Sean and Soccer Save the World

Years ago, during the 2010 World Cup final http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/07/two-teams-one-cup.html, I commented that any part of life could be improved by employing the same yellow card/red card system used in soccer games.  I always meant to elaborate on that, but then we all got really into planking, and then the 2012 election happened and I just sort of forgot about it.  It's never too late to make the world a better place though, so here goes.

First of all, if you're not a soccer fan, let me briefly review how cards work in soccer (and if you are a soccer fan...ya know...why?).  If you're playing soccer and you do something mildly alarming, like accidentally kick a guy in the shin while going for the ball, or hold the back of someone's jersey so they try to get the ball but can't and it's pretty hilarious but also not allowed, then the referee may run up to you and waive a yellow card at you.  The referee will also write your name down, I've noticed.  A yellow card is basically a warning to please stop doing dickish things to your fellow soccer players or else.  Or else what?

Well, let's say you do something very alarming, like picking the ball up and spiking it onto the referee's head, or intentionally kicking a fellow soccer man directly in the testicles.  At that point, the referee (assuming his head isn't bleeding too badly) will run up to you and waive a red card in your face.  When that happens, you have to leave and no more soccering for you today.  I suppose you could go to a park down the street or something and play in a different game, but the people in the park would probably ask you why you left your original game, and you'd say you kicked someone in the genitals, and then they would probably say they don't really want to play with you.

You also get a red card if you get a second yellow card in the same game, and it seems that if you get a second yellow card in two different games in the same tournament you have to sit out the next game after that.  It seems odd that two overly aggressive attempts to steal the ball would result in the same penalty as punching a goalie in the face for no reason, but I guess it's the only way to make the yellow cards meaningful.

Clearly, this would be an excellent addition to everyday life, so the question is how do we implement it effectively?  First of all, I'm only worried about American implementation.  I can't control the rest of the world and for all I know Europe and South America already use soccer cards in everyday life, those people love soccer.  I can't force Canada to do anything, and honestly they're already so polite they may not need this.  So just America, at least for starters.

Step one is easy.  Just have the Department of the Interior mail every American citizen their cards.  I can't imagine two cards for everyone would be all that expensive, although they would need some technology in them and we'll get to that in a minute.  The technology probably rules out getting them online, although I guess we could just all use our phones.  I don't know, people like getting mail sometimes.  I've always wanted a pen pal.

This also raises the question of whether or not kids get cards.  I think we need to hash out the process and consequences a little more before we decide if we can trust kids with this responsibility, so let's put a pin in that and get back to it. 

Alright so everybody has cards, now what?  Well, I think, and some people are probably going to be a little uncomfortable with this, but I think the only way to do this correctly is for everyone to get chips implanted in their heads.  I thought about this for 30 or 45 seconds and I really can't think of a better plan.  Now before you say no, just think about a couple of things.  First of all, we're not putting chips in your brain, just in your head.  Under the skin somewhere, but outside your skull.  That's not so bad, right?  More importantly, this only works to improve the world if we all play along.  If you try to give a stranger a yellow card and they just run away and don't give you their name, the system ceases to work.  If there's a chip in your card and a chip in the stranger's head, his yellow card is immediately recorded in the card database and he can run all he wants, he still has a yellow card.

This brings us to the other piece of technology we'll be needing.  Hand held cards are good for work and grocery stores and stuff, but we would absolutely need to integrate the card system into driving.  This shouldn't be that hard.  Every car would need to be equipped with a sensor and a voice activated card system.  If you need to give another car a card while driving, you would just say "Car in front of me, yellow card" and then the car in front of you would get a yellow card.  Ideally, yellow lights would flash in his car for a minute to alert him.  This would be fun but not entirely necessary.

Whenever you get a chance, when you get home or whatever, you would just log into the database and put in the specific reasons for whatever cards you issued that day.  There has to be some review process.  We can't just have people issuing cards with no oversight.  We would need a team of card administrators reviewing all cards issued and reasons given, and either approving or disallowing them.  This leads to the next big element...valid reasons for giving a card.

You have to understand that this system isn't meant to replace our criminal justice system.  If somebody shoots you in the face or robs your house or something, they would still go to jail.  Cards are for those things that are really annoying and everybody hates you for doing, but aren't necessarily illegal.  At the same time, we can't let people use the cards to be mean or get revenge for stuff.  If you ask someone to lunch and they say no, you can't give them a yellow card.  People have the right to not have lunch with you. 

We'd start with a committee to generate a starter list of valid reasons for cards.  The committee would consist of the following people:
Me (obviously)
Neil Degrasse Tyson
Norm MacDonald
Emma Stone
Ronald Reagan's Ghost (I know, but everybody has to feel represented on the committee.  We can't have an entire country of Republicans refusing to participate in the card system)
Beyoncé or Jay-Z, but not both of them
Slash
Ian Darke (for soccer knowledge and Britishness)
Elizabeth Warren
Stephen Hawking (I know we already have a scientist, but I'm just looking for smart people, multiple scientists were bound to happen)
The Pope (not the last guy, but definitely the current guy)
Gibbs
Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart, but again, not both of them
Ellen Page
Hemingway's Ghost (as long as we're inviting ghosts)
Morgan Freeman
Tina Fey (I'm iffy on Tina, but the committee needs more women)

I'm open to other suggestions for the committee.  It clearly needs a few more women.  I thought about Kirsten Gillebrand but we already have a Senator and the Senate already has enough power.  I would think the committee could get pretty big, maybe around 30 people. 

Once the committee generated a starter list, we could roll out the system, but we could continue to add things to the list as they come up.  Any new reason entered into the database would be reviewed by an administrator.  If the administrator saw some validity, the reason would be submitted to the committee and it would need to be approved by a 2/3 majority.  Committee members would have lifetime appointments.  When they died, the remaining members of the committee would replace them in a very secretive process that I really can't tell you about because it's a secret.

Since I'm on the committee, I can give you a quick preview of some of the things that will earn you a card...

Yellow Cards
-Driving below the speed limit on a one lane road
-Using the self check-out at the grocery store when you clearly don't know how to use the self check-out at the grocery store
-Coming into my office without commenting on the awesome art that now resides in my office
-Watching Thursday night football when your fantasy team isn't directly impacted
-Telling people you're "from New York" when you're actually from upstate New York.  North of Westchester is just meth labs and broken dreams.
-Wearing a bike helmet as an adult
-Not being willing to admit that SVU is unwatchable without Stabler
-Playing video games as an adult
-Trying to get on the subway or an elevator before other people get off
-Walking slowly on the sidewalk (New York City only)

Red Cards
-Being mean to an animal in any way that falls short of breaking the law (stinging insects do not in any way count as animals and you can be as mean to them as you want)
-Leaving a crappy tip for no good reason
-Burping loudly in public and then reacting as though you've accomplished something or done something funny.
-Day drinking after you've graduated college.  You could literally say to people "go home, you're drunk" and they would have to listen to you.  How fun would that be?

What happens when you get a card?  Yellow cards are easy.  Yellow cards are just a warning, so nothing really has to happen.  We're not doing the whole two yellow cards equals a red card thing because I think that's silly in real life, so yellow cards have no concrete consequences, you just feel shame, which should be enough.  You could even issue some joking yellow cards to friends, but we'd keep an eye on you because too many joke yellow cards would corrupt the system.  If you issued too many joke yellow cards, me or Neil would show up personally to issue you a red card and take your cards away for some indefinite period of time.  Once you were cardless, people could do whatever they wanted to you.  You don't want that.

Red cards are tough though.  Part of the efficacy of the red card is the immediacy of the impact.  You get a red card and then you leave.  There's no appeal or second opinion, you just leave.  So, ideally, if you were driving and you got a red card, your car would automatically drive you to your house and then shut off and refuse to start again for 24 hours.  In general, a red card would ban you from participating in whatever activity you were doing incorrectly for some period of time.  We'd have to figure out how we define certain activities.  If you got a red card for being a crappy tipper, would you be banned from eating for 24 hours or banned from that particular restaurant for a year?  Something else for the committee to consider.  

Anyway, I think we could only let people give red cards for pre-approved reasons.  If somebody does something you think should be a red card, but it isn't on the list, then you can't give the card.  You can give them a yellow card and suggest that the committee make the offense a red card, and then maybe it would be a red card in the future.  We'd all have to have some patience with the system at first while we worked out the kinks.  I promise it'll be worth it.

Erroneous red cards would be very bad.  If you're caught giving somebody a red card for something they didn't actually do, you would most likely have to serve significant prison time.  Same goes for ignoring a red card that has been appropriately issued to you. That's really the only way to keep people in line.  Everybody needs to respect the system or it won't work. 

Back to whether or not kids get cards.  I feel like they should.  Bad parenting isn't punished nearly enough in our society.  I think allowing kids to give red cards to their parents would really raise the bar a little bit.  Remember, you could only give red cards for pre-approved reasons, so there's a defense in place to keep kids from inappropriately using the cards against their parents.  I think for kids, instead of prison time for an erroneous red card, we would probably just have to take their cards away until they turned 18.  I think this would all work out just fine.

Once we get the system in place and we get a good working list of red card offenses, I think this is going to go really well.  The best part is, people are always complaining that Americans don't respect soccer enough, and we still won't, but now we can give those people yellow cards for complaining.

Argentina v. Zee Germans

-Well, the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn't it?
--...proper fucked?
-Yeah, Tommy.  Before zee Germans get there.

Welcome to the World Cup final.  I'm disappointed to not see the Dutch today.  They're just so very orange.  But, sadly, that's just the way soccer goes sometimes.  Fun fact about Holland: the password to every computer in Holland is ruud_van_nistelrooy.

At least the Americans aren't in the final.  Just imagine how annoying you people would be if they were.  Two extra weeks of hearing about how this time is going to be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  We never learn.  No time will ever be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  You know why?  Because we have better sports.  It's not a knock on soccer, it's just the reality.  We have like 10 different options that are better than MLS.  We just do.  The Premier League is fantastic, you should watch it sometime, you'd love it.  MLS sucks, and I don't see that changing.  I love football, but I don't watch the CFL.  You know why?  Because it's silly and pointless, just like MLS.

It's just about time to get started, and I assume we're all rooting for Germany, right?  Listen, Germany is only good at two things, soccer and apocalyptic genocide.  I think it's in all of our best interests to keep them happy about soccer.  Poland, if Argentina wins this game, you'd better start running.

I just found out that last time these two teams met in the World Cup final, Germany (then West Germany, so that's fun) won the match on a "debatable late penalty".  As far as I can tell, every penalty kick ever awarded in the history of soccer can be described as "debatable".

I have two of the same observations I had four years ago, and they both bear repeating.  First of all, I love how the World Cup does the national anthems.  No pop singers, no nonsense, just poor quality recordings through the stadium PA, which the crowd is happy to sing along with.  It's perfect.  And second, seriously, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS WHO COME OUT ON THE FIELD WITH THE PLAYERS??  Why are they there?  It's the strangest sports custom I've ever seen.  Why?  Why soccer??

1st minute: Argentina are wearing a shade of blue I don't believe I've ever seen before.  It's marvelous.

3rd minute: A German player gets casually bumped and falls down like he's been shot.  Free kick to Germany.  Germany kicks the ball directly into a wall of Argentinians.  Argentines?  People from Argentina.

4th minute: Argentina just had a really good chance, but the announcers didn't really react.  They need to get warmed up.  Not a criticism, by the way.  I wish Ian Darke could do every sporting event in the world, and narrate my life.

8th minute: Messi just did some stuff Ian described as "a little alarming" for Germany.  Messi, apparently, is very good at soccer and Ian gets very excited whenever he touches the ball.

10th minute: "A bright start" for Argentina.  The consensus seems to be that the Brazilian fans would rather Argentina not win a World Cup on Brazil's home turf, but honestly, it's kind of hard to tell who the crowd is rooting for.  I'm hearing a lot of chanting and they're cheering for basically everything that happens.

13th minute: "A lovely looking cross" for the Germans, but nothing to show for it.

15th minute: Argentina has a fantastic four up front.  Not the fantastic four, just a fantastic four.

16th minute: According to the advertising on the side of the pitch (I used a soccer word!), McDonald's has a gol! app, which I assume you can use to eat McDonald's every day for a year and then never play soccer again because you have diabetes.

17th minute: Some poor German guy just took a shoulder to the head.  He tried to get up and then fell back down again.  He's going to need a minute.

19th minute: As far as I can tell, Germany are playing a man down until they figure out whether or not that guy has a concussion.  That seems like a bad game plan.  Soccer is weird.

21st minute: A German turnover just resulted in "a glorious chance" for Argentina, but they kicked the ball "way, way, way wide".

22nd minute: Ian and his buddy are still mocking how far wide the Argentinian player kicked the ball.  They think Messi would have nailed it.  In other news, concussion guy is apparently fine and back in the game.

Fun soccer fact: Every time a team gets a free kick against Germany and they form a wall 10 yards away from the kick, the other team is required by FIFA rules to have at least one player on their bench make a Berlin wall joke.

28th minute: Germany almost scored on a ball which both announcers described as lovely, but they were offside.  I hate soccer's offside rule as much as I hate anything in sports.  There's no offside line, you just can't run behind the last defender until the ball has been kicked to you.  They're basically punishing players for being faster and smarter than their opponents.  I hate it.  Just paint an offside line on the field.  How hard is that?

29th minute: A German player with an incredibly German name just got the first yellow card of the game for barely running into someone.

30th minute: Argentina just scored, but not really because they were offside.  Ugh.

31st minute: Germany's concussion guy just fell down again, so after 10 minutes of letting him play with a concussion, the Germans finally decided he should probably just sit the rest of this one out.  The announcers are correctly hammering the Germans for letting him play.

33rd minute: Ian and his buddy are openly mocking a dive taken by an Argentinian player.  So even soccer people can see this.  The NHL fixed this problem, why can't FIFA?

34th minute: A German player just tried to kick an Argentinian player in the testicles.  He got a yellow card.  Ian added "that's yellow plus".  Damn straight.

36th minute: Messi almost did a thing, but the Germans stopped him.  That led to a corner kick which, like most corner kicks, led to nothing.

37th minute: Really fun sequence here.  Right after Argentina's failed corner kick, Germany charged down the pitch (soccer!) and had an excellent scoring chance.  Then, just for fun, one of the Argentinian players chased the ball over to the corner and fell over the little flag in the corner kick spot.  It was pretty funny but Ian and the other guy both missed it.

40th minute: Argentina almost scored again.  They had two guys with the ball behind the German keeper, but the German defenders handled it with precision and grim determination, as all Germans handle all things.

43rd minute: Ian calls his announcing buddy Macca.  Seriously, there's nothing I wouldn't watch if these two guys were doing commentary.

47th minute: Germany just knocked a header right off the goal post.  Then Muller tried to score on the rebound, and he failed, but he was offside either way.  Ugh.

Quick re-cap of a recent board meeting at the ABC network:
Suit #1: We have a great idea for a show.  We'll get an academy award winning actress to star in a show with a really catchy title, we're thinking "How to Get Away with Murder".
Suit #2: Oh I like it, will the plot of the actual show need to make sense?
Suit #1: No, I don't think so.
Suit #2: OK awesome, let's do it.

One thing the World Cup and the Tour de France have in common is awesome Britishy commentary.  If you're looking for sports to watch in July, I highly recommend the Tour de France.  It's mesmerizing.  It shouldn't be, you literally couldn't pay me to watch any other cycling race, but I can't look away from the Tour de France.

Fun soccer fact: There's a guy on the Brazilian team named Fred.  Just Fred.  I know the Brazilians are known for just using one name, but it's usually something fancy like Pele or Ronaldo.  It takes a lot of balls to have this conversation:
Equipment Manager: What name should we put on your jersey?
Fred: Fred
Equipment Manager: Yeah, but Fred what?  What's your last name?
Fred: Nah dog, just Fred.

47th minute: Messi just barely missed the net.  I'm starting to get worried that this game might involve extra time.  If I get a vote, I vote no thank you.

51st minute: Ian just called Messi "the little magician".  I'd love to know how Messi feels about that.  Magician sounds complementary, but guys generally don't like being called little.  It's a real mixed bag.

55th minute: Ian just mentioned extra time and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it.

57th minute: The German keeper and an Argentinian player just had a mid-air collision.  It was awesome.  The Argentinian player is still down and, on top of that, he was called for a foul for viciously assaulting the German keeper's leg with his neck.

59th minute: Klose just almost scored a goal for Germany with his head.  Which reminds me, I'm shocked American parents haven't forced children's soccer leagues to make the players wear helmets.  Doesn't that seem like something American parents would do?  It's certainly stupid enough for them.

64th minute: Another yellow card for, I don't know, something.

65th minute: And another one.  I have very little grasp on what constitutes a yellow cardable offense.  I know someone has to fall down.  That's all I know.

70th minute: I just learned that the World Cup trophy has "no specific value" but FIFA says it's "worth as much as the Mona Lisa, in it's way".  Umm, what?

72nd minute: This is the part of the game when both teams get pretty tired, which leads to lots of fouls and cards and stuff, and not a lot of action.  This brings me to another question.  Soccer's substitution rules.  They make no sense to me.  Soccer people are always bitching about what a work out playing a game of soccer is.  I don't believe them, but let's say that's true.  Why so restrictive with the substitution rules?  You only get three all game.  Wouldn't games be better if the best players could get a little rest like every other team sport allows?

Fun Germany fact: There are no fun Germany facts.  There's nothing fun about Germany.

80th minute: Germany just did a bunch of things right around Argentina's goal, but nothing came of it.  Lots of passing and almost shooting.  Soccer teams are a lot like hockey teams with bad power play units.  You just keep wishing they'd shoot.

82nd minute: Germany are starting to look a little punchy.  Argentina are currently looking pretty tired.  Somebody get them some orange slices.

84th minute: Ian just said Brazil did a good job preparing for the World Cup.  I mean, yeah, except for that thing that collapsed and killed a few people.  But hey, if you want to make an omelet...right?

85th minute: I could go for an omelet right now.

86th minute: The Argentinian player who just came out ran 9.71km in about 85 minutes.  You could briskly walk that distance in 85 minutes.  Tell me again why soccer is supposedly so hard.  Is it because sometimes they have to kick a thing.  That doesn't seem that hard.

93rd minute: Extra time.  Why soccer, why?  If you're not familiar, extra time is two 15-minute periods, and no sudden death, which I continue to find puzzling for such a low scoring sport.  Then, if no one scores (and usually no one does) they go to penalty kicks.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks is like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest.  It makes no sense.

91st minute: The Germans just had a fantastic chance.  The Argentinian keeper just earned his money.  I think.  Do they get paid for this?  Maybe not.  Well, he earned his whatever it is he gets for this.

93rd minute: The Germans are really good at getting back on defense.  It looks like Argentina have a break with numbers, and then five Germans just sort of show up.

96th minute: The Brazilian crowd appears to be attending a theme party.  The theme?  Silly hats.

97th minute: Excellent chance for Argentina.  The player sort of chipped the ball over the German keeper, but then also past the net.

99th minute: These keepers routinely punt the ball 70+ yards.  It led me to wonder why 30 of them aren't punters for NFL teams, but I think Europe pays soccer keepers more than America pays punters.

103rd minute: This is getting terrible.  A few days ago Germany soccered the shit out of Brazil.  Today they can't even score once.  If both teams agree, can we just do penalty kicks now?

105th minute: There's a German player on the ground.  He got kicked in the shin and fell on his arm, and now he's holding his face for some reason.

106th minute: For the record, Ian and Macca both completely agree with me about deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks, so there.

109th minute: A German player just got punched in the face, unintentionally I guess, so it's not worth a yellow card.  He's bleeding quite a bit though.  Most of the other yellow card things today seemed unintentional too.  I'm still pretty confused.

110th minute: Two guys just smacked their heads together.  Accidental as well, according to Macca.

113th minute: The Germans are all over the referee right now.

113th minute: Ian just described somebody as "full of running" and then GOALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! 1-0 Germany!  Scored by "Super" Mario Gotze (apparently pronounced Gertza).  That just sort of happened, nice play.

115th minute: Shots of Argentinian children crying in the crowd.  Why do you hate children Germany?

116th minute: According to Ian and Macca, scoring the equalizer for Argentina is 100% Messi's responsibility.  So he's the Lebron of Argentina, is what I'm hearing (obligatory Lebron reference completed, just in time too).

119th minute: Let's just say Ian and Macca don't love Argentina's chances right now.

122nd minute: Free kick for Messi.  Not a big deal.  Just one chance to kick the ball into the net from about 30 yards away to prevent his entire country from being crushed.  He literally kicked the ball 15 feet over the net.  Macca described it as "slightly selfish".  Macca is pretty catty sometimes.

Well, there you have it.  Germany wins.  Poland can rest easy, for now.  Adios soccer!  See you in 2018, in Russia, because FIFA.

Moon: 2026

When I found out Russia and Qatar would be hosting the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively, I immediately had an idea, possibly my greatest idea ever. Maybe even the greatest idea anyone has ever had. So, as promised, here's my bid to host the 2026 World Cup...on the Moon.

First, we'll need a logo. Duh! The Moon is already round. Obviously, we just photo shop a picture of the Moon to make it look like a soccer ball, right? WRONG! We paint the actual Moon like a soccer ball. No other prospective host country could pull this off, because countries aren't round and in space. And think about the marketing implications. You wouldn't have to advertise the World Cup on TV at all, because it would be advertised in the sky every night. Right off the bat, this is the best idea you've ever heard. You know it is.

What about stadiums? I admit, the Moon, for some reason, currently has zero soccer stadiums. According to the internets, Qatar needs to build 9 soccer stadiums by 2022, having only three right now. So, the Moon only has three less soccer stadiums than Qatar, and four more years to build.

More importantly, the Moon has 1/6 of Earth's gravity, and I've decided that makes it 36 times easier to build a stadium on the Moon. So, in the time it takes Qatar to build 9 soccer stadiums, we should be able to build 324 stadiums on the Moon. We'll have stadiums to spare, which is good, because some of them might be destroyed by large meteoroids.

What about weather? Another big advantage for the Moon, because the Moon doesn't have any weather due to having essentially no atmosphere. Rain isn't even possible on the Moon, perfect for a sporting event. Who wants to see a soccer game in the rain? Not me.

Now, that no atmosphere thing may sound like a problem, what with there being no oxygen and crazy temperature extremes. Not to worry though. First of all, it snows 13 months a year in Russia (lousy Smarch weather!) and it's 152 degrees in Qatar in the summer, so don't talk to me about temperatures.

As for the oxygen problem, scuba divers breath underwater, don't they? Soccer players will have four years to practice playing in space suits. I suppose we could just build domes instead of open air stadiums, but what sounds like more fun to you? Dome soccer or space suit soccer? Yeah, I thought so, space suits it is.

What about fans? Nobody lives on the Moon. First of all, nobody lives in Qatar either. Secondly, nobody lives on the Moon...now. We're talking about 2026. For all we know, the Moon could be hopping with space cities by then. And since the Moon cities will all be named for their corporate sponsors (Budweiser Moon City, Viagra Moon Village, Citi City on the Moon, etc), you get more marketing tie-ins.

Still, like Qatar, the Moon World Cup will need plenty of visitors from other places to succeed. How will we get all those people to and from the Moon? I'm becoming concerned that we won't have our rocket cars and teleportation devices by 2026. Where's the future I was promised? George Jetson lied to me! Anyway, we've got alternatives. Maybe a giant ladder, maybe we hitch a ride with aliens, maybe we find a way to pull the Moon closer, we've got 16 years to figure this out and it seems clear that successful World Cup bids can have some holes. We'll get there. If you build it on the Moon, they will come.

At this point, you might be asking, "Sean, are you just bitter because the U.S. didn't get the 2022 World Cup?" Of course not, that's ridiculous. Why would the World Cup come to America, we don't even like soccer. The World Cup should only ever be held in England, Italy, Spain and, of course, on the Moon.

Other awesome pros for the Moon:
1) The moon is made of cheese. That's right, free cheese for everyone!
2) Krusty the Clown taught us that you can get high by freebasing ground up moon rocks, so that'll be fun.
3) MoonPies are awesome.
4) What happens on the Moon stays on the Moon.
5) There's oil everywhere on the Moon, so we can use the moon oil money to bribe...oh no wait, that's not how the Moon gets the World Cup, nevermind.

Now, to be fair, there are some concerns we'll have to deal with. The lack of gravity could mean we lose some errant balls, and maybe even a flopping South American or two, to the black void of space. We can spare the balls, and as far as I'm concerned, being lost in space is an appropriate punishment for flopping.

I'm also a little concerned about the TV broadcasts. I don't want to have to get up at 7AM to watch a soccer game. What time is it on the Moon? We'll need to get some science nerds on this, I'm sure Stephen Hawking can figure it out.

Other then those two little problems, I think we're all set. Let me ask you something. If you were going on vacation, and you had to choose between Russia, Qatar and the Moon, which would you choose? Of course you would choose the Moon. IT'S THE F*CKING MOON! And that's where I'll leave it, with a choice of slogans.

Slogan #1: "It's no stupider than Russia or Qatar."
Slogan #2: "Because it's the f*cking moon, that's why!"

Two Teams, One Cup

Grab your vuvuzela and let's do this!

During the pre-game, former American star Alexi Lalas picked the Netherlands and the British sounding guy picked Spain. For the tie-breaker, apparently there's an octopus somewhere that also picked Spain. I'm willing to believe that an octopus knows at least as much about soccer as an American, so I have to believe Spain is the favorite. Of course, if I'm rooting for anyone, it's the Dutch. I've liked the Dutch team ever since I saw them in the '94 world cup and decided I liked their generous use of orange in the uniform area.

The ESPN guy called the world cup "the most massive shared human experience there is". I would have gone with breathing.

Something I've noticed throughout the world cup, the players come out onto the field holding the hand of a little kid. Who are these kids? Are they the players' kids? Are they just random South African kids? Did they win a contest? I need to know these things.

Thing to like about soccer #1: No stupid pop stars singing five minute versions of the national anthems. Just an instrumental version played through the stadium PA system.

Thing to like about soccer #2: Awesome Britishy commentary. Right off the bat we get "not quite total football from the Dutch, but it could be title football". Earlier in the tournament I heard one of the commentators refer to the French team as "instantly underwhelming". These guys make American sports announcers sound like juvenile delinquents.

5th minute: A free kick for Spain almost turns into a goal, nice save by the Dutch keeper. I can't decide if soccer goalie is a great job or an awful job. They spend most of the game just sort of standing around, but every five or ten minutes they have to make a diving save in front of a giant net.

8th minute: A Spanish turnover leads to a good chance for the Dutch, but they decided it was too early to score so they just kicked the ball right at the Spanish keeper. The Spanish team seems to be in charge early.

12th minute: Two good chances for the Spanish. First led to a corner, second hit the side of the goal. Somebody should tell the Dutch the game started.

Thing to like about soccer #3: No commercials. But how do soccer fans know what kind of beer they should drink, or what brand of boner pills is best for them?

Thing to like about soccer #4: Cards. For those who are unfamiliar, if you do something especially mean to an opponent in a soccer game, the referee runs up to you and waves a yellow card in your face. If you do something even meaner, like intentionally kick a guy in the face or something, the referee waves a red card in your face and you have to leave. There's really no area of life in which this system wouldn't be both effective and entertaining.

21st minute: More excellent commentary, describing one of the Dutch players as having "great speed, dribbling skills and optimism". It's nice to have a sport in which optimism is a legitimate advantage. The Dutch see the world cup as half-full.

I've decided America should hire only British people to teach English in elementary schools. I'm glad I don't have to watch soccer again until 2014 after this game, but I don't think I can go back to American announcers.

26th minute: A Spanish player executes the 10th blatant dive of the game and wins a free vuvuzela.

27th minute: "chances are whoever wins this game will leave the world cup ranked number one in the world". I should hope so.

29th minute: A Dutch player just delivered what one of the announcers described as "a kung fu kick to the chest". Couldn't have described it better myself. The announcers agree that should have been a red card. I disagree. That was the most exciting thing that happened in the first 30 minutes of this game, the Dutch player should get a prize.

34th minute: Something really strange just happened. The Dutch won a corner kick as a result of the Spanish keeper misplaying a strange bounce. Instead of trying to score, the Dutch just gave the ball back to the Spanish. According to the announcers, it was about sportsmanship. What? These guys need a Herm Edwards pep talk about playing to win the game.

37th minute: One of the Dutch players just whiffed on a pretty good scoring chance. I'm starting to wonder if the Dutch team is high.

42nd minute: One of the Spanish players has been "troubling" the Netherlands with his "positive attitude when he gets on the ball". I'd be more troubled by a negative attitude, that can be a sign of depression.

43rd minute: Dutch player Wesley Sneijder has a pretty heated argument with the referee about the superfluous J in his name.

46th-47th minutes: Nice rally for the Dutch before the half, nothing to show for it though. Off we go to halftime, tied at nil. At least scoreless hockey games usually involved some excellent goal tending. The British guy at halftime seems to agree with my assessment, adding "we haven't seen any real football yet."

Random halftime sidenote: I'm about three 90 degree days away from hatching an evil plan to destroy the sun. I could be a super villain, I just need a mask, a lair and like 50 billion dollars.

46th minute: The Dutch get what the British announcer described as "half a chance". I can't tell if he meant that as an insult or a compliment.

54th minute: I miss the NFL.

57th minute: What percentage of soccer practice time is spent on falling down and acting hurt? Has to be at least 20% right?

62nd minute: Ayan Robben just missed a great breakaway scoring opportunity for the Dutch. That was close. I have no idea if that's how you spell his first name. I'm renaming him Christopher Robben.

69th minute: Really good chance for the Spanish. Loose ball right in front of the goal, just got there a second late and had it deflected over the net.

75th minute: The Dutch are becoming increasingly unhappy with the officiating. Why can't any sport successfully find competent referees? It can't possibly be that difficult.

77th minute: Spain almost had it there, Sergio Ramos had a free shot with a header that went right over the bar. One of the announcers said he had no excuse. I don't know, that fact that he was trying to score a goal with his head seems like a decent excuse. That doesn't look easy.

83rd minute: Christopher Robben almost had another breakaway, two defenders and the Spanish keeper eventually stopped him. One of the announcers said he should have just fallen down and maybe he would have been given a penalty kick. Sigh.

89th minute: I'm not a big fan of soccer's offsides rule. It's like hockey, only instead of a line, they just can't go past the last defender until the ball is played. It creates this floating, slightly arbitrary offsides line. This, of course, leads to lots of controversy and arguing with officials.

End of 2nd half: Still 0-0, we're headed for extra time (that's European for overtime).

If they're still tied after 30 minutes of extra time, they decide the world cup with penalty kicks. I'm not a fan of this in theory, it's like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest. In practice, however, these two teams look like they could play for five days without scoring, so I guess you have to decide the game somehow. At that point, it's either penalty kicks or a war between the two countries.

95th minute: Great chance for the Spanish, nice play by the Dutch keeper. Decent counter-attack from the Dutch, ultimately didn't go anywhere. Both teams getting a little jumpy.

98th minute: "we're coming to the halfway point of the first half of extra time." Fractions are fun.

99th minute: Another missed opportunity for the Spanish. If this were a hockey game, we would have heard the crowd yelling "shooooooooot".

104th minute: The Spanish are officially knocking on the door at this point. In other news, both of these countries still have royal families. Europe is crazy.

108th minute: Apparently calling the Netherlands "Holland" is politcally incorrect. So, I learned something today.

109th minute: Uh oh. A red card for one of the Dutch players means they have to play the last ten minutes down a man. On top of that, the Spanish get a dangerous free kick from the foul. Unfortunately, they just kicked the ball over everything.

116th minute: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!! Iniesta. 1-0 Spain. Conquered by the Spanish, now the Dutch know how the Incas felt.

The Dutch didn't have much of a chance to make a comeback, being down a man and all. One or two long shots, nothing too serious. Congrats to Spain, tough break for the Dutch. Adios soccer, we'll see you in four years.

Mixed Bag

First of all, if anyone reading this hasn't donated to the Haitian relief effort yet, what exactly are you waiting for? Here are some links (I know some people get nervous about credit cards over the internet, I can tell you I've never had any security problems with the red cross website):
American Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/
Yele Haiti: http://www.yele.org/
MSNBC has a good bunch of links: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34835478/ns/world_news-haiti_earthquake/
OK, on to less important things...

I've noticed that many of my favorite ESPN.com writers sometimes do mailbags, where they answer questions sent by readers. Just now, I'm figuring out exactly why. Sometimes you sit down to write, but you don't really have anything to write about. Bummer. That's where the mailbag comes in. Unfortunately, I don't know if I have any readers, and I know they don't e-mail me. I'll have to improvise. So, here are some fake e-mails from made up readers.

Q: "I just watched Mark McGwire admit to Bob Costas that he used steroids. This is a two part question. First, is this even remotely news? Second, did you see him crying? Did you know that Mark McGwire was secretly a ten year old girl this whole time?" - Zack, Bayside High School
A: Excellent question! Of course it's news. And someone should tip Bob Costas off to some other breaking news stories. I have it on good authority that the sun might rise again tomorrow. Also, I took the ice out of my freezer a couple of hours ago, and it melted, all I have left is a bunch of water. I feel like I need to give a tearful interview about it. Seriously, I've never been less surprised by anything. I'll be more surprised tomorrow when I wake up and find that there isn't a monkey in my bathroom than I was when I found out Mark McGwire used steroids. As for the crying, if you're going to come out and try to cover your old lies with barely more believable lies, at least keep your dignity.

Q: "I read your NBA preview blog. Were you high when you predicted that the Washington Wizards would make the playoffs and Gilbert Arenas would have a great year and not do anything crazy? Did you have a serious concussion or some other kind of traumatic brain injury?" - Balki, Chicago/Mypos
A: No. Sadly, my brain was fully functional when I wrote that. I'm 30 years old and it's possible I've never been more wrong about anything in my life. I'll give Gilbert this, not many people could pull off doing something that hits a 10 on the what the f*ck meter and still have it not be that surprising. Well done sir.

Q: "I have a friend who innocently brought four guns to work, only because he didn't want to leave them home with the kids. Now, out of nowhere, he's suspended from work and being charged with a felony. I guess I should also mention that my friend has a reputation for being somewhat unstable, and any rational person would be terrified by the idea of him having even one gun. But come on, shouldn't everyone just give my friend a break?" - Philbert, Washington D.C.
A: Sorry "Philbert", I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think your "friend" is a bad guy. In fact, if I knew who you were talking about, I'd probably say he's someone I've always liked and rooted for. But, if I brought a gun to my office, I'd probably lose my job immediately, and nobody would give a crap. So I don't feel a whole lot of sympathy for your buddy.

Q: "What do you think about Charles Woodson winning Defensive Player of the Year?" - Jean Luc, um...Space, in the future
A: Let me just say this. If you offered the Packers Darrelle Revis straight up for Charles Woodson, even if Woodson was still young, they'd take that deal so fast you'd see a big Packer shaped dust cloud in the room where they were standing. Not only should Darrelle Revis have been the Defensive Player of the Year, he may also be some kind of Roman god. Did the Romans have a god of pass coverage? I feel like they should have.

Q: "Did you think it was weird for the NFL to have the Packers-Cardinals playoff game officiated by a group of blind chimps?" - A.C., Bayside High School
A: Lots of questions from Bayside today, they're huge fans of mine. I actually got 200-300 almost identical e-mails. I know it seemed that way, but I went back and watched the game footage in slow motion. The game was officiated by actual human referees, who, at times, appeared to have the full power of sight. Is it possible the NFL adapted my Umpire Idol idea and used it? I don't think so, my idea involved making sure the winners knew the rules of the sport. It's more likely a bunch of drunk tailgaters from the parking lot beat up the actual refs and took their uniforms. The NFL should beef up ref security for this weekend. By the way, what does the A.C. stand for?

Q: "What do you think of this whole Leno-Conan thing?" - Tyler, Paper Street
A: First, I think what I've always thought. Jay Leno sucks and I don't understand why anyone watches his show. I don't understand why NBC can't just let Jay and his 95 and over demographic go to ABC. Carson was the best, Conan is awesome. Leno is like the lettuce in my patented BLMB(bacon, lettuce and more bacon) sandwich. I'd say I'm boycotting Leno from now on, but I literally couldn't watch him less than I already do.

Q: "You picked the Cowboys and Chargers in the superbowl. You still feeling pretty good about that?" - Ron, San Diego
A: I feel awesome about my picks right about now. The Cowboys destroyed the Eagles and the Jets have their fans set up perfectly for the annual huge disappointment that no one saw coming. Plus, I think this is the week the football gods punish the Colts for quitting, which means if the Chargers can get by the Jets, they get a home game next week against Jets lite. Of course, if you read back to my Wizards/Arenas pick, you'll see that Jets and Vikings fans should be very happy I'm picking against them this week.

Q: "Speaking of your NBA preview, when you tagged the Nets as the most boring team in the NBA, did you fail to account for how interesting a team can be when it's that bad, or are you not the kind of person who finds 10 car pile-ups interesting?"- Hawkeye, fictional Korea
A: First of all, how did you know someone else also asked a question about my NBA preview? That's a little creepy. The answer is a little bit of both. I'm not surprised at how bad the Nets are. I also wrote that if you combined the rosters of the Knicks and the Nets, you still wouldn't have a playoff team. Even with the Knicks overachieving, the Nets are still bad enough to make that true. If you added all of the Nets to the Knicks, it might actually make the Knicks worse. At the same time, I probably underestimated how interesting this colossal failure would be. I have to admit to turning to Nets games a few times this year, just to see how bad it really is. I have yet to be disappointed.

Q: "Do you regret dumping the Islanders for the Edmonton Oilers now that the Oilers might be the worst team in hockey and the Islanders are not actually terrible and kind of fun to watch?" - ALF, Melmac
A: Not at all. This was a long term decision and I'm very happy with it. Have I seen an Oilers game all year? Absolutely not. Is it possible I may never see an Oilers game? Entirely possible, since only the Cup finals get televised on a real TV network. Are the Islanders' throwback blue uniforms on Saturday nights incredibly awesome? You're damn right they are. Having said all that, Edmonton is still the best hockey city I could find and I'm still moving there if I ever get rich and decide to move out of the U.S., so I'm fine with my choice.

Q: "Any thoughts on Pete Carroll going to Seattle?" - Al, Chicago
A: This is really a two part question. First, how do I feel about him leaving USC? I don't know yet. I get the sense USC football may get some nice NCAA sanctions for Valentine's Day. If that's the case, Pete's sudden exit gets a solid 8.5 on the douchebag meter. Otherwise, he had to leave sometime. Second, how do I feel about Seattle being the NFL job he finally took? That's the part I don't get, and the part that makes me think he had other reasons for leaving. Maybe he just got tired of waiting for Norv Turner to finally get himself run out of San Diego. Maybe he just really likes rain. I don't know, but the Seahawks were awful this year, and possibly the first team to quit on the season. Why is Pete Carroll taking over a team that quit before the Redskins? Before the Raiders? Before the Rams? I honestly can't figure it out.

Q: "Did you see the Sarah Palin-Glenn Beck interview?" - Jim, Scranton
A: I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was like the black hole at the center of the galaxy of stupidity. You know what's really starting to strike me about Sarah Palin? Her incredibly high ratio of condescension to knowledge. I don't know if we've ever seen anyone who knows so little acting as if she knows so much. Everything she says, even the total nonsense, has this air of absolute certainty about it. It's really something. I still say she should have her own TV network. I also still say I'm moving to Finland if she gets elected President (which I also still say is impossible unless her campaign strategy includes some sort of military coup involving the Alaska National Guard).

Q: "Can you believe someone other than Mr. T is playing B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team movie?" - Danny, San Francisco
A: I absolutely cannot believe that. "Mr. T is dead" is the only acceptable excuse for that, and Mr. T is clearly not dead, I just saw him in a commercial. I don't know a whole lot about this Rampage Jackson dude, but I pity the fool who takes Mr. T's role.

Q: "I'm getting excited to watch the Olympics in February and I'm wondering if you can point me toward some of the best competitions to see?" - Mike, Long Island
A: This is obviously a trick question, no one is excited to watch the Olympics.

Q: "Everyone knows you don't care about soccer, and you're right not to, soccer sucks. But are you going to try to get interested in the World Cup?" - Rose, Miami
A: I think I might. Originally, I had decided to double boycott the World Cup on account of it being soccer and the Irish team not even being involved. Recently, I'm having a change of heart. I remember that I always enjoy the World Cup, even if I go back to making fun of soccer as soon as it's over. It's the best possible soccer you can see. Since the Irish are out, I'm rooting for England. I know Ireland and England haven't always gotten along but, as always, I'm a puzzle.