NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 3

Before we start, just a quick note about pointless outdoor hockey.  Pointless outdoor hockey is pointless.  I like the Winter Classic.  It saves me from having to pretend to care about college football for three hours every New Years Day.  But like most things that happen once a year, once is enough.  I don't need random extra outdoor games.  I don't need the Rangers having to play outdoors twice in four days.  I definitely don't need an attempted outdoor hockey game in Los Angeles. 

Gary Bettman understands that ice is an important part of ice hockey, right?  And he also understands that ice is cold, right?  To be fair, I'm frequently confused by things that the NHL thinks are good ideas, like wearing dark uniforms at home, or having multiple Florida based teams.  Still, the stadium series seems particularly stupid and while I'm sure they made some extra money, I don't care about that a lot.

OK, let's get started...no wait, one more quick note on the stadium series.  The announcers have been intolerable.  It's like the only instruction NBC gave them for doing a hockey game at a baseball stadium was "Use a lot of baseball words, but use them to describe hockey things...people will love that shit."  I do not love that shit.  OK I'm done now.

Welcome to part 3 of my epic three part NHL uniform manifesto.  If you missed the first two parts, you really should go read them (Part 1 and Part 2) because without the first two parts, part 3 is just nonsense. 

10. New Jersey Devils
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 29

The Devils added black to their color profile a while ago, which is perfectly fine, but they also subtracted green, which is less fine.  Wouldn't the Devils look pretty great in green alternates with red and black trim?  I say yes.  Meanwhile, the logo looks nice at first glance, but the fact that the devil horns and tail don't fit in the circle has always bothered me.

The first impression score for New Jersey was a real roller coaster.  I've always hated watching the Devils play, because they've always been incredibly boring.  But on the other hand, I've sat literally three feet from the Devils' bench at the Nassau Coliseum on multiple occasions, and that was a shitload of fun.  Shitload of fun trumps neutral zone trap, so big points for first impression, but it wasn't easy. 

9. New York Rangers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 9
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 30

Another emotional battle on first impression.  My mom likes the Rangers, but my grandmother taught me to be an Islander fan.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have been a model of mediocrity for as long as I can remember, and have never been that fun to watch.  The tie breaker here was a Ranger game I went to in college, or maybe grad school.  The song they play when the Rangers score is one of the most fun sports things I've ever seen.

Everything else about the Rangers is great, except, once again, a darker shade of blue is ruining my life.  The blue on the regular home jerseys is borderline tolerable, but the alternate is even darker.  How good would the Rangers look in a red alternate?  Another missed opportunity, and another jersey ruined by inexplicable dark blue.  Having said all that, the Rangers' jerseys are undeniably classic and almost landed the first 10 I've given out, but not quite, because, to be honest, I just don't like them very much.

8. St. Louis Blues
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 8
Total - 32

I wanted a Brett Hull Blues jersey so much at one point when I was a kid, and I'm like 99% sure my parents got me one.  How dare the Blues change those jerseys?!?  And they added a DARKER BLUE alternate?  I know St. Louis' trend isn't as bad as some other teams that got higher scores, but I'm so mad at them right now that I don't care.

Setting that aside for a second, I generally like the Blues' jerseys.  I think St. Louis was victimized more by the new Reebok uniforms than anyone else, but that's not entirely the team's fault.  Meanwhile, blue and gold are always a solid combo and I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of the blue note logo.  I'm not sure if Blues makes a lot of sense for St. Louis, but it just sort of sounds right. 

7. New York Islanders
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 39

OK, let's start with the good stuff.  The Islanders are my childhood team.  All of my early hockey memories are Islander memories, and they're mostly good.  On top of that, out of all the possible color schemes, I think blue and orange might be my favorite.  Islanders might be a little too close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for my taste, but I'm giving them a pass on the lazy name because the logo is really nice and looks great on a jersey.  High marks all around for the regular Islander jerseys, which may very well have come in at #1 overall it wasn't for...

...those alternates.  Here are just some of the problems with the Islander alternates, aside from just being incredibly ugly:
1) Every time they're wearing the offending alternates, they aren't wearing their awesome regular jerseys.
2) Where did the weird grey/silver come from?
3) They never bothered designing alternate helmets, so they still wear the regular blue home helmets with the alternates and it looks ridiculous. 
4) Even the Islanders don't exactly know what color their alternates are.  I've heard the announcers who do the Islander games discussing whether they're black or very dark blue.
5) Of all the teams who should be doing a third jersey in their third color, the Islanders top the list.  The Islanders' third jersey should just be the regular home jersey with the blue and orange inverted. 

I could go on and on and on and on.  The Islanders lost at least one point in every category because of these monstrosities.  I can't stand them.  I literally turn off Islander games when I see them wearing the alternates.  I understand why people still talk about the Islanders' mid-90s fisherman uniforms, but these are honestly 100 times worse.  The fisherman wasn't even the problem on those, it was the new colors and the strange wavy lines.  I wouldn't even mind black alternates in the same design as the regular uniforms...ugh, I need to move on.

6. Toronto Maple Leafs
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 40

Toronto is the first team to score full marks in any category, and they did it twice!  I know a classic uniform when I see one, and the Maple Leafs, I mean, I almost gave them an 11 for classicyness.  Logo/Mascot is just as good.  The logo looks great on the jerseys and Maple Leafs is just perfect.  It's basically saying "Hi, we're from Canada, eh", but in team moniker form.  Just terrific. 

Normally I would be a little more negative on the color scheme.  Blue and white isn't exactly lighting the world on fire, but the Maple Leafs date back to like 1917.  The world only had like 5 colors back then, using three of them would have been selfish. 

First impression is really the only weak score.  I've been watching hockey for about 34 years now, and I can't ever remember Toronto being good, or fun to watch, or generating any real reaction from me at all except for the occasional "hey, they're from Canada, that's fun!"  But even that response is muted.  Toronto is the least Canada-y of all the Canadian hockey cities.  They even have an NBA team.

5. Edmonton Oilers
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 41

Hey, speaking of blue and orange, it's the Oilers!  High marks all around, including an 8 for trend as a reward for correcting some mistaken adventures in the late 90s.  I think the logo is my favorite part (well, that and the orange), I'm not sure why, I just sort of like it.  You also have to remember that the Oilers were very fun to watch for a long time, even if they're a little very very bad now.  Plus, they're from Edmonton, which is fun.

Edmonton didn't finish 1st, because I have to be fair about all of this, but they're probably my favorite set of uniforms.  I really can't complain about anything, although I certainly wouldn't mind an orange alternate in Edmonton.  I can live without it though. 

4. Boston Bruins
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 42

The Bruins make me smile, and talk about classicyness!  The Bruins just look like a hockey team.  I'm not crazy about black and gold as a color scheme, but Boston uses it about as correctly as possible.  And those logos are just fantastic.  Who could argue with the spoked B?

As much as I love the spoked B, I had to take one point off for logo/mascot because, well, I don't think they have a lot of bears around Boston.  I live about two hours away.  The woods around my apartment building have deer, raccoons, skunks and possibly coyotes (I don't believe it, but people in my building swear they've seen coyotes)...no bears though.

I took the most points off color scheme and trend for some failed experiments in alternates, as well as some improper use of the color scheme.  Children, what have we learned about third jerseys when a team has three colors in its profile?  That's right, the third jersey should be the third color.  I'd prefer it if Boston would just skip the alternates altogether, they don't need them.  But if they insist on having one, it needs to be yellow.  Most egregious though, was Boston's ill-fated attempt at an alternate logo.  You know how I feel about that.

3. Detroit Red Wings
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 10
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 45

I have no idea what a Red Wing is, but the winged wheel logo is so perfect for Detroit that I literally don't care.  And Detroit was another almost 11 for classicyness.  The biggest change to the Red Wings' uniform in the last 80 years appears to have been centering the logo.  As far as I can tell, the Red Wings have never even attempted an alternate, and why would they?  That kind of loyalty earns you a 10 for trend. 

The two color scheme is the only thing keeping Detroit out of the top slot.  Well, that and the fact that I've never really liked watching the Red Wings that much.  I'm not sure why, but I think maybe they were just really bad for a while when I was a kid.  They got better, but my brain had already permanently filed them in the blah category by then.

2. Montreal Canadians
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 8
Trend: 9
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

Montreal actually tied for first, and you would think the tie would go to the Canadian team, but they're French Canadian so that doesn't really count.  Having said that, I love Montreal's uniforms.  The red, white and blue color scheme makes perfect sense for French Canada and the logo is super cool.  Like Detroit, Montreal hasn't even bothered with alternates and, again, why would they? 

Montreal lost some trend points for screwing around a little bit more than Detroit, but not that much more.  And the color scheme, while it does make perfect sense, is a little boring and not my favorite.  Still, a tie for first is nothing to be ashamed of. 

1. Chicago Blackhawks
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 9
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

I gave Chicago a pass on the whole "is the mascot insensitive?" question because I honestly don't think it is.  On a 1-10 scale of insensitivity, 1 being completely non-offensive and 10 being Washington Redskins (which, in my mind, is basically the same thing as calling a team the Washington Black People...or worse), I'd put Blackhawks at a tepid 1.5.  No warrior stereotypes, no ridiculous references to skin color, just Blackhawks and a happy looking mascot with some feathers in his hair.  You can be offended if you want, I'm not. 

But here's why Chicago wins.  I gave Detroit and Montreal big points for not screwing around with alternates since their regular uniforms are so great, so for Chicago to try an alternate is a real high wire act, and they pulled it off.  Chicago's alternates were either throwbacks (which I didn't love but are clearly acceptable) or a perfect copy of their regular uniforms, only in their third color.  That's all I've been asking for this whole time, and even though Chicago dumped those alternates and went back to just two jerseys, it was great while it lasted, and that's why Chicago wins.

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 2

Welcome back for part 2 of my three part NHL uniform manifesto.  Part one was the bottom third, so aside from a few bright spots, everything was pretty much terrible.  As we get into the second group, I won't need to spend as much time thinking of synonyms for the word atrocious, and we'll actually be looking at some decent jerseys before the end of part 2.  If you haven't read part 1, you'll want to go back and check it out for descriptions of the categories and also because that's a third of the whole thing and why would you skip it?

20. Philadelphia Flyers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

The Flyers are easily the biggest disappointment on the list.  Anyone who knows my feelings about uniforms, and colors in general, knows that I'm a sucker for orange.  And the Flyers have so much orange.  And yet, when I look at the Flyers' jerseys, I feel nothing but disappointment.  First of all, the orange on the home jerseys doesn't have a border, it just crashes recklessly into the white on the shoulders and sleeves and sucks all the goodness out of the orange.  The away jerseys are a little better, but the white jerseys from the 80's were even better-er.  And then there's the weird nameplates.  Why do you have to be special Philadelphia?? 

Nothing makes me angrier than squandering orange, and it's too bad, because there's a lot to like here.  The logo is cool, and I don't know what a flyer is, but it sounds fun.  Philadelphia also corrected the mistake of going completely away from orange jerseys for a while.  If I was writing this in 2001, this section would be filled with bad words.  You had orange jerseys and you voluntarily gave them away?  Are you monsters?  Still, a spot in the bottom half is so disappointing for the team that features more orange than anyone else.  It didn't have to be this way Philadelphia.

19. Buffalo Sabres
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 7
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

Kudos to the Sabres for going back to their really nice classic logo, and for going almost all the way back to their classic look.  But, once again, the lure of a darker blue has ruined an otherwise perfectly good uniform.  What is it about navy blue that teams like so much?  Can they not see how much worse it is than regular blue?  I can see it, and it makes me sad.

Buffalo gets effort points for attempting a yellow alternate this year, but they also lose plenty of points for the troubling execution of said alternates.  Those yellow alternates could be great, but in reality they are horrifying.  Everything is wrong.  The oddly thick white border between the yellow and the navy blue, the fact that the navy blue is still there, the fact that the front is yellow but the back is still blue.  They look like the kind of uniform I would have drawn and sent into a Sports Illustrated for Kids contest when I was six.  This is especially egregious since the previous alternates were actually pretty nice.  What a mess.

18. Minnesota Wild
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: -1
Total - 24

Look, you can name your team after anything.  Things, animals, weather phenomena.  I'll even accept random words that only mean something in your state (I don't know what a Hoosier is, but I'm positive people in Indiana do).  What I will not tolerate is a team name that is clearly an adjective.  Don't try to tell me that it's a noun referring to the wild of Minnesota.  The word for that is wilderness, and if you think Minnesota Wilderness is a stupid team name, then you should understand that Minnesota Wild is even stupider.  To be honest, -1 was generous.

This mess with the logo/mascot is a real shame because I like everything else Minnesota is doing.  The colors are nice (red and green, but not Christmasy) and the uniforms look pretty cool, especially for a newer team.  The alternates are a little dull, but I still kind of like them.  And it's just nice to have a team back in Minnesota.  So much to like, but if you name your team the Wild, 18th is about the best you can do.

17. Colorado Avalanche
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 25

Like Lightning, Avalanche is a fun team name and I imagine avalanches happen pretty frequently in Colorado.  And even if they don't, they do in my imagination and that's all that really matters.  The logo is halfway decent too.  I mean, it isn't great, but I'll take it.  I'll also take the alternate jersey, since it follows my simple philosophy that states "if you're going to have a third jersey, it should really be a third color".  Speaking of color, I don't love the burgundy, but I don't hate it either.

Colorado suffered in classicyness for stealing the Quebec team, and those Nordiques uniforms were pretty sweet, but Colorado should have a hockey team too, so they didn't get penalized as much as some of the other thieves on the list.  One bonus first impression point for being the jersey Ray Bourque finally won a Stanley Cup in.

16. Pittsburgh Penguins
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 25

Pittsburgh is a team on a slow downward trend.  They corrected the logo mistake they made in the early 90's, but the new, uglier gold they're using is a problem.  The old brighter yellow/gold really went toe to toe with the black.  This new gold just sort of hides behind it.  The Penguins also appear to have dumped those perfectly pleasant light blue alternates.  Boooo!

To be fair though, Pittsburgh's uniforms still have a lot of charm.  The penguin logo is really fun and even though the gold isn't as good as it used to be, black and gold is still a solid combination.  Plus, the Penguins have almost always been fun to watch, so that's nice.

15. Calgary Flames
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 25

I know what you're going to say.  Flames makes no sense for Calgary and I should be angrier about that.  You have to remember two things.  1) The visual of a giant flaming C over the coat of snow that I assume covers Calgary 365 days a year is fun and 2) shut up.  Calgary also gets a bonus first impression point for being a Canadian team that was stolen from an American city where hockey is pointless.  We've tried Atlanta twice now, that should really be enough.

I let the Flames off easy on trend because I'm generally a fan of adding a little black to uniforms, but this particular addition of black destroyed a work of art.  I loved the Flames' old uniforms.  Loved 'em.  I think it's the black logo on the home uniform that really gets me.  Where have you seen a black flame?  Where??  Nowhere, that's where.  Red and bright gold were such a good team for Calgary, why mess with greatness?  And then they brought back the old design as an alternate just to take it away again.  It's just depressing, let's move on.

14. San Jose Sharks
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 26

Sharks always make a good mascot, and apparently they have something to do with the San Jose area, so that's solid all the way around.  I don't love the teal, but kudos to the Sharks for trying something a little different.  And, again, when your third jersey is a third color, that's going to earn you some points.

I read on the internet that the Sharks changed their uniforms for this season to have less stuff on them because reducing the amount of stuff on the jerseys would make them lighter and improve the team's performance.  I have no idea if that's true, but if the story is true, you have to commend the Sharks for employing the most creative nonsense I've seen in any jersey history.  Kudos.

13. Dallas Stars
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 27

Stars for Dallas.  I don't love it, I don't hate it.  But why can't they be the Lone Stars?  Like all the other thieves, Dallas lost classicyness points for stealing a team from a better hockey city, but Minnesota has a new team now and while the old North Stars uniforms were terrific in their own way, they weren't my favorite. 

Big trend points for Dallas.  This franchise has had some real adventures in uniforms since moving from Minnesota, but I really think they have something with the new uniforms this year.  I like the green, and while it's a little simple for my taste, Texans are pretty simple, so it's a good fit.

12. Nashville Predators
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 27

If I'm going to penalize Pittsburgh for going from a nice bright gold to a dull and boring gold, then I have to reward the Predators for moving in the opposite direction.  Nashville's first attempt at yellow jerseys was really more of a mustard, yuck.  But a few years ago Nashville showed up with the brightest, most blinding jerseys in the league, and I'm a fan.  I don't even mind that Nashville's blue is sort of a navy blue, because you can't really see it anyway.

Logo/mascot was a struggle here.  I like Predators as a team name, I really do, but what is that on the logo?  Is that a saber-toothed tiger?  You know those are extinct, right?  I would also like to meet the person who thought "You know where we should put a hockey team?  Tennessee!" and the guy who responded to that thought with "Yes! You are so right about that!"

11. Los Angeles Kings
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 28

Sometime in the late 80's, the Kings went from Lakers colors (makes perfect sense, identify your new hockey team with the town's most successful franchise) to Raiders colors (umm, what?).  I don't mind silver and black, but the nomadic Raiders aren't even in LA anymore, and it's not like nobody saw that coming.  The Kings silver and black uniforms are perfectly adequate, but purple and gold is just fun, and everyone knows royalty wears purple.

Recently, the Kings have introduced a new alternate jersey that looks a lot like their old purple and gold deals, and I'm obviously a big fan.  This helped them a lot with what would have otherwise been a pretty weak trend score, and bumped classicyness up to average as well.  I should have deducted points for stealing Wayne Gretzky from Canada, but I didn't because I never really liked Gretzky that much so I care very little about this.

That's it for part 2.  Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion when we cover all three New York area teams (including the worst alternate uniforms in the history of uniforms, colors and vision) and we find out who's #1.

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 1

Those of you who read this blog sometimes, or even just read my Facebook status updates, are familiar with my fairly strong opinions regarding hockey uniforms.  Who can explain my obsession with hockey uniforms?  Certainly not me.  I don't know why I care so much.  Uniforms in other sports make almost no impression on me.  I barely even notice baseball uniforms.  Maybe it's how the colors look against the ice.  That's a theory.

Anyway, I decided to take this strange obsession and turn it into something useful.  Maybe useful isn't the right word.  Entertaining might be a little bit of a reach.  Interesting.  I think interesting is fair.  Here's how it works.  I ranked each team's set of uniforms on a 1-10 scale in five separate categories (which I've helpfully explained below).  I then ranked all 30 teams in order of the total scores, starting at the bottom because who starts at the top?  Not me, that's who. 

First Impression: This is the most comprehensive category.  This category is about my gut reaction when I turn on a hockey game and see a team's uniforms.  This covers general visual appeal, but also my own personal reaction.  Do a team's uniforms remind me of my childhood and simpler days?  Do a team's uniforms remind me of someone who makes me smile, or someone who makes me want to punch everybody?  Has a team been fun to watch over the years? All of these things will influence a team's score in this category.

Classicyness: That's not really a word, but you understand what I'm getting at.  Is a team's uniform classic?  If a team does have a classic uniform, how much or how little have they stupidly screwed around with it over the years?  If a franchise is newer, did they take the time to design a classic-looking uniform, or are they subjecting us to some new age looking disaster?

Color Scheme: This category not only includes the colors a team uses, but how they use them.  Just because you're using a lot of orange doesn't mean you're using it correctly, OK?  I'm looking at you Philadelphia.

Trend: This is probably the most simple category, but also possibly the most important.  In what direction is a team's look trending?  Do their current uniforms look better or worse than the last version?  Is the franchise learning, or just getting worse?  Also, how often are they changing?  Some teams just need to settle down.

Logo/Mascot: Most hockey jerseys feature the team's logo and/or mascot right in the middle of the jersey, so this is a very important piece of the puzzle.  Any team that doesn't feature a logo on the jersey will be dealt with on a case by case basis.  For example, the Rangers' jerseys don't really feature a logo, but that's because the Rangers' jerseys date back to the to 30s or 40s and they were too busy dealing with nazis and polio back then to worry about logos.  So even without a logo, the Rangers will get more points in this category than, say, the Minnesota Wild, who do a have a logo on their jerseys, but it's a stupid logo because wild is a fucking adjective.

Other things to keep in mind:
-Teams are responsible for all jerseys.  For example, the Islanders' two regular jerseys would rate a 10 in more than one category.  But the Islanders don't have just two jerseys, do they?
-It wouldn't be fair to punish any one team for wearing dark jerseys at home, since the NHL makes them all do it, but just be aware that the NHL as a whole gets minus 1,000,000,000 points for this.
-Ties were broken by the classicyness category because I said so.
-30 teams made this way too long, so I'm breaking it up into 3 parts for your sanity.
-I realize that it might be better if I put pictures of the uniforms with each team so you could see what I'm talking about.  Unfortunately, I'm not great at the internet and I'm not sure how to do that.  Plus, pictures would take up a lot of space and make this even longer.  Here's a website I suggest using as a reference http://www.nhluniforms.com/

OK here we go...this was pretty fun for me.

30. Florida Panthers
First Impression: 1
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 2
Total - 10

Obviously we have a lot of problems here.  Florida's primary colors are a combination of red and a strange dark blue that nobody should ever have to look at.  Meanwhile, they've got perfectly good gold in their color profile that they're barely using at all.  Also, the first impression is terrible because I know Florida shouldn't have a hockey team, and it certainly shouldn't have two.  I've decided to blame the Panthers more for this than the Lightning, who we'll get to soon enough.

Florida would have done a lot worse than an already pathetic 2 in the logo/mascot category if I hadn't used the internet to find out that there are actually panthers in Florida.  Unfortunately, it seems as though there are only about 200 of them, so it's sort of like the hockey franchise is taunting the poor endangered panthers.  That's better than a completely nonsensical mascot, but not much better.

29. Anaheim Ducks
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 0
Total - 13

These people named their team after a movie.  I don't really know what to say about that, but suffice to say 0 was generous in the logo/mascot category.  Narrative descriptions of the Ducks' color scheme over the years include words like eggplant and jade, but I went easy on them in this category because they appear to be trying to straighten it out a little.  That's also why they did moderately well in the trend category.

It's worth mentioning that Anaheim is a perfect example of a team that needs to settle down a little bit.  The number of different uniforms this franchise has blasted through in just 20 years is unconscionable, and most of the changes haven't even been for the better. 

28. Carolina Hurricanes
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: -2
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 14

I pounded Carolina in the classicyness category because they stole the Whalers from Hartford and murdered those wonderful Whalers uniforms in the process.  This could have been a lot worse, but the Whalers got a little off track with their uniforms in the five or so years before they left Connecticut, so I don't miss them as much as I should.

Too bad about the theft and murder, because I actually don't mind the Hurricanes' uniforms.  Red and black isn't the most creative color scheme ever, but it's perfectly acceptable and I like a good monochromatic home uniform as much as anybody.  Hurricanes is another team name that feels a little taunty to me, but I'll allow it for now.

27. Ottawa Senators
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 15

Ottawa's alternates cost them points all over the place.  For a while, the Senators had a perfectly acceptable black alternate that was actually better than their regular dark uniform.  Now Ottawa's alternates are some kind of stripey nightmare.  That costs you points for bad trend and improper use of color scheme.  Improper use of colors is a general problem with Ottawa, which is too bad because I like red and black as a color scheme, but the Senators just can't get it right, or even close.

You'd think I'd give Ottawa more points for logo/mascot, but you'd be wrong.  Yes, Senators makes sense for a capital city, but that logo is ugly and frightening, and also reminds you that, just like Florida, they have gold in their color profile that they refuse to use.

26. Phoenix Coyotes
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 0
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 18

I really enjoy the desert red that the Coyotes and Diamondbacks use.  Not too bright, not too dull, and the Coyotes use it generously.  Also, whenever I see the Coyotes on TV I'm immediately reminded of the awesome white outs they do during the playoffs (which made a hell of a lot more sense when the home team was wearing white). 

On the other hand, The Coyotes have a long history of atrocious alternate uniforms which have frequently included alternate logos.  Alternate logos are just ridiculous and should be immediately outlawed.  Also, Phoenix loses big points for the same reason Carolina did, stealing the Jets from Winnipeg and murdering the classic Jets uniforms everyone loved.  The only reason that score isn't lower than 0 is I don't know if the Coyotes wouldn't let the new Winnipeg franchise use the old uniforms or if the new Winnipeg franchise never asked.  If I find out they asked and Phoenix said no, this score goes to -100 and they lose forever.

25. Columbus Blue Jackets
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 1
Total - 18

Columbus was tough for me.  I give them credit for being a new team and taking the time to design some normal looking uniforms.  I also sort of like their new alternates, which are pretty nice, but if you're going to have a red, white and blue color scheme and your regular dark jersey is blue, shouldn't your alternate be red?  I mean, that just makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is A) having a team in Columbus in the first place and B) calling a team the Blue Jackets.  Apparently the Blue Jackets' name has something to do with the Civil War.  All that tells me is that there's nothing unique about Columbus (because every state that existed in 1860 has a Civil War history and you don't see them naming hockey teams after it) and that nothing interesting has happened in Columbus since 1865.  You can't just put a team between Cincinnati and Cleveland and expect people from both cities to instantly become fans of the team.  Does the NHL know how big Ohio is?  I once drove from Cleveland to Cincinnati.  It took like 5 hours and there's literally nothing between Columbus and Cincinnati.  This was a bad plan for an expansion team, is what I'm saying.

24. Vancouver Canucks
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 1
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 19

Vancouver should be ashamed of themselves for being the first not that new team on the list, especially since this is all about bad decisions.  I may be the only person who feels this way, but I really liked the late 80s/early 90s Canucks uniforms.  Black, red and yellow, used pretty well.  I was a fan.  Then all of a sudden they went back to their green and blue uniforms from when the team first started out.  I gave them fair classicyness points for that, but they lost major trend points for going backwards instead of forward into the colorful future.

And then there's the logo.  Apparently the whale has something to do with the Canucks' corporate overlords, but that's not my problem.  They aren't the Vancouver Whales.  I do like the hockey stick logo on the alternates, so they salvaged a few points for logo, but just a few, and I was being generous because they're Canadian.

23. Tampa Bay Lightning
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 20

Another relatively new team in uniforms that look like hockey uniforms, that's a good start.  I like the logo too.  It looks good on a jersey, and I don't know if they have a lot of lightning in Tampa, but I bet they probably do.  Either way, lightning is a cool team name. 

Unfortunately, Tampa's downward trending color scheme is a real problem.  Black, blue and white is boring to begin with, but replacing the old perfectly acceptable black uniforms with their current incredibly dull blue uniforms was a major mistake.  And don't even get me started on the alternates.  I just finished telling you how much I like your team name and now you're too lazy to write out the whole word on your alternate jerseys? 

22. Washington Capitals
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 22

Washington's trend score was a real battle for me.  On one hand, I love their relatively new throwback alternates, and the current regular uniforms are much better than the disasters the Capitals broke out in the late 90s.  Having said that, today's uniforms are still worse than Washington's classic uniforms, so the long term trend is unmistakably bad.  One extra point off for inexplicably using a darker blue than they used to, which will always cost you points with me.

I do like the color scheme, if only they would give up on the navy blue.  I also don't hate the logo as much as the logo score would suggest, but it just seems sort of lazy to me, and the font is strange too.  If they had just gone back to their regular old uniforms we wouldn't be having any of these problems.  Washington's uniforms aren't terrible, but they could be so much better and that's why they're in the bottom third.

21. Winnipeg Jets
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 23

Speaking of lazy logos, Winnipeg's jerseys feature a jet flying over a maple leaf.  A little on the nose, don't you think?  The logo looks nice on the jersey though, so it's not so bad.  And the jerseys are pretty solid for a new team.  If I knew for sure why they weren't just using the classic Jets jerseys, and if I knew it was definitely Phoenix's fault, Winnipeg would get more points for classicyness.  But I don't know those things and if I had to guess I'd say it's more likely Winnipeg never asked Phoenix because they thought they had a better idea.  They thought wrong.

First impression is obviously above average because seeing a team back in Winnipeg is fantastic.  I'm not a fan of the color scheme though.  Two different shades of blue?  Come on, Canada.  You can do better than that. 

That's it for part 1.  Stayed tuned for part 2, which will include important topics like improper use of my favorite color, my feelings about Wayne Gretzky and more complaining about darker shades of blue. 

Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Boston Convert

As I'm writing this I'm getting ready for game 2 of the Rangers/Bruins series.  First of all, if you aren't watching the hockey playoffs, honestly, what's wrong with you?  Whatever you're doing instead just isn't nearly as important.

Anyway, as I've tried to figure out who I'm rooting for in this series, I've come to a shocking revelation about myself.  I think I'm becoming a Boston sports fan.  True story.  It seems ridiculous to just switch all rooting interests to a whole new town, but let's go through it one by one.

The Celtics are the easiest one.  I've always been a Celtics fan, except for that brief period in the 90's when there were only two basketball fan identities (Bulls fan or Bulls hater) and I was a Bulls fan.  My parents were never that into sports (except for my mom and the Rangers, and we'll get to them in a minute), so I inherited a lot of my rooting interests from my grandmother.  Because the Celtics are implicitly Irish, we rooted for Boston.

Sidenote: In hindsight, there also might be something to the fact that, in the 80's, the Celtics pretty much cornered the market on white basketball players.  Really...Bird, McHale, Ainge, Walton.  It's like a who's who of useful or better NBA white guys.  I don't know, I didn't really give that a lot of thought when I was 7.

In terms of hockey, I grew up an Islanders fan.  My grandparents live like 10 minutes from the Nassau Coliseum, and back when I was like 0-3 years old, the Isles were winning four straight Stanley Cups.  So that's a pretty formative experience.  A few years ago I disowned the Islanders because of their many many uniform transgressions.  Since then, I assume in response to my outrage, they went back to the classic uniform scheme and I've been back on board.  But, they're moving to Brooklyn soon.

I'm sorry, I'm not rooting for a hockey team from Brooklyn.  Especially after they change their name to the Hipsters or the Skinny Jeans or whatever and incorporate irony into their new uniforms.  No thank you.  Plus, I'm from Queens, I don't want to root for Brooklyn anyway.

And the Rangers and Devils?  Come on.  Listen, the Rangers suck.  And the Devils, they're even worse.  I had a girlfriend in college who loved the Devils, and even when someone I loved loved the Devils, I still fucking hated them.  They are perpetually unwatchable.  The uniforms are awful, and even though they don't play like they did in the 90's anymore, I can't watch them without seeing that awful neutral zone trap.  Boooooo!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Bruins have great uniforms, aren't from Brooklyn and aren't planning to randomly move to some other part of Boston just for fun.  I like the Bruins and I'm not having a hard time seeing myself getting on board with being a fan.  I mean, just look at Zdeno Chara.  He's like an angry giant on skates. Who doesn't want to root for an angry giant?  Also, they have a goalie named Tuukka.  Tuukka!  Come on, he has an extra K.  Everyone knows K is the best letter.  At least it is in Finland, or Sweden, or Denmark or wherever the fuck Tuukka is from.

Football is pretty easy too.  I've always kind of hated the New York football teams, and I haven't really kept that a secret.  In my football watching life I've bounced around from the Houston Oilers (until they moved) to the Tampa Bay Bucs (until they got new uniforms) to just being a fan of the NFL Redzone network (because it's seriously fucking awesome).  I can settle in with the Patriots.  I already have a Patriots jersey (although it hasn't been worn since September, and even then not by me, and the story of how I became the owner of a Patriots jersey is interesting, somewhat embarrassing, has very little to do with being a Patriots fan, and I'm not quite ready to tell it yet).

Oh, and did I mention the New York football teams are actually from New Jersey?  Yeah, that's a real thing.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why people have favorite football teams anymore.  It's like having a favorite character on a sit-com.  It's just a TV show.  When I watch How I Met Your Mother, I don't root for Marshall, I just enjoy the show.  I feel like having a strong rooting interest might ruin football for me, but I've never had one before, so I'm open to trying it.

But then there's the Yankees.  I grew up a Yankee fan.  I've always been a Yankee fan.  The '96 World Series was awesome.  And so were the other three they won when I was in college.  But the last one, honestly, the thrill just wasn't there anymore.  I've said this before.  Being a Yankee fan is exhausting.  Yankee fans only have two emotions, terrible disappointment when the Yankees don't win the World Series, and what could best be described as relief when they do.  To be honest, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Yankee game.  In some ways, my Yankee fandom has become like a bad relationship that I'm just too much of a wimp to get out of.

Speaking of bad relationships, I can't really imagine what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.  I'm not 100% sure it would really be more fun, but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't be less fun.  Typical relationship dilemma.  Stay with something familiar, or go try something new that isn't necessarily any better and just leaves you feeling like an idiot.  As you can probably tell from the fact that I'm going to die alone, I'm not very good at this.

Some other valid reasons to switch to Boston fandom:

- I live in Massachusetts now, so there are always Boston teams on my TV.  I mean, I could just watch and root against them.  That's essentially what I did with the Red Sox my first year here, but, to be honest, that wasn't a lot of fun.

- Boston girls are almost exclusively awesome.  New York girls are, frankly, kind of a mixed bag.  Don't make that face at me!  You know I'm right.  You've seen Sex and the City.  So if you're in a bar with half Boston girls and half New York girls, which side of the bar would you rather have a common rooting interest with?  Yeah, me too.  I've also found that Boston girls are significantly more likely to be into sports, so there's a better chance of them being in the bar to begin with.

- Aerosmith is from Boston.  And so are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.  Who's from New York?  LL Cool J and The Ramones?  Similar question.  If you got invited to watch a game and hang out with famous music people, who would you pick?  Dicky Barrett and Steven Tyler or LL Cool J and whichever Ramone is still alive?  Again, yeah, me too.

Look, to be honest, I'm not sure if I can go through with the full conversion.  I'm still stuck on the Red Sox thing.  That's not an easy switch.  But I've already decided that I'm not buying the MLB extra innings package this season, the Yankees just aren't worth $40 a month to me anymore.  So I suppose I'll watch a summer of Sox baseball and see how I feel in September.  I'll keep you posted.

Cooperstown

Of the four major sports, baseball is the one most rooted and invested in its own history.  Yes, there are still four major sports, three makes no sense.  We just have to pick a new fourth with hockey off the map now.  I don't know what it is though.  MMA?  English soccer? Real world/road rules challenges?  I'm willing to try anything other than American soccer, minor league anything or tennis, but I honestly don't know what to choose. Anyway...

Baseball needs its history more than any other sport.  Without 120 years of history to bullshit about, how would anyone sit through an entire baseball game?  That's why baseball protects and highlights its history so much.  That's why, if a real sense of history is what you're looking for, the baseball Hall of Fame beats all the others hands down.  Sure, the hockey Hall of Fame is great...and in Canada!  But for history, you want Cooperstown over Toronto.  Trust me.

This is why the baseball Hall of Fame selection process takes on more importance than the process does in other sports.  The football Hall of Fame process is just silly nonsense, and the basketball Hall of Fame may or may not actually exist, but nobody cares either way.  The hockey Hall of Fame is fun, but I can't say I care that much about who's in there.  Baseball's different though.  Even as my interest in watching the sport slowly fades away, I still care about who goes in the Hall.

This year is a big year for Cooperstown.  Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa are all on the ballot for the first time.  If we had never heard the word steroids, they'd all be first-ballot hall-of-famers.  But oh, have we heard the word steroids.  Constantly.  For like 10 years now.  I stopped being interested about 9 years and 11 months ago, but still we hear it.  Mark McGwire has been on the ballot for years now, and he's still not in.  It doesn't look like he's ever getting in, and I'm OK with that.  All he did was hit homeruns and be annoying.  If there's one thing that's perfectly fair to say about steroids era players, it's that 500 homeruns doesn't get you into the Hall anymore. 

I'm also OK with Sammy Sosa not getting in, for the same reason, and because he was almost as annoying as McGwire.  I'm perfectly comfortable walking into the Hall one day and not seeing any trace of McGwire and Sosa.  In fact, I'd prefer it. 

I'm sort of on the fence about Roger Clemens.  If you assume that Clemens started with the steroids when he got to Toronto, and I think that's a pretty fair assumption, I think he winds up being a close call.  If you just look at Clemens' career between 1984 and 1996, he accumulated 192 wins, 3 Cy Young awards and one MVP as a pitcher.  Without the steroids, he probably pitches until about 2001, gets somewhere in the 250 wins range and probably still signs with the Yankees at some point and gets his ring. 

That Roger Clemens is still a close call, right?  In 20 years, 250 wins will be the new 300 wins.  We'll look at 300 wins the same way we look at hitting .400.  Not totally impossible, but really really improbable.  Plus Clemens is the second best right-handed pitcher since Walter Johnson retired (clearly behind Greg Maddox and waaay ahead of the insanely overrated Nolan Ryan). 

On the other hand, Clemens clearly cheated and also seems like kind of a dick.  I feel the same way about Clemens as I do about Pete Rose.  Objectively, it seems like a glaring omission from baseball's Hall of Fame.  Subjectively, I sort of don't care.  If you were asking me as some sort of responsible baseball historian, I'd say you have to put him in.  If you're asking me as a fan, I'd say I won't miss him when I visit.

Then there's Barry Bonds.  Let says Bonds' first steroids aided year was 2000, which I think makes the most sense.  That was the height of the Sosa/McGwire circus and Bonds was coming off a year during which he missed about 60 games due to injury.  I've always fully believed the story that Bonds didn't start cheating until he saw the press and recognition the cheaters were getting and decided to get in on that action, so 2000 makes the most sense to me.

So, if you just look at Bonds from 1986 to 1999, here's what you get.  445 homeruns, 460 stolen bases, 3 MVPs (and four more top five finishes), 8 gold gloves and being single-handedly responsible for people actually caring about baseball in Pittsburgh for a few years.  There's five 30/30 seasons in there and one 40/40 season.  Bonds' speed and power combination so far surpassed anyone before him that, not only is he the only member of the 500/500 club, but he's the only member of the 400/400 club, something which he accomplished prior to 2000.  No one else has ever done that.  Not Mays, not Mantle, not Frank Robinson or Hank Aaron, not Griffey Jr. or anyone else from Bonds' own era, not even the cheaters. 

I know Bonds wasn't a great guy, and most of the hate that comes in his direction is his own fault.  I know he cheated and I know that the baseball Hall of Fame voters are some of the most sanctimonious people you'll ever find.  I also know Bonds never won a ring. 

But here are some other things I know.  I know baseball hasn't been relevant in Pittsburgh since Bonds left, and I know when he did leave, he rejuvenated baseball in San Francisco.  I know Bonds made Bobby Bonilla and Jeff Kent all-stars, and Mets fans can tell you that both of those guys sucked without him.  I really do believe that Bonds would have stayed clean if baseball had done its job when McGwire and Sosa suddenly turned into twin incredible hulks.  I think his career would have turned out a lot like Ken Griffey Jr.'s.  Maybe not quite as statistically eye-popping, but still amazing and clearly Hall worthy. 

Next time I go to Cooperstown, and I will be back someday, I need Barry Bonds to be there.  You can give him an asterisk or put up a weird sign about steroids if you want, but he needs to be in there somewhere.  The baseball Hall of Fame can go on without these other guys, but without Barry Bonds, it's just incomplete.

Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

Tips For New Hockey Fans

I'm happy to say that hockey has finally returned to my TV. My jobs have always required me to live on college campuses and take whatever cable package the students get, but not anymore! Now I have a new job, my own apartment and the NHL center ice package. I'm psyched, and I want other people to be psyched too. I probably know a lot of people who aren't hockey fans, and you're missing a great deal of awesome. So, here are some helpful tips, so you can get into this under-appreciated sport and enjoy the awesome awesomeness.

1) Pick A Team
This may sound difficult, but it can actually be pretty easy. Turn on your television machine and flip around a bit tonight. Do you see some hockey? If you do, your city/state probably already has a hockey team. Bam! Done.

If your city or state doesn't have a ready-made team you can root for, or if your city/state's hockey team suffers from an incurable case of suckitis, it gets a little tougher. Last year, I picked a team for myself in response to the many unforgivable sins of the New York Islanders, feel free to consult that blog entry for a method.

2) Learn About Canada
A lot of hockey players are from Canada. Also, hockey is the national sport up there, and they're not screwing around. I got to see opening night in Toronto on center ice and holy crap! Opening night of the NHL season is like 10 superbowls up there. You can't watch a lot of hockey if you don't understand Canada.

For example, did you know Canada has universal health care? That's right, if you get sick in Canada, you go to a hospital and, free of charge, a moose kicks you until whatever you were complaining about doesn't hurt anymore. Also, in Canada, it snows 378 days a year. "gee Sean, those things don't sound true." Really? Which one of us is the hockey fan here? I rest my case.

3) Learn The Rules
Now that you have a team and you know enough about Canada to keep up, you can start watching some games. This is when it becomes important to know the many rules involved with hockey. A lot of them are pretty much in line with other sports you already know, or pretty intuitive. You can't trip people, you can't hit somebody in the head from behind when he's not looking, you can't use your stick to slash another guy's legs.

Some of the other rules might catch you off guard if you aren't prepared. For example, in most sports, if you were to, say, go up to another player and punch him in the face, you'd be thrown out of the game and probably fined. In hockey, you go sit quietly for five minutes ("and you feel shame") and then all is forgiven.

4) Learn To Love The World
As a good American, you probably hate most of the rest of the world, especially Europe and Russia. As a hockey fan, you'll have to get over it. The NHL has Europeans and Russians all over the place. The team you pick will most likely have at least a few of both. I know the rest of the world is a bunch of stupid smarty-pants jerks who we should never listen to, but when it comes to hockey, we need to learn to deal with each other.

5) Learn The History
As the season winds down, you'll hear hockey people starting to talk about trophies. The MVP of the league gets the Hart trophy, obviously named after pro wrestler and Canadian national treasure Bret "the Hitman" Hart. Hockey has a lot of trophies like that, presumably all named after Canadian pro wrestlers, and you'll feel better once you know who they are.

6) Clear Your Schedule
If you read my blog often, you've already heard me mention the hockey playoffs. I can't even think of a word to describe the hockey playoffs, and I love words, look how many I'm using right now. The point is, from mid-April through late June, clear your TV calendar, because the playoffs are on. And if I catch you watching American Idol or Grey's Anatomy instead of the Western Conference semi-finals, you'd better start running.

I Know

I know I need more hockey in my life.
I know I could train a chimp to do the job of a baseball manager.
I know my chimp-managed team would win at least 90% of the games it would have won with a regular human manager.
I know some team should try that soon.
I know the Raiders releasing Jamarcus Russell doesn't really qualify as news.
I know Joe McKnight in the 4th round was the steal of the NFL draft.
I know Santonio Holmes has elite talent.
I know Ladainian Tomlinson can still find the end zone, even though
I know he can't get there as quickly as he used to.
I know the Jets replaced the awful work of Lito Sheppard with a really good trade and a first round draft pick.
I know the Jets look just good enough to totally crush their fans next season.
I know "los Suns" is not how you say "the Suns" in Spanish.
I know if we really wanted to keep illegal immigrants from Mexico out of the country, we'd stop lining the boarder with our stupidest states.
I know the Jazz can't beat the Lakers, but
I know the Spurs can.
I know there's is a 0% chance of me seeing Sex and the City 2, and
I know there are some undeniable benefits of being single.
I know you get tazzzzzed if you run onto the field in Philadelphia.
I know Philly fans have been collectively asking for it since about 1968.
I know I should actually say tasered, but the z's add some onomatopoetic value.
I know if you don't want to be tasered, you should just stay in your seat and not be a douchebag.
I know anyone who thinks that cop did something wrong should be tasered.
I know the Baltimore Orioles should try tasering some of their players, it couldn't hurt.
I know pimpin' ain't easy, but
I know it's necessary.
I know I still don't care about the world cup, and
I know ESPN can't make me.
I know Ubaldo Jimenez is leading the National League in ERA.
I know it's not a fluke.
I know the Hartford Whalers should move back to Hartford.
I know people here in Connecticut think college sports are real sports, and
I know they also think all the pizza here doesn't taste like crap.
I know the Red Sox will get a lot better, and
I know they'll probably still finish third.
I know Lebron James has an elbow booboo, because he is apparently also the king of passive-aggressive whining.
I know the chances of Lebron playing for the Knicks next season are roughly equivalent to the chances of me playing for the Knicks next season.
I know Steve Nash is almost as overrated as John Stockton was. You heard me.
I know I'd take Allen Iverson over either one of those guys.
I know Floyd Mayweather Jr. is an even better fighter than you think he is.
I know once you grow up, Cinco de Mayo is just another crappy day.
I know the same can be said for Thursday nights.
I know Dwight Howard should spend less time bitching about the refs and more time practicing free throws.
I know the refs wouldn't foul Lebron James out of a playoff game if he carried a baseball bat onto the court with him and committed six aggravated assaults.
I know Lebron hasn't accomplished anything that should make him more special than Dwight.
I know NASCAR is far more watchable than it has a right to be.
I know hockey needs to get back on ESPN, like right now. Seriously, I just went down the list in my head of sports, pseudo-sports, games or anything else that might be considered a sport-like competition. I was trying to find the next most popular thing, after hockey, that I never see happening on ESPN. You know how far I got? Chess! Come on!
I know the Red Wings can come all the way back against San Jose.
I know they probably won't.
I know we need more Canadian hockey teams.
I know everyone should be watching ESPN's 30 for 30 series.
I know you can't win a championship if Dirk Nowitzki is your best player.
I know Barry Zito is 5-0 with a 1.49 ERA.
I know I would have bet everything I have against ever typing that last sentence.
I know horse racing is stupid.
I know Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
I know I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfightin' snakes on this monday-to-friday plane.
I know we're 27 games in and I still can't look at Nick Johnson's mustache without laughing.
I know David Ortiz is done.
I know I thought that this time last year too.
I know the Orlando Magic haven't lost a playoff game yet.
I know cheerleaders would work for baseball.
I know satan wasn't really sent to hell by god, he's just hiding there from Chuck Norris.
I know the Knicks are still an embarrassment, and
I know Isaiah Thomas should never be allowed back into New York City under any circumstances.
I know being a Yankee fan means I'm supposed to love Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and
I know I just can't do it.
I know nothing about cricket.
I know Jimmy Clausen was the best QB in the draft.
I know hockey needs more fighting and less warm weather.
I know I need less warm weather too.
I know Mike Tyson doesn't get enough credit for how good he was in his prime.
I know Larry Holmes doesn't either.
I know MTV invented reality television as we know it.
I know MTV should be punished somehow for that, no fine would be too big.
I know Herm Edwards would make a good college coach.
I know it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
I know teams shouldn't be allowed to change their jerseys/logos without some kind of fan approval process.
I know Stephen Strasburg is the real deal.
I know the Nationals will find a way to screw it up.
I know I still like the Blackhawks to win the cup.
I know this turned out better than I thought it would.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.

U.S...Eh?

I've done this with football and baseball already, I wonder if this would work with hockey. Let's find out. Also, there's a NASCAR race going on one channel over, so maybe we'll check in on that from time to time.

The highlight of the pre-game show was a quick interview with Canadian Prime Minister Don Cherry (I may be a little off on his job title, whatever). They had him in some sort of dimly lit room, I think so his outfit didn't blind anyone. The lowlight? A miracle on ice highlight package. Maybe it's because I'm not old enough to remember it, but I couldn't be more tired of hearing about that. Yes, I get it, we beat the Russians. Good for us. Another great triumph over a nation that could barely feed itself. Hooray.

The venue for most of the hockey has been Canada Hockey Place. Isn't that sort of like saying "the part of America where people are fat". Is anywhere in Canada not a hockey place? No matter how this game ends, I don't see a lot of people in Canada going to work tomorrow, I guess is what I'm saying.

The teams are just sort of feeling each other out for the first chunk of the first period. I think this is why hockey has trouble getting new fans. If you've never seen a hockey game before, it's hard not to get bored with these long periods of skating back a forth with nothing really notable happening. If I had to pick a key player for the U.S., I think it'd be Phil Kessel. I really like Kessel, he's fast, a playmaker. I think a U.S. win involves a goal or a least a big play from Kessel.

I feel like, if I ever date a Canadian girl, I'll never be able to break up with her. I would enjoy a Canadian accent in my life so much, I don't think there would be anything she could do to get rid of me.

I do not like the U.S. uniforms, at all. The blue is too dark, and the white helmets are ridiculous. And there's hardly any red at all. What's up with that? If they gave out medals for uniforms, the U.S. would definitely not win.

Ryan Callahan and Chris Drury are playing on the same line for the U.S. Rangers fans can tell you that line won't be scoring any goals. That reminds me, I don't know if I can go back to watching Rangers and Devils games after this. I may need a quick buffer period before I go back to the NHL.

1-0 Canada! There's absolutely no noticeable run up to most hockey goals. Things are just sort of gliding along and then BAM!, there's a goal. Scored by Jonathan Toews (pronounced Tays, um, OK). Shortly after, the U.S. took a penalty on a tripping call I didn't love. Power play! Power plays are the best. This particular Canadian power play was uneventful, good kill by the U.S.

So the first period ends 1-0 Canada. Not the most eventful period. The U.S. doesn't really look aggressive enough. Last Sunday they were all over the Canadians with the forecheck. Today? Not so much. Sounds like Milbury agrees with me, based on his long involvement with the Islanders, I'm not sure I should feel good about that. Also, they just mentioned that, during the pre-game, Roenick said this was maybe the most important hockey game ever. Calm down, big guy.

Quick NASCAR look-in. Hmmm, the cars seem to just be going around in a big circle. Must be warm-ups or something. I did learn that today's race is in Las Vegas. So, Vegas is full of rednecks this weekend. I feel like "NASCAR weekend in Vegas" is a good reality show we're missing out on. Still going around in circles. We'll check back later.

By the way, wouldn't zamboni races be an awesome winter Olympic event? They could have timed races, like speed skating, and some head-to-head events. People would love this, it would be at least as popular as curling. You know I'm right about this. Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that? I don't believe you.

Nice stop by Miller on Iginla after a turnover. The second period is looking a lot like the first period so far. By the way, if any of the other teams were in this game instead of the U.S. and Canada, the names would prevent me from even trying to do this. I don't think I could spell Ovechkin correctly if you gave me six chances.

Another Canadian power play. That one looked better than the last one, but no goal. The U.S. blocks a ton of shots. That must hurt so much. I'm honestly not sure I could do that. Anyway, good kill by the U.S. and they get their own power play immediately after.

The U.S. power play was a bit of a mess, and shortly after, BAM! 2-0 Canada. That happens so often in hockey, successful penalty kill followed by a goal. U.S. goalie Ryan Miller has the "hey, what happened to all those goals we were scoring" face going. This isn't looking great for the U.S. right now, they're starting to put the Molson on ice. But, the U.S. just got another power play. This one's pretty important, I feel like they need a goal here.

That power play was awful, at least until the last 30 seconds. It's also getting a little chippy out there. Too bad there's no fighting in the Olympics. In the NHL, this would be a perfect time for the Americans to pick a fight and try to get some energy going.

They're not doing any commercials during the game, good job by NBC. Two funny things. First, this turns the intermissions into commercial torture chambers. Second, the players still seem to be taking commercial breaks. Right now we just got a random 90 second stoppage in play for no particular reason.

And then....BAM! 2-1 Canada. Nice deflection by Kesler on a Kane wrist shot. Other than Miller, I think Patrick Kane has easily been the best American player in this tournament. The announcers just pointed out that the U.S. scoring play was offside. Can someone pour them a nice glass of shut the hell up?

The Americans just missed tying the game by maybe six inches, maybe less. Then Canada missed a 3-1 lead by no more than 3 inches. It's really hard to do hockey justice in words. The action just builds slowly, every minute is just a little more exciting than the last one. As we end the second period, it's 2-1 Canada. I use the word awesome a lot (I think it's because I grew up near the beach), but awesome doesn't begin describe what's about to happen.

Another quick NASCAR check. Circles...circles...circles. OK, enough. I kid because I care, I actually don't mind NASCAR. It's sad that NASCAR eventually has to be a casualty of us running out of oil. Those cars get like one mile per gallon. I wonder if they'll try it with electric cars or bicycles for a year before they give up.

The Americans forgot to bring the momentum they had with them at the end of the second period with them for the third. Canada was sort of in charge of the first five minutes, and then another commercialess commercial break. Sidney Crosby's making me a little nervous right now. He hasn't done anything great yet, he rarely gets through a game without doing something amazing.

Great stop by Miller on Heatley at about the ten minute mark. I really thought Canada had one there. Canada is still in charge and the Americans are running out of time. I think I'd start double shifting the Kane line, they've been great all tournament. The crowd is starting to buzz a little more. I'd honestly feel sorry for Canada if the U.S. pulls this one out.

Nice shift by the Kessel line, I'm still keeping an eye on him. Under six minutes, still no big pushes from the Americans. Under five minutes now, and another commercial free commercial break. Could this game end 2-1? I didn't think so ten minutes ago, now I'm starting to wonder.

OH MAN! Breakaway by Crosby, great pursuit by Kane and Crosby really didn't get a shot. How close was that? Hockey is just the shit. This is better than 10 superbowls and 30 NBA finals.

OK, about a minute and a half to go and Miller just went to the bench for one of the best phrases in all of sports, the extra attacker. Looks like the U.S. is finishing with the Kane line plus Parise and OHHHHHHHHH! 2-2! Parise banged one in off a rebound and, holy crap, we're getting gold medal game overtime. Every other channel on the TV should stop whatever it's doing and let people watch this. Roenick summed it up best; "someone is about to be a national hero". Roenick is super pumped right now, he may need a sedative.

So, umm, I'm gonna go watch some hockey now. I'll be back to tell you how it ends.

What did I say about Crosby? Gold medal winning goal, right in the middle of overtime. Man, tough break for the Americans, but a silver beats expectations for them and they don't have anything to feel bad about, Canada just had a little more talent. I can't wait to see the medal ceremony, this Canadian crowd is in full riot mode. Also, this was, absolutely, the best thing that's ever happened on my TV.