Poor Faulkner

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten dollar words.  I know them all right.  But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."

This sentiment from Hemingway is always appropriate for a big political speech.

This year's State of the Union comes without the usual pregame madness thanks to whatever the hell was going on in California.  I did learn that Bill O'Reilly doesn't believe in the death penalty.  Who knew?  The rest of it was mostly just video of a cabin burning down.  I'm just looking forward to the President awkwardly working this situation into his speech.

8:57PM: This is pretty fun.  The huge panels of bloviating jackasses the cable networks put together for tonight each got about three minutes to talk.  In order to understand why this is fun, you really have to understand how much these people enjoy being on television.  Don't be surprised if someone burns down a cable news studio later tonight.  Also, Blogger doesn't know how to spell bloviate.  Or maybe Blogger just noticed that I opened with that Hemingway line and is trying to point out my hypocrisy.  Listen, if I could write like Hemingway, I wouldn't need to use words like bloviate.

9:02PM: The Cabinet is very slowly and boringly making its way into the chamber.  Also, breaking news from CNN, the White House says this speech is going to be effective.  What a scoop!

9:05PM: Seriously though, I just noticed CNN has Newt Gingrich in the studio.  He's barely getting a word in.  I think his head's going to explode.  And when a head that big explodes, terrible things happen.

9:07PM: I'm starting to wonder if the President is coming.  If he knew Newt was talking on TV right now, I'm sure he'd jump in and stop it.

9:09PM: Newt's laugh is disturbingly creepy.  Oh, I miss the Republican primaries.  No Newt!  Don't go!

9:10PM: Here comes the Prez.  I keep saying they shouldn't let Biden and Boehner sit together.  They already look like they're up to something.

9:11PM: Lots of poorly executed mustaches in the crowd tonight.

9:14PM: People say Congress never does anything, but could you stand and clap for this long without a break?  Also, Biden and Obama appear to be wearing the same outfit #awkward

9:16PM: Lots of "does anyone know what Mitt Romney is doing right now?" jokes on Twitter.  Probably enjoying being filthy fucking rich and not having to deal with all this nonsense.  Mitt may have dodged a bullet in November.

9:18PM: Did you know we're buying less foreign oil than we have in 20 years?  Still quite a lot, but, you know, less.

9:18PM: "The state of our union is strong."  OK, goodnight folks.

9:19PM: Biden looks twitchy, Boehner looks pretty drunk.

9:20PM: "The American people don't expect us to solve every problem."  True, but solving one would be nice.  Just try one.

9:22PM: Apparently the sequester is a really bad idea.  Everyone seems to agree on that.  If only we could find all those people who voted to pass the sequester in the first place.  Ohhh, I bet the Prez and Mr. Boehner would like to have a word with those assholes.

9:25PM: "Already, the affordable care act is slowing the growth of health care costs."  Yeah, I'm not sure that's good enough.  Health care costs are skyrocketing on a slightly less steep trajectory.  Hooray for us!

9:27PM: We're wallowing in the deficit reduction portion of the speech right now.  The working title for this section around the White House was "all the shit that's never gonna happen".

9:29PM: In the last minute, only the Democrats have applauded for "less crises" and "paying our bills on time".  Tough crowd.

9:30PM: Biden cracks me up.  Obama just said Congress needs to pass the rest of his growth agenda, which caused Biden to laugh out loud.  I'd love to be texting with Biden right now..."Congress do something? OMFG! LOLZ!"

9:32PM: The Prez thinks we should invest in good ideas.  Also, Biden is inexplicably wearing glasses now.  Wait, now the glasses are gone.  Why is Biden doing costume changes?  Just sit still man!  VPs are the worst.

9:34PM: Obama says we can make progress on climate change while also fostering strong economic growth.  I wish he'd stop saying that.  Not everything has to make money.  When you try to pair fighting climate change with trying to make everything profitable, you get stupid ideas like cap and trade.  How about we fight climate change just for the sake of, ya know, not dying?

9:38PM: "Let's cut in half the energy wasted by our homes and businesses over the next 20 years".  Sure, why not?

9:39PM: Even the Republicans stood up and clapped for fixing bridges.  They're not going to vote for any funding for fixing bridges, but, philosophically, they like fixing bridges.

9:41PM: On passing some bill that's currently waiting in Congress.."what are we waiting for?".  Well, the Republicans are waiting for a less black President.  I'm not sure what everyone else is waiting for.

9:42PM: Obama is seamlessly transitioning from one topic to the other.  Climate change, then bridges, now education.  He's really pushing for funding for pre-school.  I don't know.  I remember pre-school mostly just being day care with some counting.

9:44PM: Apparently, German kids are ready to work right out of high school.  I probably could have worked in Germany right out of high school too.  I don't want to work in Germany.

9:45PM: Something about re-designing America's high schools.  No, not going to happen.

9:46PM: "Colleges must do their part to keep costs down".  He said that last year too.  That is definitely not going to happen.

9:47PM: Now we're on boarder security.  He's like a tornado of policy proposals.

9:49PM: The President wants Congress to send him a comprehensive immigration reform bill so he can sign it.  I'm mostly hearing that this is going to happen.  I predict the end result will be toothless and ineffective.

9:50PM: Great audience shot of some lady shaking her head in anger at the idea of equal pay for women.  It isn't easy being a Republican woman, but at least you get to hang out with all of those hot Republican guys.

9:52PM: Raise the minimum wage?  Yes please.  Well, yes please for me, no thank you for the Republicans.

9:53PM: Boehner looks super fidgety.  Someone give him a ball to play with.

9:55PM: "By the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over."  Kudos if he actually pulls that off.  I'm also glad to hear that we're going to spend plenty of time training and equipping the Afghan army that we will most likely be going to war with in about 25 years.

9:58PM: Chuck Grassley may or may not be asleep.  Also, Obama has successfully conditioned the Democrats to applaud whenever he pauses, no matter what he just said.

9:59PM: Even the lady who wouldn't clap for equal pay stood up and applauded for keeping Iran from getting nuclear weapons.  I wonder if she gets equal pay?  #hmmm

10:01PM: "today's world contains not just dangers, not just threats, but also opportunities".  He added, "opportunities to be endangered and threatened".

10:02PM: Did he say AIDS free generation?  I think he did.  That's sounds like a good idea.  Let's do that one.  Someone go find out why Magic Johnson is still alive!

10:05PM: Boehner just seriously sat there and refused to applaud for equal treatment for gay military members and equal benefits for their families.  What a dick.  These guys are so funny to me sometimes that I forget that they also spend a great deal of time being assholes.

10:08PM: About Newtown and gun control..."this time it's different".  Except not really and it's been two months and Congress still hasn't done anything.  But other than that, it's much different this time.

10:11PM: Republicans won't even applaud for voting on gun control laws.  If you were honestly against something and thought it was a bad idea, wouldn't you be all for stepping up and voting against it?

10:12PM: "they deserve a vote"...best section of a State of the Union speech I can remember in a while.  Well done Prez.

10:14PM: Hey look, that old lady voted. Way to get back to the silly nonsense!  I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a very inspiring story, but these little human interest stories are always my least favorite part of this, and really, of anything.

10:16PM: And hey it's over.  Sort of crash landed there, but OK.

10:17PM: I'm going to stick around for the Marco Rubio response.  Last year Paul Ryan's response was basically just 10 different ways to propose tax cuts.  I'm not expecting much more out of Marco, but we'll see.

10:25PM: If Rubio doesn't show up soon I'm bailing.  I can't wait around forever just because he has great hair.

10:27PM: Finally, here comes Marco Rubio.  I predict I'll never have that thought again.  Before I find 15 different ways to call Marco stupid, I want to give him some honest credit for doing this.  For every guy who made a name for himself giving the State of the Union response, there's another guy who committed political suicide attempting to pull it off.  This isn't easy.

10:30PM: Right off the bat..."for much of history, people lived in societies where a tiny minority stayed at the top and nobody else had a chance".  Ummm, that seems to be where the Republicans have been trying to take us for the last 32 years.  That's a literal description of the result of Republican policies.  Not a good start buddy.

10:32PM: They should have scored Marco a podium.  He's having trouble figuring out what to do with his hands.

10:33PM: Obamacare is bad, check.  Obama is divisive, check.

10:36PM: If the President will abandon his obsession with raising taxes, the Republicans promise to continue their obsession with lowering taxes.  Deal?

10:37PM: I think Rubio is also wearing the same outfit as Obama and Biden #doubleawkward

10:38PM: Republicans don't say "school vouchers" that much anymore, but that's still what they're talking about.

10:40PM: I don't know what Republicans think the President wants to do to the rights of law abiding Americans, but I guarantee that there's nothing in the Constitution about having the right to unregulated firearms.

10:41PM: Yikes.  Rubio just stopped for a drink of water.  Clearly unplanned since he had to stop and reach out of frame to grab the bottle.  That was super awkward and probably all anyone will remember from his speech.

10:43PM: I honestly haven't been listening since that weird water break.  Rubio's sound team isn't doing him any favors either.  The words weren't especially terrible, but the stagecraft was just an atrocity.

Well, there you go.

Undecided

I was talking to a friend Saturday night and she made me realize that I am, in fact, an undecided voter.  If I lived in a swing state, I would vote for Barack Obama, because Mitt Romney is just awful.  But I live in Massachusetts.  Unless Mitt Romney has a photograph of Barack Obama pooping on Ted Williams' grave while wearing a Lakers jersey, Massachusetts is safe for the President.

I like the President, but I don't like everything he's done.  More importantly, I don't like that I only get two real choices.  Two choices that aren't as different as they and the media would have me believe.  Is Barack Obama a better President than Mitt Romney ever could be?  Of course he is.  But that doesn't make him the best possible President.  On the contrary, it could easily just make him the 2nd worst possible President.

So I'm torn.  Use my meaningless vote to cast one more drop into the ocean of Massachusetts Obama votes, or use it to at least make a point about third party candidates.  I'm looking at you Gary Johnson.  I don't know, I honestly don't think I'll decide until tomorrow when I get there.

Speaking of undecided voters, on the eve of Election Day (honestly one of my favorite days), I thought it would be fun to try and sum up some of the last minute campaign issues for anyone who's still mulling it over.

Senate Races

Senate races have become important nationally because the first rule of Republican Misogyny Club is you don't talk about Republican Misogyny Club, but Todd Akin and that Mourdock clown from Indiana didn't get the memo.  More than any other recent election, Republicans are making it clear to everyone that they think women should be second class citizens who have their rights dictated to them.  Even Mitt Romney tipped his hand a little.  I mean, he's OK if you ladies want to work a little, he thinks it's cute, but once 5PM rolls around, your ass better be in Mitt's kitchen making him a delicious dinner.  That beef isn't going to roast itself, and your lady work can wait until morning, we don't give you anything important to do anyway.

I have an idea for Republicans.  You obviously have no interest in growing up or moving into the current century, so how about this?  Whenever the word rape comes up at one of your press conferences, just walk away.  In fact, whenever anybody asks you anything about women, just slowly back away from the microphone.  It isn't the best strategy, but I think it's the best you can do based on your policies and beliefs and, honestly, it's better than your current strategy of looking like idiots all the time.

Speaking of Senate races, this is where reasonable Republicans really need to look at their own party and get angry.  Republicans have pissed away at least three easy wins in the Senate by nominating awful candidates.  Linda McMahon in Connecticut may not be anyone's fault, and maybe they couldn't have won that seat anyway, but Missouri and Indiana were easy Republican wins for even halfway decent candidates.  Democrats have the tea party to thank for keeping control of the Senate, plain and simple.

I disagree with Republicans a lot, but I understand we need at least two functioning parties for our system to work.  Please Republicans, chase these tea idiots back into whatever caves they crawled out of four years ago, they are killing your party.

Chris Christie

I may have made fun of Chris Christie once or twice, or almost every time he's opened his mouth in front of a camera, but let me tell you why independent voters like him.  Most normal people understand that you can't expect a political party or a candidate to agree with you on everything.  All I want is for politicians to tell the truth about what they believe so I know who to vote for.

I still think Chris Christie is mostly a bully and a dumbass, but I like that he's at least honest.  It's sad that I know that's all it takes to make him one of the most respectable politicians in the country right now, but here we are.

Benghazi

You know this pisses me off, but Fox won't stop talking about it so here we go.  I have a vague recollection of something like 3,000 Americans dying all at once in a terrorist attack the last time a Republican was in the White House.  I could swear I was supposed to never forget that.  I could also swear that it took years for us to find out what actually happened and that the Bush administration had good intelligence that could have prevented it more than a month in advance.

I remember these things, just a little, but I don't remember it being an issue in the 2004 campaign.  Actually I do, I remember that same Republican President using it as a rallying cry.  What I don't remember is John Kerry trying to use the deaths of thousands of people as a political tool in an effort to win an election.  That's not why John Kerry lost, he lost because he was awful, but at least he lost with a little integrity.

So, Republican voters who are parroting this nonsense, I'm begging you to be smarter than this.  And for a more direct message to every Republican candidate, surrogate and person at Fox trying to use the deaths of four Americans to win an election because you don't have anything else to try.  You are a terrible human being.  Please go fuck yourself, and have a nice day.

Jeeps

The only thing I have to say about Mitt Romney being a liar is that he seems to be a little better at it than the rest of us.  Nobody is ever 100% sure what Mitt believes and trying to pinpoint his real position on anything would require a sort of political quantum mechanics that I don't think anyone has invented yet (possibly because Republicans don't believe in quantum mechanics, I'm not sure).  Having said that, I don't understand why people are so surprised by the Romney campaign's totally false commercial about shipping Jeep jobs to China.  A political campaign lied while also putting winning ahead of the good of the voters.  People are acting like nobody's ever done that before.  Welcome to politics folks.

Climate Change

This huge, unprecedented storm that basically shut down New York City really has a lot of people in public office and in the media talking about the effects of climate change and energy policy and what we have to do to get our climate back under control.  Ha! No, that's not true, I'm just fucking with you.  Nobody cares about that shit.  Science is hard and confusing.  Let's get back to talking about campaign tactics and why I'm supposed to be interested in Ohio once every four years.

FEMA

There are enough stupid things that Mitt Romney actually said that Democrats really don't need to twist words and extrapolate things to make him look stupid.  All Romney said was that, in general, it's always better to give things back to the states, and it's even better to give them back to the private sector.  Take it from someone who watched every minute of every Republican primary debate, this wasn't anything.

This wasn't serious suggestion about getting rid of FEMA, it was just another expression of the Republican fantasy that the private sector does everything better.  It's stupid and not even a little bit true, but saying things that are stupid and not even a little bit true is how you win Republican primaries.

OK that's it.  Please go vote tomorrow.  Try to vote for somebody smart and reasonable, but even if you can't bring yourself to do that, you should still vote.

Bad News

Sadly, tonight's final debate of the long campaign season will go off without my commentary, as I'll be at work for most if not all of it.  I may try to do something with Election Day, but seeing as this is the last debate, I wanted to say thank you.  For anyone who took the time to read and/or comment, I've enjoyed following all of these debates and I hope I gave you a laugh, and maybe even encouraged one or two more people to pay more attention.

It's probably for the best, I hate foreign policy debates.  Not because Mitt Romney will spend the night pandering to the simpletons in his party.  Not because Mitt Romney will say many many things that expose how little he knows about foreign policy only to have the media talk about how good he looked and how strong he sounded doing it.  Not even because I find it difficult to find any real difference between the two parties on many issues.

I hate foreign policy debates because I'm not sure they matter.  In my adult life, I've learned that we have no idea what foreign policy disasters the guy who wins this election is going to have to deal with. I'm not super interested in what these guys say they would do if something happens, because it's always the thing we don't expect that gets us.

What I want to know is who's smarter?  Who's more reasonable, who's more rational?  I don't care about canned answers on the issues we already know about.  I need to know which guy shows me that he's ready to handle the unexpected crisis?

And that's why I'm voting for Barack Obama.  Because he's just smarter.  He knows more and he's willing to learn more.  I honestly think Mitt Romney sees foreign policy as a campaign issue, not something he actually cares about.  And that's fine, but that's why he doesn't get my vote.

Round Two

This is very exciting.  Tonight's debate is being held at my alma mater, Hofstra University.  I assume the candidates will be expected to address important Hofstra issues like "can you still call it a unispan if there are three of them?" and "why didn't they have a Nathan's when I went to school there?" and "Is Hofstra red a real thing?". 

Tonight's debate is a town hall.  Yuck, these are always murder.  If professional grown-up journalists like Jim Lehrer can't even do a decent job of asking questions, what makes you think random people off the street (off the streets of Long Island, no less) can do it.  Maybe someone will get lucky and trip Mitt Romney up with a trick question like "Can you give us some specifics on your policy proposals?" or "I'm not wealthy, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does that make you hate me?".

During the last debate, Dave suggested these things should be scored like boxing matches, and I couldn't agree more, so that's what I'll be trying to accomplish tonight.  Since I'm the only person left in the world who actually watches boxing, a quick review of boxing scoring is in order, so let's go to HBO's Harold Lederman...

"OK Jim, the Barack Obama/Mitt Romney fight is scheduled for 10 rounds using the unified rules of the association of boxing commissions.  There is no three knockdown rule and a fighter cannot be saved by the bell in any round, including the 10th and final round.  Scoring is based on four criteria; clean punching, effective aggression, defense and ring generalship, with an emphasis on clean punching."

9:00PM: Tonight's moderator is CNN's Candy Crowley.  This is a perfect match for a town hall style debate since CNN gave up on journalism years ago and now basically just re-tweets the "news".

9:00PM: Once again, CNN's John King provided some piercing pre-debate insight by pointing out that the candidates shouldn't insult the people asking the questions.  Good tip John.  Also, they should try not to set anything on fire and they should definitely not take their pants off.

9:03PM: Romney says he knows what it takes to create good jobs again.  He didn't tell us what it takes, so you're just going to have to take his word for it.

9:06PM: Obama comes out swinging, mentioning the 5 million jobs created since he took office and laying out three specific points on job creation.

9:09PM: Romney accused President Obama of "taking Detroit bankrupt".  Dave asks "can you take something bankrupt?".  Mitt Romney can.

9:10PM: Obama says Romney doesn't have a five point plan, he has a one point plan, to let people at the top of the economy play by different rules.  I'm going to call that clean punching and effective aggression.  Round 1: 10-9 Obama.

9:12PM: Some guy just asked the President if he agrees that it's not the job of the Energy Department to lower gas prices.  Sigh.  In what way do people think the government controls gas prices?  Are these guys running for President of OPEC?

9:15PM: Romney says that the rise in oil production under President Obama hasn't come from federal land.  Does oil from non-federal land not make my car go?  I don't understand this criticism.

9:16PM: Mitt Romney is in favor of the energy sources of the future, specifically, future coal.

9:17PM: Obama "very little of what Governor Romney just said is true".  Ha!  He followed up immediately by citing something Mitt Romney said a while back and pointing out how it's completely different from what he just said.

9:18PM: Romney says oil production is down on Federal lands, Obama swears it's not.  They can't both be telling the truth.  If only there was some kind of journalist around who knew stuff and could tell us who was lying.

9:20PM: Romney says he will fight for oil, coal and natural gas.  That sounds 100% true to me.  If that's the President you want, go ahead and vote for Mitt.

9:21PM: Obama makes the most important point about gas prices, which is that they were just about where they are now in early 2008, then Bush detonated the economy and gas prices were almost cut in half, then Obama took office.  Round 2: 10-9 Obama.

9:23PM: Candy Crowley has already lost all control.  This is going to be a mess.

9:24PM: Romney says the middle class has been buried over the last four years.  He means the last 32 years, but who's counting?  Then he, once again, claims that he can cut everyone's taxes without anyone having to pay for it because he's a wizard (OK, I made up the last part).

9:27PM: Romney promises to cut the capital gains tax to 0% for middle income families.  He seriously doesn't understand that regular people don't have capital gains.  I don't have a joke for that one, that statement is its own joke.

9:30PM: I don't know why Romney continues to claim that he doesn't want to cut taxes for wealthy people.  That's literally the only thing his party believes in that isn't named jesus.

9:32PM: Mitt Romney is not going to stop talking until you acknowledge his five point plan.  It has five points!  Why aren't you listening to Mitt?  Five points!

9:34PM: Obama just called Romney's tax plan "a sketchy deal".  Zing!  Round 3: 10-9 Obama.

9:36PM: Romney says 4 trillion dollars in deficits is math that doesn't add up.  Actually, it adds up to four trillion.

9:37PM: My reaction to the girl asking the question about equal pay for women was "oh, that girl's cute".  I think I probably feel bad about that, though I'm not 100% sure why.  I'm not saying I wouldn't give her equal pay for equal work, I'm just saying I also think she's pretty.

9:40PM: Romney on equal pay for women; "bitches be trippin".  OK, he didn't really say that.  He actually told a story about how he tried to hire some women when he was Governor of Massachusetts and how he worked with them on flexible hours so they could get home and take care of their lady problems while the men kept working.

9:42PM: Obama takes the equal pay question as an opportunity to talk about contraception.  I'm going to have to deduct a point for that.  Round 4: 10-8 Romney.

9:46PM: Mitt Romney is really concerned about the rules of the debate, not really a good look for him.

9:46PM: An Obama campaign staffer, er, I mean, an undecided voter, just asked Romney how he's different from George W. Bush.

9:47PM: Mitt says his plan is so much different that what George Bush would have done.  Yeah, I mean, for one thing, Mitt's plan doesn't have a goofy Texas accent.

9:49PM: "Pioneer of outsourcing" was actually Mitt's nickname in high school.

9:51PM: Obama just suggested that Romney is actually worse than George Bush.  Ouch.  I'm scoring round 5 9-9 after deducting a point from Obama for the low blow.

9:52PM: Obama says he passed the toughest Wall St. reform since the 1930's.  He added "the implementation of that whole thing has been a clusterfuck, but hey, we passed it".

9:54PM: Not to agree with Mitt's incessant whining about the debate rules, but Obama is dominating the time of possession here.

9:55PM: Romney; "we can't afford four more years like the last four years".  That's basically his only point, and that's OK, but we also can't afford four years of stupid Reagan economic policies, so I feel like we're kind of at an impasse here.

9:58PM: Romney is sternly lecturing Obama on what a terrible President he's been.  I thought he was leading up to firing him.  Round 6: 10-9 Romney.

9:58PM: Oh, they got a Latina lady to ask the immigration question #classy.

10:01PM: Me: "wouldn't it be fun if they got a white person to ask the immigration question for once?".  Dave: "what, like a Canadian?"

10:02PM: I stopped listening for like 10 seconds and all of a sudden Obama was talking about gang-bangers.  OK, OK, I'm awake.

10:04PM: Romney just answered Candy Crowley's question by saying "no" and then making up his own question to answer, which included him defending the fact that his blind trust has invested in companies in China.

10:05PM: Romney to the President "have you looked at your pension?" Obama "mine isn't as big as yours so it doesn't take as long".  He got a good laugh out of the audience for that one.  Round 7: 10-9 Obama.

10:09PM: Obama started the Libya question by pointing out that ambassadors aren't some political football for him, he actually knows these people.  Honestly, that's the only thing I wanted to hear on this question.  Round 8: 10-9 Obama.

10:11PM: Romney says he feels deep sympathy for the families impacted by the Libya attack.  That didn't stop him from trying (and failing) to use it to score political points.

10:14PM: Obama is legit angry about having to keep talking about this Libya thing.  I have to say I'm happy to see him not being afraid to seem a little angry when anger is called for.

10:16PM: Mitt said Obama didn't call the Libya thing terrorism for two weeks and Crowley actually corrected Mitt and pointed out that Obama called it terrorism the next day.  Look at someone from CNN acting like a real journalist!  Blitzer must be so proud!

10:18PM: Question about the 2nd amendment and assault weapons.  Obama failed to point out that the 2nd amendment was written long before assault weapons were invented, but he did talk about trying to re-introduce an assault weapons ban, so that's better than nothing I guess.

10:20PM: Mitt says he isn't in favor of making new legislation about guns or taking guns away.  Another moment of honesty from Mitt, but then he somehow jumped from gun control to talking about how we should encourage people to get married if they're going to have a kid.  I'm counting that as a knockdown for Obama.  Round 9: 10-8 Obama.

10:24PM: Obama points out that Romney was for an assault weapons ban before he was against it.  That line works better if you get him to say it about himself like John Kerry did.

10:25PM: Obama jumped from guns to education.  Well, that's closer I guess, but I still don't really get it.  Crowley, as she did with Romney, jumped in and pointed out that the question was guns.  The candidates do not care.

10:27PM: Romney says he's going to make America more attractive again.  I feel like Romney's idea of more attractive would be lots of make-up, new expensive clothes and maybe some fake boobs.  I'm really more into a jeans and t-shirt, comfortable, casual looking America.

10:29PM: Me: "is this debate going to run long?  Is that even allowed?".  Dave: "No, res life has the room reserved at 11 for an in-service training".  I wouldn't include that joke, but so many people who read my blog were RAs or RDs at some point that I feel like everyone will get it.

10:31PM: Obama says Romney's company invested in "pioneers of outsourcing".  He says that's not his phrase, reporters said it.  Well, if reporters say it, it must be true.

10:32PM: How would Mitt Romney convince a company like Apple to bring jobs back to the US?  Come on, you know this one.  That's right!  The magic power of tax cuts!

10:33PM: Obama; "Candy, there are some jobs that are not gonna come back."  That's 100% true, but I feel like he's going to regret saying it.  Round 10: 10-9 Romney

10:34PM: Some guy just asked Romney what the biggest misperception about him is.  That's the same question I ask graduate students when I interview them for a job.  I guess I'm saying that I should be allowed to moderate the next debate.

10:36PM: Mitt says he believes in god.  Good for you champ.

10:37PM: Mitt says we're all children of the same god.  He added "I mean, not homosexuals and immigrants, but, ya know, regular people".

10:38PM: Obama "I believe Mitt Romney is a good man".  That's not going to poll well.  I'm not sure Mitt Romney believes Mitt Romney is a good man.

OK then, no closing statements.  My final score card has it 95-92 Obama, and as arbitrary as my scoring system was, I feel like that's pretty close to the mark.  Obama was tougher and more active this time.  I honestly think being out from behind a podium and being able to walk around like a normal person was good for him.  Romney only came armed with his one talking point about how bad the economy still is, and it got old after a while.  I'd call it a solid win for Obama, which is good because the third fight is already scheduled and nobody wants to see a third fight if the same guy wins the first two.

Let Them Eat Tax Cuts

I'm supposed to be surprised, right? 

Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people who "think they're entitled to food".  Mitt Romney knows that if starving people are just too lazy to ask their butler to go downstairs and tell their personal chef to fix them some breakfast, it's not the government's job to bail them out.  Get an intercom, jerks!  Or even better, just have a standing breakfast order with your personal chef and then you don't have to tell him to make you breakfast every day, he'll just bring it to you.  If starving people weren't so lazy and stupid, they'd be less starving, like Mitt.

But why am I supposed to be surprised by this?  This Presidential election has been going on since 1914.  Can you tell me one time when Mitt said something that made you believe that he thinks anything other than what we now have video of him saying?  I honestly can't.  There's no magical time before today when I can remember thinking Mitt Romney had any compassion for poor or working people, or any plans or ideas for how to help them. 

It's been a tough couple of weeks for Mitt.  His opportunistic and unbelievably stupid reaction to stuff being on fire and people being dead was a catastrophe, even for him.  It wasn't so much that he jumped on a national security crisis to try to score political points before it was even over.  It wasn't so much that he did it on September 11th (after all, Barack Obama didn't take a day off from emailing me and asking me for money on September 11th, which I thought was pretty stupid).  It was really two things.

First of all, Mitt failed so miserably at capitalizing on a national security crisis.  Nothing he said even made sense.  Listening to Mitt Romney talk about foreign policy is like listening to a four year old tell you where babies come from.  It's just rambling and incoherent and makes you wonder why his parents would bother telling him anything.

More importantly, Mitt doesn't have anything valuable to say about foreign policy at all.  That's what makes his little adventures into stupidity so infuriating.  Anybody can say something stupid, but when you don't have positions to fall back on that people can look at and say "well, he wasn't on his game today, but he's clearly not an actual moron", people start to wonder about you. 

Take Mitt's other comments about how maybe there's no peaceful solution between the Israelis and the Palestinians.  If someone smart said that, my reaction would be "shit, maybe they're right".  But when Mitt says it I just think "Middle East peace is hard, huh?  Thanks for the update captain dumbass."

But, again, I'm not surprised.  At no time during the 600 Republican primary debates did Mitt say anything that suggested his interest in foreign policy went beyond talking tough and promising not to apologize for things that nobody ever suggested apologizing for.  I just don't think he cares about it that much.

The same is true for Mitt's comments about 47% of Americans.  It wasn't that Mitt was saying things that were condescending and arrogant.  Barack Obama says condescending and arrogant things all the time, it's one of my favorite things about him.  The problem is that Mitt's actual economic policies square up with what he was saying so perfectly.  If your economic situation can't be significantly helped by tax cuts, then Mitt Romney doesn't really understand why you're bothering him. 

But again, there's just nothing surprising about this.  Mitt believes in the magic power of tax cuts.  If you're struggling to feed your family, Mitt's going to cut your boss' boss' taxes.  If you don't have a boss because you don't have a job, then Mitt's going to cut the taxes of some guy in your town who owns a business, and maybe he'll hire you...probably not though.  If your house is on fire, Mitt's going to put it out with tax cuts. 

And if that doesn't work, well, Mitt's pretty much out of ideas, and so is the rest of his party.  Well, except maybe jesus can help out too, that's always Republican plan B.  But he can't really help out, because he still isn't real.  I don't know if Mitt's mormon god, or gods, or whatever it is he believes in, are the kind of gods that are supposed to help with stuff, but unless Mitt's willing to lend you his magic underpants, I wouldn't hold my breath.

This is what Republicans believe in now.  Magic and fantasy.  If it can't be fixed by tax cuts or praying, then it can't be fixed by Republicans.  People are always whining about how Mitt doesn't give any specifics.  He doesn't have any!  It's like asking a magician to give you specifics about how he made the elephant appear out of nowhere.  He can't give you specifics, because that shit didn't actually happen.

And the people left in the Republican party with working brains are starting to chirp about the amazing lack of substance, common sense and basic competence from the Romney campaign.  Some of them have a right to complain, but most of them deserve to be blamed.  They embraced Sarah Palin.  They embraced the tea party.  How exactly did they think this story was going to end?

Last week, Rick Santorum said at their little apple pie and gay bashing rally that the "smart people" will never be on their side.  You said it, Rick.  

Lying Is Hard

I watch Chris Matthews most days if I'm home at 5PM.  I used to flip between him and Fox News, but since Fox let Glenn Beck go, their 5PM show is still just as stupid (thanks in large part to Eric Bolling, who is an absolute clown), but about 1000% less funny (Eric's more of a sad clown).  Matthews, on the other hand, remains as loud and entertaining as always.

Recently, one of the best parts of Chris' show is his almost constant befuddlement at the hands of Mitt Romney.  Every time Romney says something that doesn't make sense, or just doesn't sound exactly right, Matthews reacts as if Romney just ate an entire wheel of cheese and pooped in the refrigerator.  He's totally baffled by it.

This shouldn't be surprising.  Matthews has spent his whole life in politics.  He knows what a polished politician is supposed to sound like and he knows how polished a major party Presidential candidate should be.  Romney's inability to consistently, well, sound like a person, is an enigma for Chris, but not for me.

I was in a couple of plays in high school, and when I got a little experience with it, I realized that just memorizing your lines is stupid.  Lines are important, but it seemed like it was more important to actually understand what the character is trying to say.  That way, if you forget your line, you still sort of know what's supposed to be said, and you can get through it.  If you just memorize lines and then forget them, you're totally lost.

One of the simplest things about life is this, lying is hard.  At least harder than telling the truth.  The consequences of the truth might be less desirable, but telling the truth is always easier than lying, if for no other reason than the truth is easier to remember.

When Mitt Romney opens his mouth and something incomprehensible comes out, it's because he's out there playing Generic Ultra-Conservative Presidential Candidate Man, and sometimes he forgets his lines.  So, when Brian Williams asks him if London looks ready for the Olympics, he doesn't just say what he thinks.  He thinks, "what would Generic Ultra-Conservative Presidential Candidate Man have to say about that?", and then he tries to say something that sort of sounds supportive but also reminds the world that America is the best and fuck you. 

But Mitt isn't always playing Generic Ultra-Conservative Presidential Candidate Man.  Sometimes he's playing Guy Who Can Relate To Regular People.  Guy Who Can Relate To Regular People might show up in Michigan babbling about how the trees are the right height, because Mitt can't exactly remember Guy Who Can Relate To Regular People's lines, but he knows that regular people care very deeply about tree height.

But then sometimes Mitt has to play Bat-Shit Crazy Foreign Policy Lunatic.  Bat-Shit Crazy Foreign Policy Lunatic says things about how we'll always support Israel no matter what they decide to do, and how Israel has a better economy than the Palestinians because the Israeli culture is inherently superior.  He's just trying to say things that sound strong and tough and supportive of Israel while also appeasing the base of his party by sounding vaguely anti-muslim, and in this case it's less about him forgetting his lines and more about the people writing his lines being dumb.  Either way, it's a mess.

And listen, my problem with Mitt Romney isn't that he made the Palestinians angry.  My problem is that this man who wants to be in charge of our foreign policy thinks it's OK to add another ring to the million ring circus that is the middle east in an effort to do some least common denominator pandering for votes at home.  Mitt Romney should have to wear a sign whenever he leaves the country that clearly states he doesn't speak for the rest of us.  In fact, a lot of people should.  Can I be the one who decides who gets a sign?  I'd be really good at that.

Anyway, I can only conclude that Mitt Romney's actual self is too unlikeable for him to be honest with us and still win.  I suspect that I would probably like actual Mitt Romney.  He's probably one of those guys who makes mean jokes and everyone laughs while he's in the room and then when he leaves everyone talks about what a jerk he is.  I usually like those people, but other people usually think they're mean and probably wouldn't vote for them.

I work with college students, and when I give them interview advice one thing I always say is be yourself, because if you get the job people are going to expect to work with the person they interviewed, and if you don't get the job, at least you gave it your best shot.  You don't want to go on an interview, be fake, and then not get the job and be left wondering what would have happened if they had met the real you.

So I'm wondering if we're going to look back on this election and wonder what would have happened if we had met the real Mitt Romney.  And I'm wondering if there even is a real Mitt Romney.  And if there isn't a real Mitt Romney, that really worries me.  There are times when a caretaker President who doesn't have much in the way of his own opinions/values/personality will do just fine.  This doesn't really seem like one of those times.

What I Want From Republicans

At Thanksgiving, my aunt asked me if I still consider myself politically independent.  Seeing as how I've dedicated most of this blog space over the last three months to mocking Republican Presidential candidates and calling them stupid, it was a pretty fair question.

On the drive home, I thought about it a little and tried to be honest with myself.  Could I really ever see myself voting for a Republican?  I certainly won't vote for Scott Brown in Massachusetts next year.  He's running against Elizabeth Warren, who, if elected, would immediately become the best Senator in the Senate. 

But would I vote for any Republican, under any circumstances?  Yes, yes I would.  Here's what I'm looking for in future Republicans.  One quick but important note.  My support for these hypothetical future Republicans assumes that future Democrats will remain mostly cowardly, disorganized and incompetent. 

First of all, shut up about jesus.  Listen, I'm not so delusional that I think I'll actually get to vote for a Presidential candidate in my lifetime who doesn't believe in the magic invisible spacegod.  I can live with that.  But, can I just have someone who doesn't feel the need to end every speech with a laundry list of things he'd like his invisible friend to bless?  Someone who doesn't think it's more important to pray for homosexuals than it is to just let them have equal rights? Someone whose brain is capable of accepting scientific realities, even when they conflict with our culture's mythology? 

Even my man Ron Paul rambles on about god from time to time.  It breaks my heart.  I'm not saying I expect Presidential candidates to give up their faith when they run.  I just want someone who talks about reality at work and saves the mythology for home.  Is that really too much to ask?

Next, I'd like a candidate who offers economic policies that aren't just tax cuts.  Perpetually lower taxes isn't a viable policy position.  Rick Santorum, king of the idiots, has been proposing a 0% tax rate for manufacturing.  Zero!  As if we can tax cut our way back to 1953.  If Congress cut all tax rates to 1% today, Republicans would spend the next election telling us how those tax-and-spendocrats in Washington think they're entitled to a whole percent of your money.  I'm not wrong about this.

The Republican response to the wall street occupiers has really tipped their hand on the economy.  Instead of the rational response ("These people obviously have a point about wealth disparity, corruption and the incredibly blurry line between the financial sector and our government...but what do bongo drums have to do with any of that"), Republicans totally flipped out ("Get a job! And take a shower!"). 

This knee-jerk animosity toward anyone who threatens to give the game away tells you all you need to know about Republican economic policy.  Is a candidate who thinks the economy works best when it works for everyone too much to ask for?  Really?

Also, grow up a little on foreign policy.  The Republican party (other than Ron Paul, of course) still lives in this fantasy world where America is the only country that matters and everyone just needs to do what we say.  It isn't like that anymore.  I'm not saying I want a candidate who doesn't want us to lead sometimes, but can I get a candidate who doesn't think calling something "European" is an insult?  How hard is that?

I'm not asking for much, just someone who doesn't criticize the current President for not being an arrogant dick whenever he goes abroad.  And maybe even someone who isn't super eager to wade into every internal conflict in some other country by sending our troops there for an indefinite period of time, because once they get there, they can't ever leave or we're letting the terrorists win. 

If I could get even two out of these three things from a Republican candidate, I would seriously considering voting for him or her.  I don't like having to go vote for Democrats.  It's no fun.  Democrats aren't really any different from Republicans.  Here's a good example.

Republicans have become deficit hawks.  Being a deficit hawk while you're trying to dig your way out of a recession is pretty stupid.  Are the Democrats saying that and arguing for a totally different and better way.  No!  They're deficit hawks too, they're just worse at it.  So they propose awful half measures that are big enough to add to the deficit but not big enough to actually help.  Well done.

You might be tempted to point out that I seem to disagree with almost the entire Republican platform.  And you'd be right, that's the problem.  The Republican platform is made up almost entirely of nonsense.  It shouldn't be, and it doesn't have to be.  And if it wasn't, I'd be willing to vote for some Republicans.  I swear.

Not Ready For Prime Time

I'm looking forward to this a little.  Why?  This is the first time these candidates have debated on a network, and I found out this debate is only an hour long.  To me, that says they may try to dumb it down a little, for the broader audience and with less time to talk.  What happens when the likes of Bachmann, Perry and Gingrich try to dumb themselves down?  I don't know, but I think it's certainly possible the vortex of stupidity could open up a portal to another dimension.  Granted, it would be a very stupid dimension, but still, I think, worth seeing.

Why is this one only an hour?  I can only surmise that CBS figured some of these people would be able to muster some dignity by now, or borrow some from a friend, and stop embarrassing themselves...I'm looking at you Rick Santorum.  Actually wait, I shouldn't say that.  Rick Santorum isn't an embarrassment to himself so much as he's an embarrassment to America and the entire human race. 

8:00PM: CBS started the debate with what I have to describe as a montage of the craziest things each candidate has said in all the previous debates.  I think these people deserve to be mocked as much as anyone, but, honestly, that seemed like a low blow.

8:01PM: One of the moderators just said this debate would last 90 minutes, so I've got conflicting reports on length now.  Maybe they'll just do the last 30 minutes off camera since everybody will have tuned out by then anyway.

8:04PM: Confirmation that the first 60 minutes will take place on TV, while the last 30 minutes will happen on the internet.  CBS doesn't have 90 minutes to dedicate to electing the leader of the free world, they have very important NCIS reruns to broadcast.

8:06PM: Herman Cain suggested helping the opposition movement in Iran, but not militarily.  I guess he's planning to send them juice boxes and lunchables and what-not.

8:07PM: Romney calls Iran President Obama's "greatest failure", then promises that if he's elected President, Iran will never have nuclear weapons.  I'm almost willing to vote for him just to see him fail.

8:09PM: Gingrich just proposed taking out certain Iranian capabilities in a way that is "covert and deniable".  I'm not sure he meant to say that out loud, that wasn't very covert.

8:10PM: Ron Paul finally sets us straight by pointing out that war with Iran would be stupid, and that the President can't just go to war on his own.  If I could elect Ron just to run foreign policy, I would sprint to the voting booth to do it.

8:13PM: Santorum suggests neutering the taliban.  I'd like to suggest neutering Rick Santorum. 

8:16PM: Bachmann's main point about Afghanistan - everything good that happens can be attributed to our troops, everything bad that happens is the President's fault.  And really, that's a pretty good summation of the Repubilcan party platform.  Well done, Congresswoman.

8:17PM: Huntsman says it's time to come home from Afghanistan...saying "I don't wanna be nation building in Afghanistan when this nation (America) needs to be built".  See?  I told you he may not be a moron.

8:19PM: I think Newt wants to go to war with Pakistan too.  I guess, in Newt's mind, the sight of him as President will be enough to convince millions more Americans to enlist in the military so we can fight all the wars Newt wants to start.

8:21PM: When asked if Pakistan is a friend or foe, Cain says "we don't know".  Well Herman, I know you don't know, but that doesn't mean we don't know.

8:22PM: Perry got a similar question and totally dodged it, possibly because he doesn't know what Pakistan is.  Then he says the foreign aid budget in his administration would start at "zero dollars" for every country.  I have a feeling Israel's budget would find it's way up from zero pretty quickly.

8:25PM: Bachmann just placed Pakistan in the middle east.  I feel like that's a stretch, but OK.  I would probably accept that from someone I didn't think was an idiot, but I have a feeling Bachmann defines "middle east" as anywhere muslims live. 

8:26PM: Later, Bachmann says it's clear the stage is being set for worldwide nuclear war against Israel.  Don't worry Israel, she's not terribly bright.

8:30PM: I think Santorum just suggested stimulating our economy by selling military hardware to Pakistan, but only after we make friends with them and stuff.

8:34PM: Sounds like Newt said something stupid on the radio yesterday.  When asked about it, his explanation was, "I was on the radio".  It's a well known fact that whatever you say on the radio doesn't count.

8:36PM: Cain's brilliant plan for his administration is to have advisers around him.  That's quite an idea.  He should also consider living in a big white house, and maybe getting some armed guards or something like that.

8:37PM: Santorum very directly promises to only hire people that completely agree with him (proof that he knows he's too stupid to even defend his positions to people who work for him).  Then he says he hopes that the problems he's been hearing about in Iran are actually covert American operations.  Seriously, you guys, shhhhhh!

8:39PM: Question to Perry, what would he do with our nuclear weapons if he eliminated the Department of Energy.  His answer? There are plenty of places in government we could put our nuclear weapons, but he decided not to name any of them.  I guess it's a secret.

8:40PM: Question about Cain's stance on torture.  He says "I do not agree with torture, period...however..." Stop right there!  Nothing comes after period, that's what periods are for.  Cain, of course, went on to reveal that he's actually pro-torture as long as we call it something else.

8:42PM: Bachmann too...everyone loves torture as long as you call it enhanced interrogation.  That's a fun little trick we can thank the Bush administration for.

8:42PM: Ron's turn, go get 'em Ron!

8:43PM: Ron points out that waterboarding is definitely torture, as well as being "immoral" "uncivilized" "illegal" and ineffective.  I think I missed a few too.  As always, Ron's the best.

8:44PM: Huntsman is against torture too.  That won't do him a lot of good after the debate when Perry and Bachmann are waterboarding him just for shits and giggles.

8:46PM: Romney uses one of my least favorite talking points, calling America "exceptional".  This annoys me so much.  We're so happy with ourselves.  I'll vote for anyone who will be honest for five seconds and tell us that we're not really that special.  Why is this important?  Because the people who believe we're somehow entitled to being the greatest country in the world for ever and ever because their imaginary friend said so are the same people who don't see a problem with the destruction of our middle class, and that's not a coincidence.

8:48PM: Perry says the Communist Chinese government will wind up on the ash heap of history.  China may be older than Rick Perry believes the earth is, but I'm sure he's got a fool-proof plan for getting rid of them.

8:51PM: Romney's back to his brilliant idea of having a trade war with China, saying that we're already in a war and they're stealing our jobs.  I love this phrasing, as if China is sneaking over here in the middle of the night with a ski mask on and putting jobs in a big sack and taking them home.  When actually, what's happening is our lovely corporations, whose taxes Mitt and everyone else on stage can't wait to cut, again, are voluntarily moving jobs to China where labor is cheaper and regulation is softer or non-existent.  I'm not sure stealing is the most exact description, but it certainly sounds the most scary.

8:52PM: Huntsman, the guy who worked in China, is happy to point out that Mitt is just flat wrong, and then he used a weird word I hadn't heard yet in these debates...diplomacy?  Is that how you spell it?  Most of the other candidates looked as puzzled as I am.  Is that some kind of fancy way of saying war?

8:56PM: Ohhhh, a twitter question! Fun! The question was, would Israel's foreign aid budget also start at zero.  Perry says yes, but then says not really, because Israel is "a special ally".  I don't have anything against Israel, it just annoys me that idiots can get votes from other idiots by pretending to give a crap about Israel.

8:59PM: TV time is over now, let's see if I can find the rest online. 

9:00PM: Hey! It's working!

9:01PM: First internet question - should we increase military spending?

9:02PM: Bachmann takes the long way to saying that she's all for cutting military spending, as long as by cutting military spending you mean repealing Obamacare.

OK, screw this.  I don't know what CBS is up to, but their debate feed was cutting out on every third word, making these candidates even more incoherent than usual.  I tried, but I'll have to settle for two-thirds of tonight's debate and I'll just have to guess at what happened in the last half hour.  One guess for each candidate:

Perry: Let's say he finally fell asleep this time.
Romney: Said something arrogant while smirking.
Paul: Suggested putting an end to something government is currently doing.
Bachmann: Said the word Obamacare 13 more times.
Cain: 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999
Huntsman: Said something reasonable and got booed for it.
Santorum: Lit his podium on fire after someone told him a "gay" had touched it earlier.
Newtster: Bitched about the questions (which he's apparently required by law to do at least once per debate).

Herman Cain Keeps It Simple

The Republican nomination for 2012 is up for grabs, and for at least the 5th time this year, someone new has jumped to the front of the line.  Herman Cain is surging in the polls, and it isn't just because Mitt Romney is most likely a robot sent from the future to bore us all to death so the robots can take over.  Herman gets it.  People like things simple.  Like Herman's 999 tax plan (an idea stolen, quite obviously, from one of my favorite bands http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bimNMiz250). 

That's 9% taxes, sales tax, income tax, whatever.  Sure, it doesn't "make economic sense" and it couldn't "get any votes in Congress", but that's not what Mr. Cain cares about.  He's not one of those political types who wants to "do realistic things" or "govern the country properly".  He just wants to keep it simple.  And he's soooo right you guys.  In America, everything we do to run the country should be so simple a drunk toddler can understand it. 

And that's not all.  Herman Cain is the same guy who once suggested that Congress shouldn't pass any legislation longer than three pages.  That was a while ago now, and I'm hearing that Herman is refining this plan so that, under a Cain Presidency, all laws must be constructed in tweet form.  If it's more than 140 characters, Herman Cain won't sign it!

But why stop there?  Why just fix the tax code and Congress when we have so many other problems?  Well, I have an inside source and I'm here to tell you, Herman isn't stopping there.  Here are some of the other plans you can expect to hear from Mr. Cain in the coming weeks and months.

Law Enforcement: The Super 12 Plan
Anyone who is convicted of a crime, no matter what they did, goes to jail for exactly 12 years.  Jaywalking?  12 years.  Arrested for occupying Wall St.?  12 years.  Beat a mime to death with a pogo stick?  12 years.  Our criminal justice systems spends way to much time and taxpayer money trying to figure out "fair" sentences and when someone should be allowed to get out of jail.  And if 12 years wasn't enough for you, you can just kill another mime and go right back for 12 more years.

Foreign Policy: The Law of Threes
We must always be in three wars at any given time, no more, no less.  And any war we enter must last exactly three years.  See, this way, there's no messy and confusing public debate about whether or not we should go to war with another country.  It's simple!  How many wars are we in right now?  If it's three, than sorry, no new wars today, but we'll put it on the waiting list.  But if it's less than three, everybody in Yemen better run because it's bombin' time! 

Additionally, no more hard decisions about when to leave a country we've reduced to rubble.  Three years and we're done...and you're welcome.  You wouldn't leave a pizza in the oven after the timer went off, right?

Health Care: The NyQuil Plan
We all know trying to get people affordable access to health care is socialism.  And who needs all those fancy-pants doctors anyway?  They're always using big words nobody can understand like "myocardial" and "kidney".  If you're not feeling well in President Cain's America, just go to the store and get yourself some NyQuil.  You don't need to "know" what's wrong, NyQuil will fix it, or put you to sleep until it goes away on it's own. 

They don't all have to be about numbers.  This isn't about numbers, it's about keeping it simple.

Energy: Drill Baby Drill
We all know the two biggest problems with energy.  Number one, we're just not drilling enough.  We all know that god has placed an infinite amount of oil in the Earth for us to use (well, not infinite, but enough so that we'll have some until whenever Jesus comes back).  Unfortunately, godless hippies keep complaining about how we're "running out of oil" and how we need to "plan for the future".  Stupid jerks.  What we need to do is drill more.  And we need to be able to do it without interference from the second problem, regulation.

So here's the two-part plan.  First, everybody gets a drill.  On day one of a Cain Presidency, you'll come downstairs in the morning and, just like Christmas, you'll find your livingroom full of oil drilling equipment.  Drill in your backyard, your front yard, the street in front of your house, under your basement, anywhere you think oil might be.  More drilling=more oil, so if we're all drilling, then we'll have all the oil we'll ever need.  Of course, once you find the oil, you have to give the property you found it under to a big oil company.  Herman won't jeopardize profits, he's not insane. 

As for part two, we have to find a way around these environmentalists and their government regulation, so here's the deal.  Let's say you're visiting the Gulf of Mexico, or ANWR.  As a good American, you've got your drilling supplies with you.  Let's say you come across a little piece of land you think might have some oil under it and you'd like to drill and find out.  No problem.  Just yell OIL! really loud and wait 15 minutes.  If Al Gore doesn't show up to complain, start drilling baby. 

What about alternative energy?  What about it?  Herman Cain doesn't buy into liberal myths like "wind" or "the sun".  Having more than one energy source is super complicated.  We're sticking with what we know.

The Economy: Lucky Sevens
Cain's 999 plan is a start, but that's not all.  To fix this economy and put America back to work, Cain has a seven point economic plan which is sure to do the trick.

1) Right now, unemployment insurance can last up to 99 weeks.  Republicans know that's way too long, and people need incentive to get back to work.  Under a Cain Presidency, unemployment will last for 7 days, plenty of time to find a new job and get back to work.

2) Drop the minimum wage down to 7 cents an hour.  Listen people, we need to compete with China.  Do you want to move all the way to China for a job?  Or do you just want to live like a Chinese worker right here in America?  I thought so.

3) Get rid of unions until there's only 7 left in the country.  And by 7, I mean 0.

4) Once a week, President Cain will pick the names of seven poor families out of a hat (hat's gonna be pretty full most weeks with the new minimum wage).  He'll send the 7 lucky winners a pizza.  There's no free lunches in America, so they'll have to pay him back once they decide to stop being poor.

5) TBD

7) 9+9+9=7 (right?)

Only 6 points, you say?  Listen, Herman Cain isn't worried about counting to seven, he's worried about America.  He's gonna build a 20-foot electric border fence with an alligator moat, he's gonna keep things simple and he's gonna fix the country...or maybe he's just gonna go on a book tour and endorse Rick Perry.  Who the hell knows?

OK, this was fun, but the truth is, Cain's recent surge in popularity points to a more serious problem.  It's not a surprise that the tea people have suddenly latched onto Herman and his promise to make everything simple enough for them to understand.  This is what happens when one party's message and platform get overrun by the misinformed masses. 

It's easy to dismiss Cain as the new flavor of the week and say he'll be back down at 5% a month from now.  But what if that doesn't happen?  Cain is just crazy enough to go through all of the remaining 349 debates without saying anything rational enough to get him in trouble with the tea people.  And what if Romney stumbles?  What if Cain somehow gets the nomination?  The President is vulnerable, the economy doesn't look to be turning around anytime soon.  There are perfectly realistic scenarios in which any Republican nominee beats the President.  President Cain?  Certainly not likely, but it's hard to say, at this point, that's it's impossible.  This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.