Argentina v. Zee Germans

-Well, the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn't it?
--...proper fucked?
-Yeah, Tommy.  Before zee Germans get there.

Welcome to the World Cup final.  I'm disappointed to not see the Dutch today.  They're just so very orange.  But, sadly, that's just the way soccer goes sometimes.  Fun fact about Holland: the password to every computer in Holland is ruud_van_nistelrooy.

At least the Americans aren't in the final.  Just imagine how annoying you people would be if they were.  Two extra weeks of hearing about how this time is going to be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  We never learn.  No time will ever be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  You know why?  Because we have better sports.  It's not a knock on soccer, it's just the reality.  We have like 10 different options that are better than MLS.  We just do.  The Premier League is fantastic, you should watch it sometime, you'd love it.  MLS sucks, and I don't see that changing.  I love football, but I don't watch the CFL.  You know why?  Because it's silly and pointless, just like MLS.

It's just about time to get started, and I assume we're all rooting for Germany, right?  Listen, Germany is only good at two things, soccer and apocalyptic genocide.  I think it's in all of our best interests to keep them happy about soccer.  Poland, if Argentina wins this game, you'd better start running.

I just found out that last time these two teams met in the World Cup final, Germany (then West Germany, so that's fun) won the match on a "debatable late penalty".  As far as I can tell, every penalty kick ever awarded in the history of soccer can be described as "debatable".

I have two of the same observations I had four years ago, and they both bear repeating.  First of all, I love how the World Cup does the national anthems.  No pop singers, no nonsense, just poor quality recordings through the stadium PA, which the crowd is happy to sing along with.  It's perfect.  And second, seriously, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS WHO COME OUT ON THE FIELD WITH THE PLAYERS??  Why are they there?  It's the strangest sports custom I've ever seen.  Why?  Why soccer??

1st minute: Argentina are wearing a shade of blue I don't believe I've ever seen before.  It's marvelous.

3rd minute: A German player gets casually bumped and falls down like he's been shot.  Free kick to Germany.  Germany kicks the ball directly into a wall of Argentinians.  Argentines?  People from Argentina.

4th minute: Argentina just had a really good chance, but the announcers didn't really react.  They need to get warmed up.  Not a criticism, by the way.  I wish Ian Darke could do every sporting event in the world, and narrate my life.

8th minute: Messi just did some stuff Ian described as "a little alarming" for Germany.  Messi, apparently, is very good at soccer and Ian gets very excited whenever he touches the ball.

10th minute: "A bright start" for Argentina.  The consensus seems to be that the Brazilian fans would rather Argentina not win a World Cup on Brazil's home turf, but honestly, it's kind of hard to tell who the crowd is rooting for.  I'm hearing a lot of chanting and they're cheering for basically everything that happens.

13th minute: "A lovely looking cross" for the Germans, but nothing to show for it.

15th minute: Argentina has a fantastic four up front.  Not the fantastic four, just a fantastic four.

16th minute: According to the advertising on the side of the pitch (I used a soccer word!), McDonald's has a gol! app, which I assume you can use to eat McDonald's every day for a year and then never play soccer again because you have diabetes.

17th minute: Some poor German guy just took a shoulder to the head.  He tried to get up and then fell back down again.  He's going to need a minute.

19th minute: As far as I can tell, Germany are playing a man down until they figure out whether or not that guy has a concussion.  That seems like a bad game plan.  Soccer is weird.

21st minute: A German turnover just resulted in "a glorious chance" for Argentina, but they kicked the ball "way, way, way wide".

22nd minute: Ian and his buddy are still mocking how far wide the Argentinian player kicked the ball.  They think Messi would have nailed it.  In other news, concussion guy is apparently fine and back in the game.

Fun soccer fact: Every time a team gets a free kick against Germany and they form a wall 10 yards away from the kick, the other team is required by FIFA rules to have at least one player on their bench make a Berlin wall joke.

28th minute: Germany almost scored on a ball which both announcers described as lovely, but they were offside.  I hate soccer's offside rule as much as I hate anything in sports.  There's no offside line, you just can't run behind the last defender until the ball has been kicked to you.  They're basically punishing players for being faster and smarter than their opponents.  I hate it.  Just paint an offside line on the field.  How hard is that?

29th minute: A German player with an incredibly German name just got the first yellow card of the game for barely running into someone.

30th minute: Argentina just scored, but not really because they were offside.  Ugh.

31st minute: Germany's concussion guy just fell down again, so after 10 minutes of letting him play with a concussion, the Germans finally decided he should probably just sit the rest of this one out.  The announcers are correctly hammering the Germans for letting him play.

33rd minute: Ian and his buddy are openly mocking a dive taken by an Argentinian player.  So even soccer people can see this.  The NHL fixed this problem, why can't FIFA?

34th minute: A German player just tried to kick an Argentinian player in the testicles.  He got a yellow card.  Ian added "that's yellow plus".  Damn straight.

36th minute: Messi almost did a thing, but the Germans stopped him.  That led to a corner kick which, like most corner kicks, led to nothing.

37th minute: Really fun sequence here.  Right after Argentina's failed corner kick, Germany charged down the pitch (soccer!) and had an excellent scoring chance.  Then, just for fun, one of the Argentinian players chased the ball over to the corner and fell over the little flag in the corner kick spot.  It was pretty funny but Ian and the other guy both missed it.

40th minute: Argentina almost scored again.  They had two guys with the ball behind the German keeper, but the German defenders handled it with precision and grim determination, as all Germans handle all things.

43rd minute: Ian calls his announcing buddy Macca.  Seriously, there's nothing I wouldn't watch if these two guys were doing commentary.

47th minute: Germany just knocked a header right off the goal post.  Then Muller tried to score on the rebound, and he failed, but he was offside either way.  Ugh.

Quick re-cap of a recent board meeting at the ABC network:
Suit #1: We have a great idea for a show.  We'll get an academy award winning actress to star in a show with a really catchy title, we're thinking "How to Get Away with Murder".
Suit #2: Oh I like it, will the plot of the actual show need to make sense?
Suit #1: No, I don't think so.
Suit #2: OK awesome, let's do it.

One thing the World Cup and the Tour de France have in common is awesome Britishy commentary.  If you're looking for sports to watch in July, I highly recommend the Tour de France.  It's mesmerizing.  It shouldn't be, you literally couldn't pay me to watch any other cycling race, but I can't look away from the Tour de France.

Fun soccer fact: There's a guy on the Brazilian team named Fred.  Just Fred.  I know the Brazilians are known for just using one name, but it's usually something fancy like Pele or Ronaldo.  It takes a lot of balls to have this conversation:
Equipment Manager: What name should we put on your jersey?
Fred: Fred
Equipment Manager: Yeah, but Fred what?  What's your last name?
Fred: Nah dog, just Fred.

47th minute: Messi just barely missed the net.  I'm starting to get worried that this game might involve extra time.  If I get a vote, I vote no thank you.

51st minute: Ian just called Messi "the little magician".  I'd love to know how Messi feels about that.  Magician sounds complementary, but guys generally don't like being called little.  It's a real mixed bag.

55th minute: Ian just mentioned extra time and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it.

57th minute: The German keeper and an Argentinian player just had a mid-air collision.  It was awesome.  The Argentinian player is still down and, on top of that, he was called for a foul for viciously assaulting the German keeper's leg with his neck.

59th minute: Klose just almost scored a goal for Germany with his head.  Which reminds me, I'm shocked American parents haven't forced children's soccer leagues to make the players wear helmets.  Doesn't that seem like something American parents would do?  It's certainly stupid enough for them.

64th minute: Another yellow card for, I don't know, something.

65th minute: And another one.  I have very little grasp on what constitutes a yellow cardable offense.  I know someone has to fall down.  That's all I know.

70th minute: I just learned that the World Cup trophy has "no specific value" but FIFA says it's "worth as much as the Mona Lisa, in it's way".  Umm, what?

72nd minute: This is the part of the game when both teams get pretty tired, which leads to lots of fouls and cards and stuff, and not a lot of action.  This brings me to another question.  Soccer's substitution rules.  They make no sense to me.  Soccer people are always bitching about what a work out playing a game of soccer is.  I don't believe them, but let's say that's true.  Why so restrictive with the substitution rules?  You only get three all game.  Wouldn't games be better if the best players could get a little rest like every other team sport allows?

Fun Germany fact: There are no fun Germany facts.  There's nothing fun about Germany.

80th minute: Germany just did a bunch of things right around Argentina's goal, but nothing came of it.  Lots of passing and almost shooting.  Soccer teams are a lot like hockey teams with bad power play units.  You just keep wishing they'd shoot.

82nd minute: Germany are starting to look a little punchy.  Argentina are currently looking pretty tired.  Somebody get them some orange slices.

84th minute: Ian just said Brazil did a good job preparing for the World Cup.  I mean, yeah, except for that thing that collapsed and killed a few people.  But hey, if you want to make an omelet...right?

85th minute: I could go for an omelet right now.

86th minute: The Argentinian player who just came out ran 9.71km in about 85 minutes.  You could briskly walk that distance in 85 minutes.  Tell me again why soccer is supposedly so hard.  Is it because sometimes they have to kick a thing.  That doesn't seem that hard.

93rd minute: Extra time.  Why soccer, why?  If you're not familiar, extra time is two 15-minute periods, and no sudden death, which I continue to find puzzling for such a low scoring sport.  Then, if no one scores (and usually no one does) they go to penalty kicks.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks is like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest.  It makes no sense.

91st minute: The Germans just had a fantastic chance.  The Argentinian keeper just earned his money.  I think.  Do they get paid for this?  Maybe not.  Well, he earned his whatever it is he gets for this.

93rd minute: The Germans are really good at getting back on defense.  It looks like Argentina have a break with numbers, and then five Germans just sort of show up.

96th minute: The Brazilian crowd appears to be attending a theme party.  The theme?  Silly hats.

97th minute: Excellent chance for Argentina.  The player sort of chipped the ball over the German keeper, but then also past the net.

99th minute: These keepers routinely punt the ball 70+ yards.  It led me to wonder why 30 of them aren't punters for NFL teams, but I think Europe pays soccer keepers more than America pays punters.

103rd minute: This is getting terrible.  A few days ago Germany soccered the shit out of Brazil.  Today they can't even score once.  If both teams agree, can we just do penalty kicks now?

105th minute: There's a German player on the ground.  He got kicked in the shin and fell on his arm, and now he's holding his face for some reason.

106th minute: For the record, Ian and Macca both completely agree with me about deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks, so there.

109th minute: A German player just got punched in the face, unintentionally I guess, so it's not worth a yellow card.  He's bleeding quite a bit though.  Most of the other yellow card things today seemed unintentional too.  I'm still pretty confused.

110th minute: Two guys just smacked their heads together.  Accidental as well, according to Macca.

113th minute: The Germans are all over the referee right now.

113th minute: Ian just described somebody as "full of running" and then GOALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! 1-0 Germany!  Scored by "Super" Mario Gotze (apparently pronounced Gertza).  That just sort of happened, nice play.

115th minute: Shots of Argentinian children crying in the crowd.  Why do you hate children Germany?

116th minute: According to Ian and Macca, scoring the equalizer for Argentina is 100% Messi's responsibility.  So he's the Lebron of Argentina, is what I'm hearing (obligatory Lebron reference completed, just in time too).

119th minute: Let's just say Ian and Macca don't love Argentina's chances right now.

122nd minute: Free kick for Messi.  Not a big deal.  Just one chance to kick the ball into the net from about 30 yards away to prevent his entire country from being crushed.  He literally kicked the ball 15 feet over the net.  Macca described it as "slightly selfish".  Macca is pretty catty sometimes.

Well, there you have it.  Germany wins.  Poland can rest easy, for now.  Adios soccer!  See you in 2018, in Russia, because FIFA.

Two Teams, One Cup

Grab your vuvuzela and let's do this!

During the pre-game, former American star Alexi Lalas picked the Netherlands and the British sounding guy picked Spain. For the tie-breaker, apparently there's an octopus somewhere that also picked Spain. I'm willing to believe that an octopus knows at least as much about soccer as an American, so I have to believe Spain is the favorite. Of course, if I'm rooting for anyone, it's the Dutch. I've liked the Dutch team ever since I saw them in the '94 world cup and decided I liked their generous use of orange in the uniform area.

The ESPN guy called the world cup "the most massive shared human experience there is". I would have gone with breathing.

Something I've noticed throughout the world cup, the players come out onto the field holding the hand of a little kid. Who are these kids? Are they the players' kids? Are they just random South African kids? Did they win a contest? I need to know these things.

Thing to like about soccer #1: No stupid pop stars singing five minute versions of the national anthems. Just an instrumental version played through the stadium PA system.

Thing to like about soccer #2: Awesome Britishy commentary. Right off the bat we get "not quite total football from the Dutch, but it could be title football". Earlier in the tournament I heard one of the commentators refer to the French team as "instantly underwhelming". These guys make American sports announcers sound like juvenile delinquents.

5th minute: A free kick for Spain almost turns into a goal, nice save by the Dutch keeper. I can't decide if soccer goalie is a great job or an awful job. They spend most of the game just sort of standing around, but every five or ten minutes they have to make a diving save in front of a giant net.

8th minute: A Spanish turnover leads to a good chance for the Dutch, but they decided it was too early to score so they just kicked the ball right at the Spanish keeper. The Spanish team seems to be in charge early.

12th minute: Two good chances for the Spanish. First led to a corner, second hit the side of the goal. Somebody should tell the Dutch the game started.

Thing to like about soccer #3: No commercials. But how do soccer fans know what kind of beer they should drink, or what brand of boner pills is best for them?

Thing to like about soccer #4: Cards. For those who are unfamiliar, if you do something especially mean to an opponent in a soccer game, the referee runs up to you and waves a yellow card in your face. If you do something even meaner, like intentionally kick a guy in the face or something, the referee waves a red card in your face and you have to leave. There's really no area of life in which this system wouldn't be both effective and entertaining.

21st minute: More excellent commentary, describing one of the Dutch players as having "great speed, dribbling skills and optimism". It's nice to have a sport in which optimism is a legitimate advantage. The Dutch see the world cup as half-full.

I've decided America should hire only British people to teach English in elementary schools. I'm glad I don't have to watch soccer again until 2014 after this game, but I don't think I can go back to American announcers.

26th minute: A Spanish player executes the 10th blatant dive of the game and wins a free vuvuzela.

27th minute: "chances are whoever wins this game will leave the world cup ranked number one in the world". I should hope so.

29th minute: A Dutch player just delivered what one of the announcers described as "a kung fu kick to the chest". Couldn't have described it better myself. The announcers agree that should have been a red card. I disagree. That was the most exciting thing that happened in the first 30 minutes of this game, the Dutch player should get a prize.

34th minute: Something really strange just happened. The Dutch won a corner kick as a result of the Spanish keeper misplaying a strange bounce. Instead of trying to score, the Dutch just gave the ball back to the Spanish. According to the announcers, it was about sportsmanship. What? These guys need a Herm Edwards pep talk about playing to win the game.

37th minute: One of the Dutch players just whiffed on a pretty good scoring chance. I'm starting to wonder if the Dutch team is high.

42nd minute: One of the Spanish players has been "troubling" the Netherlands with his "positive attitude when he gets on the ball". I'd be more troubled by a negative attitude, that can be a sign of depression.

43rd minute: Dutch player Wesley Sneijder has a pretty heated argument with the referee about the superfluous J in his name.

46th-47th minutes: Nice rally for the Dutch before the half, nothing to show for it though. Off we go to halftime, tied at nil. At least scoreless hockey games usually involved some excellent goal tending. The British guy at halftime seems to agree with my assessment, adding "we haven't seen any real football yet."

Random halftime sidenote: I'm about three 90 degree days away from hatching an evil plan to destroy the sun. I could be a super villain, I just need a mask, a lair and like 50 billion dollars.

46th minute: The Dutch get what the British announcer described as "half a chance". I can't tell if he meant that as an insult or a compliment.

54th minute: I miss the NFL.

57th minute: What percentage of soccer practice time is spent on falling down and acting hurt? Has to be at least 20% right?

62nd minute: Ayan Robben just missed a great breakaway scoring opportunity for the Dutch. That was close. I have no idea if that's how you spell his first name. I'm renaming him Christopher Robben.

69th minute: Really good chance for the Spanish. Loose ball right in front of the goal, just got there a second late and had it deflected over the net.

75th minute: The Dutch are becoming increasingly unhappy with the officiating. Why can't any sport successfully find competent referees? It can't possibly be that difficult.

77th minute: Spain almost had it there, Sergio Ramos had a free shot with a header that went right over the bar. One of the announcers said he had no excuse. I don't know, that fact that he was trying to score a goal with his head seems like a decent excuse. That doesn't look easy.

83rd minute: Christopher Robben almost had another breakaway, two defenders and the Spanish keeper eventually stopped him. One of the announcers said he should have just fallen down and maybe he would have been given a penalty kick. Sigh.

89th minute: I'm not a big fan of soccer's offsides rule. It's like hockey, only instead of a line, they just can't go past the last defender until the ball is played. It creates this floating, slightly arbitrary offsides line. This, of course, leads to lots of controversy and arguing with officials.

End of 2nd half: Still 0-0, we're headed for extra time (that's European for overtime).

If they're still tied after 30 minutes of extra time, they decide the world cup with penalty kicks. I'm not a fan of this in theory, it's like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest. In practice, however, these two teams look like they could play for five days without scoring, so I guess you have to decide the game somehow. At that point, it's either penalty kicks or a war between the two countries.

95th minute: Great chance for the Spanish, nice play by the Dutch keeper. Decent counter-attack from the Dutch, ultimately didn't go anywhere. Both teams getting a little jumpy.

98th minute: "we're coming to the halfway point of the first half of extra time." Fractions are fun.

99th minute: Another missed opportunity for the Spanish. If this were a hockey game, we would have heard the crowd yelling "shooooooooot".

104th minute: The Spanish are officially knocking on the door at this point. In other news, both of these countries still have royal families. Europe is crazy.

108th minute: Apparently calling the Netherlands "Holland" is politcally incorrect. So, I learned something today.

109th minute: Uh oh. A red card for one of the Dutch players means they have to play the last ten minutes down a man. On top of that, the Spanish get a dangerous free kick from the foul. Unfortunately, they just kicked the ball over everything.

116th minute: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!! Iniesta. 1-0 Spain. Conquered by the Spanish, now the Dutch know how the Incas felt.

The Dutch didn't have much of a chance to make a comeback, being down a man and all. One or two long shots, nothing too serious. Congrats to Spain, tough break for the Dutch. Adios soccer, we'll see you in four years.