75 Reasons I'm Still Single

Whenever I talk to my mom, she either asks me if I'm seeing anyone, or I can tell she wants to but she doesn't because she already knows the answer.  I often joke about why I'm still single, and then I thought, is there a blog in there?  And then I thought, of course there fucking is, because I don't get paid for this and whether 0 or 1,000 people read this has no impact on anything else in my life and I can write about whatever the fuck I want.  So there.

75 Reasons I'm Still Single
1) I'm given to understand, from movies and such, that women like a sense a humor.  That has yet to be my experience.
2) Maybe my sense of humor is more of an acquired taste.
3) Maybe me just telling people I'm funny doesn't make it so.
4) I'm not that good-looking.
5) I think I'd look better with a beard, but
6) Something from my vague memories of childhood tells me that growing a beard would make my mom a little too happy.
7) The rational part of my brain is mostly sitting this one out, because it doesn't really care why I'm still single, but it chimed in here to suggest that perhaps my refusal to grow a beard for that reason should shed a little more light on this whole topic, #waytoofuckingstubborn.
8) Yeah, my brain uses hash tags now, we're trying a new thing.
9) Shut up brain, nobody asked you!
10) Sleeping when there's somebody else in the bed is damn near impossible for me.
11) Seriously, who in history decided that couples have to share a bed?  I'd like a word with her (or him, but not really).
12) Speaking of sharing, I suck at that.
13) Maybe #10 would be less of a problem if my body hadn't decided that the best time for me to sleep is between 5AM and Noon.
14) I can't really stop myself from making a face at anybody who tells me they believe in god.
15) Turns out, lots of people believe in god.
16) When I was a kid, I was naturally good at a number of things.
17) school...
18) sports...
19) being awesomely rational.
20) For example, I wanted to play guitar, so I picked up a guitar...
21) I wasn't immediately awesome at playing the guitar...
22) I never picked up the guitar again.
23) Same thing happened with my keyboard.
24) There's a lesson in here somewhere about not being willing to try at things that aren't immediately perfect.
25) Also, some people aren't wild about #19.
26) I'm told that I always need to be right.
27) Apparently that's annoying.
28) I don't always need to be right, I just am right.
29) It's not my fault, I don't make the facts.
30) Rational brain wants to make another editorial comment.
31) I'm not allowing it.
32) My friend Sadie says I may or may not be a sociopath.
33) I might have made up the "may not" part of #32.
34) You can't grow the economy and cut the deficit by cutting taxes again...
35) Because you don't actually have magic powers.
36) OK, #34 and #35 don't have anything to do with me, but...
37) I feel obligated to mention that in every blog entry until people stop believing it.
38) I have at least 6 fantasy football teams.
39) It seems like people like to talk about books.
40) Unless Ernest Hemingway wrote it, there's about a 102% chance I haven't read it.
41) If I did have a girlfriend right now, she'd have to listen to me complain incessantly about those new Maker's Mark commercials with James Carville and his awful wife.
42) Seriously, I've never seen a worse ad campaign.
43) It's like they want me to hate their product.
44) It also makes me want to punch James Carville in the face...
45) Because I feel like he knows better.
46) I wanted to do 100 reasons why I'm still single...
47) But I'm only up to 47 and now I'm pretty bored...
48) I get bored really easily...
49) Probably another lesson in there...
50) Shut up, rational brain!
51) Online dating still seems weird and unnatural to me
52) No offense, but...
53) The people in those eHarmony commercials seem like the kind of couples that would do eHarmony commercials.
54) I don't want to be in that kind of couple.
55) Rational brain says maybe if I wasn't so fucking judgmental...
56) I said be quiet, brain!
57) The Yankees look pretty much done.
58) #57 isn't about me either...
59) but I'm pretty sure I'm right about it.
60) There's a very small chance that I'm going to find you interesting.
61) The fact that you don't find me interesting either doesn't change that.
62) If you're reading this, there's a decent chance you now know more about me than several people with whom I'm been in actual relationships.
63) Hmmmmm
64) I'm a pathological liar.
65) No wait, that's Paul Ryan.
66) My bad.
67) People think I'm quiet...
68) Because I can't make fun of you in my head and talk to you at the same time.
69) Eventually people find that out...
70) They don't love it.
71) #68 is a lie...
72) I absolutely can do that.
73) I spent two hours on a Saturday doing this.
74) Because it seemed like a good idea two hours ago...
75) See #7