Tommy Handsome...And His Balls

Can you imagine being the first ancient Egyptian to take the hieroglyph for ball and carve it where the hieroglyph for testicle was supposed to be.  You call all your Egyptian friends and mummies over to see what you've done and they're just like "Dude, that's genius.  We have so many balls in regular life, if we make it so that balls also means testicles, that's comic gold for the next 10,000 years.  Why didn't those stupid aliens who built our pyramids think of this?"

NBC's pre-game was six and a half hours long.  Six.  And a half.  Hours.  That gives a guy a lot of time to think, and he's what I came up with.  Handsome and the Hoodie.  A new sitcom coming to ABC in the Fall.  Brady and Belichick are banned from football for being cheaters and forced to live together in a small two-bedroom apartment in a Boston suburb.  Hijinks ensue.

Brady embarks on an acting career, but can only get roles as a corpse on procedural cop dramas (cut to David Caruso whipping off his sunglasses and glibly exclaiming "looks like someone sent this handsome devil straight to hell!"  Cue The Who).  Belichick takes a job at one of the fourteen Dunkin Donuts locations within walking distance of the apartment, and constantly fights with his boss because he wants to create 91 different types of donuts so he never has to work with the same exact combination of available donut flavors more than once.

Eventually, Brady gets his big break, being cast in one of the new Star Wars movies as the galaxy's most handsome man, but he gets the flu, so Belichick has to take his place.  Belichick immediately gets cast as the new darth vader, leaving Brady to run the Dunkin Donuts.  Look for plenty of Gronk guest appearances.

Hey, did you know there's another team in this game?  It's true, they're from Seattle or Portland or somewhere rainy like that.  Sports journalists seem genuinely surprised to see them, with Cris Collinsworth inquisitively musing "Hey, who are those guys?  I thought this was just about the Patriots and football inflation levels".

6:29PM: It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan alive and speaking in full sentences.

6:30PM: Marshawn Lynch has a small Tupperware container of Skittles on the sideline.  How is he not everyone's favorite football player?

6:34PM: Jonas Gray is inactive for this game.  It's like he made a deal with satan where he could rush for 200 yards in one NFL game but then nothing good ever happens to him again.  I'd say Jonas isn't a great negotiator.

6:36PM: Seattle almost screwed themselves with a roughing the kicker penalty.  The Seahawks, as good as they are, are one of the most undisciplined teams in the NFL.  You have to wonder how good they'd be if they could just stop taking stupid penalties.

6:39PM: The crowd in Arizona is decidedly pro-Seattle.  I'm surprised by that since Arizona is in Seattle's division, but I guess people just really hate the Patriots, and while I don't personally feel that way, I sort of get it.

6:42PM: "Hey, I have an idea for a commercial! Kate Upton!"..."...and..." "No and, just Kate Upton".  "OK yeah, that's a pretty good idea".

6:44PM: Collinsworth seems mildly obsessed with Belichick's #2 pencil.  Is he taking the SATs after the game?

6:45PM: Collinsworth just referred to Kam Chancellor as "the hammer".  Kam's wife has already told him 100 times that she's not calling him that.

6:51PM: People who have been paying attention to football this year know that Seattle doesn't really rush the passer that well and it isn't that surprising that they aren't pressuring Brady too much.  Apparently Collinsworth is not a person who has been paying attention to football.

6:53PM: Brady just threw the ball right to one of Seattle's DBs.  Right to him.  Jeremy Lane got hurt at the end of the play, but it's not like he was going to have two interceptions in the game, so his job's mostly done already.  Sidenote: The NFL doesn't give a fuck about knees.  As long as you don't hit a guy in the head, you can do pretty much whatever you want.  Unless you're hitting a quarterback, then you can only hit him in a 2 inch sliver of his body between his waist and his ribs.

6:58PM: After one quarter, points for nobody.  Somebody better go deflate some footballs, the NFL does not want a 9-6 superbowl.

7:05PM: They're making a new Terminator movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  California voters must be so proud.

7:08PM: New England isn't really having trouble moving the ball.  They just need to not give it away this time.

7:11PM: Touchdown! Brady to LaFell.  Both of these teams make a strong argument against spending money or high draft picks on big time wide receivers.  Where are the Cowboys right now? Or the Lions?  Or the Bengals?  Or any team with a receiver that anyone ever wanted?

7:16PM: Jason Statham, The Rock and Vin Diesel star in Incoherent Grunt: The Movie.

7:18PM: Seattle's offense is a mess right now.  The look like the Jets have looked for, basically, my entire life.

7:22PM: That Nissan commercial was an awfully long walk to nowhere.  Emotionally manipulative commercials only work on me when animals are involved.  You can't get me with humans.

7:27PM: Paul McCartney is at the superbowl.  I find that disappointing for some reason.  Like he should have more important Paul McCartney things to be doing.

7:31PM: Russell Wilson just completed a pass to a guy I've literally never seen in a Seahawks game this year.  I'm pretty confident Russell Wilson could throw a football through a brick wall.

7:33PM: Touchdown Lynch!  It's nice how Seattle's offense can basically just show up whenever they feel like it and everything's still cool.

7:36PM: The commercial featuring Walter White is currently the leader in the clubhouse for me.  Commercials don't have to be so complicated.

7:39PM: The two minute warning is one of the strangest rules in any sport.  "Hey, what if we just stop the game with two minutes to go in each half" "Why?" "I don't know, just for commercials and shit."

7:44PM: First really bad penalty of the game for Seattle.  I predict many more.

7:46PM: Wait, there's a Katy Perry performance and a pointless halftime show?  How long is this halftime?  I do have to go to work at some point this week.

7:48PM: Gronkowski touchdown.  If Gronkowski wins the MVP, I'm finding a way to start a riot.  He's the worst.

7:57PM: We've had 6 seconds left in the 1st half for about 5 minutes now.  This is why people who don't really like sports wind up really hating sports instead of just feeling indifferent.

7:58PM: Seattle makes a gutsy call to throw it into the end zone with 6 seconds left instead of just settling for the field goal and it gets them 7 instead of 3.  I hope Mike McCarthy is taking serious notes.

8:01PM: Time for the superbowl halftime show, brought to you by Pepsi and boobs.  Pepsi: It's how people who don't like Coke get diabetes.  And Boobs: They're what Katy Perry does.

8:13PM: Katy Perry is wearing an outfit that defies description while riding a mechanical tiger with satanic red eyes.  Can you imagine trying to explain why this is happening in the middle of a football game to someone who just refuses to understand marketing tie-ins.

8:24PM: I'm going to give the halftime show a solid B+.  Katy Perry was perfectly watchable.  Lenny Kravitz just played his little guitar and didn't bother anyone.  Missy Elliott was a welcomed addition.  I really don't have any complaints.

8:29PM: Market research conclusion for superbowl ad agencies: People are really into dads this year.  I think the fact that Cliff Huxtable turned out to be a rapist made people appreciate their own dad's ability to not be a horrible human being.

8:32PM: I've decided I'm stopping this at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I'm tired and I've had a headache for like 8 days and nobody's going to read this anyway.  Also, according to the TV, we're all going to die from snow poisoning tomorrow so what's the point.

8:34PM: Another catch by this Matthews fellow.  Where did they find this dude?  I imagine Russell Wilson spent the last two weeks telling Pete Carroll "Hey, you know that good receiver we have?  I think we should really use him."

8:37PM: Seattle settles for a field goal and takes their first lead.  Kudos to the New England defense for hanging in there.

8:41PM: Market research note #2: Voice-overs.  People love that shit.

8:47PM: Brady throws the ball to a Seahawk again.  I'd say that one was more on Gronk than Brady, but then again, I hate Gronk, so...

8:49PM: Are we sure Chris Matthews isn't actually Calvin Johnson or Dez Bryant in a mask?  What's happening here?

8:51PM:  Russell Wilson has never been tackled.  He just slides when he feels like it.

8:54PM: Touchdown! Wilson to Baldwin.  At least most Pats fans are probably getting a day off tomorrow.

8:58PM: Just be honest Budweiser.  Your beer is shitty but it's cheap and widely available.  When you try to tell me that you work really hard at brewing it, that just makes me feel sorry for you.

9:03PM: Punt for New England with about 3 minutes left in the third quarter.  Things looking bleak for the Patriots.  Usually when one team dominates after halftime, I'm inclined to say the other guy is getting out-coached.  Hard to believe about Belichick, but...

OK I think this is probably a good stopping point.  New England looks beaten right now.  Either they're going to make a big comeback which I'll want to pay attention to, or they'll continue to suck and I'll want to make fun of them, and I have to live here.  Enjoy the 4th quarter.

Binders Full of Women And (More) Things I Don't Care About

I've mentioned this before, but there are still a great many things in this world about which I do not care.  Now, to be fair, I'm not exactly the model for caring about stuff.  At any given time in my life, there are a few things and/or people that I care about very much, and everything else can pretty much go fuck itself.  So, I wouldn't suggest that everybody should not care about the same things I don't care about, but there are some things that make me wonder why anybody would care about them.  Like...

The superbowl halftime show.  I'm done with this, OK?  Beyonce is great, and maybe she'll bring her husband and that would be even better.  And maybe he'll bring some people he's worked with in the past.  I'm not saying I won't enjoy the Beyonce/Jay-Z/Rihanna/Eminem halftime show, I'm just saying I don't care.  My superbowl Sunday wouldn't really be any worse if they had just decided to dig up another bunch of fossils to throw on the stage. 

You know why?  Because you know what always sucks no matter how good the artist is?  A fifteen minute concert in front of a crowd that may or may not even like the performer because that's not what they came to see.  Especially since halftime is the best time for the crowd to go pee and get more beer and a nacho refill.  Even when The Who played it wasn't really that good, and they've been practicing ever since they played the halftime show at the Civil War (which was also terrible and caused President Lincoln to quickly declare "Christ this is awful, can we just get back to killing each other?").

Speaking of sports, I don't care about any summer sport once football starts.  Seriously.  Baseball, NASCAR, golf, whatever else i forced myself to watch all summer in the gap between hockey and football; please stop.  All of you need to have your championships in late August or on Labor Day weekend and then you need to shut up and watch football like the rest of us. 

If you don't care that nobody is watching, then just think about your poor athletes.  Baseball players have to spend three hours every Sunday in September playing baseball instead of watching football.  NASCAR drivers don't get to watch football until some time in November.  Don't those leagues feel bad about that?  They should.

I don't care if Lance Armstrong cheated.  First of all, seriously, who gives a shit?  He cheated in a French bicycle race.  Read that last sentence a few times and ask yourself what part of that should matter to anyone.  I never liked Lance Armstrong that much anyway, but hasn't he raised like eleventy billion dollars for cancer research?  But now fuck him because he was the one guy in cycling who was taking performance-enhancing drugs, except for, ya know, EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE SPORT!?! 

The chances of a Tour de France winner eventually getting stripped of the title for using performance enhancers are basically the same as the chances of everything that John Calipari does at Kentucky eventually being vacated for recruiting violations.  Like 98%.  Cycling is a perfect example of why sports really need to think twice and make sure they really want to know what's going on before they start with a testing program.  But somehow Lance Armstrong is now a big evil man.  I don't understand people sometimes.

I still don't care about reality TV.  I mentioned this last time http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2009/12/things-i-dont-care-about.html but it's only getting worse.  The Learning Channel used to air legit valuable television about science and stuff.  Now it's amish people in New York City and honey boo boo.  When I was a kid, the Real World San Francisco was the best thing I'd ever seen on TV, and it's been all downhill from there for reality TV.  Where's Puck when you need him? 

The bigger point is, by replacing actual, valuable, educational TV, reality shows on channels like TLC are, literally, making us dumber.  To paraphrase; honey boo boo, you are one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent nonsense are you ever close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this country is now dumber for having experienced you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Finally, I don't care about Mitt Romney's binder o' hoes, er, I mean, binders full of women.  Honestly, we all know what he was talking about and it wasn't anything offensive.  He just worded it a little strangely, which is kind of his thing.  Ginning up outrage over some stupid little comment is the Republicans' thing, and when the Democrats try it they pretty much always fail miserably. 

More importantly, wasn't the actually bad part when Romney suggested that a necessary part of hiring women is making sure you let them leave in time to go cook dinner?  I mean, you wouldn't want the hard working husbands of the women you hire out of pity to come home after a long day of working way past 5 just to find an empty table because you kept their wives at work too late.  Is it even possible for dinner to happen without a woman cooking it?  I don't know, and Mitt doesn't want to find out.

And what about all the other stupid things Mitt said Tuesday night?  He said his answer to gun violence in America involves 1) not ever considering any new gun legislation, but 2) telling people who have babies to get married.  This one statement alone should disqualify anyone from holding any kind of public office, but somehow binders full of women gets more press. 

Did you also notice how Mitt quickly threw in that the two parents had to be a mother and a father?  The only thing Republicans hate more than single moms is multiple homosexuals.  Ya know, as far as I know, Mitt had a mom and a dad, and he still turned out pretty useless.  Maybe it's time for the country to stop taking family planning advice from these idiots.

Let's Get a Few Things Straight

I'm annoyed.  I know a lot of religious people, and they're perfectly nice, but nothing in the news makes me angrier than when the religious people on TV get all up in arms about something stupid.  As a result, I've spent most of this week watching news for about 90 seconds at a time, because that's just about as long as I can stand it right now since every segment appears to be another story about how the President is forcing Catholics to fornicate with complete strangers while using birth control 15 times a day.  Let's get a few things straight.

First of all, prohibition against contraception isn't some "deeply held Catholic belief".  It's not in the magic book, it's just some rule church leaders made up later to ensure that we'd have little Catholic babies running around everywhere (which I guess I should be grateful for) and to ensure that they'd always have some sneaky ways to oppress women.

And don't try to tell me that they weren't aware of modern birth control methods back when the bible was written.  The magic book was supposedly written by the spacegod who knows everything, so that really shouldn't matter, should it? 

Even if this contraception thing was in the bible, I still wouldn't care.  This isn't some government imposition on religious freedom.  Practicing Catholics (and everyone else, for that matter) are still free to choose to use contraception or not use contraception whenever they'd like, and churches are still free to teach all the same nonsense they've always taught.

This isn't about freedom, it's about the opposite of freedom.  It's about employment law, and churches having to play by the same rules as every other employer.  It's about the ability of employers, religious or otherwise, to use their control over health coverage to impose their beliefs on employees.  Why is it that the freedom loving Republicans have no problem with this?  They're always yelling about the President taking away our freedoms.  Would they be OK with it if he called himself a reverend and wore a funny hat?

And while we're at it, the President is not hostile toward religion.  I'm hostile toward religion sometimes, like when I wonder why my tax dollars are going to some office of faith-based initiatives, or why I have to live in a country that has a national day of prayer.  And while we're at it, why do I have to put up with a Congress that has a chaplain?  I seem to have gotten a little off-track.  The point is, I'm hostile towards religion sometimes, I can't help it, but the President isn't.  Believe me, I'd notice.

Speaking of religion, Madonna is awful.  She's always been awful.  The superbowl halftime show was awful.  It's always been awful too.  And to be fair, Madonna was much better than the black eyed peas.  Do they come from a country where it's illegal to sing on key?  And speaking of the superbowl, the commercials were just as awful as Madonna.  None of them were funny, or clever, or even cute.  They were just awful.  Wow, I'm really off topic here.

Contraception isn't really my point, and neither is religion.  I certainly won't ever be working at a religiously affiliated anything.  For one thing, what if they googled me and found my blog?  But there are people out there, you know them as "Republicans", who are using this argument to further their claim that the President is engaged in a war on religion.  These people should be ashamed of themselves. 

This whole "war on religion" talking point is just a slightly more subtle way of suggesting that the President isn't really a Christian, so he isn't really an American.  After the last election, I thought the Republicans would realize their mistakes and spend these last few years coming up with, you know, policies and ideas.  Instead, most of the normal people left the party or stopped caring, the party got taken over by morons and they're doubling down on the nonsense. 

Instead of having a 2012 election about two competing ideas of what's best for the future of the country, we appear to be headed for a Republican platform about Obama's war on religion (nonsense), how tax cuts magically create jobs (more nonsense) and how the President who ordered people to shoot bin laden in the face is somehow weak on foreign policy (super nonsense). 

I've been looking forward to this election since the last one ended.  I love elections.  But as we get closer to this one, it seems like it's mostly going to suck.  I'm preparing for a swirling vortex of corporate superpac money and non-fact-based talking points.  I'm also preparing to not give money to either candidate, because I've just stopped listening.  In fact, I may not even vote for President when I go to the polls in November to vote for Elizabeth Warren (that's right, Elizabeth Warren is going to be my Senator.  When it happens, it'll be the first thing about any state that's better than anything about New York).

Well, I wouldn't vote for President, or I'd vote for a third party candidate for fun.  Except, the Republicans keep reminding me that they're theocrats, so I have to vote against them.  Not because I believe in the President that much anymore, but just because I'm annoyed.

I Have a Question for the NFL

Actually, I have a lot of questions for the NFL.  Like why are there teams in Jacksonville and Tennessee but no team in Los Angeles?  Or why do two New York teams play in New Jersey?  Or why haven't they castrated the Roethlisbozo yet?  Come to think of it, I don't know that they haven't done that last one.

So many questions, but the one that's been bothering me lately is this one.  Why does the NFL bother advertising?  Did you know football is back?  I do, because the TV told me so, over and over again.  It must be costing them millions in advertising.  Why bother?

Does the NFL think there are sports fans all over America who just haven't heard about this whole pro football thing?  Do they think that if they just get the word out, maybe one day their little league will be popular?  Or does the NFL think we forgot which day of the week football happens?  There has to be something better they can do with that money, like paying Brett Favre to go away forever. 
This "football is back" ad campaign makes it seem like the lock-out lasted for three years.  Nobody cares about the lock-out, we didn't miss anything except the stupid hall of fame game.  Stop trying to convince me to watch football.  Trust me, I'm already there.  Just leave me alone and I'll see you on Sunday.

My pre-season picks were pretty solid last year.  I nailed the NFC and Superbowl champion Packers.  As for the AFC, I didn't even have Pittsburgh in the playoffs, but I'm taking a mulligan on that one.  I knew the Steelers would be good, I just refused to pick the Bozo to win anything, a tradition I'll be continuing this year...

AFC playoff teams
1) New England
2) San Diego
3) Baltimore
4) Houston
5) New York
6) Cleveland

AFC playoff results
Baltimore over Cleveland (huge!)
New York over Houston
San Diego over Baltimore (everyone will pick Baltimore here)
New York over New England (again)
San Diego over New York

A Thought for Every AFC Team
Denver: There's no amount of money I wouldn't be willing to pay the Denver Broncos if they let me go the whole season without hearing about Tim Tebow. 

San Diego: I like the Chargers a lot this year.  If Bob Sanders can stay healthy, this could finally be their year.  That sounds like a big if, but Indianapolis always seems to be plagued with injuries, maybe it wasn't Bob's fault.

Cleveland and Pittsburgh: Why Cleveland?  I'm all in on Colt McCoy and all out on the Steelers.  Aside from hating the Bozo, Rashard Mendenhall had something like 700 touches last year.  He may disintegrate on the field at some point this season.

Indianapolis: Any season that starts with Kerry Collins is pretty much guaranteed to end in disappointment.

Buffalo: "Ladies and Gentleman.  With the first pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Buffalo Bills select Andrew Luck, quarterback from Stanford University"

Kansas City: Opposing defenses should be terrified of Jamaal Charles, but they should feel exactly the opposite about Matt Cassel.

Miami: I think the Heat can be better in their second season togeth...what?  Dolphins? There's still a football team in Miami?

Cincinnati: It's so nice to have the Bengals back.  It's like a warm security blanket of football atrocity.

Houston: No defense + lots of offensive weapons surrounding a somewhat inconsistent quarterback = always fun to watch.  They have to make the playoffs one of these years, right?

Oakland: At least they have Nnamdi...oh wait...crap!

New England: It's hard to pick against New England, but I'm at the point where I need to see them win a playoff game again before I can get back on board. 

Tennessee: As much as Chris Johnson is the man, I'm not counting on a guy who 1) skipped all of training camp and 2) is smaller than I am to carry an otherwise forgettable team to the playoffs.

Baltimore: I really don't like watching the Ravens.  I got bored just trying to think of something to write here.

Jacksonville: Los Angeles is really nice this time of year...or, for that matter, any time of year.

New York: I would also pay almost any amount of money to anyone who could get Rex Ryan to shut up for two straight weeks.  Now let's go eat a goddamn snack!

NFC playoff teams
1) Green Bay
2) Atlanta
3) Philadelphia
4) San Francisco
5) New Orleans
6) Detroit

NFC playoff results
Detroit over Philly (not betting on Vick getting to the end of the season in one piece)
New Orleans over San Francisco
Green Bay over Detroit
Atlanta over New Orleans (really good game)
Green Bay over Atlanta (really REALLY good game, but Atlanta can't win in Green Bay in January)

A Thought for Every NFC Team
Detroit: I'm picking the Lions because I like them, but also because I'm afraid Ndamukong Suh is capable of finding everyone in America who didn't pick the Lions to make the playoffs and beating them all to death.

Green Bay: Here's why I like the Packers to repeat in the NFC.  Last year they won the superbowl, but they did it as a 6 seed, and they did it without some key players.  So now you have a defending champ that didn't have a dominant season, didn't get a home playoff game and has some players returning who didn't participate in the championship run.  I'm more willing to bet on a dominant 14-2 season from Green Bay than a complacent 8-8.

Washington: I'm not one of those people who says Redskins is an offensive name.  I should probably clarify that.  I'm not saying it isn't offensive, it probably is, I just don't care.  On a related note, if you have to watch Washington play this season, chances are you'll be pretty offended.

Tampa Bay: Much like the city of Tampa Bay itself, The Bucs' defense doesn't really exist.

St. Louis: I don't know why everyone likes the Rams so much.  They only won 7 games last year, and look at who they beat.  Calm down everybody.

New York: Something about the Giants this year just screams 8-8.

New Orleans: My fantasy team is counting on a breakout season from Jimmy Graham.  So...get on that Drew Brees.

Chicago: No team did more with less last year than Chicago.  This year, I predict no team will do less with less.

Philadelphia: I think people are forgetting that Philadelphia's defense was awful last year.  And even though Nnamdi is great, the Raiders were awful pretty much the whole time he was there. I guess I'm saying I'm not 100% sold on Philly.

Atlanta: I almost picked Atlanta to win the NFC.  I think the South is too tough for them to get a 1 seed and home field in the playoffs, and that's the only reason I think they lose in the championship game. 

Minnesota: I think Minnesota's success this season will mostly depend on whether or not the Favre exorcism really worked. 

Dallas: Last year I picked Dallas to win the East, and they started the season 1-7.  As a great Texan once said, "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you.  Fool me...you can't get fooled again."

Arizona: A few too many eggs in the Kevin Kolb basket for my liking.  Look what happened to Donovan McNabb after he left Philly.  I'm not saying they're the same quarterback, I'm just saying it may be easier to put up good numbers when you're throwing the ball 97% of the time and your running backs are basically props.

Carolina: Cam Newton still has to convince me that he isn't just a more likable JaMarcus Russell.

Seattle: Boooooooooooo!!! (I've actually always liked Tarvaris Jackson, but still)

San Francisco: Speaking of getting fooled again.  Listen, they play in an awful division that I think might somehow be even worse this year, Patrick Willis is still a monster and...well that's all I can think of.  But much like the Texans, this has to happen one of these years, right?

Superbowl Pick
In one of the most fun superbowls I'll ever see, Chargers 34, Packers 28.

One Super Prediction

Before I get to what happens next Sunday, here are some things I learned from the championship games.

The Jets offense is a catastrophe. Actually, I didn't learn that, it's been that way as long as I can remember. Good plays always look like a coincidence, they're constantly disorganized, I always know what they're running next. They need to fire (and possibly incarcerate) everyone who has ever coached offense for that team and start from scratch.

I'm so tired of hearing about the Roethlisbozo. If the Steeler defense somehow won them a game in which The Bozo went 1 for 20 for 12 yards with 5 interceptions, the sports media would spend the next week telling me how that one completion came at the perfect time and how The Bozo always knows when to step up. I thought Tebow was the new Favre, maybe I was wrong.

The internet has officially ruined sports media too. Jay Cutler's knee injury, which basically became the sports equivalent of Watergate for a day and a half, proved that sports journalism has become the same as every other kind of journalism - just tell everyone what famous people are tweeting and let the magic happen.

Alright, let's get on with it. As usual, for someone who watched something like 200 hours of football this season, I seem to have learned very little. For gambling purposes, anything you read here should be quickly forgotten.

First Impression:
My very first thought for a pick was this. If the Bozo can manage to not assault anyone between now and the superbowl, than I like the Steelers. If he's in custody by the time next Sunday rolls around, I like Green Bay. So really, my first instinct was, it's a toss up.

Offenses - Passing Game:
Clear advantage to Green Bay. Better QB, better wide-outs, better protection. The Bozo can probably hit one deep ball to Mike Wallace at some point, but Rodgers can hit one to Greg Jennings and another to James Jones. Rodgers is also more accurate and less prone to mistakes, while The Bozo is less accurate and more prone to felonies.

Offenses - Running Game:
The Packers can't run the ball at all, which is handy because you can't run against Pittsburgh anyway. I actually think they can turn this weakness into a strength, because they know they can't run and they won't spend the first half banging their heads against the wall trying, like, say, a certain team from New Jersey recently did. Pittsburgh has a clear running advantage, but with their O-line pretty banged up, I'm not sure how much they can use it.

Defenses:
I have a feeling we're going to spend the next week hearing about how this game is about the Green Bay offense vs. the Pittsburgh defense. You wanna know a secret? The Green Bay defense is just as good as Pittsburgh's. The Packers only gave up 8 more points this season than Pittsburgh did, they get great pressure, they force turnovers and they're generally difficult to play against.

On the other hand, I'm not sure the Steeler D is quite as dominant as people want them to be. Bad first half against Baltimore, bad second half against the Jets, destroyed by New England earlier in the season. When I look at their schedule, I'm not blown away by who they really held down. Holding teams like Oakland and Carolina to 3 points doesn't really knock my socks off.

I'm calling the defensive battle a draw.

Quarterback Ability to (allegedly) Sexually Assault People:
Clear advantage to Pittsburgh here. Aaron Rodgers has shown no aptitude in this area. This might turn out to be useful. During the game, The Bozo will try to throw touchdowns on the Green Bay defense, and they'll say "no, no, don't throw touchdowns on us", and they'll try to stop him, but he'll keep trying anyway. After the game, he'll say they secretly wanted him to throw touchdowns on him.

Prediction:
I'm actually not sure this game will be that close. Maybe it's just wishful thinking and how much I dislike The Bozo. Maybe I spent too much time watching the Packers this season because they had my fantasy D and top WR. Whatever the reasons, Green Bay just kind of looks like a better team to me. Plus, I think playing inside really favors the Packers, I'm not sure I'd like them so much if there wasn't a roof on this game.

Packers 30, Steelers 13.

That Bowl Was Super, Thanks For Asking

Biggest sporting event of the year: Check
Dopey, over-hyped commercials: Double check
Me watching and making fun of it: Another no-brainer

Pre-game highlights? Um...I refuse to watch pre-game shows as a rule. Also, if anything doesn't need nine hours of hype leading up to it, it's the superbowl. So my pre-game viewing consisted of watching other channels until kick-off. The highlight was on Fox News. They were breathlessly covering a U-Haul truck which had been pulled over in Arizona. Supposedly the truck was full of illegal immigrants from Mexico. When the police breached the back of the truck, it was empty. In the immortal words of Kent Brockman, "so, once again, we've been duped". My favorite part was when the anchor said "there could have been dangerous people inside; snipers, drug cartel members, Mexicans". Wait, what was that last one?

My other pre-game comment comes from NBC. After an awesome hockey game (isn't every hockey game an awesome hockey game?), they showed a PGA tour event. My level of interest in golf without Tiger Woods is roughly equal to what my interest level would be in a hockey game without ice or a NASCAR race without gasoline. Note to the PGA: Your sport sucks without Tiger Woods, I don't care if he's a sex maniac, get him back, now.

Hey, am I the only one getting a little tired of hearing the national anthem before everything? (Probably). I don't necessarily need us to stop doing it, or even to change the song around too much, but maybe just an updated version. I nominate Them Crooked Vultures to create it. I could sit through a Zac Brown Band concert if Dave Grohl was on drums. OK, enough stalling, football time.

CBS stole NBC's idea of having the players introduce themselves, but they forgot to steal the best part, so we didn't get to hear Jeremy Shockey or Reggie Wayne tell us they're from "The U". Over/Under on mentions of Dwight Freeney's ankle tonight, 52.5. Saints go three and out on the first possession, not a good omen. Also, the crowd sounds roughly 104% pro-Saints. Good for them, if you weren't already a Colts fan before the season started, there's simply no excuse for not rooting for the Saints.

Jim Caldwell has the blank stare working right from the start. Field goal on the Colts' first possession. Commercials so far; house made of Bud Light; old people playing football, I think they were trying to sell me a Snickers; and Tim Tebow tackling his mom, which apparently had something to do with focus on the family. The kickoff back to the Saints was followed by an awful commercial featuring the '85 Bears, I think they were trying to sell me a cell phone or something.

Finally the Saints get a first down. The Colts are bringing a ton of pressure. I've never gotten the impression that the Saints are a team that can be rattled by pressure, Brees doesn't strike me as that kind of guy. Marques Colston dropped a big play, he's still mourning the loss of the Hofstra football program. The next pass was incomplete after obvious pass interference. Hey Saints! Don't expect too many calls today, you're playing Peyton Manning.

These commercials are awful, I refuse to buy any of these products. If the Colts go 96 yards for a touchdown right here, we may be in for a long night. Two weeks ago, the Saints hit Brett Favre late on almost every play (and hardly ever got called for it, even the NFL is sick of Brett). This week, Peyton Manning looks pretty comfortable so far, but the Saints look like they're getting closer. Hey, where has Joseph Addai been all year? Three good runs on this drive, which is at least three more than I remember seeing from him this season. Touchdown, Manning to Garcon. You could kind of feel that one coming. The Saints defense looks pretty overmatched right now. If the Saints don't start scoring, this could get ugly, like Denver Broncos ugly, even Buffalo Bills ugly.

It's official, I'm never eating Doritos or drinking any Budweiser product again. Ever. I hate these commercials so much. Furthermore, I'd pay $12 to see Jackass 4: Jackass Forever before I'd see this new Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe. Also, that cars.com commercial was like a lot of my blog posts. It just sort of wandered around for a while making jokes with varying degrees of success and hoping to stumble across a point eventually.

Late hit out of bounds on the Colts and Simms just made a good point; why are these sidelines so crowded? It's like they're playing inside a night club. Good drive working here for the Saints. Even a field goal could maybe get them settled a little. OK, Dwight Freeney just forced a field goal by dragging Drew Brees down with one hand after running over the left tackle. I think his ankle is at least decently functional.

We just learned that Jim Nantz is conversant in the CBS Monday night comedy line-up, that came right after a fantastic commercial for Letterman's show featuring him, Oprah and Leno. Did Jay lose a bet? Then we got an awful Hyundai commercial featuring Brett Favre. Finally a punt from the Colts, the fair catch by Reggie Bush caused the whole stadium to the do the disappointed sigh. Seriously, there may not be any Colts fans in Florida right now.

Brees just threw a rocket to Shockey, but since Jeremy isn't 9 feet tall, that one almost got picked. Brees isn't always great at being careful with the ball, that could be a problem tonight. Another catch for Colston, go Flying Dutchmen! You heard me. Pride? Eff that. What the hell kind of a team name is that? No wonder they had to cut the football program because no one was coming to the games.

I love how we a get "Uuuuuuuu" from the crowd every time Vilma or Shockey makes a play. If I was a big time high school football player, I'd tell all the other colleges to not even bother. The Saints just ran a play that seemed to be designed to lose 7 yards, and it worked perfectly. I guess they needed some more room for the 27 yard pass play that happened next.

Commercials during the two minute warning included the best line of the night so far: "flowers in a box? that's what cigarettes and dead people come in". I like that, what was it a commercial for? I don't know, I guess flowers not in a box. Also, CSI Miami is going to space. Could Emily Procter be even cuter in space than she is on earth? I guess we'll find out.

After the warning, a goal line stuff by the Colts D. A 6+ minute Saints drive gets nothing. Like a swift kick to the groin of every Saints fan. At least the Colts were trapped far enough down field they just decided not to try anything with the football before the half. Three and out for the Colts and it's Reggie Bush time again.

It looks like they're building either a Harry Potter theme park or a Harry Potter section in another theme park. Either way, how did that take so long? I'd have to invent a new number, like say, eleventy billion, to estimate how much money that place could make.

Here's something funny about me. I have almost no ability to feel empathy for other humans, but whenever I see a commercial involving a robot that's supposed to be depressed for some reason, I feel genuinely bad for the robot. What kind of psychopath does that make me? Don't answer that. Anyway, good job by New Orleans of getting a field goal before the half. I thought this was supposed to be a "shoot-out". Football experts everywhere said so. Am I watching the wrong game? Is this some kind of consolation game?

Halftime Comments:
I like The Who, everybody likes The Who, but can we please get some current music. OK, so the awesome Jay-Z/Rhianna/Eminem halftime show would scare the flyover states (and everyone else over 40). How about Kings of Leon, or Green Day, or Pearl Jam, or Velvet Revolver? (provided Scott isn't in jail, or high, or just missing for unexplained reasons, OK you'd need a back-up act if you scheduled Velvet Revolver) Of course, the Velvet Revolver show would end with the surprise GnR reunion. I will keep coming up with GnR reunion ideas until someone takes one and makes it work.

The Saints started the second half with an onsides kick. That's balls right there. After about a two minute scrum for the ball, the Saints come out with it. How awesome was that? 13 out of 10 on the awesome scale. Jim Caldwell's reaction? Blank stare. The Saints reaction? Marching right down the field for their first touchdown. And what does coach Caldwell think of this start to the second half? He thinks it's a good time to stare blankly.

Peyton Manning used to be good for a self-destruction in this kind of situation. Recently though, he's been pretty unflappable. Man, the Colts are just calmly marching right back down the field like nothing even happened. I'm not a Manning fan at all, but that was pretty impressive. They just sliced through the Saints D and took the lead back, completely blunted all the Saints' momentum, stunning, I'm stunned.

We're getting pretty close to adding Coca-cola to the list of products I'm never buying again. It's tougher, because I like Coke, but these commercials are pretty unbearable. Also, they've played Metallica at least three times during highlight packages. Why couldn't we get them for halftime?

The Saints seem to have found a little something here, they're moving down the field again. It's possible the Colts D is getting a little winded, they've been out there quite a bit. Settling for the field goal here doesn't feel great. If I had money on the Saints, I'd be nervous right about now. By the way, I really liked that Google commercial, well done.

"This could only be one place; A tradition like no other; Hide the women because Tiger's coming. The Masters on CBS."

The Saints aren't getting anywhere near Peyton Manning right now. The Colts went for it on 4th&2 and made it look easy. Simms commented "Jim Caldwell isn't afraid to make a bold decision". Really? I don't think I saw Manning even look over at the sideline before going for it. Kudos to the Saints D for stepping up, the Colts were looking unstoppable, then all of a sudden we see a 51 yard field goal try go wide left and the Saints are left with excellent field position.

Did Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret have to pool their money for a superbowl spot? Are they even owned by the same company? Am I supposed to eat them together? That was weird.

Here come the Saints again. I'm not sure the Colts D has much left. Another nice catch by Colston. The dude's pretty good, he must have gone to an awesome college. A Saints TD is looking pretty inevitable right now. I have a prediction, if Shockey scores here, this pro-Saints Miami crowd will completely lose it's collective mind. And there it is. Way to score and work the crowd at the same time. The Saints missed the two point conversion though, that can't be good. That looked close, I might have challenged that. Sean Payton might have challenged it too, and, in fact, he did. That looks like a catch to me, Lance Moore had it for a while before that guy kicked it away. Play overturned, Saints up by seven. Great play by Lance Moore too. That almost makes up for the week he gave my fantasy team a big fat 0.

Five years ago, there's no way Manning pulls off this comeback. Now? I'm terrified for the Saints. I couldn't tell if the green police commercial during the injury timeout was pro-environment or anti-environment, but then we found out it was just pro-car (what kind of car? I already forgot. Volkswagen maybe). And there's the Peyton Manning I remember from my younger and more innocent days. INT returned for a TD by Tracy Porter. 31-17 Saints. No one is going to work in New Orleans tomorrow. No one.

The Saints are spending the last few minutes just trying to hang on and giving up huge chunks of yardage. Stupid late hit penalty stopped the clock. Luckily for the Saints, that was immediately followed by an offensive pass interference penalty that moved the Colts back ten yards and forced them to use a timeout. After a ridiculous run call on 3rd&Goal, incomplete pass on fourth down and it's officially over.

After the first quarter, once the Saints got their heads in the game, this was a pretty hard ass kicking. The Saints dominated the last three quarters of this game. Drew Brees is the pretty obvious MVP. The Gatorade bath guys almost killed a few people on the sideline trying to get the bucket to the coach, but they got it done. There really isn't anything else to say. Solid game, great outcome, crappy commercials. Everything you could ask for in a superbowl.

Dude, Where's My Pro-Bowl?

So, first of all, the superbowl match-up is set. I promised I wouldn't do anymore football picking this year if I couldn't get at least one championship game right, so I'm not picking the superbowl. It would be cruel for me to doom one team to certain defeat by picking them. I actually wound up rooting extra hard for myself to be wrong about the NFC game once the Jets lost. There's just no way I would have been able to watch a Peyton Manning vs. Brett Favre superbowl. None. I would have had to spend next Sunday watching...I don't know, whatever it is women watch during the superbowl. I have to say though, a lot of my pre-game analysis for the championship games was on point, right up until the part where I tried to pick winners.

I said the Jets would have to figure out how to cover the non-Revis side of the field. After about 600 yards from Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, I think the Jets will be shopping for a new cornerback this off-season. It was unbelievable how poorly the Jets covered those two guys. It's like the Colts had their Madden game set on rookie.

There was a point during the second quarter of that game when I really thought the Jets could win. They were up 17-6 right before the half and the Colts were looking pretty rattled. Then Manning sliced through the Jets defense before halftime and that was pretty much that. Are you telling me you thought the Jets had a chance to hold on in the second half? I don't believe you.

The NFC game was perfect. Vikings driving, seconds left to play, all Favre had to do was take the 5-7 yards in front of him and give the kicker a shot, in a dome. What happened next was absolutely priceless, maybe my favorite football game moment ever. The best part was, anyone watching who knew anything about football knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as Favre started winding up to throw. You could practically hear the entire state of Minnesota screaming "no, NO, NOOOOOOOO!" followed by the entire state of Wisconsin laughing hysterically.

Why, you ask, do I find so much humor in Brett's failure? Well, how about this? After the game, when asked about the possibility of him returning next year, he said that it was "highly unlikely". This will go on forever, your grandchildren will be wondering if Brett Favre is coming back to play the 2087 season opener on the moon.

All of this gave us a fantastic superbowl match-up. The thoroughly likable Saints against the completely contemptible Colts. I won't pick the game, but I'll damn sure be rooting for the Saints. Not only can't I stand Peyton Manning, not only is New Orleans the obvious team to root for here unless you live in Indiana, but the football gods are the only gods I still believe in (stupid Zeus, I prayed to him for years, what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing! Damn ancient Greeks). If the Colts win after quitting on a perfect season, I'll have nothing to believe in.

Speaking of football, this weekend is the pro-bowl. I've heard lots of different opinions about this, moving the pro-bowl to the week before the superbowl and moving it from Hawaii to the superbowl site. I have to say, I'm a fan of this idea.

First of all, it's not like I could care about the pro-bowl less than I already do. It's not like anyone has to move their big annual pro-bowl party. I've heard some people make the argument that the NFL shouldn't tinker with things while it's doing so well. I understand that idea, but when your all-star game has basically become the who cares bowl, why not try something different. You can't ruin something that's already worthless.

Now, I don't like the idea of having a 0% chance of the superbowl teams' players appearing in the pro-bowl. That problem would really bother me about the new date, except that the chance of that happening previously was about .003%.

I actually heard someone point out that the players don't get to go to Hawaii anymore. Oh, boohoo. I'm sure the incredibly rich guys who get like 7 months off every year can find the time and money to somehow get to Hawaii.

Most importantly, I think the new date is a great piece of scheduling. If there's one thing I've always hated about the NFL, it's the random week off between the rest of the season and the superbowl. It was easily my least favorite thing about football that isn't an over-hyped quarterback. I think a lot of people really want football that week. I've never watched the pro-bowl before, I'd always moved on to other sports in my head. It was like having a hockey game in August. This weekend, I'm watching the pro-bowl, because it's still football season, and that's what you do during football season, you watch football.