I Have a Question for the NFL

Actually, I have a lot of questions for the NFL.  Like why are there teams in Jacksonville and Tennessee but no team in Los Angeles?  Or why do two New York teams play in New Jersey?  Or why haven't they castrated the Roethlisbozo yet?  Come to think of it, I don't know that they haven't done that last one.

So many questions, but the one that's been bothering me lately is this one.  Why does the NFL bother advertising?  Did you know football is back?  I do, because the TV told me so, over and over again.  It must be costing them millions in advertising.  Why bother?

Does the NFL think there are sports fans all over America who just haven't heard about this whole pro football thing?  Do they think that if they just get the word out, maybe one day their little league will be popular?  Or does the NFL think we forgot which day of the week football happens?  There has to be something better they can do with that money, like paying Brett Favre to go away forever. 
This "football is back" ad campaign makes it seem like the lock-out lasted for three years.  Nobody cares about the lock-out, we didn't miss anything except the stupid hall of fame game.  Stop trying to convince me to watch football.  Trust me, I'm already there.  Just leave me alone and I'll see you on Sunday.

My pre-season picks were pretty solid last year.  I nailed the NFC and Superbowl champion Packers.  As for the AFC, I didn't even have Pittsburgh in the playoffs, but I'm taking a mulligan on that one.  I knew the Steelers would be good, I just refused to pick the Bozo to win anything, a tradition I'll be continuing this year...

AFC playoff teams
1) New England
2) San Diego
3) Baltimore
4) Houston
5) New York
6) Cleveland

AFC playoff results
Baltimore over Cleveland (huge!)
New York over Houston
San Diego over Baltimore (everyone will pick Baltimore here)
New York over New England (again)
San Diego over New York

A Thought for Every AFC Team
Denver: There's no amount of money I wouldn't be willing to pay the Denver Broncos if they let me go the whole season without hearing about Tim Tebow. 

San Diego: I like the Chargers a lot this year.  If Bob Sanders can stay healthy, this could finally be their year.  That sounds like a big if, but Indianapolis always seems to be plagued with injuries, maybe it wasn't Bob's fault.

Cleveland and Pittsburgh: Why Cleveland?  I'm all in on Colt McCoy and all out on the Steelers.  Aside from hating the Bozo, Rashard Mendenhall had something like 700 touches last year.  He may disintegrate on the field at some point this season.

Indianapolis: Any season that starts with Kerry Collins is pretty much guaranteed to end in disappointment.

Buffalo: "Ladies and Gentleman.  With the first pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Buffalo Bills select Andrew Luck, quarterback from Stanford University"

Kansas City: Opposing defenses should be terrified of Jamaal Charles, but they should feel exactly the opposite about Matt Cassel.

Miami: I think the Heat can be better in their second season togeth...what?  Dolphins? There's still a football team in Miami?

Cincinnati: It's so nice to have the Bengals back.  It's like a warm security blanket of football atrocity.

Houston: No defense + lots of offensive weapons surrounding a somewhat inconsistent quarterback = always fun to watch.  They have to make the playoffs one of these years, right?

Oakland: At least they have Nnamdi...oh wait...crap!

New England: It's hard to pick against New England, but I'm at the point where I need to see them win a playoff game again before I can get back on board. 

Tennessee: As much as Chris Johnson is the man, I'm not counting on a guy who 1) skipped all of training camp and 2) is smaller than I am to carry an otherwise forgettable team to the playoffs.

Baltimore: I really don't like watching the Ravens.  I got bored just trying to think of something to write here.

Jacksonville: Los Angeles is really nice this time of year...or, for that matter, any time of year.

New York: I would also pay almost any amount of money to anyone who could get Rex Ryan to shut up for two straight weeks.  Now let's go eat a goddamn snack!

NFC playoff teams
1) Green Bay
2) Atlanta
3) Philadelphia
4) San Francisco
5) New Orleans
6) Detroit

NFC playoff results
Detroit over Philly (not betting on Vick getting to the end of the season in one piece)
New Orleans over San Francisco
Green Bay over Detroit
Atlanta over New Orleans (really good game)
Green Bay over Atlanta (really REALLY good game, but Atlanta can't win in Green Bay in January)

A Thought for Every NFC Team
Detroit: I'm picking the Lions because I like them, but also because I'm afraid Ndamukong Suh is capable of finding everyone in America who didn't pick the Lions to make the playoffs and beating them all to death.

Green Bay: Here's why I like the Packers to repeat in the NFC.  Last year they won the superbowl, but they did it as a 6 seed, and they did it without some key players.  So now you have a defending champ that didn't have a dominant season, didn't get a home playoff game and has some players returning who didn't participate in the championship run.  I'm more willing to bet on a dominant 14-2 season from Green Bay than a complacent 8-8.

Washington: I'm not one of those people who says Redskins is an offensive name.  I should probably clarify that.  I'm not saying it isn't offensive, it probably is, I just don't care.  On a related note, if you have to watch Washington play this season, chances are you'll be pretty offended.

Tampa Bay: Much like the city of Tampa Bay itself, The Bucs' defense doesn't really exist.

St. Louis: I don't know why everyone likes the Rams so much.  They only won 7 games last year, and look at who they beat.  Calm down everybody.

New York: Something about the Giants this year just screams 8-8.

New Orleans: My fantasy team is counting on a breakout season from Jimmy Graham.  So...get on that Drew Brees.

Chicago: No team did more with less last year than Chicago.  This year, I predict no team will do less with less.

Philadelphia: I think people are forgetting that Philadelphia's defense was awful last year.  And even though Nnamdi is great, the Raiders were awful pretty much the whole time he was there. I guess I'm saying I'm not 100% sold on Philly.

Atlanta: I almost picked Atlanta to win the NFC.  I think the South is too tough for them to get a 1 seed and home field in the playoffs, and that's the only reason I think they lose in the championship game. 

Minnesota: I think Minnesota's success this season will mostly depend on whether or not the Favre exorcism really worked. 

Dallas: Last year I picked Dallas to win the East, and they started the season 1-7.  As a great Texan once said, "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you.  Fool me...you can't get fooled again."

Arizona: A few too many eggs in the Kevin Kolb basket for my liking.  Look what happened to Donovan McNabb after he left Philly.  I'm not saying they're the same quarterback, I'm just saying it may be easier to put up good numbers when you're throwing the ball 97% of the time and your running backs are basically props.

Carolina: Cam Newton still has to convince me that he isn't just a more likable JaMarcus Russell.

Seattle: Boooooooooooo!!! (I've actually always liked Tarvaris Jackson, but still)

San Francisco: Speaking of getting fooled again.  Listen, they play in an awful division that I think might somehow be even worse this year, Patrick Willis is still a monster and...well that's all I can think of.  But much like the Texans, this has to happen one of these years, right?

Superbowl Pick
In one of the most fun superbowls I'll ever see, Chargers 34, Packers 28.

Pessimism

Some people are optimists. They see the glass as half-full. They always look at the bright side. Even more people at least try to be optimists. Not me. No matter how much I like something, I can always see the downside. I'm like the opposite of a motivational speaker. I wonder if there's a market for that. Someone to come in and talk to your employees when they're just a little too happy, a little too satisfied. I could be that guy.

Anyway, I bring this up because one of the best days in America's year is coming up. Football's back! We've been waiting for Sunday since February and I'm tired of spending my Sundays watching stock cars drive around in endless circles. I can't wait. But that's Sunday. Today, I'm using my talent for pessimism to point out all the things I hate about this thing I love.

I hate that football starts on a Thursday. Just like baseball starting at night or the WNBA starting ever, football starting on a Thursday makes no sense. Football is for Sundays and Monday night and that's it. If Pierre Thomas wasn't on my fantasy team, I'd boycott tonight's game altogether. And speaking of tonight's game...

I hate Brett Favre. I just want to run up to him and punch him in the stomach. That goes for Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow too. I wish all three of them would retire and get a TV show together that I could never watch. I'm feeling a cop drama. Manning as the by-the-book Sergeant, Favre as the rule-breaking, bad-boy detective who never retires so eventually someone has to shoot him and Tebow as the cocky rookie. This could work. Speaking of Peyton Manning...

I hate the Colts. I'm not 100% sure why. They're just so smug and well-run and annoying. And then they quit on the perfect season last year (and the football gods punished them thoroughly). Maybe it's Manning's fault, I stopped hating the Packers after Favre left.

I hate the Jets' offense. This pre-dates Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan, it even goes back to previous offensive coordinators. I feel like the Jets' offense has been terrible my whole life. It's like nobody told them the goal is to go forward. Also, in a more recent development, Braylon Edwards can't catch. Somebody on the Jets' coaching staff should probably try to work on that.

I hate that where I live dictates what NFL games I see. This never bothered me in other sports. I had Yankee games my whole life in New York, and who wants non-Yankee baseball anyway. Non-Yankee baseball is like ordering apple pie, only when your pie comes, instead of apples inside, it's the Kansas City Royals. But the regional market thing doesn't work for football in New York for. I've spent my whole life watching awful Jets games and horrible NFC east football. Do you remember when the Giants played the Cardinals twice a year? Unfortunately, I do.

I hate the whole NFL money situation. The non-guaranteed contracts, the hold-outs, the crappy collective bargaining agreement. First of all, a non-guaranteed contract isn't really a contract, is it? They should call them non-binding resolutions like Congress does. Also, what's with the hold-outs? Darrelle Revis held the entire city of New York and everyone at ESPN hostage for like six weeks because he was only supposed to make 1 million dollars this year. I know he's worth more than that, but is only getting paid 1 million dollars really a good enough reason to just stop going to work? (seriously, is it? Because I'd love to not get up for work tomorrow)

Finally, I hate that no one knows what's going on in the NFL from week to week. Sometime this season, I'll start a running back on my fantasy team that everyone says will have a big week, but he'll wind up with 4 carries for -3 yards. Everybody's superbowl pick will probably go 6-10. I know, that's what we love about it too, unpredictability and all. So, with absolutely no confidence, here are my picks for the season.

NFC PLAYOFFS
1: Dallas
2: Green Bay
3: New Orleans
4: San Francisco
5: Atlanta
6: Philadelphia

New Orleans over Philly
San Francisco over Atlanta
Green Bay over New Orleans (but only if this game happens in Green Bay like I'm predicting)
San Francisco over Dallas (big upset, Dallas chokes away a chance to play a home superbowl, Wade Phillips is fired and possibly executed by Jerry Jones immediately following the game)
Green Bay over San Francisco

Random NFC Thoughts
If I owned a sports team, I'd immediately hire Mike Singletary to coach it. It wouldn't even have to be a football team.
It'll be a big day for Philly fans when Kolb takes them to the playoffs while McNabb watches from home. Unfortunately, Andy Reid will still throw the ball approximately 103% of the time and they'll lose eventually.
No playoffs for the Vikings. This Favre thing has to end sometime, and it'll only end when his team has a bad enough season that no one could possibly want him the next season. Fingers crossed for this year everyone.

AFC PLAYOFFS
1: Indianapolis (Boooooooooooo)
2: Baltimore
3: New England
4: Oakland (you heard me!)
5: New York
6: Houston

New England over Houston
New York over Oakland (blowout, total destruction)
New York over Indy (revenge!)
Baltimore over New England (not revenge!)
Baltimore over New York (The phrase Rex bowl or Ryan bowl will be used around 1 million times)

Superbowl: Green Bay over Baltimore

Random AFC Thoughts
I thought people were crazy picking Baltimore until I actually looked at the AFC. The Jets can't score, the Pats can't defend and the Colts always choke eventually unless Rex Grossman is involved.
Some people like the Bengals, and they could go 11-5. They could also go 5-8 and have the entire team spend the last three weeks of the season in prison. I'm staying away.
I think Chris Johnson has another 2000 yard season in him. Speaking of the Titans, I usually hate guys who get labeled as "guys who just win", but I'm kind of buying it with Vince Young. If one of my AFC picks misses, I think the Titans take their spot.
No Steelers. I won't pick the Roethlisbozo. I hope they go 0-16.

Dude, Where's My Pro-Bowl?

So, first of all, the superbowl match-up is set. I promised I wouldn't do anymore football picking this year if I couldn't get at least one championship game right, so I'm not picking the superbowl. It would be cruel for me to doom one team to certain defeat by picking them. I actually wound up rooting extra hard for myself to be wrong about the NFC game once the Jets lost. There's just no way I would have been able to watch a Peyton Manning vs. Brett Favre superbowl. None. I would have had to spend next Sunday watching...I don't know, whatever it is women watch during the superbowl. I have to say though, a lot of my pre-game analysis for the championship games was on point, right up until the part where I tried to pick winners.

I said the Jets would have to figure out how to cover the non-Revis side of the field. After about 600 yards from Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, I think the Jets will be shopping for a new cornerback this off-season. It was unbelievable how poorly the Jets covered those two guys. It's like the Colts had their Madden game set on rookie.

There was a point during the second quarter of that game when I really thought the Jets could win. They were up 17-6 right before the half and the Colts were looking pretty rattled. Then Manning sliced through the Jets defense before halftime and that was pretty much that. Are you telling me you thought the Jets had a chance to hold on in the second half? I don't believe you.

The NFC game was perfect. Vikings driving, seconds left to play, all Favre had to do was take the 5-7 yards in front of him and give the kicker a shot, in a dome. What happened next was absolutely priceless, maybe my favorite football game moment ever. The best part was, anyone watching who knew anything about football knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as Favre started winding up to throw. You could practically hear the entire state of Minnesota screaming "no, NO, NOOOOOOOO!" followed by the entire state of Wisconsin laughing hysterically.

Why, you ask, do I find so much humor in Brett's failure? Well, how about this? After the game, when asked about the possibility of him returning next year, he said that it was "highly unlikely". This will go on forever, your grandchildren will be wondering if Brett Favre is coming back to play the 2087 season opener on the moon.

All of this gave us a fantastic superbowl match-up. The thoroughly likable Saints against the completely contemptible Colts. I won't pick the game, but I'll damn sure be rooting for the Saints. Not only can't I stand Peyton Manning, not only is New Orleans the obvious team to root for here unless you live in Indiana, but the football gods are the only gods I still believe in (stupid Zeus, I prayed to him for years, what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing! Damn ancient Greeks). If the Colts win after quitting on a perfect season, I'll have nothing to believe in.

Speaking of football, this weekend is the pro-bowl. I've heard lots of different opinions about this, moving the pro-bowl to the week before the superbowl and moving it from Hawaii to the superbowl site. I have to say, I'm a fan of this idea.

First of all, it's not like I could care about the pro-bowl less than I already do. It's not like anyone has to move their big annual pro-bowl party. I've heard some people make the argument that the NFL shouldn't tinker with things while it's doing so well. I understand that idea, but when your all-star game has basically become the who cares bowl, why not try something different. You can't ruin something that's already worthless.

Now, I don't like the idea of having a 0% chance of the superbowl teams' players appearing in the pro-bowl. That problem would really bother me about the new date, except that the chance of that happening previously was about .003%.

I actually heard someone point out that the players don't get to go to Hawaii anymore. Oh, boohoo. I'm sure the incredibly rich guys who get like 7 months off every year can find the time and money to somehow get to Hawaii.

Most importantly, I think the new date is a great piece of scheduling. If there's one thing I've always hated about the NFL, it's the random week off between the rest of the season and the superbowl. It was easily my least favorite thing about football that isn't an over-hyped quarterback. I think a lot of people really want football that week. I've never watched the pro-bowl before, I'd always moved on to other sports in my head. It was like having a hockey game in August. This weekend, I'm watching the pro-bowl, because it's still football season, and that's what you do during football season, you watch football.

Movies I Need To See

When I say "I need to see", I don't mean it as in "hey, I need to see that new Star Trek movie". By the way, I saw the new Star Trek movie on DVD recently, solid effort, I'm sure nerds worldwide had some sort of problem with it, but I recommend it. What I mean is, I need to see these movies get made.

Last week, I started a blog entry complaining about how Invictus is the first movie in which Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela (I won't let myself get started on this again, but I mean, really, come on!). My buddy Dave commented that we don't have any good World War 1 movies and suggested a prequel to Saving Private Ryan that explores post-WW1 Germany and the rise of Hitler. This is a great idea, and certainly the story of what could happen with the resulting power vacuum and desperation of a war torn nation is something we would do well to take note of as events continue to unfold in Iraq and Afghanistan. Also, a good movie about the true evil of Adolf Hitler might help us finally stop some people from comparing everyone they don't like to him.

This discussion gave me an idea. Look at all the crappy movies we put up with every year. Did anyone see semi-pro with Will Ferrell? I did, and if you did too, you have my sympathy. Larry the cable guy has made multiple movies. Someone responsible should be punished for that, preferably by having to watch them over and over again until they prove that it's possible to die from stupidity. So here are seven movies that need to get made, like right now, and don't tell me Hollywood has better ideas than I do or there isn't money to make these, because semi-pro, anything involving larry the cable guy and the hundreds of other cinematic turds we've been subjected to over the years completely destroy both of those arguments.

7. I think it's time for a movie about the Monica Lewinsky scandal. I know HBO is doing something like this soon, but from what I've read, the HBO thing seems to be more about Tony Blair's frustration over how distracted Clinton was by the scandal. They're not even getting anyone to play Lewinksy, they're just using archival news footage. What a crock! I remember thinking all sorts of things about this scandal when it was happening, but none of them were "I wonder what the British Prime Minister thinks about this?" I think this needs to happen with Lewinsky as the main character. This would be the TRUE story of some random 22 year old having an affair with the President of the United States. Tell me that doesn't sound interesting. You can't. I rest my case.

6. The Audacity of Hype: The Brett Favre and Tim Tebow Story. This movie would follow the lives of two quarterbacks and their journeys from mere mortals to star football players whose media hype far exceeds anything that anyone could actually do on a football field that exists in reality. One movie, two touching stories, but the real selling point is the twist at the end, when we find out that Tim Tebow is the illegitimate son of Brett Favre and a bayou alligator.

5. I know remakes are sometimes considered sacrilege by movie buffs and fans of the original, and I get that. But I think remakes have some merit. Eventually, even a great movie gets old enough that it just doesn't look and feel right to the new generation. This is when a remake can come in and expose a whole new generation of fans to a great movie. So, I propose that it's time to remake Slap Shot. I know, I know. I can hear every hockey fan who reads this booing me as I write it, but hear me out. Hockey is struggling, we all know that. The NHL needs a game changer, something to get it going again with a influx of new fans. I submit that a Slap Shot remake can do for hockey what Rounders did for poker, maybe even get it on ESPN (imagine that).

4. Isn't it time for a Michael Jordan movie? This guy is the most important athlete since Babe Ruth and one of the most interesting people we've seen in sports in a while. For most big time athletes, you'd say we already know too much about them for a movie to be interesting, but not MJ. The gambling, the trash talking we never got to hear, the random and suspicious adventure into baseball and the subsequent sucking at baseball. I could be wrong about this one, but I just feel like there's a lot of unexplored territory here. You know this movie happens eventually, why do we have to wait until people are dead to make movies about them? Wouldn't this movie be like 10 times better if you paid MJ enough to be involved and tell the whole story about everything?

3. I'd like to see a comedy set entirely in hell. This movie has two dimensions. First, we get to see Norm Macdonald as the devil, wandering around hell and making smart ass remarks while he oversees the ironically hilarious eternal torments of evil people, carried out by his mostly incompetent hell staff. The broader plot would be something like the old Pinky and the Brain cartoons. Every night, satan Norm tries to outsmart god and take over heaven, but his plan is always foiled by his witless sidekick, possibly played by Steven Colbert. Am I really just looking for something to put Norm in? Maybe, but I still think this can work.

2. I like sci-fi movies sometimes, so here's one I think we need to see. The movie takes place on a planet, the people living there aren't humans, but they're humanoid enough so that humans can play them in the movie (always a key to alien movies). Most of the plot would be relatively generic. Aliens come to our little planet and make contact with the inhabitants. At first, the aliens seem nice and say they want to do good things. As the movie goes on, we learn they have sinister motives. But here's the big idea, we don't see the aliens' faces until right near the end of the movie, when we find out that they're humans. It's us doing sinister things and taking over this planet. I especially like this because it has prequel potential if it goes over well. Wouldn't we then need to find out what happened to Earth and why humans are now roaming the galaxy and taking over other planets? We'd want to know that, right? Then you get a sequel with what happens after we take over the planet. This could be a whole franchise.

1. Finally, I need a Guns n Roses movie. First, how many great GnR stories are there? Like how Slash supposedly died one time. Or the story of how Steve Adler is somehow not dead. I feel like this movie could be five hours long and not have a boring moment. Second, and more importantly, if we pay all the guys enough money to play themselves in the movie, we could get a GnR reunion. If I put 200 million dollars into this movie and it made 20 dollars at the box office, it would still be totally worth it for a reunion. I would give my other six great ideas away for free, and this one too, just to have someone do this and get Axl, Slash, Izzy and Duff on a stage together again. Matt Sorum can be the drummer, I don't need Steve Adler for a reunion, I don't even know how he's still standing up on his own.