. I know it tests well in focus groups, but that only serves to remind me of what gullible idiots people are.

Now we're talking about a five-year spending freeze (not gonna happen), defense spending cuts (definitely not gonna happen), a bipartisan solution to social security (really not gonna happen) and asking millionaires to give up their tax breaks (absolutely not gonna happen).

It's fun having a Republican Speaker sitting behind the President, because you can watch him and you immediately know where the Republicans stand on things. For example, Republicans are for a simpler tax code, as long as it in no way raises taxes on rich people. Also, Republicans are definitely not for competent government.

After the President's pledge to veto any bills with earmarks, Biden was openly making faces at people in the crowd.

"American Muslims are also a part of our American family", said the President. Boehner didn't look convinced. Actually, Boehner always looks like that when he claps, like he's trying to get the taste of shit out of his mouth. Maybe that's just what his face looks like.

The President is spending an awful lot of time on foreign policy, and not just the generic "we will defeat terrorism, although I have no earthly idea how" stuff. He even mentioned two African countries. Later, Michele Bachmann will attempt to find Africa on a map (spoiler alert: it doesn't go well, but in her defense, she may believe Africa is a liberal myth).

Seriously, I think someone bet Obama he couldn't make Boehner cry. He lost that bet, but luckily, he won his secondary bet by making Biden laugh at inappropriate times and generally look goofy.

Right at the end, he finally said the state of our union is strong. I was hoping for funky. He also said, "we do big things". Well, we used to anyway. Truthfully, this wasn't my favorite Obama speech. He still seems convinced that Republicans will like him someday if he just says enough things they like.

Fun note from right after the speech. On Fox, Brit Hume suggested we're at a unique time in history in terms of public anxiety. Yes, Fox News anchor. If only we could figure out how the public got so anxious, it's a real mystery.

Next up, the Republican response from Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. I wonder if he'll mention the Packers (actually, he didn't, good for him). I'll just give you the bullet points:
debt = bad
health care = bad
regulation = bad
tax cuts = super awesome
founders = even awesomer
Then, Congressman Ryan listed 10 things he believes the government should be doing. The first six were just different ways of saying defense/security. The ninth one was basically just tax cuts, and then we were back to debt.

Hey! they're not gonna show that idiot Bachmann on TV! WTF! Why should I have to go to some website to hear what will definitely be the most entertaining speech of the night? Even Fox wouldn't broadcast it. Boooooo!!!!!! I've been had!