Last Exit

Tonight's State of the Union address is basically the last exit on the politics highway before the bridge to the 2016 election.  Official announcements will start soon (Barack Obama announced in February 2007) and once one serious candidate announces, everything after that is about the election.  That's not to say this speech will have nothing to do with the 2016 election, but it's the last big political thing that isn't entirely about the 2016 election.  So, if you hate elections, this is pretty much it for you.

I watched most of the pre-speech coverage on MSNBC, just out of nostalgia for when they used to actually be a news network, but I managed to switch to Fox long enough to witness O'Reilly and John Stossel having a fair and balanced debate about whether or not the President (and his wife, for some reason) are true believers in socialism or if they're just dirty liars about it for political gain.  Bill thinks they're true believers.  I think Stossel's point was that it doesn't matter because what they want to do won't work either way.  Glad to see Fox hasn't changed.  Bill teased his next segment, which was about how you're not allowed to criticize Beyonce.  The inside of Bill's mind must be terrifying.

I switched to CNN for five seconds and their breaking news at the bottom of the screen was that Barack Obama was going to leave the White House.  Not that he had left the White House, but that he was going to.  Glad CNN figured that out for us.  I have to go back to MSNBC now because I just feel sad for CNN.  It's like how old baseball writers always talk about Willie Mays limping around in a Mets' uniform.  I don't want to remember you this way CNN!

I almost decided not to do this again this year, and after just about 20 minutes of cable news I'm already regretting my decision to do it.  We had better just get started.

8:53PM - 6 of the 9 Supreme Court justices just walked in.  The other three are apparently way too busy and can't be bothered with this kind of nonsense.  I'd like to criticize them for being childish and petty, but I think if I was a Supreme Court justice I'd want to be one of the justices who's too cool for the State of the Union.

8:57PM - I swear I just saw Paul Ryan do the John Cena "you can't see me" gesture.  You probably think that's ridiculous and there's no way it happened, but I know what I saw.

8:59PM - Rachel Maddow on the Supreme Court: "They're all wicked old".  Did someone give Rachel a "be less smart and more folksy" note at some point?  You're from Massachusetts, we get it.

9:00PM - MSNBC just gave us a 6 second shot of a pencil on a desk.  Apparently Congress will be waiving them to express support for freedom of expression.  Congress is super into freedom of expression, as long as you're mocking gods they don't really believe in.

9:06PM - Here comes the Prez.  I would love to see the President just walk in and not shake any hands one year.  He could start the speech with "I'm here to give a speech, not shake hands with dumbasses".  These are the things that would entertain me.

9:11PM - We're starting with a quick recap of the first 15 years of the 21st century.  They've been....less than optimal.  But guess what everybody?!?  We're turning the page now!!!  YAY!!!

9:13PM - "Our combat mission in Afghanistan is over".  He added "I mean, ya know, sort of, for now at least".  Then he used the phrase "this 9/11 generation".  Can that not be a thing?  Please?

9:14PM - If you had "strong" for the state of the union, you win the pool.  If you had anything else, you really haven't watched one of these before, have you?

9:15PM - We just got a clear "woo" for "an economy where only a few of us do extremely well".  Who let Mitt in here?

9:17PM - The lady standing next to Michelle Obama is named Rebecca, and she's pretty adorable.  Apparently she goes to community college and her husband works in construction.  I'm not sure how that got her next to the First Lady at the State of the Union, but she seems super likable so it's fine I guess.

9:20PM - I had to switch to Fox because MSNBC's stupid real time polls are blocking the bottom third of the screen.  The question they're asking is "Do you agree with what the President is saying?"  What does that even mean?  He's mostly just stating facts right now.

9:21PM - The title of this section of speech would most accurately be "I fixed the economy and if you idiots try to pass something that will break it again I will veto the shit out of that bill".

9:22PM - "We need to set our sets higher than making sure that government doesn't just screw things up".  You gotta walk before you run though, right?  Can we try not screwing things up first and see how it goes?

9:23PM - Rebecca's kids are named Jack and Henry.  Jack is a solid name.  I'm not wild about Henry, but I think it works in Minnesota.

9:25PM - George W. Bush left hundreds of post-its with Presidenting advice lying around the White House.  The one Barack actually listened to?  Call people folks a lot.  Folks love when you call them folks.

9:27PM - Obama says child care isn't a "women's issue", it's a national economic priority.  The Republicans seem to disagree.  They aren't big fans of paid sick leave either, and don't even get them started on equal pay for women.

9;29PM - We've reached the point in the night when Democrats applaud loudly for raising the minimum wage and Republicans try hiding under their desks.

9:31PM - The President is talking about better job training for American workers.  I know for a fact that he told Joe Biden to take care of that during last year's speech.  Great job Biden!  You suck so hard!

9:32PM - The President wants to lower the cost of community college to $0.  Republicans are a no on that for some reason.  I'm a no on that too, because I work at a non-community college and I need money to buy food.  I feel like free community college might impact my earning power a bit.  Do all the Republicans work at non-community colleges too?  I never see them at conferences.

9:34PM - Wait, now the President says Biden did do some hard work on job training.  Well then why isn't it fixed yet?  What else is Biden doing?

9:36PM - We seem to be in the middle of a multi-part economic plan.  You know what voters love more than anything?  Multi-part economic plans.  Just ask Mitt Romney, or John Kerry.

9:39PM - Seamless transition from curing cancer to protecting a free and open internet.  I feel like both of those things are important, but one is clearly more important.

9:40PM - He just did a solid minute on the space program.  Just because Congress is too stupid to understand the space program doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't get to have one.  He should have said that.  Why can't I write for the President?

9:43PM - Uh oh.  It's foreign policy time.  Everybody get your spare pair of pants ready.

9:45PM - Looks like the pencil waiving was isolated to one lady.  I couldn't tell for sure from the camera angle, but that's what it looked like.

9:46PM - Every time one of these guys talks about supporting the moderate opposition in Syria I'm compelled to ask this question.  Have we just not been writing things down for the last 50 years?  Is it not possible for us to access the history of what happens when we back the lesser of two evils in an unstable country in the middle east?  What could possibly convince us that it will work out great this time?

9:48PM - On Cuba "when what you're doing doesn't work for 50 years, it's time to try something new".  Marco Rubio countered "Oh come on!  Just like 20 more years and I swear it'll work!"

9:50PM - The President sure has said the word veto a lot tonight.  This is going to be a feisty couple of years.  And by feisty, I mean gridlocked and pointless.

9:52PM - Biden and Boehner look positively frosty tonight.  I'm assuming they were taking turns insulting each other's moms and then Biden took it too far because you're not supposed to call Boehner's mom fat because she has a glandular problem and it's NOT FUNNY!

9:54PM - On climate change, the President says it's OK if you're not a scientist, you just have to listen to scientists.  But what about that one scientist Fox News found who says climate change isn't real and that opinion has nothing to do with the six figure consulting fee he gets from the coal lobby?  What about him???

9:57PM - "It's time to close GTMO".  Yeah, but we're not going to, sooo....

10:00PM - I feel like openly arguing with political pundits during the State of the Union address is a misguided effort.

10:02PM - Standing ovation from Democrats for same-sex marriage.  Look at them growing some balls once the polls show a position is overwhelmingly popular.  I can't wait for Hillary Clinton to tell me again how she evolved.

10:03PM - I think seven years in is a little late for "a better politics" and "appealing to common decency".  I don't know if you heard buddy, but there's an election coming up.  There will be no decency.

10:06PM - Hey!  I haven't seen Cory Booker once tonight.  Is it maybe because he's too busy buying plane tickets to Iowa?  Booker 2016!

10:07PM - "I have no more campaigns to run...I know because I won both of them".  For the 100th time, condescending and sarcastic Obama is by far my favorite Obama.

10:10PM - Coming in for a landing and we go back to Rebecca one more time.  I'm a big fan of Rebecca.

While we wait for one of the five (you heard me) Republican responses, here's a quick list of things that seemed to mostly get left out of the speech, except for maybe a vague reference (I apologize if I'm wrong about any of these, I admit I drifted away a couple of times):

-Wall Street reform
-Gun control
-Police shooting unarmed citizens
-The fact that it's 2015 and we don't have hoverboards yet
-Al Qaeda
-Russia

I actually give the President some credit for the last one.  Hard to resist kicking Putin while he's down.

I mentioned five Republican responses.  I'll be watching the official Republican response from Joni Ernst, which I'm not looking forward to.  There will also be one from the tea people, one in Spanish, one from Rand Paul and one from Ted Cruz.  Rand can get away with that because nobody agrees with Rand on everything and he can only really represent himself.  Cruz is just a malignant narcissist.
So, Joni Ernst started by first pointing out that while we may not always agree, it's good to hear other points of view.  I see she was in the debate club in high school.  Then, she openly admitted that she has no interest in actually responding to the President's speech, which is annoying because what she's doing is literally called a response, but it's also refreshing, because at least she's admitting it.

Joni Ernst only had one good pair of shoes growing up.  It's a good old-fashioned Republican poor-off!  Later Ted Cruz will tell you about his great-grandpa who was a turd miner in Cuba.

Apparently Republicans are going to start calling the Keystone pipeline the Keystone jobs bill.  Shit that's good.  Damn you Frank Luntz!

Give Joni Ernst some real credit.  Giving a nationally televised speech while staring directly into the camera in an empty room after the other guy just gave his speech in a huge and full room is a crappy job, and I'd say she did it pretty well.  She's a Republican, so a lot of what she said was silly nonsense, but still, she said it pretty well.

Another Round

You have to think the President is getting bored with this whole State of the Union thing.  You know at least once in the last week he sarcastically asked someone if he really has to do this every year.  I suggest he try breaking it up a little with some insult comedy:

"Good evening everybody...look at you weirdos.  I kid, I kid, but seriously folks, it's great to be here.  Paul Ryan's here tonight, give him a hand everybody.  Man looks like a muppet!  Haha, I kid Paul.  And Nancy Pelosi is here.  Nancy, why are you giving me the crazy eyes?  Oh that's right, that's just your face!  Zing!  I kid Nancy, she's the best..."

Here are some highlights from the pre-game:
1) Chris Matthews got through a whole sentence without saying the words Chris Christie.
2) Apparently there will be four Republican responses to tonight's speech.  Four.  Including one unsolicited response from Rand Paul on behalf of just Rand Paul.
3) Bill O'Reilly was yelling at someone.
4) Cory Booker arrived.  Booker 2016!!!

Most importantly, the President is going to announce that he's raising the minimum wage for government contractors.  That's fantastic.  You can't fix the whole economy by raising the minimum wage, and you certainly can't fix it by raising the minimum wage for just one group of people (though it is a big group), but the President, as the CEO of the federal government, is acting as a responsible employer.  Leadership by example, it's still a thing.

If the President is going to complain about Congress not doing anything (and I suspect he will continue to do that), then he has to be willing to do the things that he can do.  This is an example of a thing he can do and he deserves a lot of credit.  Especially since this wasn't some candy-ass 25 cents an hour raise. The minimum wage for government contractors is going up to $10.10 an hour.  That's not exactly ski trip money, but it might actually let people afford food every day.  I'm sure the Republicans will object.

And no, that isn't a cheap shot at Republicans.  If you oppose a raise in the comically low minimum wage while also supporting cuts to food stamps, then you don't give a shit about poor people being able to feed themselves.  Some things are really complicated, this isn't one of them.

9:04PM: The President's Cabinet has been entering the chamber for roughly 7 hours now.

9:05PM: Matthews says New York Congressman Peter King may run for President.  Please no.  I realize Peter King is what passes for a moderate Republican these days, but I promise you, he's still a crazy person.

9:06PM: By the way, I'm watching on MSNBC tonight just to see if they find ways to work Chris Christie into the actual speech.  I may switch over to CNN a few times just to check out whatever silly nonsense they're doing with graphics.

9:09PM: MSNBC has Al Sharpton on the pre-show panel, because that's necessary.  Also, it's 9:09PM and I'm still listening to the pre-show panel.  One year this speech is just going to be an hour and a half of people entering the chamber and then the Speaker saying goodnight.

9:10PM: Here comes the Prez!  Why is Eric Cantor always right behind him?  It makes me nervous.

9:11PM: The President is dishing out some pretty aggressive handshakes.  If you've got a hand, the President is going to shake it.

9:15PM: We started off with heart touching stories about hypothetical Americans doing hypothetical good things.  Today in America, the President stood up before Congress and said things that were probably true.

9:22PM: When the President says he's building ladders of opportunity into the middle class, that's not a metaphor.  Congress will only fund him for ladders, so the President is going to send you one and you can do whatever you want with it to try and make more money.

9:24PM: The President just spent a minute praising someone in the audience named Michelle Obama.  I wonder if he knows her.  I know a certain President who's getting laid tonight.

9:25PM:  Boehner isn't wearing an American flag pin!  Why isn't he being arrested and questioned?

9:26PM: Closing loopholes in the tax code you say?  Man, that's a great idea! Why hasn't anyone thought of that before?

9:27PM: The Republicans will clap for anything they don't have to do.

9:29PM: Did you know that small business owners are the greatest people in the history of the Universe?

9:30PM: Quick shot of David Vitter looking bored.  The State of the Union address is the longest amount of time each year that he has to go without a prostitute.

9:32PM: Biden and Boehner are exchanging fart jokes while the President talks about natural gas.

9:37PM: I swear I could watch Biden and Boehner for hours and never get bored.  The President just said he's appointing Biden to do something about job training.  Biden responded by looking at Boehner and shrugging his shoulders, then they both laughed about it.  What were they saying?  I have no idea, but I bet it was unintentionally hilarious.

9:38PM: After disarming everyone by mentioning Biden, the President quickly hammered Congress for cutting off long term unemployment insurance.  But the Congress has a good point here, unemployed people don't need money.  Food and housing are free, right?

9:43PM: The President points out that last year he asked Congress to make pre-K education available to everyone, and he's asking this year, because that shit didn't happen last year, and it isn't going to.  To be honest, I still don't see the appeal.  I think I learned to count in nursery school, but I suspect I would have figured that out on my own eventually.

9:46PM: "a mother deserves a day off to care for a sick child...and a father does too".  Look at the President being all gender inclusive and shit.  Next year he's going to try saying that line without it sounding like he almost forgot to add the part about the father and then just barely remembered it at the last second.

9:49PM: Here comes the part about raising the minimum wage.  This is such a no-brainer, but still only gets a sarcastic smirk from Boehner.  It's really a shame that both parties can't at least get together on this.  If you wonder why people are so cynical about government, this is a perfect example.  535 eight year olds could agree on raising the minimum wage, but that's only because there are no eight year old lobbyists....yet.

9:55PM: The President is openly challenging Republicans to come up with a health care reform idea of their own, and mocking their 40+ repeal votes.  Sarcastic and slightly mean Obama is by far my favorite Obama.

9:58PM: The President is in favor of calling your mom.  In about an hour, tea party Republican Mike Lee will tell you why calling your mom is an un-American part of the liberal feminazi agenda.

10:00PM: Congress will do anything they can to stop gun violence, as long as it doesn't in any way involve gun control.  I've come around to the sad conclusion that it's more likely Congress will fund buying a bullet-proof vest for every American than it is that they'll actually do something about guns, and I think the President has too.  He didn't hang around on gun control for too long.

10:03PM: Allow me to summarize the foreign policy part of every State of the Union since about 2002: "something something men and women in uniform...clap clap clap...ever vigilant...clap clap clap...ending whatever war we're currently fighting...clap clap clap...diplomacy...clap clap clap...nuclear and chemical weapons are bad...clap clap clap...Israel non sequitur...clap clap clap".

10:09PM: We seem overly concerned about Iran.  The President spent 15 seconds talking about gun violence in America, and half of that was Democrats clapping.  He spent at least 4 minutes talking about Iran.  Do you think Iran is 16 times more important then thousands of Americans being killed by other Americans?  I don't.

10:14PM: Republicans are all about helping veterans as long as they don't have to help them buy food.

10:16PM: I think we're coming in for a landing here, we've reached the touching human interest story part of the speech.  I'll give the President some credit though, he's not talking about some clown who opened a small business, he's talking about a veteran who appears to have had a hole blown in the side of his head.  Now that's a guy you point to during a speech!  That dude literally gave large pieces of himself for his country.  He got a two minute standing ovation.  Well deserved.

10:20PM: Chris Matthews immediately declared the speech "masterful".  Quick switch to Fox and the first word I heard from Charles Krauthammer was "embarrassing".  Cable news is fun.

10:26PM: I'm going to try and stick around for the Republican response, being given by Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers, who I have literally never heard of.  Apparently she's the highest ranking Republican woman in the House, so that's partially my bad.  But it's also partially MSNBC and Fox's bad because I watch a ton cable news and I've never once heard either network mention the highest ranking Republican woman in the House.

10:30PM: So far I've learned that Cathy McMorris Rodgers has three kids and used to work at McDonald's.  Not to be a dick, but if she was a dude would Fox feel the need to tell me how many kids she has?  Also, some guy on Fox just told me she's not the most polished speaker on Congress, which is sort of like when a guy gets picked in the NBA draft and the ESPN guys say he needs to work on his athleticism.

10:32PM: Brett Baier wouldn't shut up in time for Congresswoman Rodgers to start talking, so I missed her first sentence.  Didn't somebody tell her a man was still talking?

10:34PM: This is like some sort of middle-America nightmare speech.  I've already heard about apple picking and a county fair.

10:36PM: "Hi, I'm Cathy McMorris Rodgers and I apparently have no interest in actually responding to what the President just said so let me tell you my entire life story".

10:38PM: Republicans are working on a step by step immigration plan.  For those of you who aren't familiar with politics, that means doing all of the steps they want to do first and then forgetting about the other steps.

10:41PM: Hey, this lady seems perfectly reasonable.  Can somebody find out if she'd like to run for President?  Sure, she said god a lot, but so does every Republican.  In general, she seems not dumb and would definitely be a better option than Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio or Rand Paul.  The speech was sort of blah, but she was pretty solid.

OK, that's it.  This gets a little less fun every year, but that's only because nothing ever changes and we pretty much have the same problems every year, and that's not really my fault.

Poor Faulkner

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten dollar words.  I know them all right.  But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."

This sentiment from Hemingway is always appropriate for a big political speech.

This year's State of the Union comes without the usual pregame madness thanks to whatever the hell was going on in California.  I did learn that Bill O'Reilly doesn't believe in the death penalty.  Who knew?  The rest of it was mostly just video of a cabin burning down.  I'm just looking forward to the President awkwardly working this situation into his speech.

8:57PM: This is pretty fun.  The huge panels of bloviating jackasses the cable networks put together for tonight each got about three minutes to talk.  In order to understand why this is fun, you really have to understand how much these people enjoy being on television.  Don't be surprised if someone burns down a cable news studio later tonight.  Also, Blogger doesn't know how to spell bloviate.  Or maybe Blogger just noticed that I opened with that Hemingway line and is trying to point out my hypocrisy.  Listen, if I could write like Hemingway, I wouldn't need to use words like bloviate.

9:02PM: The Cabinet is very slowly and boringly making its way into the chamber.  Also, breaking news from CNN, the White House says this speech is going to be effective.  What a scoop!

9:05PM: Seriously though, I just noticed CNN has Newt Gingrich in the studio.  He's barely getting a word in.  I think his head's going to explode.  And when a head that big explodes, terrible things happen.

9:07PM: I'm starting to wonder if the President is coming.  If he knew Newt was talking on TV right now, I'm sure he'd jump in and stop it.

9:09PM: Newt's laugh is disturbingly creepy.  Oh, I miss the Republican primaries.  No Newt!  Don't go!

9:10PM: Here comes the Prez.  I keep saying they shouldn't let Biden and Boehner sit together.  They already look like they're up to something.

9:11PM: Lots of poorly executed mustaches in the crowd tonight.

9:14PM: People say Congress never does anything, but could you stand and clap for this long without a break?  Also, Biden and Obama appear to be wearing the same outfit #awkward

9:16PM: Lots of "does anyone know what Mitt Romney is doing right now?" jokes on Twitter.  Probably enjoying being filthy fucking rich and not having to deal with all this nonsense.  Mitt may have dodged a bullet in November.

9:18PM: Did you know we're buying less foreign oil than we have in 20 years?  Still quite a lot, but, you know, less.

9:18PM: "The state of our union is strong."  OK, goodnight folks.

9:19PM: Biden looks twitchy, Boehner looks pretty drunk.

9:20PM: "The American people don't expect us to solve every problem."  True, but solving one would be nice.  Just try one.

9:22PM: Apparently the sequester is a really bad idea.  Everyone seems to agree on that.  If only we could find all those people who voted to pass the sequester in the first place.  Ohhh, I bet the Prez and Mr. Boehner would like to have a word with those assholes.

9:25PM: "Already, the affordable care act is slowing the growth of health care costs."  Yeah, I'm not sure that's good enough.  Health care costs are skyrocketing on a slightly less steep trajectory.  Hooray for us!

9:27PM: We're wallowing in the deficit reduction portion of the speech right now.  The working title for this section around the White House was "all the shit that's never gonna happen".

9:29PM: In the last minute, only the Democrats have applauded for "less crises" and "paying our bills on time".  Tough crowd.

9:30PM: Biden cracks me up.  Obama just said Congress needs to pass the rest of his growth agenda, which caused Biden to laugh out loud.  I'd love to be texting with Biden right now..."Congress do something? OMFG! LOLZ!"

9:32PM: The Prez thinks we should invest in good ideas.  Also, Biden is inexplicably wearing glasses now.  Wait, now the glasses are gone.  Why is Biden doing costume changes?  Just sit still man!  VPs are the worst.

9:34PM: Obama says we can make progress on climate change while also fostering strong economic growth.  I wish he'd stop saying that.  Not everything has to make money.  When you try to pair fighting climate change with trying to make everything profitable, you get stupid ideas like cap and trade.  How about we fight climate change just for the sake of, ya know, not dying?

9:38PM: "Let's cut in half the energy wasted by our homes and businesses over the next 20 years".  Sure, why not?

9:39PM: Even the Republicans stood up and clapped for fixing bridges.  They're not going to vote for any funding for fixing bridges, but, philosophically, they like fixing bridges.

9:41PM: On passing some bill that's currently waiting in Congress.."what are we waiting for?".  Well, the Republicans are waiting for a less black President.  I'm not sure what everyone else is waiting for.

9:42PM: Obama is seamlessly transitioning from one topic to the other.  Climate change, then bridges, now education.  He's really pushing for funding for pre-school.  I don't know.  I remember pre-school mostly just being day care with some counting.

9:44PM: Apparently, German kids are ready to work right out of high school.  I probably could have worked in Germany right out of high school too.  I don't want to work in Germany.

9:45PM: Something about re-designing America's high schools.  No, not going to happen.

9:46PM: "Colleges must do their part to keep costs down".  He said that last year too.  That is definitely not going to happen.

9:47PM: Now we're on boarder security.  He's like a tornado of policy proposals.

9:49PM: The President wants Congress to send him a comprehensive immigration reform bill so he can sign it.  I'm mostly hearing that this is going to happen.  I predict the end result will be toothless and ineffective.

9:50PM: Great audience shot of some lady shaking her head in anger at the idea of equal pay for women.  It isn't easy being a Republican woman, but at least you get to hang out with all of those hot Republican guys.

9:52PM: Raise the minimum wage?  Yes please.  Well, yes please for me, no thank you for the Republicans.

9:53PM: Boehner looks super fidgety.  Someone give him a ball to play with.

9:55PM: "By the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over."  Kudos if he actually pulls that off.  I'm also glad to hear that we're going to spend plenty of time training and equipping the Afghan army that we will most likely be going to war with in about 25 years.

9:58PM: Chuck Grassley may or may not be asleep.  Also, Obama has successfully conditioned the Democrats to applaud whenever he pauses, no matter what he just said.

9:59PM: Even the lady who wouldn't clap for equal pay stood up and applauded for keeping Iran from getting nuclear weapons.  I wonder if she gets equal pay?  #hmmm

10:01PM: "today's world contains not just dangers, not just threats, but also opportunities".  He added, "opportunities to be endangered and threatened".

10:02PM: Did he say AIDS free generation?  I think he did.  That's sounds like a good idea.  Let's do that one.  Someone go find out why Magic Johnson is still alive!

10:05PM: Boehner just seriously sat there and refused to applaud for equal treatment for gay military members and equal benefits for their families.  What a dick.  These guys are so funny to me sometimes that I forget that they also spend a great deal of time being assholes.

10:08PM: About Newtown and gun control..."this time it's different".  Except not really and it's been two months and Congress still hasn't done anything.  But other than that, it's much different this time.

10:11PM: Republicans won't even applaud for voting on gun control laws.  If you were honestly against something and thought it was a bad idea, wouldn't you be all for stepping up and voting against it?

10:12PM: "they deserve a vote"...best section of a State of the Union speech I can remember in a while.  Well done Prez.

10:14PM: Hey look, that old lady voted. Way to get back to the silly nonsense!  I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a very inspiring story, but these little human interest stories are always my least favorite part of this, and really, of anything.

10:16PM: And hey it's over.  Sort of crash landed there, but OK.

10:17PM: I'm going to stick around for the Marco Rubio response.  Last year Paul Ryan's response was basically just 10 different ways to propose tax cuts.  I'm not expecting much more out of Marco, but we'll see.

10:25PM: If Rubio doesn't show up soon I'm bailing.  I can't wait around forever just because he has great hair.

10:27PM: Finally, here comes Marco Rubio.  I predict I'll never have that thought again.  Before I find 15 different ways to call Marco stupid, I want to give him some honest credit for doing this.  For every guy who made a name for himself giving the State of the Union response, there's another guy who committed political suicide attempting to pull it off.  This isn't easy.

10:30PM: Right off the bat..."for much of history, people lived in societies where a tiny minority stayed at the top and nobody else had a chance".  Ummm, that seems to be where the Republicans have been trying to take us for the last 32 years.  That's a literal description of the result of Republican policies.  Not a good start buddy.

10:32PM: They should have scored Marco a podium.  He's having trouble figuring out what to do with his hands.

10:33PM: Obamacare is bad, check.  Obama is divisive, check.

10:36PM: If the President will abandon his obsession with raising taxes, the Republicans promise to continue their obsession with lowering taxes.  Deal?

10:37PM: I think Rubio is also wearing the same outfit as Obama and Biden #doubleawkward

10:38PM: Republicans don't say "school vouchers" that much anymore, but that's still what they're talking about.

10:40PM: I don't know what Republicans think the President wants to do to the rights of law abiding Americans, but I guarantee that there's nothing in the Constitution about having the right to unregulated firearms.

10:41PM: Yikes.  Rubio just stopped for a drink of water.  Clearly unplanned since he had to stop and reach out of frame to grab the bottle.  That was super awkward and probably all anyone will remember from his speech.

10:43PM: I honestly haven't been listening since that weird water break.  Rubio's sound team isn't doing him any favors either.  The words weren't especially terrible, but the stagecraft was just an atrocity.

Well, there you go.

Grammy Practice

The State of the Union address is coming up on Tuesday and, honestly, I'm rusty.  I need a tune-up, some practice, a rehearsal of sorts (see what I did there).  For a proper tune-up, I need something like the State of the Union address. Something that was probably necessary or at least useful at some point in history, but is now just a farce, a parody of itself.  Something with an audience full of preening frauds who haven't done anything useful in years.  Something so needless and hollow that you watch it and almost wonder if it's even real or if you've died without noticing and gone to a hell worse than anything you ever imagined.

What's that you say?  The Grammys are on tonight?  Perfect!

A couple of things you should know going in.  First of all, according to Twitter, which is always a reliable news source, CBS has banned boobs from the Grammy broadcast.  Thank you CBS.  Our long national nightmare of having to look at pretty girls' breasts is over.  I assume this means Katy Perry will be banned from the building tonight.

On a related topic, CBS continues to provide plenty of fighting and stabbing and shooting on all of their wonderful procedural cop dramas.  Because, obviously, people getting shot in the face is an important and totally appropriate part of our TV experience, but the female body is terrifying and obscene.

Also, I should point out that I have nothing specific against any genre of music.  Even my long-standing, and mostly unexplained, feud with country music has recently ended.  Hard to say if this is a temporary cease fire between me and country music or a more permanent peace, but we're cool for now.  I'm good with all kinds of music.  So if Kiss were to be on the show tonight (please no!) and I were to say something like "I hate Kiss so much that it makes me want to drown Gene Simmons in a pool of face make-up", you can be sure that it isn't because I hate whatever type of music Kiss is supposed to be, but rather it's because that specific band sucks and everyone with ears knows it.

OK, let's get started.

8:01PM: Kudos to CBS for finding a way to slip everyone on every CBS show into the Grammys.

8:03PM: Taylor Swift is opening the show with something that I really don't have any words for.  I'll give her this, she seems to be having fun.  Hey, is Taylor Swift attractive?  I honestly can't tell.  She seems sort of awkwardly tall to me, but people on TV always seem taller than they are.  I'm stumped.

8:05PM: Speaking of people on CBS shows and procedural cop dramas, it's LL Cool J!  He's hosting tonight, and he's wearing a silly little hat too.  How fun for him.

8:08PM: LL says he's won two Grammys "so far".  In other news, Mike Tyson has won 50 professional fights, ya know, so far. #youneverknow #butyoukindofdo

8:10PM: Here come Elton John and some guy I've never heard of.  The guy I've never heard of is either freakishly large or playing a very small guitar.  I always think I'm not a fan of Elton John, but then I start listing Elton John songs that are exceptions (Rocket Man, Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, Tiny Dancer...) and I start to think maybe I am a fan of Elton John.  Life is complicated sometimes.

8:15PM: Target commercials have really gone off the rails.

8:20PM: First award: Solo pop performance.  Adele won.  I don't really know that song, but I know Rihanna was nominated and whenever Rihanna is nominated I'm in her corner.  Also, there's nothing that doesn't sound ridiculous in a British accent.  I don't know what Adele said, but as far as I could tell, it was all just silly British gibberish.

8:23PM: I can't say I'm impressed with Fun.  There's a girl on stage with them playing an acoustic guitar.  Is she part of the band or did she just wander out there?

8:25PM: OK, Fun. salvaged their performance by making it rain on them at the end.  That was pretty cool and I liked it.  Also, the song they played sounded a lot like Rod Stewart's Rhythm of My Heart.  I'm OK with ripping off Rod Stewart, I just wanted to point it out.

8:27PM: One difference between the Grammys and the State of the Union...the Grammys are drowning in commercials, and they are all terrible.

8:32PM: First shot of Katy Perry in the crowd.  She obviously didn't get the "no boobs" memo.  The internet tells me that they showed her because current presenter John Mayer is dating her.  As always, fuck John Mayer.

8:33PM: Country performance; Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley.  I don't know if Dierks Bentley is a whole band or just a guy.  I'm still adjusting to the whole not hating country music thing.  Some guy just strolled out to join Miranda for the second verse, I'm going to assume that's Dierks.  Some guy behind them is playing a cello.  I'm glad to see the Grammys got my "more cellos" note from last year.

8:36PM: There have to be at least four guitars on stage right now.  This song isn't that complicated.

8:39PM: Throwback video of LL from, I'm going to say, 1961.  Nice to see he hasn't become any less ridiculous since then.

8:40PM: I don't know who these two guys are, but they are awful.  The first guy started out playing a keyboard, but it kept playing after he walked away from it.  The other guy took a full minute before contributing anything other than "yeah" and "uh".  Also, that whole two minute performance was just the introduction for the Grammy for best country performance.  Um, what?

8:43PM: Carrie Underwood won that award.  She must also be confused at the introduction it got, everyone must be.  Anyway, I've heard all five of those nominated country songs at various times on Pandora in my office this year and Carrie deserved the win.

8:47PM: Without the commercials, the Grammys would only be 22 minutes long.

8:51PM: Third award (in 51 minutes, on what is supposed to be an awards show): Song of the Year: We Are Young by Fun.  Man, I do not like that song.  One guy from Fun thanked Jay-Z.  Jay did not look amused.

8:54PM: The Mumford and Sons guy appears to be playing a guitar and a bass drum while also singing.  Extra points there.  Also, I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp had no idea where he was just then.

9:01PM: No thank you to all of your new shows CBS.

9:03PM: I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce.  Just sayin'.  Having said that, Beyonce looked genuinely uncomfortable trying to interact with Ellen, and that was hilarious.

9:05PM: Justin Timberlake should have quit while he was ahead.

9:06PM: When Jay-Z wanders out of the audience to start rapping with you, you don't stop him.  I'm just glad he's performing with Timberlake and not murdering that guy from Fun.  Anyway, Justin may want to stick to acting at this point.

9:11PM: Next award: Best Urban Contemporary Album.  I stopped paying attention to who won for a second and started wondering why Chris Brown isn't in jail.  Frank Ocean won, he said he wanted to picture the crowd as kids in tuxedos being fancy.  Didn't get a laugh from the audience, but they're mostly idiots and it was funny.  I don't really know who Frank Ocean is, but anyone who beats Chris Brown is cool with me.

9:20PM: Dave Grohl is plugging his documentary about Sound City while also introducing the winner for best rock performance.  Winner: Lonely Boy by the Black Keys.

9:22PM: Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys performing together.  Yeah, I never really liked Maroon 5.  I'm kind of disappointed they haven't broken up yet.

9:26PM: Honestly, Maroon 5 is ruining this Alicia Keys performance.

9:28PM: Either every Kelly Clarkson song sounds the same or she's being nominated for an album she released six years ago.

9:29PM: Best Pop Vocal Album: The album Kelly Clarkson released six years ago.

9:31PM: I feel like I've been watching the Grammys for four years.  Now I remember why I never bother with award shows.  This is awful.

9:36PM: Who is this Russell Brand looking guy interrupting Rihanna?  Don't they have security to tackle him?

9:40PM: How do they come up with these pairs to introduce awards?  They must just be picking names out of a hat.

9:41PM: Next award, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z and some other people won, but not Rihanna.  But then here's Frank Ocean again.  So far Rihanna and Frank Ocean are the clear highlights here.

9:49PM: No CBS, I will not watch 2 Broke Girls.  I don't care how many times you ask.

9:50PM: We get it Black Keys, you're super hip with your jazz band and your weird guy dressed like George Clinton on the keyboard or whatever it is he's playing.  How about next time you just show up and play a song?

9:55PM: I always hate these lifetime achievement award parts.  Especially when they involve Kelly Clarkson.

9:57PM: That award for Best Country Album just sort of snuck up on me.  Zac Brown Band won that award, as well as the award for best beard/hat combo.

10:03PM: Is CBS trying to peer pressure me into watching CBS?  "Come on, everyone else is watching CBS...come on"

10:05PM: I just have to be honest and say I was never that into Bob Marley.

10:07PM: What percentage of Bruno Mars fans would you guess know who Sting is?  It has to be under 50% right?

10:11PM: I think we've officially lost control of this Bob Marley tribute.

10:17PM: OK, there was a lot going on there.  Quick recap.  Bruno Mars and Rihanna killed it.  Sting was sort of OK which is much better than I usually think Sting is.  Ziggy and Damian Marley I could take or leave.

10:18PM: See Black Keys, look at the Lumineers.  They just showed up with their instruments and played their little song.  How hard is that?

10:21PM: Speaking of people who brought way too many musicians with them, it's Jack White!  Remember when Jack White was in a band with literally one other person.  Wasn't life better then?

10:26PM: Katy Perry is presenting the Best New Artist award.  Fun. won again.  I still don't like them, nor do I have anything else appropriate, funny or constructive to say about Katy Perry.  I've used up my allotment of boob jokes.  Let's just move on.

10:34PM: I've heard this Hunter Hayes song in my office probably 20 times this year, if you had asked me to guess what he looks like, I definitely would have been way off.  Anyway, he was just introducing Carrie Underwood.

10:39PM: Carrie Underwood can clearly sing, but the whole performance really didn't do much for me.  A little too much with the visual effects I think.  Also, more superfluous musicians.

10:40PM: Hey, Prince is still alive.  Good for him.

10:41PM: Prince presented Record of the Year to Gotye for Somebody That I Used to Know.  I'm not gonna lie, that shit is catchy.

10:43PM: How would you describe Prince's outfit.  Fabulous homeless man?  Unibomber? Does anyone know if Prince actually needs a cane or if it was just an accessory?  And what is Prince doing with his time these days?  So many questions.

10:46PM: Ooohhh, the dead people part is coming up.  Always one of my favorites.

10:53PM: I'm super bored with this tribute to music teachers.  I know music teachers are important and kids should all learn music, but maybe you'd drive that point home a little better if you found a way to not make the music teachers portion the worst five minutes of the show.

10:57PM: Man, there are A LOT of people on stage right now.  I'm pretty sure the audience is all seat fillers right now.  Seat fillers and Chris Brown.

11:02PM: Hey, do you think the Rolling Stones watch the in memoriam part of the Grammys every year just to make sure they didn't die without noticing?

11:10PM: This guy appears to be singing in Spanish.  Wait no, now he's singing in English again.  Also, he may or may not be Christian Bale.  There's a lot going on right now.  Spanish Christian Bale was just introducing Frank Ocean.

11:13PM: I don't understand a lot of what's happening right now with this Frank Ocean performance, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.

11:15PM: Adele is presenting Album of the Year.  Mumford and Sons.  I would have gone with Jack White, but at least Fun. didn't win.  Apparently Mumford and Sons is British.  I did not know that.  My whole world is upside down right now.  Well, at least the part of my world that has to do with Mumford and Sons.

11:23PM: We appear to be coming up on an LL Cool J performance.  Am I supposed to be excited about this?  I was around when LL was a rapper, I don't remember it being that great.  Travis Barker on the drums is always worth a listen though.  Tom Morello on guitar too.  In fact, LL is really the only not exciting part of what's happening right now.  Calling this an LL Cool J performance would be like calling a Beatles reunion a Ringo Starr performance.

11:28PM: They're definitely cutting LL off.  Kind of a weird way to finish, but OK.

Comrade Obama's Manifesto

Tonight should be pretty fun.  The State of the Union address in an election year, for a President running for re-election, is basically just a big campaign speech.  In a way it's sad that we can't get sitting Presidents to take one hour out of campaigning to just talk about the actual state of the union.  But in another, more important way, it's fun because it's the one campaign speech the opposition party is forced to sit and watch.

After 18 Republican debates, it'll be hard for me not to see this as a one-man Democratic debate.  Speaking of 18 Republican debates, Mitt Romney released his tax returns today.  Now I'm supposed to be appalled by how low his actual tax rate is, but I'm not.  I don't care how much Mitt pays in taxes, as long as I don't have to vote for him.

Hey!  Wouldn't it be a good idea for the President to enter the State of the Union address the same way a wrestler enters the arena?  I have to believe President Obama would have pretty sweet entrance music.  Things would be so much better if I was in charge.

9:01PM: I don't know why the State of the Union address needs to start fashionably late, but I'm already pretty annoyed.

9:03PM: Apparently, Warren Buffet's secretary has been invited to tonight's speech.  I really do expect more from the President.  First of all, that's just stupid.  I know the point the President is trying to make about tax rates, but his laser beam focus on one specific secretary seems silly, and a little creepy.  Secondly, I'm not convinced being Warren Buffet's secretary is that bad of a deal.  I imagine money falls off Buffet wherever he goes the way dogs shed fur all over the place.   His secretary probably makes tens of thousands of dollars every year, tax free, just by cleaning up around the office after he goes home.

9:07PM: Watch out, Mr. President!  Eric Cantor is right behind you!  Where is the Secret Service when you need them?

9:08PM: On his way in, the President pointed at the Secretary of Defense and said "good job tonight, good job tonight".  Did we kill someone else?  Who's left?

9:10PM: I'm watching on CNN (because they always have fun/silly graphics) and Blitzer is as intrigued by what the President said to Leon Panetta as I am.

9:12PM: We started off with a reminder that the Iraq War is over and osama bid laden is dead.  Later, the President is going to fight a bear right here in the House chamber.

9:13PM: I'm 97% sure Biden and Boehner are already drunk.  Seriously, those two should not be allowed to sit together.  I don't care if it means one of them has to resign.  It's just not a good idea.

9:15PM: The President is making the case that the generation returning from Iraq and (eventually) Afghanistan can have the same prosperity the generation that came back from World War 2 had.  I don't know why everyone loves the 50's so much, they always looked kinda boring to me.

9:16PM: He just got Republicans to stand and clap for everyone getting a "fair shot" and "playing by the same rules".  Don't clap for that Republicans!  It's a trap!  He's about to talk about how your policies cause the exact opposite of those things to happen.

9:18PM: Apparently this Obama guy is the President of a country where the economy is doing awesome.  Can I move there?  Is it far?

9:21PM: Members of Congress appear to be clapping whenever the President mentions their city.  We just got a smattering of applause for Detroit, and another one for Pittsburgh.  Is this a speech or a Kiss concert?  I hate Kiss.

9:23PM: I learned this last year, Boehner isn't making faces at the President, that's just how his face looks.

9:24PM: The President is proposing lower taxes for companies that keep jobs in America, and even lower taxes for companies that create manufacturing jobs in America.  What a Communist!

9:27PM: Just went through a whole thing about unfair Chinese trade practices.  Who let Mitt Romney in here?

9:29PM: First mention of some random person I don't care about.  I hate these.  Apparently Seamans is sending some lady to community college.  That's enough to get her invited to the State of the Union and seated next to the First Lady.  Down year for inspirational stories I guess.

9:32PM: The President wants to let schools reward good teachers and get rid of bad teachers.  That sounds like a pretty good idea.  Why aren't we already doing this again?

9:33PM: The President wants every state to force all students to stay in high school until they graduate or turn 18.  How exactly would you enforce that?  Also, Ron Paul's head just exploded (and I'm not sure he's even in the building).

9:34PM: The President wants colleges and universities to stop raising tuition.  Add that to the list of things that are definitely not going to happen.

9:36PM: The House of Representatives has really ugly wall paper.

9:37PM: In an odd move, even for them, Republicans decided not to clap for the idea of women getting equal pay for equal work.  They can't possibly disagree with that, they must not have been listening.  I don't entirely blame them, this is already getting pretty long, and it's way past John McCain's bed time.

9:39PM: Did you know American oil production is the highest it's been in 8 years?  I didn't know that. 

9:41PM: Whole section about natural gas.  If you can get that stuff out of the ground in a way that's honestly safe, go nuts!  But right now, drilling for that shit is dangerous.  I know I'm heavily biased about water pollution, because I'm a form of life that needs clean drinking water, but still.

9:43PM: End tax breaks for oil companies and double down on tax credits for clean energy.  That sounds like a pretty good idea.  That's definitely something I think we could do, as long as none of these politicians are owned by oil companies.

9:46PM: The President just mentioned the Hoover Dam.  Sidenote: I was at a reservoir with my friend Sadie on Sunday, and there was a dam there, and dams are really cool.  No jokes here, seriously, dams are awesome, we should build way more of them.  I'll quit my job to go build dams right now, as long as I only have to build them in the winter when it's not hot out.  Anyway, where were we?

9:49PM: While I was rambling about dams, we got into the whole regulations/free market/if I just keep doing things Republicans say they like, maybe they'll start liking me part of the speech. 

9:51PM: The President appears to be suggesting that we should get rid of stupid regulations but keep the smart ones.  That's a little too complicated for Republicans, but it really is a good idea.

9:53PM: I was lying before when I said I'm watching CNN for the graphics.  I really just feel sorry for them.

9:54PM: Everybody in the chamber just applauded for passing the payroll tax cut extension right away.  Since everybody's on board, it seems like it shouldn't be so hard to do.  I don't remember, was that really easy to do, or was it a month-long catastrophuck?

9:56PM: Calling anything "the Buffet rule" is just ridiculous.  I hate Jimmy Buffet.

9:57PM: I'm putting the President on a "Warren Buffet's secretary" limit.  If he doesn't cool it with that nonsense, I'm voting Republican in November.  Seriously, I'll do it.  I live in Massachusetts, my vote doesn't matter.

10:00PM: Regarding the debate about raising the debt ceiling, the President looked right at the Republicans and said "who benefited from that fiasco?"  Best line of the night so far.

10:04PM: We seem to be coming in for a landing here and we still haven't found out about what he said to Panetta on the way in.  Tell us dammit!

10:06PM: Come on, Mr. President, wrap it up.  Biden has to catch the 10:19PM Amtrak back to Delaware.

10:07PM: Shot of Joe Lieberman in the crowd.  Does he seriously still work there?

10:09PM: "anyone who tells you that America is in decline, or that our influence has waned, doesn't know what they're talking about".  The President seems kind of feisty tonight.  I think he's looking forward to campaigning again.

10:10PM: Quick mention of cyber threats in a chamber full of people who have no idea what that means.

10:14PM: Sort of finishing back where we started...aren't the troops great?...and remember that time I told them to shoot bin laden in the face?

Hey, guess what!  We're not done yet.  Time for Mitch Daniels and the Republican response.  I've got a whole list of short jokes ready.  He's not a large man.

10:28PM: Standing in a dimly lit room, Daniels waited a good 8 seconds to start talking.  Not a good start.

10:29PM: Mitch says almost half of people under 30 didn't go to work today.  To be fair, a lot of that has to do with internet porn.

10:30PM: Daniels referred to the government as "big and bossy". Yeah President Obama!  You're not the boss of me!

10:31PM: Daniels says we'll never be a nation of haves and have nots, we're a nation of haves and soon to haves.  That just sounds like a more bullshitty way of saying have nots.

I should interject here and say that I actually like Mitch Daniels.  He seems like a decent guy and a pretty good governor and I wish he had run this year.  This is just kind of a goofy speech.

10:36PM: Daniels said the Obama administration is always trying to divide us.  Yeah!  That stupid communist muslim immigrant president is always saying divisive things.  What a jerk!

Alright, I'm pulling the plug on Mitch.  This speech is awful.  I like Mitch, but the Republican party is a train wreck right now.  See you (and every other Republican with a working brain) in 2016.

It appears that I am, once again, being cheated out of seeing the hilarious tea party response.  Stupid networks!  Hermain Cain is doing it this year!  Herman Cain!  What if he does it in his pimp hat?  How fun would that be? 

From Time To Time

If you don't follow politics, you might not know that, in the recently discovered spirit of civility, some Democrats and Republicans will be sitting together during the State of the Union address. Basically, we're getting all the fun of a Presidential address mixed with all the awkwardness of a junior high school dance. Sounds like fun to me.

Before we start, I watched the pre-speech coverage on MSNBC, no more Keith Olbermann. I didn't always agree with Keith, but I've always liked Keith. Yes, Olbermann is very liberal and presented the news with a very clear slant, but he always started with the facts and then colored them to fit what he was trying to say. If the clowns at Fox were willing to at least start in reality, I'd be able to watch their channel for more than five minutes without laughing my ass off or yelling at my television machine.

OK. Ready? 3...2...1...President! (I know that's not how they actually introduced him, but I think my way is better)

While the President is making the traditional three hour walk from the entrance of the chamber to the podium, one quick note. Last year I checked out before the Republican response. This year? Hell no. Why? Because this year, we're not just getting a Republican response, the tea idiots are doing their own response. And do you know who they got to do it? Michele Bachmann! I can't miss that.

I thought Boehner was gonna cry when the President started off by congratulating him. PS...Boehner isn't nearly as orange as people keep saying he is. Even money says he and Biden are passing a flask back and forth. Seriously, I wouldn't let those two sit together, they look like trouble. The President may have to threaten to turn this speech right around and go home.

Hey, um, the President forgot to start by telling us that the state of our union is strong. How am I supposed to know what the state of our union is? Is it strong? just OK? craptastic? funky? We have no idea.

It's probably not a good sign that this year's depressing first ten minutes sound a lot like last year's depressing first ten minutes. But at least I learned that China is now the home of the world's fastest computer. It's amazing what child labor and political prisoners can build with the right motivation.

Sorry, but I have to say this. I'm so tired of hearing how America is "the light of the world" and "built on an idea". It's a great place to live, and I really like it here, but it's not Neverland. I think we need to work on being a little less pleased with ourselves, and the President just made my point for me by saying "we're the nation of Facebook". Oh, he meant that as a good thing? Nevermind.

"We'll fund the Apollo projects of our time" says the President, which are apparently renewable energy projects. This is why we're not getting anywhere. Kennedy was sending people to the moon, Obama wants to build solar panels. And he wants to do it by eliminating tax cuts for oil companies. Also, unicorns for everyone!

The President said "only parents can turn the TV off". He added, "not right now though, this is important".

Maybe it's just because I have no soul, but these inspiring stories about Michigan roofing brothers and some high school in Denver that got better just give me a headache. And I just saw Biden and Boehner laughing. I told you not to let them sit together, they may already be drunk.

In the middle of all these boring human interest stories, I'm pretty sure the President just said he wants 100,000 new teachers. That sounds like a pretty good idea, what exactly are we planning to pay them with?

John McCain and John Kerry are sitting together, clearly talking about losing Presidential elections and trying to figure out how either one of them ever lost to George W. Bush.

I just heard something about high speed rail for the second year in a row. I don't get our fascination with high speed rail. Chris Matthews has been talking about it all week and how you can get from Rome to Venice in an hour. How about figuring out a way for me to fly without spending three hours in security? To my point, the President just joked that high speed rail can be "faster than flying, without the pat down". HAHAHA...of course that joke only works until some asshole sneaks a bomb onto a train.

I'm noticing a lot of sneak attacks from the President tonight. He was just rambling for a while about regulations and what-not, and then suddenly we were talking about health care. The Democrats were up applauding before the Republicans even knew what hit them. Arrrggghh. Stop mentioning random people. I know it tests well in focus groups, but that only serves to remind me of what gullible idiots people are.

Now we're talking about a five-year spending freeze (not gonna happen), defense spending cuts (definitely not gonna happen), a bipartisan solution to social security (really not gonna happen) and asking millionaires to give up their tax breaks (absolutely not gonna happen).

It's fun having a Republican Speaker sitting behind the President, because you can watch him and you immediately know where the Republicans stand on things. For example, Republicans are for a simpler tax code, as long as it in no way raises taxes on rich people. Also, Republicans are definitely not for competent government.

After the President's pledge to veto any bills with earmarks, Biden was openly making faces at people in the crowd.

"American Muslims are also a part of our American family", said the President. Boehner didn't look convinced. Actually, Boehner always looks like that when he claps, like he's trying to get the taste of shit out of his mouth. Maybe that's just what his face looks like.

The President is spending an awful lot of time on foreign policy, and not just the generic "we will defeat terrorism, although I have no earthly idea how" stuff. He even mentioned two African countries. Later, Michele Bachmann will attempt to find Africa on a map (spoiler alert: it doesn't go well, but in her defense, she may believe Africa is a liberal myth).

Seriously, I think someone bet Obama he couldn't make Boehner cry. He lost that bet, but luckily, he won his secondary bet by making Biden laugh at inappropriate times and generally look goofy.

Right at the end, he finally said the state of our union is strong. I was hoping for funky. He also said, "we do big things". Well, we used to anyway. Truthfully, this wasn't my favorite Obama speech. He still seems convinced that Republicans will like him someday if he just says enough things they like.

Fun note from right after the speech. On Fox, Brit Hume suggested we're at a unique time in history in terms of public anxiety. Yes, Fox News anchor. If only we could figure out how the public got so anxious, it's a real mystery.

Next up, the Republican response from Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. I wonder if he'll mention the Packers (actually, he didn't, good for him). I'll just give you the bullet points:
debt = bad
health care = bad
regulation = bad
tax cuts = super awesome
founders = even awesomer
Then, Congressman Ryan listed 10 things he believes the government should be doing. The first six were just different ways of saying defense/security. The ninth one was basically just tax cuts, and then we were back to debt.

Hey! they're not gonna show that idiot Bachmann on TV! WTF! Why should I have to go to some website to hear what will definitely be the most entertaining speech of the night? Even Fox wouldn't broadcast it. Boooooo!!!!!! I've been had!

The Craziest Thing I've Ever Seen

We see crazy things on TV all the time. Sometimes MSNBC runs old episodes of To Catch a Predator on the weekends. Every segment of that show ends with the police tackling a surprised pervert. It's fantastic. It's also pretty crazy to see a bunch of guys show up to have sex with 13 year olds on national TV. We're like two, maybe three steps away from killing someone on live TV, right?

By the way, what do you think goes through a pervert's mind when the little girl disappears and Chris Hansen pops out and tells him to have a seat? His first thought would have to be "uh oh, that's her dad and he's definitely going to kill me". So, when he finds out it's just Chris Hansen, there have to be some mixed emotions. On the down side, no sex with a 13 year old today, and he's about to get tackled by policemen dressed as trees and hauled off to jail. On the plus side, he's probably going to live.

Last night I was watching the Colbert Report and I found out that J.D. Salinger died last week. I watch as much news as anyone, it took me a week to find out that J.D. Salinger died. The death of one of the Jersey Shore cast members would get more media coverage. I know, Salinger was a recluse and the State of the Union was last week. Plus, we're still getting more information on just how much of a scumbag John Edwards is (I used to like John Edwards too, I felt like he really gave a crap about poor people, then he cheated on his cancer surviving wife, had a baby and denied paternity. There's a special level of hell just for him. You know, if hell were real).

Still, the death of Michael Jackson was on every channel on my TV for like a week. If Michael Jackson had died last week, I think we would have had to postpone the State of the Union. I'm only half kidding about that. But Salinger gets hardly anything. He wrote Catcher in the Rye. How does that not at least equal Thriller? (obviously, it's like 78 times better than Thriller, and I like Thriller. I'm just trying to be fair-minded) Seriously, sometimes I wonder what's wrong with us.

Last week ole Goldmember Beck was at it again. I didn't watch most of this episode, but it seemed he was doing an entire hour on the evils of elitism. My favorite part was when he called Woodrow Wilson a "dirtbag racist" (Beck really doesn't like Wilson, or Teddy Roosevelt). I don't have a problem with that, it was pretty funny to see, but weren't many of Glenn's heroes, the founders, slave owners? Anyway, that's not the crazy part, and Beck's constant attack on elite people isn't the crazy part either.

Going after elites is good politics. Most people aren't elite, most people are actually pretty average, and many of them are just plain stupid (I've said this before, look around you right now, do you see stupid people? You bet your ass you do. I rest my case). There's a lot of political hay to be made in making the stupid people think that they're not stupid and actually somehow better than the smart people. It's nonsense, but a lot of populism is nonsense and it always seems to work.

The crazy part was right at the end. Glenn and his guests were talking about what people should read to get informed. Someone suggested The Federalist Papers. That's not a bad idea. Glenn suggested that someone would have to translate The Federalist Papers into words regular people could understand. So Glenn's argument is that the "people" are smart, and they know what's best, and anyone who calls them stupid is an elitist jerk, and possibly a communist who wants to kill everyone. But those same "people" are just too stupid to understand The Federalist Papers without someone translating the essays into smaller words. Glenn even made fun of himself for saying it. Something has to be pretty crazy to give Glenn Beck a moment of self-awareness.

I saw something else last week. The President reminded us why being elite isn't a bad thing, why we want the smart guy in charge. He reminded me why I voted for him and why, even though I'm a registered Republican, I refuse to vote for anymore Republicans until we get the idiots out of the party (I've said this before too, it may be a while). Last Friday, the President went to visit the House Republican caucus and took questions on live TV. He mopped the floor with those morons. It was awesome, like watching the President debate a group of hostile third graders. Here's how you know last Friday didn't go well for the Republicans. They haven't even been trying to spin it this week. They're just pretending it never happened and moving on. It got to be such a one-sided ass kicking that Fox News stopped covering it in the middle.

So what was so crazy about this? You had Republicans asking questions and listening politely to the responses. You had the President talking on TV without prepared lines or going over everything with his staff. Politicians, having an open and honest debate, unscripted, in front of TV cameras, for the whole country to see? I don't know about you, but that's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Article 2 Section 3

"He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the Union, and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient..."

I'm a political junkie, and I do enjoy keeping running commentaries of things that are happening on my TV. So, the State of the Union address is a no-brainer for me. Just to be clear, I'm not going to try and document everything the President says, this isn't the New York Times (for one thing, I might still have one or two readers, "Haw Haw!, your medium is dying"). I'm also making no promises that this blog entry will be well written, intellectually organized or correctly spelled. I'll just pick out some of the things that jump out at me.

It's probably easiest to do the highlights from the pre-speech stuff by network.

Fox went with solo O'Reilly until about five minutes before the speech. He spent his first segment bragging about his ratings. Seriously, someone needs to tell Fox that half of their viewers are watching for laughs(and the other half are watching while trying eat their soup with a fork). Bill also spent a lot of time talking about how boring he thought the speech would be and how painful it would be for him to watch. Awesome job of getting people engaged Bill, well done. Bill also had Dick Morris on at some point. The bridge Dick lives under must be right by Fox's building, he's there all the time.

MSNBC gave us the usual 8PM Olbermann hour with some extra special guests as we got closer to the speech. My favorite single moment came at 8:18PM, when they appeared to run a commercial for the show I was already watching. Keith's favorite topic tonight was the ACORN video kid and his friends who got arrested for scamming their way into a Senator's office. Keith was a little too giddy about this for me.

This is just some dumbass kid who stumbled onto the ACORN story. He got lots of publicity because Republicans hate ACORN. Also because he had the good sense to use his hot friend as the hooker, which certainly didn't hurt with making the whole story good TV. So then he tried to find other ways to get on TV, but I guess his hot friend was gone, he probably tried to sleep with her, so he needed a new idea and wound up committing a felony. It's just a sad story of a moron and the other morons who encouraged him. I don't feel all that interested in it.

In a huge upset, easily the funniest pre-speech coverage was CNN's. CNN had Campbell Brown moderating a 10-person panel. Ten. TEN! And they had other guests via satellite. Everyone got to say four words, Paul Begala's "Hope President speech good" was especially poignant.

Wolf Blitzer was there too, but he spent most of the hour lurking behind one of the panels near his magic wall. The ten panel members appeared to be sharing 6 laptops. For what? Are there speech exit polls coming in, are they coming in before the speech? Were they on twitter and facebook since they only got to talk for 20 seconds each? CNN also had this whole room full of people at computers who were going to be following and analyzing the speech. No kidding, there may have been more people on CNN during the pre-speech than there were in the House chamber during the speech. I could go on about this all night, CNN's pre-speech hour was mind blowing.

Quickly, my wish list of three things I'd love to see tonight, but aren't going to happen:
1) I'd like to see the President challenge any Republican to a fist fight.
2) I'd like to see the President fire someone on the spot with no warning. I'd vote for Janet Napolitano
3) I'd like to see the President break out a quick Bush impression.

OK, OK, enough fun. Madam Speaker, the President of the United States...

While the President makes his customary 52 minute trip from the door to the podium, I should mention that this didn't seem to start well. The two guys who announce the President's arrival spent a good 90 seconds waiting in the doorway to make the announcement. It was like Congress wasn't expecting them. "oh, the President you say? I wish I had known he was coming, I would have baked something"

Biden looks happy to be on TV, and Obama looks happy Biden and Pelosi don't get to talk.

The first section was mostly about how crappy things still are and how everyone needs to work together to move forward. A for honesty, F for being super depressing for five minutes.

The President mentioned how he and everyone else hated the bank bailout, and everyone clapped. That's funny because he and like 300 of those clapping people voted for it. Then the President said he's working on getting the rest of the money back from the banks, not as many people clapped for that one. The Republicans wouldn't even clap for the President's litany of tax cuts, and he pointed that out, which was pretty funny.

By the way, this whole clapping and not clapping thing is so petty and stupid, from both parties. These people are supposed to be running the country, every time the President finishes a sentence half of them cheer like he just cured cancer and the other half sit there sarcastically. Whenever I watch Congress I become concerned that my country is being run by kindergartners.

The President is proposing all kinds of new jobs initiatives. They include tax cuts for new hires and wage hikes as well as eliminating capital gains taxes on small business investments. He also talked about putting people to work on the infrastructure of the future, which apparently centers around very fast trains. Somewhere in this section the President accused Washington of telling us to wait for decades and letting us fall behind other countries. He kicked Washington around quite a bit tonight. I couldn't agree more, but someone should tell the President he's been working in Washington for like five years now.

The President threatened to veto any financial reform bill that isn't "real reform". I predict a future press conference in which the President pulls a few muscles straining to try and define as "real reform" whatever steaming pile of garbage the Senate tries to pass off as reform.

I'm noticing a trend here. President Obama seems to be kicking the Senate's ass a little bit. In the first 20 minutes or so, he mentioned three separate bills that the House had passed and basically said the Senate better get their asses in gear. Later, he mentioned how a bill to create some kind of fiscal committee just died in the Senate, and how he's going to create the committee he wants by executive order instead. He even spent a lot of the section on bipartisanship hammering away at the Senate. Maybe I'll get my wish and he'll challenge the whole Senate to a fist fight.

The President proposed a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants. No jokes here, I really like that idea, I hope we do it. On the other hand, he also mentioned opening up more places to drill for oil. I've never bought the argument that our oil problem is that we just haven't been looking hard enough. Unless we find an infinite oil supply somewhere, any oil we do find only extends our deadline, so why not just come up with a better idea now?

Ha! The President just sarcastically said "I know there are some who disagree with the overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change". Easily my favorite moment so far.

"The best anti-poverty program around is a world-class education." I couldn't agree more. We also heard a lot about college education. Tax credits for college tuition and urging colleges to lower costs. I think the President will find that getting colleges to lower tuition costs will be about as easy as getting the Senate to get off their asses and do something.

The health care section didn't really move me too much either way. We got what was, as far as I could tell, basically the same sales pitch we've been getting about health care for the last six months. I have to say, even the President looked a little tired of talking about it. I'm not incredibly hopeful about health care reform right now.

The President started out the economy section by pointing out how the current deficit is mostly President Bush's fault, which got a weird, uncomfortable moment of laughter from one side of the Congress, I think it was the Democrats. Then we moved on to the much anticipated spending freeze (brrrrr). Another awesome moment. The President said the freeze won't take effect until next year, which drew some laughter from the Republicans. The President responded by very condescendingly saying "that's how budgeting works". I'm starting to remember why I liked this guy so much.

The President just hammered the Supreme Court's campaign contributions decision from last week, so then the nine of them had to sit there while everyone else applauded how much they suck. I'm not sure it was appropriate for the President to scold the Supreme Court in front of Congress on national TV, but they made a stupid decision and they deserved it, so there.

After about an hour, the President finally got to terrorism, security and underwear based weapons. Not much new information here, combat troops out of Iraq by August, stabilizing Afghanistan, nuclear weapons are bad, etc. But I also liked how he told Congress to stop arguing about security like little children. On the down side, he just said he was going to a summit in April to talk about securing all nuclear weapons in the world within four years. That sounds a lot like terrorists have four years to get some nuclear weapons before we lock them all up, I realize that's not a quick job, but still.

I had failed to realize how entertaining it would be to watch Biden all night. He's had times he tried to start clapping while the President was still talking, many other times when everyone else stood up to applaud about five seconds before he did. He kept nodding and smirking at everything. You could have watched this speech with the volume off and been thoroughly entertained.

There's something I was waiting for, the President just called for a repeal of don't ask, don't tell. He said "it's the right thing to do". I watched a lot of cable news today, and this detail had been leaked. There was a lot of speculation about how he was doing this to appease the left, or how it wouldn't help him with moderates. The President, during the speech, was the first person to mention that it's the right thing to do. How bad have our politics gotten when "it's the right thing to do" doesn't even enter the discussion of why a politician might be doing something.

If this speech reminded me of anything, it's why I liked the President so much as a candidate. He's funny, smart and engaging. He's incredibly condescending when he thinks people are being stupid (by the way, that's the second time I called the President condescending, it's not an insult, it's what people deserve when they say or do dumb things).

If there's one thing I need to be reminded of after this speech, it's that the President doesn't write the laws, Congress does. And the Senate will pass or not pass anything they damn well please. So we'll see if anything the President talked about tonight actually happens.

PS...I don't have the energy for the Republican response, but I predict he'll mention tax cuts at some point.