Journey to the End of My Sense of Humor

I started blogging almost six years ago for reasons that I don't fully remember.  I could say that I needed a creative outlet, but it's more likely that I just wanted to yell back at the people on the TV and this was the next best thing.  It was my intention to post something two or three times a week, and it went that way for a while.

I found that as I started writing regularly, I started becoming more aware of my inner monologue.  Eventually, after the 2012 election, I got so tired of the voice in my head, and my sense of humor, that I all but abandoned this space.  I needed a break from me, and while that's never entirely possible, I could at least give myself a break from writing, editing and re-writing my thoughts all the time.  I tried to get back here a couple of years ago, but that didn't really take. 

I bought a new car a few months ago.  I'm very impulsive and impatient, especially when it comes to buying stuff.  One day I was just sitting in my apartment getting ready to schedule an oil change for my 11 year old car.  Seriously, my car would have been a sixth grader, and I beat it up pretty good.  I don't think I ever took it to a car wash, and sometime last summer I kicked the clutch pedal the wrong way and just yanked it right out of the car.  I was able to jam it back in, but, not surprisingly, it never really worked as well after that.  Good tip for everyone...ripping things out of your car and then kicking them back into place isn't an awesome way to keep your car in top shape.

Anyway, one day in March I was sitting here thinking about not really wanting to put any more money into my old car.  I went online to research possible new cars.  Now, my grandpa is still alive, and he didn't win World War 2 so I could buy a Toyota or a fucking Volkswagon, so I limited my search to American cars.  I settled on Chevy because, I don't know, my Saturn was a GM car and it turned out pretty good.  About 90 minutes later I was putting a $500 deposit down at a Chevy dealership so Joe, the nice Irish car salesman, could find me a blue Chevy Cruze with a standard transmission.  Joe had a KISS mug on his desk, but I bought a car from him anyway because his hockey equipment was in the car that he let me test drive, so that kind of evened out the whole KISS thing.

Three days after that, I went back to Joe with a large check which I gave him in exchange for a blue Chevy Cruze with a standard transmission.  I didn't like the shade of blue then and I don't like it now, but I wasn't in the mood for red just then so blue was my best choice because the other two choices were white (no) and a fourth color that I honestly don't even remember.  A week later I kept thinking how much I wished I had just gotten a red one.

On the way home with my new car, I stopped in a parking lot to play around with the transmission a little before I got it out on a real road.  I realized that I didn't know how to put the car in reverse, so that started about 7 minutes of panic in a McDonald's parking lot.  What if I never figured out how to make my new car go backwards??  It would be like the Zoolander of cars!  Then I figured it out.

Then I stopped at home for a few minutes before heading back to work for a night meeting.  When I started my new car, for the second time ever, the check engine light went on.  I checked the gas cap and whatever else I could think of.  Luckily, my previous car had a pretty consistent check engine light problem, so I knew what to check, but nothing helped.  I was very unhappy.

I took my new car back to the dealership, and after they checked it out a little, they called me and announced that I needed a new part.  They said I needed to bring it in later in the week to get the new part (which they had to order), then I needed to drive it around for a few days, then I needed to bring it back in again to have it pass inspection with the new part.  This all made me very angry.  I sent Joe a very angry email, which I don't feel bad about because even though this wasn't his fault he's a KISS fan and that is his fault.  I had a very angry conversation with two different people in the maintenance department, which I do sort of feel bad about.

Everyone completely understood why I was very angry, but that didn't really make me less angry.  But eventually,  I realized that being very angry wasn't helping solve my problem, and I decided to stop being very angry.  And when I stopped being very angry, all the car people started trying extra hard to help me, because I wasn't being angry at them anymore.  Since I got my new part, everything about the car has been great.  It even retained its new car smell for like three months.

So back to blogging.  This whole car fiasco reminded me that angry Sean is generally not productive Sean, and that regular Sean is not really a big fan of angry Sean.  I started writing with the main goal of being funny.  I got tired of my own writing, in part, because my tone slowly changed from being funny to being angry, and mean-spirited.  To be fair, you can hardly blame me.  To keep informed on my subject matter, which is politics more than anything else, I watched a lot of cable news.  Here's a quick story about cable news that I think illustrates my point.

Not that long ago, maybe around the same time I bought the car, I tried to watch MSNBC.  I honestly hadn't watched MSNBC at all in like a year because it is so very awful.  While Fox's detachment from reality is often genuinely entertaining, MSNBC's detachment from reality is usually just sad and unsettling.  So I turned on Chris Matthews, a familiar face to ease back in.  Chris, and I swear this is true, was talking about Chris Christie and the George Washington bridge.  A whole segment on it.  Roughly 18 months after the non-scandal happened.  Why?  I watched the whole segment and I honestly couldn't tell you.

Completely unrelated tangent.  I was just adding some tags to this post (Chevrolet, MSNBC, Fox News, etc) and apparently I've never tagged a post with Zoolander before.  How does that happen?  23 year old me would be very disappointed in current me.

Anyway, you can't blame me for getting angry all the time back when I was watching hours of cable news every day.  Honestly, you should be impressed I'm still alive.

I'm at the point now where I either need to start writing here again or I need to come on here, thank the 8-10 people who read most of what I wrote, and give up.  I'm willing to give it one more try.  And this time I can try it without crushing my soul with hours and hours of Fox and MSNBC.  If there's one thing I learned the first time, its that I never learned anything useful watching cable news anyway.

There's an election just starting, with debates and what-not, and plenty of silly sports things about under-inflated balls to talk about.  And maybe sometimes I can just tell funny stories that happened to me in life.  I've heard people find that interesting.  If I can't get back into this now, then maybe it just isn't for me anymore.

First up, a total rundown of the Republican field.  Then a debate on Thursday.  Then we'll see how it's going.  Maybe it'll go a little less angry this time.  Maybe I can get through this whole election without calling anybody a dumbass, and maybe then I can sign off feeling good about how it ended.  Or maybe it doesn't have to end there.  Or maybe I'll write a couple of things next week and realize that I've wrung everything out of the sponge that is my sense of humor already and I don't have anything else useful to say.  We'll see.

Tommy Handsome...And His Balls

Can you imagine being the first ancient Egyptian to take the hieroglyph for ball and carve it where the hieroglyph for testicle was supposed to be.  You call all your Egyptian friends and mummies over to see what you've done and they're just like "Dude, that's genius.  We have so many balls in regular life, if we make it so that balls also means testicles, that's comic gold for the next 10,000 years.  Why didn't those stupid aliens who built our pyramids think of this?"

NBC's pre-game was six and a half hours long.  Six.  And a half.  Hours.  That gives a guy a lot of time to think, and he's what I came up with.  Handsome and the Hoodie.  A new sitcom coming to ABC in the Fall.  Brady and Belichick are banned from football for being cheaters and forced to live together in a small two-bedroom apartment in a Boston suburb.  Hijinks ensue.

Brady embarks on an acting career, but can only get roles as a corpse on procedural cop dramas (cut to David Caruso whipping off his sunglasses and glibly exclaiming "looks like someone sent this handsome devil straight to hell!"  Cue The Who).  Belichick takes a job at one of the fourteen Dunkin Donuts locations within walking distance of the apartment, and constantly fights with his boss because he wants to create 91 different types of donuts so he never has to work with the same exact combination of available donut flavors more than once.

Eventually, Brady gets his big break, being cast in one of the new Star Wars movies as the galaxy's most handsome man, but he gets the flu, so Belichick has to take his place.  Belichick immediately gets cast as the new darth vader, leaving Brady to run the Dunkin Donuts.  Look for plenty of Gronk guest appearances.

Hey, did you know there's another team in this game?  It's true, they're from Seattle or Portland or somewhere rainy like that.  Sports journalists seem genuinely surprised to see them, with Cris Collinsworth inquisitively musing "Hey, who are those guys?  I thought this was just about the Patriots and football inflation levels".

6:29PM: It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan alive and speaking in full sentences.

6:30PM: Marshawn Lynch has a small Tupperware container of Skittles on the sideline.  How is he not everyone's favorite football player?

6:34PM: Jonas Gray is inactive for this game.  It's like he made a deal with satan where he could rush for 200 yards in one NFL game but then nothing good ever happens to him again.  I'd say Jonas isn't a great negotiator.

6:36PM: Seattle almost screwed themselves with a roughing the kicker penalty.  The Seahawks, as good as they are, are one of the most undisciplined teams in the NFL.  You have to wonder how good they'd be if they could just stop taking stupid penalties.

6:39PM: The crowd in Arizona is decidedly pro-Seattle.  I'm surprised by that since Arizona is in Seattle's division, but I guess people just really hate the Patriots, and while I don't personally feel that way, I sort of get it.

6:42PM: "Hey, I have an idea for a commercial! Kate Upton!"..."...and..." "No and, just Kate Upton".  "OK yeah, that's a pretty good idea".

6:44PM: Collinsworth seems mildly obsessed with Belichick's #2 pencil.  Is he taking the SATs after the game?

6:45PM: Collinsworth just referred to Kam Chancellor as "the hammer".  Kam's wife has already told him 100 times that she's not calling him that.

6:51PM: People who have been paying attention to football this year know that Seattle doesn't really rush the passer that well and it isn't that surprising that they aren't pressuring Brady too much.  Apparently Collinsworth is not a person who has been paying attention to football.

6:53PM: Brady just threw the ball right to one of Seattle's DBs.  Right to him.  Jeremy Lane got hurt at the end of the play, but it's not like he was going to have two interceptions in the game, so his job's mostly done already.  Sidenote: The NFL doesn't give a fuck about knees.  As long as you don't hit a guy in the head, you can do pretty much whatever you want.  Unless you're hitting a quarterback, then you can only hit him in a 2 inch sliver of his body between his waist and his ribs.

6:58PM: After one quarter, points for nobody.  Somebody better go deflate some footballs, the NFL does not want a 9-6 superbowl.

7:05PM: They're making a new Terminator movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  California voters must be so proud.

7:08PM: New England isn't really having trouble moving the ball.  They just need to not give it away this time.

7:11PM: Touchdown! Brady to LaFell.  Both of these teams make a strong argument against spending money or high draft picks on big time wide receivers.  Where are the Cowboys right now? Or the Lions?  Or the Bengals?  Or any team with a receiver that anyone ever wanted?

7:16PM: Jason Statham, The Rock and Vin Diesel star in Incoherent Grunt: The Movie.

7:18PM: Seattle's offense is a mess right now.  The look like the Jets have looked for, basically, my entire life.

7:22PM: That Nissan commercial was an awfully long walk to nowhere.  Emotionally manipulative commercials only work on me when animals are involved.  You can't get me with humans.

7:27PM: Paul McCartney is at the superbowl.  I find that disappointing for some reason.  Like he should have more important Paul McCartney things to be doing.

7:31PM: Russell Wilson just completed a pass to a guy I've literally never seen in a Seahawks game this year.  I'm pretty confident Russell Wilson could throw a football through a brick wall.

7:33PM: Touchdown Lynch!  It's nice how Seattle's offense can basically just show up whenever they feel like it and everything's still cool.

7:36PM: The commercial featuring Walter White is currently the leader in the clubhouse for me.  Commercials don't have to be so complicated.

7:39PM: The two minute warning is one of the strangest rules in any sport.  "Hey, what if we just stop the game with two minutes to go in each half" "Why?" "I don't know, just for commercials and shit."

7:44PM: First really bad penalty of the game for Seattle.  I predict many more.

7:46PM: Wait, there's a Katy Perry performance and a pointless halftime show?  How long is this halftime?  I do have to go to work at some point this week.

7:48PM: Gronkowski touchdown.  If Gronkowski wins the MVP, I'm finding a way to start a riot.  He's the worst.

7:57PM: We've had 6 seconds left in the 1st half for about 5 minutes now.  This is why people who don't really like sports wind up really hating sports instead of just feeling indifferent.

7:58PM: Seattle makes a gutsy call to throw it into the end zone with 6 seconds left instead of just settling for the field goal and it gets them 7 instead of 3.  I hope Mike McCarthy is taking serious notes.

8:01PM: Time for the superbowl halftime show, brought to you by Pepsi and boobs.  Pepsi: It's how people who don't like Coke get diabetes.  And Boobs: They're what Katy Perry does.

8:13PM: Katy Perry is wearing an outfit that defies description while riding a mechanical tiger with satanic red eyes.  Can you imagine trying to explain why this is happening in the middle of a football game to someone who just refuses to understand marketing tie-ins.

8:24PM: I'm going to give the halftime show a solid B+.  Katy Perry was perfectly watchable.  Lenny Kravitz just played his little guitar and didn't bother anyone.  Missy Elliott was a welcomed addition.  I really don't have any complaints.

8:29PM: Market research conclusion for superbowl ad agencies: People are really into dads this year.  I think the fact that Cliff Huxtable turned out to be a rapist made people appreciate their own dad's ability to not be a horrible human being.

8:32PM: I've decided I'm stopping this at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I'm tired and I've had a headache for like 8 days and nobody's going to read this anyway.  Also, according to the TV, we're all going to die from snow poisoning tomorrow so what's the point.

8:34PM: Another catch by this Matthews fellow.  Where did they find this dude?  I imagine Russell Wilson spent the last two weeks telling Pete Carroll "Hey, you know that good receiver we have?  I think we should really use him."

8:37PM: Seattle settles for a field goal and takes their first lead.  Kudos to the New England defense for hanging in there.

8:41PM: Market research note #2: Voice-overs.  People love that shit.

8:47PM: Brady throws the ball to a Seahawk again.  I'd say that one was more on Gronk than Brady, but then again, I hate Gronk, so...

8:49PM: Are we sure Chris Matthews isn't actually Calvin Johnson or Dez Bryant in a mask?  What's happening here?

8:51PM:  Russell Wilson has never been tackled.  He just slides when he feels like it.

8:54PM: Touchdown! Wilson to Baldwin.  At least most Pats fans are probably getting a day off tomorrow.

8:58PM: Just be honest Budweiser.  Your beer is shitty but it's cheap and widely available.  When you try to tell me that you work really hard at brewing it, that just makes me feel sorry for you.

9:03PM: Punt for New England with about 3 minutes left in the third quarter.  Things looking bleak for the Patriots.  Usually when one team dominates after halftime, I'm inclined to say the other guy is getting out-coached.  Hard to believe about Belichick, but...

OK I think this is probably a good stopping point.  New England looks beaten right now.  Either they're going to make a big comeback which I'll want to pay attention to, or they'll continue to suck and I'll want to make fun of them, and I have to live here.  Enjoy the 4th quarter.

Last Exit

Tonight's State of the Union address is basically the last exit on the politics highway before the bridge to the 2016 election.  Official announcements will start soon (Barack Obama announced in February 2007) and once one serious candidate announces, everything after that is about the election.  That's not to say this speech will have nothing to do with the 2016 election, but it's the last big political thing that isn't entirely about the 2016 election.  So, if you hate elections, this is pretty much it for you.

I watched most of the pre-speech coverage on MSNBC, just out of nostalgia for when they used to actually be a news network, but I managed to switch to Fox long enough to witness O'Reilly and John Stossel having a fair and balanced debate about whether or not the President (and his wife, for some reason) are true believers in socialism or if they're just dirty liars about it for political gain.  Bill thinks they're true believers.  I think Stossel's point was that it doesn't matter because what they want to do won't work either way.  Glad to see Fox hasn't changed.  Bill teased his next segment, which was about how you're not allowed to criticize Beyonce.  The inside of Bill's mind must be terrifying.

I switched to CNN for five seconds and their breaking news at the bottom of the screen was that Barack Obama was going to leave the White House.  Not that he had left the White House, but that he was going to.  Glad CNN figured that out for us.  I have to go back to MSNBC now because I just feel sad for CNN.  It's like how old baseball writers always talk about Willie Mays limping around in a Mets' uniform.  I don't want to remember you this way CNN!

I almost decided not to do this again this year, and after just about 20 minutes of cable news I'm already regretting my decision to do it.  We had better just get started.

8:53PM - 6 of the 9 Supreme Court justices just walked in.  The other three are apparently way too busy and can't be bothered with this kind of nonsense.  I'd like to criticize them for being childish and petty, but I think if I was a Supreme Court justice I'd want to be one of the justices who's too cool for the State of the Union.

8:57PM - I swear I just saw Paul Ryan do the John Cena "you can't see me" gesture.  You probably think that's ridiculous and there's no way it happened, but I know what I saw.

8:59PM - Rachel Maddow on the Supreme Court: "They're all wicked old".  Did someone give Rachel a "be less smart and more folksy" note at some point?  You're from Massachusetts, we get it.

9:00PM - MSNBC just gave us a 6 second shot of a pencil on a desk.  Apparently Congress will be waiving them to express support for freedom of expression.  Congress is super into freedom of expression, as long as you're mocking gods they don't really believe in.

9:06PM - Here comes the Prez.  I would love to see the President just walk in and not shake any hands one year.  He could start the speech with "I'm here to give a speech, not shake hands with dumbasses".  These are the things that would entertain me.

9:11PM - We're starting with a quick recap of the first 15 years of the 21st century.  They've been....less than optimal.  But guess what everybody?!?  We're turning the page now!!!  YAY!!!

9:13PM - "Our combat mission in Afghanistan is over".  He added "I mean, ya know, sort of, for now at least".  Then he used the phrase "this 9/11 generation".  Can that not be a thing?  Please?

9:14PM - If you had "strong" for the state of the union, you win the pool.  If you had anything else, you really haven't watched one of these before, have you?

9:15PM - We just got a clear "woo" for "an economy where only a few of us do extremely well".  Who let Mitt in here?

9:17PM - The lady standing next to Michelle Obama is named Rebecca, and she's pretty adorable.  Apparently she goes to community college and her husband works in construction.  I'm not sure how that got her next to the First Lady at the State of the Union, but she seems super likable so it's fine I guess.

9:20PM - I had to switch to Fox because MSNBC's stupid real time polls are blocking the bottom third of the screen.  The question they're asking is "Do you agree with what the President is saying?"  What does that even mean?  He's mostly just stating facts right now.

9:21PM - The title of this section of speech would most accurately be "I fixed the economy and if you idiots try to pass something that will break it again I will veto the shit out of that bill".

9:22PM - "We need to set our sets higher than making sure that government doesn't just screw things up".  You gotta walk before you run though, right?  Can we try not screwing things up first and see how it goes?

9:23PM - Rebecca's kids are named Jack and Henry.  Jack is a solid name.  I'm not wild about Henry, but I think it works in Minnesota.

9:25PM - George W. Bush left hundreds of post-its with Presidenting advice lying around the White House.  The one Barack actually listened to?  Call people folks a lot.  Folks love when you call them folks.

9:27PM - Obama says child care isn't a "women's issue", it's a national economic priority.  The Republicans seem to disagree.  They aren't big fans of paid sick leave either, and don't even get them started on equal pay for women.

9;29PM - We've reached the point in the night when Democrats applaud loudly for raising the minimum wage and Republicans try hiding under their desks.

9:31PM - The President is talking about better job training for American workers.  I know for a fact that he told Joe Biden to take care of that during last year's speech.  Great job Biden!  You suck so hard!

9:32PM - The President wants to lower the cost of community college to $0.  Republicans are a no on that for some reason.  I'm a no on that too, because I work at a non-community college and I need money to buy food.  I feel like free community college might impact my earning power a bit.  Do all the Republicans work at non-community colleges too?  I never see them at conferences.

9:34PM - Wait, now the President says Biden did do some hard work on job training.  Well then why isn't it fixed yet?  What else is Biden doing?

9:36PM - We seem to be in the middle of a multi-part economic plan.  You know what voters love more than anything?  Multi-part economic plans.  Just ask Mitt Romney, or John Kerry.

9:39PM - Seamless transition from curing cancer to protecting a free and open internet.  I feel like both of those things are important, but one is clearly more important.

9:40PM - He just did a solid minute on the space program.  Just because Congress is too stupid to understand the space program doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't get to have one.  He should have said that.  Why can't I write for the President?

9:43PM - Uh oh.  It's foreign policy time.  Everybody get your spare pair of pants ready.

9:45PM - Looks like the pencil waiving was isolated to one lady.  I couldn't tell for sure from the camera angle, but that's what it looked like.

9:46PM - Every time one of these guys talks about supporting the moderate opposition in Syria I'm compelled to ask this question.  Have we just not been writing things down for the last 50 years?  Is it not possible for us to access the history of what happens when we back the lesser of two evils in an unstable country in the middle east?  What could possibly convince us that it will work out great this time?

9:48PM - On Cuba "when what you're doing doesn't work for 50 years, it's time to try something new".  Marco Rubio countered "Oh come on!  Just like 20 more years and I swear it'll work!"

9:50PM - The President sure has said the word veto a lot tonight.  This is going to be a feisty couple of years.  And by feisty, I mean gridlocked and pointless.

9:52PM - Biden and Boehner look positively frosty tonight.  I'm assuming they were taking turns insulting each other's moms and then Biden took it too far because you're not supposed to call Boehner's mom fat because she has a glandular problem and it's NOT FUNNY!

9:54PM - On climate change, the President says it's OK if you're not a scientist, you just have to listen to scientists.  But what about that one scientist Fox News found who says climate change isn't real and that opinion has nothing to do with the six figure consulting fee he gets from the coal lobby?  What about him???

9:57PM - "It's time to close GTMO".  Yeah, but we're not going to, sooo....

10:00PM - I feel like openly arguing with political pundits during the State of the Union address is a misguided effort.

10:02PM - Standing ovation from Democrats for same-sex marriage.  Look at them growing some balls once the polls show a position is overwhelmingly popular.  I can't wait for Hillary Clinton to tell me again how she evolved.

10:03PM - I think seven years in is a little late for "a better politics" and "appealing to common decency".  I don't know if you heard buddy, but there's an election coming up.  There will be no decency.

10:06PM - Hey!  I haven't seen Cory Booker once tonight.  Is it maybe because he's too busy buying plane tickets to Iowa?  Booker 2016!

10:07PM - "I have no more campaigns to run...I know because I won both of them".  For the 100th time, condescending and sarcastic Obama is by far my favorite Obama.

10:10PM - Coming in for a landing and we go back to Rebecca one more time.  I'm a big fan of Rebecca.

While we wait for one of the five (you heard me) Republican responses, here's a quick list of things that seemed to mostly get left out of the speech, except for maybe a vague reference (I apologize if I'm wrong about any of these, I admit I drifted away a couple of times):

-Wall Street reform
-Gun control
-Police shooting unarmed citizens
-The fact that it's 2015 and we don't have hoverboards yet
-Al Qaeda
-Russia

I actually give the President some credit for the last one.  Hard to resist kicking Putin while he's down.

I mentioned five Republican responses.  I'll be watching the official Republican response from Joni Ernst, which I'm not looking forward to.  There will also be one from the tea people, one in Spanish, one from Rand Paul and one from Ted Cruz.  Rand can get away with that because nobody agrees with Rand on everything and he can only really represent himself.  Cruz is just a malignant narcissist.
So, Joni Ernst started by first pointing out that while we may not always agree, it's good to hear other points of view.  I see she was in the debate club in high school.  Then, she openly admitted that she has no interest in actually responding to the President's speech, which is annoying because what she's doing is literally called a response, but it's also refreshing, because at least she's admitting it.

Joni Ernst only had one good pair of shoes growing up.  It's a good old-fashioned Republican poor-off!  Later Ted Cruz will tell you about his great-grandpa who was a turd miner in Cuba.

Apparently Republicans are going to start calling the Keystone pipeline the Keystone jobs bill.  Shit that's good.  Damn you Frank Luntz!

Give Joni Ernst some real credit.  Giving a nationally televised speech while staring directly into the camera in an empty room after the other guy just gave his speech in a huge and full room is a crappy job, and I'd say she did it pretty well.  She's a Republican, so a lot of what she said was silly nonsense, but still, she said it pretty well.

Argentina v. Zee Germans

-Well, the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn't it?
--...proper fucked?
-Yeah, Tommy.  Before zee Germans get there.

Welcome to the World Cup final.  I'm disappointed to not see the Dutch today.  They're just so very orange.  But, sadly, that's just the way soccer goes sometimes.  Fun fact about Holland: the password to every computer in Holland is ruud_van_nistelrooy.

At least the Americans aren't in the final.  Just imagine how annoying you people would be if they were.  Two extra weeks of hearing about how this time is going to be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  We never learn.  No time will ever be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  You know why?  Because we have better sports.  It's not a knock on soccer, it's just the reality.  We have like 10 different options that are better than MLS.  We just do.  The Premier League is fantastic, you should watch it sometime, you'd love it.  MLS sucks, and I don't see that changing.  I love football, but I don't watch the CFL.  You know why?  Because it's silly and pointless, just like MLS.

It's just about time to get started, and I assume we're all rooting for Germany, right?  Listen, Germany is only good at two things, soccer and apocalyptic genocide.  I think it's in all of our best interests to keep them happy about soccer.  Poland, if Argentina wins this game, you'd better start running.

I just found out that last time these two teams met in the World Cup final, Germany (then West Germany, so that's fun) won the match on a "debatable late penalty".  As far as I can tell, every penalty kick ever awarded in the history of soccer can be described as "debatable".

I have two of the same observations I had four years ago, and they both bear repeating.  First of all, I love how the World Cup does the national anthems.  No pop singers, no nonsense, just poor quality recordings through the stadium PA, which the crowd is happy to sing along with.  It's perfect.  And second, seriously, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS WHO COME OUT ON THE FIELD WITH THE PLAYERS??  Why are they there?  It's the strangest sports custom I've ever seen.  Why?  Why soccer??

1st minute: Argentina are wearing a shade of blue I don't believe I've ever seen before.  It's marvelous.

3rd minute: A German player gets casually bumped and falls down like he's been shot.  Free kick to Germany.  Germany kicks the ball directly into a wall of Argentinians.  Argentines?  People from Argentina.

4th minute: Argentina just had a really good chance, but the announcers didn't really react.  They need to get warmed up.  Not a criticism, by the way.  I wish Ian Darke could do every sporting event in the world, and narrate my life.

8th minute: Messi just did some stuff Ian described as "a little alarming" for Germany.  Messi, apparently, is very good at soccer and Ian gets very excited whenever he touches the ball.

10th minute: "A bright start" for Argentina.  The consensus seems to be that the Brazilian fans would rather Argentina not win a World Cup on Brazil's home turf, but honestly, it's kind of hard to tell who the crowd is rooting for.  I'm hearing a lot of chanting and they're cheering for basically everything that happens.

13th minute: "A lovely looking cross" for the Germans, but nothing to show for it.

15th minute: Argentina has a fantastic four up front.  Not the fantastic four, just a fantastic four.

16th minute: According to the advertising on the side of the pitch (I used a soccer word!), McDonald's has a gol! app, which I assume you can use to eat McDonald's every day for a year and then never play soccer again because you have diabetes.

17th minute: Some poor German guy just took a shoulder to the head.  He tried to get up and then fell back down again.  He's going to need a minute.

19th minute: As far as I can tell, Germany are playing a man down until they figure out whether or not that guy has a concussion.  That seems like a bad game plan.  Soccer is weird.

21st minute: A German turnover just resulted in "a glorious chance" for Argentina, but they kicked the ball "way, way, way wide".

22nd minute: Ian and his buddy are still mocking how far wide the Argentinian player kicked the ball.  They think Messi would have nailed it.  In other news, concussion guy is apparently fine and back in the game.

Fun soccer fact: Every time a team gets a free kick against Germany and they form a wall 10 yards away from the kick, the other team is required by FIFA rules to have at least one player on their bench make a Berlin wall joke.

28th minute: Germany almost scored on a ball which both announcers described as lovely, but they were offside.  I hate soccer's offside rule as much as I hate anything in sports.  There's no offside line, you just can't run behind the last defender until the ball has been kicked to you.  They're basically punishing players for being faster and smarter than their opponents.  I hate it.  Just paint an offside line on the field.  How hard is that?

29th minute: A German player with an incredibly German name just got the first yellow card of the game for barely running into someone.

30th minute: Argentina just scored, but not really because they were offside.  Ugh.

31st minute: Germany's concussion guy just fell down again, so after 10 minutes of letting him play with a concussion, the Germans finally decided he should probably just sit the rest of this one out.  The announcers are correctly hammering the Germans for letting him play.

33rd minute: Ian and his buddy are openly mocking a dive taken by an Argentinian player.  So even soccer people can see this.  The NHL fixed this problem, why can't FIFA?

34th minute: A German player just tried to kick an Argentinian player in the testicles.  He got a yellow card.  Ian added "that's yellow plus".  Damn straight.

36th minute: Messi almost did a thing, but the Germans stopped him.  That led to a corner kick which, like most corner kicks, led to nothing.

37th minute: Really fun sequence here.  Right after Argentina's failed corner kick, Germany charged down the pitch (soccer!) and had an excellent scoring chance.  Then, just for fun, one of the Argentinian players chased the ball over to the corner and fell over the little flag in the corner kick spot.  It was pretty funny but Ian and the other guy both missed it.

40th minute: Argentina almost scored again.  They had two guys with the ball behind the German keeper, but the German defenders handled it with precision and grim determination, as all Germans handle all things.

43rd minute: Ian calls his announcing buddy Macca.  Seriously, there's nothing I wouldn't watch if these two guys were doing commentary.

47th minute: Germany just knocked a header right off the goal post.  Then Muller tried to score on the rebound, and he failed, but he was offside either way.  Ugh.

Quick re-cap of a recent board meeting at the ABC network:
Suit #1: We have a great idea for a show.  We'll get an academy award winning actress to star in a show with a really catchy title, we're thinking "How to Get Away with Murder".
Suit #2: Oh I like it, will the plot of the actual show need to make sense?
Suit #1: No, I don't think so.
Suit #2: OK awesome, let's do it.

One thing the World Cup and the Tour de France have in common is awesome Britishy commentary.  If you're looking for sports to watch in July, I highly recommend the Tour de France.  It's mesmerizing.  It shouldn't be, you literally couldn't pay me to watch any other cycling race, but I can't look away from the Tour de France.

Fun soccer fact: There's a guy on the Brazilian team named Fred.  Just Fred.  I know the Brazilians are known for just using one name, but it's usually something fancy like Pele or Ronaldo.  It takes a lot of balls to have this conversation:
Equipment Manager: What name should we put on your jersey?
Fred: Fred
Equipment Manager: Yeah, but Fred what?  What's your last name?
Fred: Nah dog, just Fred.

47th minute: Messi just barely missed the net.  I'm starting to get worried that this game might involve extra time.  If I get a vote, I vote no thank you.

51st minute: Ian just called Messi "the little magician".  I'd love to know how Messi feels about that.  Magician sounds complementary, but guys generally don't like being called little.  It's a real mixed bag.

55th minute: Ian just mentioned extra time and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it.

57th minute: The German keeper and an Argentinian player just had a mid-air collision.  It was awesome.  The Argentinian player is still down and, on top of that, he was called for a foul for viciously assaulting the German keeper's leg with his neck.

59th minute: Klose just almost scored a goal for Germany with his head.  Which reminds me, I'm shocked American parents haven't forced children's soccer leagues to make the players wear helmets.  Doesn't that seem like something American parents would do?  It's certainly stupid enough for them.

64th minute: Another yellow card for, I don't know, something.

65th minute: And another one.  I have very little grasp on what constitutes a yellow cardable offense.  I know someone has to fall down.  That's all I know.

70th minute: I just learned that the World Cup trophy has "no specific value" but FIFA says it's "worth as much as the Mona Lisa, in it's way".  Umm, what?

72nd minute: This is the part of the game when both teams get pretty tired, which leads to lots of fouls and cards and stuff, and not a lot of action.  This brings me to another question.  Soccer's substitution rules.  They make no sense to me.  Soccer people are always bitching about what a work out playing a game of soccer is.  I don't believe them, but let's say that's true.  Why so restrictive with the substitution rules?  You only get three all game.  Wouldn't games be better if the best players could get a little rest like every other team sport allows?

Fun Germany fact: There are no fun Germany facts.  There's nothing fun about Germany.

80th minute: Germany just did a bunch of things right around Argentina's goal, but nothing came of it.  Lots of passing and almost shooting.  Soccer teams are a lot like hockey teams with bad power play units.  You just keep wishing they'd shoot.

82nd minute: Germany are starting to look a little punchy.  Argentina are currently looking pretty tired.  Somebody get them some orange slices.

84th minute: Ian just said Brazil did a good job preparing for the World Cup.  I mean, yeah, except for that thing that collapsed and killed a few people.  But hey, if you want to make an omelet...right?

85th minute: I could go for an omelet right now.

86th minute: The Argentinian player who just came out ran 9.71km in about 85 minutes.  You could briskly walk that distance in 85 minutes.  Tell me again why soccer is supposedly so hard.  Is it because sometimes they have to kick a thing.  That doesn't seem that hard.

93rd minute: Extra time.  Why soccer, why?  If you're not familiar, extra time is two 15-minute periods, and no sudden death, which I continue to find puzzling for such a low scoring sport.  Then, if no one scores (and usually no one does) they go to penalty kicks.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks is like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest.  It makes no sense.

91st minute: The Germans just had a fantastic chance.  The Argentinian keeper just earned his money.  I think.  Do they get paid for this?  Maybe not.  Well, he earned his whatever it is he gets for this.

93rd minute: The Germans are really good at getting back on defense.  It looks like Argentina have a break with numbers, and then five Germans just sort of show up.

96th minute: The Brazilian crowd appears to be attending a theme party.  The theme?  Silly hats.

97th minute: Excellent chance for Argentina.  The player sort of chipped the ball over the German keeper, but then also past the net.

99th minute: These keepers routinely punt the ball 70+ yards.  It led me to wonder why 30 of them aren't punters for NFL teams, but I think Europe pays soccer keepers more than America pays punters.

103rd minute: This is getting terrible.  A few days ago Germany soccered the shit out of Brazil.  Today they can't even score once.  If both teams agree, can we just do penalty kicks now?

105th minute: There's a German player on the ground.  He got kicked in the shin and fell on his arm, and now he's holding his face for some reason.

106th minute: For the record, Ian and Macca both completely agree with me about deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks, so there.

109th minute: A German player just got punched in the face, unintentionally I guess, so it's not worth a yellow card.  He's bleeding quite a bit though.  Most of the other yellow card things today seemed unintentional too.  I'm still pretty confused.

110th minute: Two guys just smacked their heads together.  Accidental as well, according to Macca.

113th minute: The Germans are all over the referee right now.

113th minute: Ian just described somebody as "full of running" and then GOALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! 1-0 Germany!  Scored by "Super" Mario Gotze (apparently pronounced Gertza).  That just sort of happened, nice play.

115th minute: Shots of Argentinian children crying in the crowd.  Why do you hate children Germany?

116th minute: According to Ian and Macca, scoring the equalizer for Argentina is 100% Messi's responsibility.  So he's the Lebron of Argentina, is what I'm hearing (obligatory Lebron reference completed, just in time too).

119th minute: Let's just say Ian and Macca don't love Argentina's chances right now.

122nd minute: Free kick for Messi.  Not a big deal.  Just one chance to kick the ball into the net from about 30 yards away to prevent his entire country from being crushed.  He literally kicked the ball 15 feet over the net.  Macca described it as "slightly selfish".  Macca is pretty catty sometimes.

Well, there you have it.  Germany wins.  Poland can rest easy, for now.  Adios soccer!  See you in 2018, in Russia, because FIFA.

The Last Straw (AKA Robot Bees)

Hey there.  Soooo....I completely stopped blogging for a while, for like 5 months.  Why?  Well, two reasons really.  First of all, sometimes I get so sick of myself that I just want to shoot me in the face.  I needed a break from putting the nonsense in my head into internet words.  Secondly, I almost completely stopped paying attention to political news.  Why?  Well, two more reasons.

First of all, I recently got a DVR.  It's the best TV related thing I've experienced since I discovered The West Wing.  Not only can I pause and rewind TV shows, which is perfect for me because I constantly stop paying attention to things I'm doing, even when I'm interested in them.  I regularly rewind something more than once because I'm genuinely interested in it but somehow my mind still wanders during it and I miss it.  I definitely would have been diagnosed with ADHD if I had been born 10 years later.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah, not only can I pause and rewind TV shows, but I can also record shows and watch them later.  Which means I can record the Daily Show and Colbert and @midnight and then I can watch them the next day when I get home from work, which means no more early evening Fox or MSNBC. 

More importantly, I literally couldn't take it anymore.  I've made this complaint before, but it's worth repeating.  Fox's 5PM slot has really gone downhill.  Glenn Beck was hilarious and genuinely entertaining.  As you might have guessed, putting a barely coherent lunatic on TV for an hour a day turned out to be a pretty solid programming idea.  In contrast, Fox's new 5PM show answers the burning question "what do morons think about everything?".  It's so stupid and because there are five of them, it's cluttered and not even really entertaining.  I think if you just gave Eric Bolling an hour to rant, he'd reach Beckian levels of insanity pretty quickly.  Unfortunately, his current show always provides someone to cut him off before he really gets going. 

The other thing with Fox is they have absolutely become the boy who cried Obama.  In Fox's universe, President Obama is engulfed in so many scandals he's making Watergate look like the Teapot Dome scandal (gotta love a Warren G. Harding reference...also, as far as I can tell, the Teapot Dome scandal is now what we call "lobbying").  The timing of the VA scandal couldn't be better because it's like Fox is challenging their viewers..."there's a real scandal in here somewhere...can you find it?...we bet you can't!". 

Meanwhile, MSNBC has gone round the bend.  I tuned into MSNBC one night this week and I caught a little of Chris Hayes' show.  I generally think of Chris Hayes as a reasonable fellow.  What was Chris talking about...this week...which is in June?  Chris Christie and a bridge.  I'm not kidding.  Actually I think he was talking about Chris Christie and a Skyway, which is sort of like a bridge but over land I guess.  So, as far as I can tell, MSNBC has been talking about Chris Christie and bridges (and skyways, and maybe tunnels) for six months now, only stopping to remind us of what a great President they think Hillary Clinton would be.

Quick detour...is Hillary Clinton out of touch with regular people?  Of-fucking-course she is.  She's spent almost all of the last 22 years being First Lady, a Senator, a Presidential candidate and a Cabinet Secretary.  If you HALO dropped Hillary Clinton into a working class neighborhood she'd be like a Star Trek away team member on a strange planet..."Captain, I see people getting their own coffee.  It's like they don't even know what a personal assistant is.  And I see cars driving around without an important person riding in the back seat.  Oh god!  Did they kill all the important people?!?  Get me out of here!".  It isn't her fault, it doesn't make her a bad person, it's just the way it is.

So what brought me back?  What sucked me back into cable news and got me to log back in to my dormant blog?  It was the President.  This President that I've mostly defended over the last six years.  This President who I've always stuck by.  I stuck by him when he ruthlessly insisted on giving more people access to health care.  I stuck by him when he tried to talk about gun control after some asshole shot a bunch of kids, even though we all know mass shootings are about literally everything but guns.  I consistently stick by him when he continues to reference god and jesus even though we all know he's an atheist.  I've stuck by him even as he continues to insist upon being black, even though the Republicans have made it clear that they are very uncomfortable with that.  He's so mean to them.  But I hung in there because I like Barack Obama and I think he's smart, and I kept hanging in there...until now. 

Look at this CNN story.  Look at it!
http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/22/politics/honey-bees-protection/

That's right, Barack Hussein Obama wants to protect bees!  He's in the pocket of big insect!  Now I understand that it's hard to resist the bee lobby.  They don't even bribe you, they just sting you until you do what they want.  But that's still no excuse.  I elected Barack Obama to make the tough choices and not give in to political pressure or bee stinging pressure.  Save the bees?  Ugh, no wonder Republicans are talking more about impeachment these days. 

I can already hear you liberally whining about pollination and the food chain.  I have a solution for that.  Two words...robot bees.  Put tens of thousands of Americans to work building billions of robot bees which can be programmed to pollinate stuff while also not stinging everyone.  Or at least not stinging me, I don't really care what they do to the rest of you. 

Meanwhile, some nerd scientists can get to work on figuring out what's killing the bees so we can weaponize it and kill all the other insects.  They're sneaky and some of them can fly, and they can also be replaced by robots if they do anything useful.  Stop shaking your head at me, you know this is a good idea. 

So listen, I'm just going to say this, and if everyone in America wants to get behind me and turn it into a big national movement, I think that would be pretty great.  In the 2016 election, I promise my vote to any candidate from any party who is willing to play god and replace all of the insects with tiny robots programmed to not bother us (note: offer not valid for Rick Santorum).  We can call our group the Bee Party.  Who's with me?

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 3

Before we start, just a quick note about pointless outdoor hockey.  Pointless outdoor hockey is pointless.  I like the Winter Classic.  It saves me from having to pretend to care about college football for three hours every New Years Day.  But like most things that happen once a year, once is enough.  I don't need random extra outdoor games.  I don't need the Rangers having to play outdoors twice in four days.  I definitely don't need an attempted outdoor hockey game in Los Angeles. 

Gary Bettman understands that ice is an important part of ice hockey, right?  And he also understands that ice is cold, right?  To be fair, I'm frequently confused by things that the NHL thinks are good ideas, like wearing dark uniforms at home, or having multiple Florida based teams.  Still, the stadium series seems particularly stupid and while I'm sure they made some extra money, I don't care about that a lot.

OK, let's get started...no wait, one more quick note on the stadium series.  The announcers have been intolerable.  It's like the only instruction NBC gave them for doing a hockey game at a baseball stadium was "Use a lot of baseball words, but use them to describe hockey things...people will love that shit."  I do not love that shit.  OK I'm done now.

Welcome to part 3 of my epic three part NHL uniform manifesto.  If you missed the first two parts, you really should go read them (Part 1 and Part 2) because without the first two parts, part 3 is just nonsense. 

10. New Jersey Devils
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 29

The Devils added black to their color profile a while ago, which is perfectly fine, but they also subtracted green, which is less fine.  Wouldn't the Devils look pretty great in green alternates with red and black trim?  I say yes.  Meanwhile, the logo looks nice at first glance, but the fact that the devil horns and tail don't fit in the circle has always bothered me.

The first impression score for New Jersey was a real roller coaster.  I've always hated watching the Devils play, because they've always been incredibly boring.  But on the other hand, I've sat literally three feet from the Devils' bench at the Nassau Coliseum on multiple occasions, and that was a shitload of fun.  Shitload of fun trumps neutral zone trap, so big points for first impression, but it wasn't easy. 

9. New York Rangers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 9
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 30

Another emotional battle on first impression.  My mom likes the Rangers, but my grandmother taught me to be an Islander fan.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have been a model of mediocrity for as long as I can remember, and have never been that fun to watch.  The tie breaker here was a Ranger game I went to in college, or maybe grad school.  The song they play when the Rangers score is one of the most fun sports things I've ever seen.

Everything else about the Rangers is great, except, once again, a darker shade of blue is ruining my life.  The blue on the regular home jerseys is borderline tolerable, but the alternate is even darker.  How good would the Rangers look in a red alternate?  Another missed opportunity, and another jersey ruined by inexplicable dark blue.  Having said all that, the Rangers' jerseys are undeniably classic and almost landed the first 10 I've given out, but not quite, because, to be honest, I just don't like them very much.

8. St. Louis Blues
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 8
Total - 32

I wanted a Brett Hull Blues jersey so much at one point when I was a kid, and I'm like 99% sure my parents got me one.  How dare the Blues change those jerseys?!?  And they added a DARKER BLUE alternate?  I know St. Louis' trend isn't as bad as some other teams that got higher scores, but I'm so mad at them right now that I don't care.

Setting that aside for a second, I generally like the Blues' jerseys.  I think St. Louis was victimized more by the new Reebok uniforms than anyone else, but that's not entirely the team's fault.  Meanwhile, blue and gold are always a solid combo and I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of the blue note logo.  I'm not sure if Blues makes a lot of sense for St. Louis, but it just sort of sounds right. 

7. New York Islanders
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 39

OK, let's start with the good stuff.  The Islanders are my childhood team.  All of my early hockey memories are Islander memories, and they're mostly good.  On top of that, out of all the possible color schemes, I think blue and orange might be my favorite.  Islanders might be a little too close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for my taste, but I'm giving them a pass on the lazy name because the logo is really nice and looks great on a jersey.  High marks all around for the regular Islander jerseys, which may very well have come in at #1 overall it wasn't for...

...those alternates.  Here are just some of the problems with the Islander alternates, aside from just being incredibly ugly:
1) Every time they're wearing the offending alternates, they aren't wearing their awesome regular jerseys.
2) Where did the weird grey/silver come from?
3) They never bothered designing alternate helmets, so they still wear the regular blue home helmets with the alternates and it looks ridiculous. 
4) Even the Islanders don't exactly know what color their alternates are.  I've heard the announcers who do the Islander games discussing whether they're black or very dark blue.
5) Of all the teams who should be doing a third jersey in their third color, the Islanders top the list.  The Islanders' third jersey should just be the regular home jersey with the blue and orange inverted. 

I could go on and on and on and on.  The Islanders lost at least one point in every category because of these monstrosities.  I can't stand them.  I literally turn off Islander games when I see them wearing the alternates.  I understand why people still talk about the Islanders' mid-90s fisherman uniforms, but these are honestly 100 times worse.  The fisherman wasn't even the problem on those, it was the new colors and the strange wavy lines.  I wouldn't even mind black alternates in the same design as the regular uniforms...ugh, I need to move on.

6. Toronto Maple Leafs
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 40

Toronto is the first team to score full marks in any category, and they did it twice!  I know a classic uniform when I see one, and the Maple Leafs, I mean, I almost gave them an 11 for classicyness.  Logo/Mascot is just as good.  The logo looks great on the jerseys and Maple Leafs is just perfect.  It's basically saying "Hi, we're from Canada, eh", but in team moniker form.  Just terrific. 

Normally I would be a little more negative on the color scheme.  Blue and white isn't exactly lighting the world on fire, but the Maple Leafs date back to like 1917.  The world only had like 5 colors back then, using three of them would have been selfish. 

First impression is really the only weak score.  I've been watching hockey for about 34 years now, and I can't ever remember Toronto being good, or fun to watch, or generating any real reaction from me at all except for the occasional "hey, they're from Canada, that's fun!"  But even that response is muted.  Toronto is the least Canada-y of all the Canadian hockey cities.  They even have an NBA team.

5. Edmonton Oilers
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 41

Hey, speaking of blue and orange, it's the Oilers!  High marks all around, including an 8 for trend as a reward for correcting some mistaken adventures in the late 90s.  I think the logo is my favorite part (well, that and the orange), I'm not sure why, I just sort of like it.  You also have to remember that the Oilers were very fun to watch for a long time, even if they're a little very very bad now.  Plus, they're from Edmonton, which is fun.

Edmonton didn't finish 1st, because I have to be fair about all of this, but they're probably my favorite set of uniforms.  I really can't complain about anything, although I certainly wouldn't mind an orange alternate in Edmonton.  I can live without it though. 

4. Boston Bruins
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 42

The Bruins make me smile, and talk about classicyness!  The Bruins just look like a hockey team.  I'm not crazy about black and gold as a color scheme, but Boston uses it about as correctly as possible.  And those logos are just fantastic.  Who could argue with the spoked B?

As much as I love the spoked B, I had to take one point off for logo/mascot because, well, I don't think they have a lot of bears around Boston.  I live about two hours away.  The woods around my apartment building have deer, raccoons, skunks and possibly coyotes (I don't believe it, but people in my building swear they've seen coyotes)...no bears though.

I took the most points off color scheme and trend for some failed experiments in alternates, as well as some improper use of the color scheme.  Children, what have we learned about third jerseys when a team has three colors in its profile?  That's right, the third jersey should be the third color.  I'd prefer it if Boston would just skip the alternates altogether, they don't need them.  But if they insist on having one, it needs to be yellow.  Most egregious though, was Boston's ill-fated attempt at an alternate logo.  You know how I feel about that.

3. Detroit Red Wings
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 10
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 45

I have no idea what a Red Wing is, but the winged wheel logo is so perfect for Detroit that I literally don't care.  And Detroit was another almost 11 for classicyness.  The biggest change to the Red Wings' uniform in the last 80 years appears to have been centering the logo.  As far as I can tell, the Red Wings have never even attempted an alternate, and why would they?  That kind of loyalty earns you a 10 for trend. 

The two color scheme is the only thing keeping Detroit out of the top slot.  Well, that and the fact that I've never really liked watching the Red Wings that much.  I'm not sure why, but I think maybe they were just really bad for a while when I was a kid.  They got better, but my brain had already permanently filed them in the blah category by then.

2. Montreal Canadians
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 8
Trend: 9
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

Montreal actually tied for first, and you would think the tie would go to the Canadian team, but they're French Canadian so that doesn't really count.  Having said that, I love Montreal's uniforms.  The red, white and blue color scheme makes perfect sense for French Canada and the logo is super cool.  Like Detroit, Montreal hasn't even bothered with alternates and, again, why would they? 

Montreal lost some trend points for screwing around a little bit more than Detroit, but not that much more.  And the color scheme, while it does make perfect sense, is a little boring and not my favorite.  Still, a tie for first is nothing to be ashamed of. 

1. Chicago Blackhawks
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 9
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

I gave Chicago a pass on the whole "is the mascot insensitive?" question because I honestly don't think it is.  On a 1-10 scale of insensitivity, 1 being completely non-offensive and 10 being Washington Redskins (which, in my mind, is basically the same thing as calling a team the Washington Black People...or worse), I'd put Blackhawks at a tepid 1.5.  No warrior stereotypes, no ridiculous references to skin color, just Blackhawks and a happy looking mascot with some feathers in his hair.  You can be offended if you want, I'm not. 

But here's why Chicago wins.  I gave Detroit and Montreal big points for not screwing around with alternates since their regular uniforms are so great, so for Chicago to try an alternate is a real high wire act, and they pulled it off.  Chicago's alternates were either throwbacks (which I didn't love but are clearly acceptable) or a perfect copy of their regular uniforms, only in their third color.  That's all I've been asking for this whole time, and even though Chicago dumped those alternates and went back to just two jerseys, it was great while it lasted, and that's why Chicago wins.

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 2

Welcome back for part 2 of my three part NHL uniform manifesto.  Part one was the bottom third, so aside from a few bright spots, everything was pretty much terrible.  As we get into the second group, I won't need to spend as much time thinking of synonyms for the word atrocious, and we'll actually be looking at some decent jerseys before the end of part 2.  If you haven't read part 1, you'll want to go back and check it out for descriptions of the categories and also because that's a third of the whole thing and why would you skip it?

20. Philadelphia Flyers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

The Flyers are easily the biggest disappointment on the list.  Anyone who knows my feelings about uniforms, and colors in general, knows that I'm a sucker for orange.  And the Flyers have so much orange.  And yet, when I look at the Flyers' jerseys, I feel nothing but disappointment.  First of all, the orange on the home jerseys doesn't have a border, it just crashes recklessly into the white on the shoulders and sleeves and sucks all the goodness out of the orange.  The away jerseys are a little better, but the white jerseys from the 80's were even better-er.  And then there's the weird nameplates.  Why do you have to be special Philadelphia?? 

Nothing makes me angrier than squandering orange, and it's too bad, because there's a lot to like here.  The logo is cool, and I don't know what a flyer is, but it sounds fun.  Philadelphia also corrected the mistake of going completely away from orange jerseys for a while.  If I was writing this in 2001, this section would be filled with bad words.  You had orange jerseys and you voluntarily gave them away?  Are you monsters?  Still, a spot in the bottom half is so disappointing for the team that features more orange than anyone else.  It didn't have to be this way Philadelphia.

19. Buffalo Sabres
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 7
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

Kudos to the Sabres for going back to their really nice classic logo, and for going almost all the way back to their classic look.  But, once again, the lure of a darker blue has ruined an otherwise perfectly good uniform.  What is it about navy blue that teams like so much?  Can they not see how much worse it is than regular blue?  I can see it, and it makes me sad.

Buffalo gets effort points for attempting a yellow alternate this year, but they also lose plenty of points for the troubling execution of said alternates.  Those yellow alternates could be great, but in reality they are horrifying.  Everything is wrong.  The oddly thick white border between the yellow and the navy blue, the fact that the navy blue is still there, the fact that the front is yellow but the back is still blue.  They look like the kind of uniform I would have drawn and sent into a Sports Illustrated for Kids contest when I was six.  This is especially egregious since the previous alternates were actually pretty nice.  What a mess.

18. Minnesota Wild
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: -1
Total - 24

Look, you can name your team after anything.  Things, animals, weather phenomena.  I'll even accept random words that only mean something in your state (I don't know what a Hoosier is, but I'm positive people in Indiana do).  What I will not tolerate is a team name that is clearly an adjective.  Don't try to tell me that it's a noun referring to the wild of Minnesota.  The word for that is wilderness, and if you think Minnesota Wilderness is a stupid team name, then you should understand that Minnesota Wild is even stupider.  To be honest, -1 was generous.

This mess with the logo/mascot is a real shame because I like everything else Minnesota is doing.  The colors are nice (red and green, but not Christmasy) and the uniforms look pretty cool, especially for a newer team.  The alternates are a little dull, but I still kind of like them.  And it's just nice to have a team back in Minnesota.  So much to like, but if you name your team the Wild, 18th is about the best you can do.

17. Colorado Avalanche
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 25

Like Lightning, Avalanche is a fun team name and I imagine avalanches happen pretty frequently in Colorado.  And even if they don't, they do in my imagination and that's all that really matters.  The logo is halfway decent too.  I mean, it isn't great, but I'll take it.  I'll also take the alternate jersey, since it follows my simple philosophy that states "if you're going to have a third jersey, it should really be a third color".  Speaking of color, I don't love the burgundy, but I don't hate it either.

Colorado suffered in classicyness for stealing the Quebec team, and those Nordiques uniforms were pretty sweet, but Colorado should have a hockey team too, so they didn't get penalized as much as some of the other thieves on the list.  One bonus first impression point for being the jersey Ray Bourque finally won a Stanley Cup in.

16. Pittsburgh Penguins
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 25

Pittsburgh is a team on a slow downward trend.  They corrected the logo mistake they made in the early 90's, but the new, uglier gold they're using is a problem.  The old brighter yellow/gold really went toe to toe with the black.  This new gold just sort of hides behind it.  The Penguins also appear to have dumped those perfectly pleasant light blue alternates.  Boooo!

To be fair though, Pittsburgh's uniforms still have a lot of charm.  The penguin logo is really fun and even though the gold isn't as good as it used to be, black and gold is still a solid combination.  Plus, the Penguins have almost always been fun to watch, so that's nice.

15. Calgary Flames
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 25

I know what you're going to say.  Flames makes no sense for Calgary and I should be angrier about that.  You have to remember two things.  1) The visual of a giant flaming C over the coat of snow that I assume covers Calgary 365 days a year is fun and 2) shut up.  Calgary also gets a bonus first impression point for being a Canadian team that was stolen from an American city where hockey is pointless.  We've tried Atlanta twice now, that should really be enough.

I let the Flames off easy on trend because I'm generally a fan of adding a little black to uniforms, but this particular addition of black destroyed a work of art.  I loved the Flames' old uniforms.  Loved 'em.  I think it's the black logo on the home uniform that really gets me.  Where have you seen a black flame?  Where??  Nowhere, that's where.  Red and bright gold were such a good team for Calgary, why mess with greatness?  And then they brought back the old design as an alternate just to take it away again.  It's just depressing, let's move on.

14. San Jose Sharks
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 26

Sharks always make a good mascot, and apparently they have something to do with the San Jose area, so that's solid all the way around.  I don't love the teal, but kudos to the Sharks for trying something a little different.  And, again, when your third jersey is a third color, that's going to earn you some points.

I read on the internet that the Sharks changed their uniforms for this season to have less stuff on them because reducing the amount of stuff on the jerseys would make them lighter and improve the team's performance.  I have no idea if that's true, but if the story is true, you have to commend the Sharks for employing the most creative nonsense I've seen in any jersey history.  Kudos.

13. Dallas Stars
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 27

Stars for Dallas.  I don't love it, I don't hate it.  But why can't they be the Lone Stars?  Like all the other thieves, Dallas lost classicyness points for stealing a team from a better hockey city, but Minnesota has a new team now and while the old North Stars uniforms were terrific in their own way, they weren't my favorite. 

Big trend points for Dallas.  This franchise has had some real adventures in uniforms since moving from Minnesota, but I really think they have something with the new uniforms this year.  I like the green, and while it's a little simple for my taste, Texans are pretty simple, so it's a good fit.

12. Nashville Predators
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 27

If I'm going to penalize Pittsburgh for going from a nice bright gold to a dull and boring gold, then I have to reward the Predators for moving in the opposite direction.  Nashville's first attempt at yellow jerseys was really more of a mustard, yuck.  But a few years ago Nashville showed up with the brightest, most blinding jerseys in the league, and I'm a fan.  I don't even mind that Nashville's blue is sort of a navy blue, because you can't really see it anyway.

Logo/mascot was a struggle here.  I like Predators as a team name, I really do, but what is that on the logo?  Is that a saber-toothed tiger?  You know those are extinct, right?  I would also like to meet the person who thought "You know where we should put a hockey team?  Tennessee!" and the guy who responded to that thought with "Yes! You are so right about that!"

11. Los Angeles Kings
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 28

Sometime in the late 80's, the Kings went from Lakers colors (makes perfect sense, identify your new hockey team with the town's most successful franchise) to Raiders colors (umm, what?).  I don't mind silver and black, but the nomadic Raiders aren't even in LA anymore, and it's not like nobody saw that coming.  The Kings silver and black uniforms are perfectly adequate, but purple and gold is just fun, and everyone knows royalty wears purple.

Recently, the Kings have introduced a new alternate jersey that looks a lot like their old purple and gold deals, and I'm obviously a big fan.  This helped them a lot with what would have otherwise been a pretty weak trend score, and bumped classicyness up to average as well.  I should have deducted points for stealing Wayne Gretzky from Canada, but I didn't because I never really liked Gretzky that much so I care very little about this.

That's it for part 2.  Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion when we cover all three New York area teams (including the worst alternate uniforms in the history of uniforms, colors and vision) and we find out who's #1.