Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Boston Convert

As I'm writing this I'm getting ready for game 2 of the Rangers/Bruins series.  First of all, if you aren't watching the hockey playoffs, honestly, what's wrong with you?  Whatever you're doing instead just isn't nearly as important.

Anyway, as I've tried to figure out who I'm rooting for in this series, I've come to a shocking revelation about myself.  I think I'm becoming a Boston sports fan.  True story.  It seems ridiculous to just switch all rooting interests to a whole new town, but let's go through it one by one.

The Celtics are the easiest one.  I've always been a Celtics fan, except for that brief period in the 90's when there were only two basketball fan identities (Bulls fan or Bulls hater) and I was a Bulls fan.  My parents were never that into sports (except for my mom and the Rangers, and we'll get to them in a minute), so I inherited a lot of my rooting interests from my grandmother.  Because the Celtics are implicitly Irish, we rooted for Boston.

Sidenote: In hindsight, there also might be something to the fact that, in the 80's, the Celtics pretty much cornered the market on white basketball players.  Really...Bird, McHale, Ainge, Walton.  It's like a who's who of useful or better NBA white guys.  I don't know, I didn't really give that a lot of thought when I was 7.

In terms of hockey, I grew up an Islanders fan.  My grandparents live like 10 minutes from the Nassau Coliseum, and back when I was like 0-3 years old, the Isles were winning four straight Stanley Cups.  So that's a pretty formative experience.  A few years ago I disowned the Islanders because of their many many uniform transgressions.  Since then, I assume in response to my outrage, they went back to the classic uniform scheme and I've been back on board.  But, they're moving to Brooklyn soon.

I'm sorry, I'm not rooting for a hockey team from Brooklyn.  Especially after they change their name to the Hipsters or the Skinny Jeans or whatever and incorporate irony into their new uniforms.  No thank you.  Plus, I'm from Queens, I don't want to root for Brooklyn anyway.

And the Rangers and Devils?  Come on.  Listen, the Rangers suck.  And the Devils, they're even worse.  I had a girlfriend in college who loved the Devils, and even when someone I loved loved the Devils, I still fucking hated them.  They are perpetually unwatchable.  The uniforms are awful, and even though they don't play like they did in the 90's anymore, I can't watch them without seeing that awful neutral zone trap.  Boooooo!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Bruins have great uniforms, aren't from Brooklyn and aren't planning to randomly move to some other part of Boston just for fun.  I like the Bruins and I'm not having a hard time seeing myself getting on board with being a fan.  I mean, just look at Zdeno Chara.  He's like an angry giant on skates. Who doesn't want to root for an angry giant?  Also, they have a goalie named Tuukka.  Tuukka!  Come on, he has an extra K.  Everyone knows K is the best letter.  At least it is in Finland, or Sweden, or Denmark or wherever the fuck Tuukka is from.

Football is pretty easy too.  I've always kind of hated the New York football teams, and I haven't really kept that a secret.  In my football watching life I've bounced around from the Houston Oilers (until they moved) to the Tampa Bay Bucs (until they got new uniforms) to just being a fan of the NFL Redzone network (because it's seriously fucking awesome).  I can settle in with the Patriots.  I already have a Patriots jersey (although it hasn't been worn since September, and even then not by me, and the story of how I became the owner of a Patriots jersey is interesting, somewhat embarrassing, has very little to do with being a Patriots fan, and I'm not quite ready to tell it yet).

Oh, and did I mention the New York football teams are actually from New Jersey?  Yeah, that's a real thing.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why people have favorite football teams anymore.  It's like having a favorite character on a sit-com.  It's just a TV show.  When I watch How I Met Your Mother, I don't root for Marshall, I just enjoy the show.  I feel like having a strong rooting interest might ruin football for me, but I've never had one before, so I'm open to trying it.

But then there's the Yankees.  I grew up a Yankee fan.  I've always been a Yankee fan.  The '96 World Series was awesome.  And so were the other three they won when I was in college.  But the last one, honestly, the thrill just wasn't there anymore.  I've said this before.  Being a Yankee fan is exhausting.  Yankee fans only have two emotions, terrible disappointment when the Yankees don't win the World Series, and what could best be described as relief when they do.  To be honest, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Yankee game.  In some ways, my Yankee fandom has become like a bad relationship that I'm just too much of a wimp to get out of.

Speaking of bad relationships, I can't really imagine what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.  I'm not 100% sure it would really be more fun, but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't be less fun.  Typical relationship dilemma.  Stay with something familiar, or go try something new that isn't necessarily any better and just leaves you feeling like an idiot.  As you can probably tell from the fact that I'm going to die alone, I'm not very good at this.

Some other valid reasons to switch to Boston fandom:

- I live in Massachusetts now, so there are always Boston teams on my TV.  I mean, I could just watch and root against them.  That's essentially what I did with the Red Sox my first year here, but, to be honest, that wasn't a lot of fun.

- Boston girls are almost exclusively awesome.  New York girls are, frankly, kind of a mixed bag.  Don't make that face at me!  You know I'm right.  You've seen Sex and the City.  So if you're in a bar with half Boston girls and half New York girls, which side of the bar would you rather have a common rooting interest with?  Yeah, me too.  I've also found that Boston girls are significantly more likely to be into sports, so there's a better chance of them being in the bar to begin with.

- Aerosmith is from Boston.  And so are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.  Who's from New York?  LL Cool J and The Ramones?  Similar question.  If you got invited to watch a game and hang out with famous music people, who would you pick?  Dicky Barrett and Steven Tyler or LL Cool J and whichever Ramone is still alive?  Again, yeah, me too.

Look, to be honest, I'm not sure if I can go through with the full conversion.  I'm still stuck on the Red Sox thing.  That's not an easy switch.  But I've already decided that I'm not buying the MLB extra innings package this season, the Yankees just aren't worth $40 a month to me anymore.  So I suppose I'll watch a summer of Sox baseball and see how I feel in September.  I'll keep you posted.

Say Hello To The Bad Guy

I don't watch a whole lot of regular season basketball, and I'm not usually a fan of over-hyped sporting events in general. Last night's Lebronageddon in Cleveland fell into both of those categories, but I knew I had to watch some of it anyway. It was just too damn interesting. How, exactly, would the fans react? Booing? Derisive chants? Would some idiot or group of idiots go too far? I needed to see it.

If it were me, if I were controlling the crowd in Cleveland last night, here's what would have happened. Loud booing all through warm-ups whenever Lebron touched a ball. Then, right when he's introduced, everybody stands and turns their backs to the court. They're wearing t-shirts that say something short but effective on the back, like "Thanks for nothing", or "Cleveland: Still title free since '64", or "How are your mom and Delonte West doing?". They remain standing, backs to the court, for the entire game.

I watched the introductions and the first couple of minutes. The Cleveland fans didn't do it my way, but they did a decent job. Lots of loud booing, at least one clear "ass-hole" chant, good all-around energy. But then, it was just another basketball game, and I got distracted.

First, it was NBC's Thursday night comedies. 30 Rock is killing it lately. 30 Rock is young Mike Tyson to every other TV comedy's Michael Spinks. Also drawing my attention, my number one fantasy football wide out was kicking off in Philadelphia around 8:30. All I have to say about that is, EFF YOU MATT SCHAUB! YOU SUCK!!!

Anyway, I got distracted from the game in Cleveland for a good long time. I went back once around 9, but they were in a commercial. Next time I went back, it was the 3rd quarter and Miami was up by like 49, or 40 million, I can't remember. I immediately thought it was the saddest non-playoff sports crushing I could remember. Especially since the Cavs didn't seem to care that much, it was just the fans that were getting crushed, and they couldn't do anything about it.

Imagine you're dating a girl for like 7 years. She's awesome, maybe a little flaky, and you always wondered if you were more into her than she was into you, but still, she's just awesome. Then one day, she goes on ESPN and announces she's breaking up with you for some douchebag with lots of hair gel and shirts that are way too small for him. Then, after six months of not really talking about you that much and pretending your seven year relationship was nothing special, her and her new douchebag boyfriend come to your house, eat all your food, have sex right in front of you and poop on your carpet.

That's was the vibe I got from the Cleveland crowd by the time I made it back in the middle of the third quarter. Lebron was pooping on their carpet and having a great time doing it and they just had to sit there and take it. I don't know what to say about Cleveland at this point. Let's hope Colt McCoy's quarterbacking skills turn out to be as awesome as his name. Seriously, how much would you pay to trade names with Colt McCoy? Best sports name ever.

On the bright side, I figured out who Lebron is now. He's a bad guy, a wrestling heel. He's Hollywood Hogan, he's NWO 4Life. He ran into the ring, hit the city of Cleveland with a steel chair and mugged for the crowd with Bosh and Wade while we all threw our drinks at them. And you know what? I'm sort of on board with the Lebron heel turn.

Who doesn't like rooting against a bad guy? Plus, Lebron had sort of run his course as a good guy. And basketball needs a new bad guy. Lots of people hate Kobe, but he's starting to make the transition from bad guy to venerable old veteran we all begrudgingly respect. Lebron's a perfect bad guy too. He's big, imposing, not super likable to begin with, seems to be warming to the role, all the good guys will need to work together to take him down.

I'm a big fan of this idea. Of course, I'm not from Cleveland.

Pretty Heat Machine

Like everyone else, I'm apparently so fascinated by the marriage of two British people that I can barely concentrate on anything else. So, I'm sort of mailing this one in, but I'm going to do my best, because I'm a trooper. Ready...set...blog!

Who has two thumbs and decided not to make anymore NBA predictions after last year's debacle? This guy! It makes sense, I haven't really watched the NBA since Jordan retired (which happened after the 1998 finals, and anything you think you saw after 1998 never really happened). It isn't that I stopped liking basketball all at once, I just sort of slowly drifted away, like Glenn Beck slowly drifting away from reality.

I was really a victim of NBA circumstance. I grew up with Bird and Magic, then Jordan, then? Blah. The Spurs? You would have to give me the clockwork orange treatment to get me to watch a whole Spurs game. The Lakers? I grew up a Celtics fan. Plus, I lived in New York the whole decade, so my local action consisted of watching Isaiah Thomas' attempt to burn the Knicks down and collect the insurance money.

Bottom line, I don't know anything about the NBA anymore. So, no NBA predictions this year. But, as the proud owner of an internet blog that sometimes deals with sports, I'm required by federal mandate to have an opinion about the Miami Heat, so here goes.

First of all, I'm not a big fan of this whole thing happening in Miami. I've never liked the Heat. Stupid name, ugly uniforms, by-product of the needless expansion period in all sports that stretched the NBA's talent pool a little too thin (and murdered the NHL, but that's another story). I don't blame the big two and a half for doing this in Miami. If you and two of your buddies decided to go work together somewhere, and you could choose pretty much anywhere you wanted, and you worked winter jobs (let's say you're a team of all-star Santa Claus'), you might pick Miami. I'm just saying, wouldn't this be more fun if it were happening in a city with more basketball history? Maybe a city that hadn't seen a title in a while (or ever)? Somewhere like Philadelphia, or New York or...Cleveland(ouch).

More importantly, I'm not a fan of the way the team is constructed. The big three in Boston fit so well together because they do different things. Pierce needs the ball a lot, he gets to the hoop and to the line. Ray Allen is a spot up shooter who can be happy just hanging out around the three point line and waiting for guys to penetrate and kick. Garnett plays defense and rebounds, he can score inside, but he's not the kind of big man who needs the ball to go through him every possession.

In contrast, Lebron, Wade and Bosh all do basically the same thing. Bosh isn't really a big man, he's just a very tall swing man who likes to play around the perimeter and shoot jumpshots. Lebron and Wade do almost exactly the same thing, except Lebron is a better passer. The problem is, there's only one ball. If you're running the "I dribble dribble dribble and then shoot while you guys watch" offense, it doesn't really matter if one of the watchers is also a superstar, because his watching isn't really helping that much.

And don't say multiple stars makes them much harder to defend. Since none of them are great shooters, it doesn't matter if Lebron draws three defenders and then kicks to Wade, because Wade wants to go right back to the hoop, where Lebron and his three defenders are still standing. And the guy on your team who would guard Lebron isn't the same guy who would guard Wade. The guy who would guard Wade isn't big enough to guard Lebron, and the guy who would guard Lebron isn't quick enough to guard Wade. The result is basically the same thing you had in Cleveland since Lebron got there, or in Miami since Shaq passed 400 pounds and then left. One dribbler, four watchers, lots of jumpshots.

To be fair, there are some benefits. Last year in Cleveland, if Lebron had an off night, if he just didn't have it, they were done unless they were playing a really awful team. Same thing in Miami with Wade. This year, the Heat have both of those guys, and only one of them really needs to have a good game. Either one of those guys can carry the Heat to a win on any given night. They essentially have one more bullet than everyone else, and that's something.

I don't hate the Heat. I don't blame the players for wanting to play together and I don't blame the team for signing the best players they could. I'll root against them because I like it when so-called experts are wrong, but I don't hate the Heat. I'm not fascinated by them either. They're just another team, above average, title contenders, but just another team.

Winners And Losers

My Brain: "Hey, we haven't written anything in while and this Lebron thing seems pretty big. You feeling up to it?"
Me: "I don't know, can you think of a good angle to come at it from?"
My Brain: "Hmmm, how about some kind of winners and losers thing?"
Me: "I don't know, that sounds kind of dumb."
My Brain: "Well if you wanted better ideas, you should have drank less in college."
Me: "Fair enough."

Loser: Jim Grey (Gray? Grey? Whatever)
I counted 14 questions before he asked Lebron where he was actually going. Fourteen. FOURTEEN!!!! I know Jim probably didn't get to decide the questions or the order of the questions, but it was live TV. Just ask the man.

Winner: Dwyane Wade
No matter how many titles they win in Miami, he'll always have one more than Lebron, it'll always be his city and we'll always say Lebron never won a title without Wade. Plus, it won't take long for Miami fans to figure out that they still want Wade taking the big shot at the end of the game, because Lebron isn't a closer. Wade gets to play alongside the most talented player in the world and still be the leader of his team. Good stuff.

Loser: The Nets and The Clippers
If you were a crazy Russian billionaire, wouldn't it make more sense for you to pay the KGB to kill the owner of a successful NBA franchise, and then buy that franchise, then it would for you to buy the Nets. Travis Outlaw? Seriously? And the Clippers? They didn't even get a sniff of any of these guys. When ESPN did their little montage of fake pictures of Lebron in different jerseys, they didn't even include the Clippers. What a disaster.

This is one of the unintended consequences of a salary cap. Once a franchise becomes a complete joke, there's almost nothing you can do to fix it, because you can't just overpay for better players they way the Mets did with Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran.

Winner: Kobe Bryant
The 2010-2011 Heat are essentially shaping up to be two superstars, one all-star, maybe one mid-level exception type guy and eight minimum salary stiffs. When the Lakers dismantle them in the finals next June, all the Kobe haters will have to permanently sit down and shut up.

Loser: The Knicks
I know they got Amare Stoudamire, and I actually like him more than I like Chris Bosh. Having said that, the Knicks were the first team to start gutting their roster and clearing cap space for this summer. Everyone knew they were gunning for Lebron. You can't sell me on anything less being anything other than a disappointment. This would be like getting engaged and deciding to save sex for your wedding night. Then, when your wife takes her wedding dress off in the honeymoon sweet, you realize she's actually Amare Stoudamire. Bad times.

More importantly, you can't like this from a basketball standpoint if you're the Knicks. Mike D'Antoni plus younger Amar'e plus Steve Nash never even equaled a finals appearance. Now you're telling me Mike D'Antoni plus older Amar'e with a shaky knee and a bad eye minus Steve Nash is getting you a ring. A ring you'll have to win by going through a Miami team that now has 60% of the eastern conference all-star starting line-up. Good luck with that.

Undecided: Chris Bosh
I'm still on the fence about Bosh. On one hand, he gets to go along for the ride and probably win a couple of titles. On the other hand, he gets to spend his prime being the third best player on his team. I guess if I had to choose, Bosh is a winner, because it's not like he was going anywhere on his own. He needed help, and now he's got it.

Undecided #2: The Bulls
Carlos Boozer isn't exactly Lebron James or Dwyane Wade, but they've got a pretty good young team out there in Chicago. I think they can get to the conference finals against the SuperHeat. They'll be underdogs, but it wouldn't be a shock if they pulled the upset.

Biggest Loser: Cleveland
This one's obvious, but still. What a punch to the gut, and on national TV. The first time the Heat visit Cleveland, I'd like to see the whole home crowd spend the entire game standing with their backs to the court. I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to the news that Cleveland had been completely abandoned.

Biggest Winner: Steven A. Smith
This whole Lebron announcement thing had no suspense for me, you know why? Because sometime last week I heard Steven A. say Lebron, Wade and Bosh were going to Miami, and it was a done deal. When Steven A. talks about basketball, I listen. After he nailed this story, Steven A. could break the story that Shaq and Kobe were reuniting to play together in Norway and I'd believe it.

The Night The Hype Died

I've never been a huge fan of Lebron James. I'm not exactly sure why, it may just be one of those irrational sports things. I've never liked Peyton Manning, I can't stand Tim Tebow, I'll tell anyone who will listen how overrated Cal Ripken was (seriously, pay me baseball player money and I'll show up to work everyday too). Add to that my long time rooting interest in the Celtics and games 5 and 6 of the eastern conference semifinals were, well, they were just fantastic. I won't even bother talking about game 5, it's been beaten to death in the media, a few comments on game six though.

I'm not sure how to react to Lebron's game 6 performance. You could look at the numbers (27 points, 19 boards, 10 assists) and say he couldn't have done any more, and you'd probably be right. Even if you look past the numbers, you have to give him credit for locking Paul Pierce down for most of the night (and most of the series, for that matter). After actually watching the game though, I have to say the numbers don't really reflect the way it looked. Lebron had his moments (including a number of crazy, "where did he come from?" rebounds), but he seemed to sort of fade in and out.

The best example came in the fourth quarter. The Celtics were up ten with around 10 minutes left. Lebron drilled two straight threes and I thought, "uh oh". At that point, I fully expected a 20-point quarter from Lebron and a 10-point Cavs win. Never happened. Instead, Lebron mysteriously disappeared for about four minutes. It was weird. I couldn't believe he didn't come out of the time out and hoist another three or charge to the bucket and draw a foul. Something to keep it going. So, you can't really blame Lebron when you look at the numbers, but he didn't exactly have his A-game either.

The end of the game was genuinely uncomfortable. The Cavs totally bailed on the last minute. They completely gave up. In his post-game comments, Lebron said his team left it all on the court (reading from his book of timely sports cliches). That was just patently false. They stopped trying with a minute to go, that's not leaving it all on the floor, that's going home with at least 1/48 of it. It left me wondering how Lebron could possibly come back to this team, this team that isn't only a team of quitters, but turned him into a quitter too.

Thus begins the summer of Lebron. And you know what? I think this is the best thing for him. They way the season ended, so jarring, so unexpected. The Cavs were exposed as a team that is nowhere near winning a title. There's no rational reason for him to stay in Cleveland now. The team stinks, the coach is awful and, well, let's face it, it's Cleveland. If you live in Cleveland, Lebron James is the only thing to see or care about. If you're Lebron James in Cleveland, that leaves you with nothing.

Lebron can go to the Knicks (if he cares more about his ego and his endorsements than he does about winning), he can go to the Bulls (if he wants to spend the rest of his life hearing about how he's no MJ), he can go to the Clippers (if he always wanted a catastrophic knee injury, surgery and months of grueling rehab just to get back to 80% of what he was) or, if he wants to win, he can go to the Nets.

The Nets have all the pieces you'd want around a star like Lebron, including a top four draft pick coming up. I'm sure they're hoping to get John Wall, and you can't lose with Wall. But I'd almost rather see them get the #2 or #3 pick and find a shooter. They already have a point guard, and Harris doesn't need to dominate the ball the way Wall seems to. Lebron needs to be in an offense where he's the ball handler, where he's the guy who keys the offense. He needs to run something like the triangle Kobe runs and MJ ran. I know Phil Jackson probably isn't leaving LA, but other coaches can get tapes of Laker games, right?

Sure, this would stick Lebron in Newark for a couple of years. First of all, remember, he's currently stuck in Cleveland. Secondly, Newark is pretty close to the only real city in the world, it's not like he'll be required to spend his free time in Newark. Most importantly, it's only two years. If I can survive in Connecticut for two and a half years, Lebron can do two in Newark.

The real point is the opportunity Lebron has this summer. Ever since high school, other people have been writing his story and he's been acting out the part as best he could. I like to call him the Hype King, but most of the hype isn't really his fault. Sure, he embraced it, but the alternative was to shy away and look like a coward. Free agency doesn't just give him the chance to earn a ton of money, which he'll do wherever he goes. It gives him the chance to pick his spot and start over. The chance to go where he wants, with the coach he wants and the kind of team he wants. The chance to write his own story. Just the king, without the hype.

I Know

I know I need more hockey in my life.
I know I could train a chimp to do the job of a baseball manager.
I know my chimp-managed team would win at least 90% of the games it would have won with a regular human manager.
I know some team should try that soon.
I know the Raiders releasing Jamarcus Russell doesn't really qualify as news.
I know Joe McKnight in the 4th round was the steal of the NFL draft.
I know Santonio Holmes has elite talent.
I know Ladainian Tomlinson can still find the end zone, even though
I know he can't get there as quickly as he used to.
I know the Jets replaced the awful work of Lito Sheppard with a really good trade and a first round draft pick.
I know the Jets look just good enough to totally crush their fans next season.
I know "los Suns" is not how you say "the Suns" in Spanish.
I know if we really wanted to keep illegal immigrants from Mexico out of the country, we'd stop lining the boarder with our stupidest states.
I know the Jazz can't beat the Lakers, but
I know the Spurs can.
I know there's is a 0% chance of me seeing Sex and the City 2, and
I know there are some undeniable benefits of being single.
I know you get tazzzzzed if you run onto the field in Philadelphia.
I know Philly fans have been collectively asking for it since about 1968.
I know I should actually say tasered, but the z's add some onomatopoetic value.
I know if you don't want to be tasered, you should just stay in your seat and not be a douchebag.
I know anyone who thinks that cop did something wrong should be tasered.
I know the Baltimore Orioles should try tasering some of their players, it couldn't hurt.
I know pimpin' ain't easy, but
I know it's necessary.
I know I still don't care about the world cup, and
I know ESPN can't make me.
I know Ubaldo Jimenez is leading the National League in ERA.
I know it's not a fluke.
I know the Hartford Whalers should move back to Hartford.
I know people here in Connecticut think college sports are real sports, and
I know they also think all the pizza here doesn't taste like crap.
I know the Red Sox will get a lot better, and
I know they'll probably still finish third.
I know Lebron James has an elbow booboo, because he is apparently also the king of passive-aggressive whining.
I know the chances of Lebron playing for the Knicks next season are roughly equivalent to the chances of me playing for the Knicks next season.
I know Steve Nash is almost as overrated as John Stockton was. You heard me.
I know I'd take Allen Iverson over either one of those guys.
I know Floyd Mayweather Jr. is an even better fighter than you think he is.
I know once you grow up, Cinco de Mayo is just another crappy day.
I know the same can be said for Thursday nights.
I know Dwight Howard should spend less time bitching about the refs and more time practicing free throws.
I know the refs wouldn't foul Lebron James out of a playoff game if he carried a baseball bat onto the court with him and committed six aggravated assaults.
I know Lebron hasn't accomplished anything that should make him more special than Dwight.
I know NASCAR is far more watchable than it has a right to be.
I know hockey needs to get back on ESPN, like right now. Seriously, I just went down the list in my head of sports, pseudo-sports, games or anything else that might be considered a sport-like competition. I was trying to find the next most popular thing, after hockey, that I never see happening on ESPN. You know how far I got? Chess! Come on!
I know the Red Wings can come all the way back against San Jose.
I know they probably won't.
I know we need more Canadian hockey teams.
I know everyone should be watching ESPN's 30 for 30 series.
I know you can't win a championship if Dirk Nowitzki is your best player.
I know Barry Zito is 5-0 with a 1.49 ERA.
I know I would have bet everything I have against ever typing that last sentence.
I know horse racing is stupid.
I know Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
I know I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfightin' snakes on this monday-to-friday plane.
I know we're 27 games in and I still can't look at Nick Johnson's mustache without laughing.
I know David Ortiz is done.
I know I thought that this time last year too.
I know the Orlando Magic haven't lost a playoff game yet.
I know cheerleaders would work for baseball.
I know satan wasn't really sent to hell by god, he's just hiding there from Chuck Norris.
I know the Knicks are still an embarrassment, and
I know Isaiah Thomas should never be allowed back into New York City under any circumstances.
I know being a Yankee fan means I'm supposed to love Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and
I know I just can't do it.
I know nothing about cricket.
I know Jimmy Clausen was the best QB in the draft.
I know hockey needs more fighting and less warm weather.
I know I need less warm weather too.
I know Mike Tyson doesn't get enough credit for how good he was in his prime.
I know Larry Holmes doesn't either.
I know MTV invented reality television as we know it.
I know MTV should be punished somehow for that, no fine would be too big.
I know Herm Edwards would make a good college coach.
I know it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
I know teams shouldn't be allowed to change their jerseys/logos without some kind of fan approval process.
I know Stephen Strasburg is the real deal.
I know the Nationals will find a way to screw it up.
I know I still like the Blackhawks to win the cup.
I know this turned out better than I thought it would.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

The Most Racist Thing I'll Ever See

I have what I think is an interesting question, and I'm wondering if anyone who reads this would be inclined to answer. Have you heard of the All-American Basketball Alliance? (hang in there, that isn't the actual question) The AABA is (and for those of you who haven't heard of it yet I swear I'm not making this up) a proposed basketball league that will feature only white players and only American players. To play in this league, you and both of your parents have to be white and American.

I don't think this will ever actually happen, because how could 12 cities possibly be willing to host a team in this league? Even cities with tons of white people and a healthy portion of latent racism wouldn't be willing to do this. Right? Right??? But if it does happen, I say it'll be the most racist thing I'll ever see, because I'm only 30. I didn't actually see slavery or segregation or anything like that with my own eyes.

The guy who is trying to start this league, who calls himself "Moose" (again, I swear I'm not making that up either), is literally attempting to re-segregate a sport. His pitch, as far as I can tell, is that all these black guys and foreigners are ruining good, fundamental, white basketball. All the skill and talent the NBA is currently plagued with is ruining the fun of watching five white guys make good bounce passes.

Obviously, this is super racist. This guy shatters the 2010 racism scale. And the craziest part is, I've seen this guy on TV, more than once, defending his idea as totally not racist. It's almost like he's playing a practical joke on us. But here's my question. Would playing in this league make someone a racist?

Here's my scenario. Let's say I'm a white guy(hard to imagine, I know). I played high school ball. I didn't get a scholarship out of it, but I managed to walk on at a small but respectable division one school. I worked my way into the rotation and had a big game the year my team went to the tournament and almost stunned Kentucky. I wasn't nearly good enough for the NBA, or even the D-league. I went to Europe for two years, but mostly sat the bench and didn't get any new offers when I was done. I couldn't get on a pro team anywhere else.

Now, I'm 25-26 years old, back in America doing what every other failed athlete is doing, working a crappy job I hate (come to think of it, isn't pretty much everyone doing that, failed athlete or not, stupid life, anyway...). I'm getting no bites with basketball, my old high school won't even let me be an assistant coach. That probably has something to do with my setting the baseball field on fire the night after graduation. Whatever!

Then, just when I'm ready to give up on basketball, the GM for the Kentucky Killer Kangaroos (if this league ever does happen, I demand that I be the one to make up all 12 team names) shows up at my door and says he remembers seeing me play in college. He thinks I could really help out his team if I'm still in shape. He's not just talking about sitting on the bench, he's talking big minutes. I've kept myself in excellent shape and I'm ready to play. This is my last chance at my dream, this is the last opportunity basketball will ever offer me, this is, literally, the bottom of the barrel.

Under those circumstances, what, if anything, does it say about me if I take the offer? Would I be selling my soul to the devil? Would it not be my fault that the only league interested in me happens to be possibly the single most racist thing in America? Sometimes, going to work for the bad guys makes you one of the bad guys, is this one of those times? I honestly don't know, I'm wondering if anyone who reads this has a thought.

Deadline

It wasn't too long ago that the NBA trading deadline was almost as boring as the NFL's annually uneventful deadline. In the last few years though, the NBA deadline has blasted right past the NHL and is quickly approaching baseball's level of deadline interest. On top of that, they've successfully paired their all-star weekend with the deadline, allowing a double dose of NBA excitement. Or, in the case of this season, allowing them to clean up the disaster that was the all-star weekend with some hot new trade stories. I'd like to personally thank the NBA for giving me something to sort of care about this last week without having to talk myself into snowboarding as a sport. Let's take a closer look at all-star weekend and some of the deals we saw leading up to 3PM today, and let's see if I'm getting a little nervous about my pre-season NBA picks.

There's nothing original in saying the slam dunk contest sucked, but I'll say it anyway. Boy did that slam dunk contest suck. Do you think they talked about ending it after the second round of dunks? They had to at least consider it, right? If I were NBA supercommish David Stern, here's what I would have done. Right after the first round of dunks, I would have pulled Dwight Howard off the sideline and offered him $500,000 to save my crappy dunk contest. Then, after the crappy finals, right as they were getting ready to announce the champ, all the lights go out. Cue the superman music and out runs Dwight. He spends five or ten minutes doing all the insanely athletic things no human should be able to do, but that he can do while also smiling and looking like he's not really trying. The crowd leaves totally satisfied, and Dwight gets his money and a nice trophy.

I, David Stern, can either tell the truth and be a genius for saving an event that was dying right in front of us, or, I say we had it planned all along and I'm the diabolical genius who tricked everybody into thinking we were putting on such an awful event and then surprised everyone with a great finish. Either way, the NBA looks great and all anyone talks about the next day is the awesome ending.

As for the rest of all-star Saturday; the shooting stars thing with the WNBA players and the TNT staff is a joke. The 3-point contest is usually something I enjoy, but this year's felt strangely unfulfilling and even a little awkward. The point guard thing is just ridiculous. The HORSE competition continues to be a solid idea, but they're going to need to start Durant-proofing the course, and it also appeared to be happening in a high school gymnasium, which I thought was weird.

The all-star game itself was perfectly adequate. For everyone whining about the lack of defense; boohoo, it's an all-star game, it's supposed to be fun, and defense is tiring. The one thing I always find interesting about games like that is the alpha dog factor. Who jumps out at you as a star among stars? You know who jumped out at me? Carmelo Anthony. And I remember thinking the same thing about the 2008 olympic team. I've never been too high on Carmelo, I've always seen him as a notch below your real NBA stars. I've changed my mind. Carmelo can carry a team through the playoffs. This completely changes my view of the Denver Nuggets. I never considered them a real contender, because you need an alpha dog to get past Kobe and LeBron, and I didn't think Denver had one. Now? I'm convinced Denver has one.

By the way, I also noticed that Chris Kaman was an all-star. It's a tragedy how that plane full of all the other western conference big men went down over the rocky mountains. I hope we find those guys soon.

On to the trades, starting with the Knicks, since I'm from New York and I still get to see all their games. They traded Nate Robinson to the Celtics for Eddie House. I can't complain about this from the Knicks' side. Just by showing up, Eddie doubles the number of Knicks who can shoot. For the Celtics, who I root for, the value is a little less clear. You can be crazy and still be valuable in the NBA, like Gilbert Arenas was. But Nate isn't as good as Gilbert, or Artest, or even Rasheed Wallace from five years ago. To be valuable, I think you need to be at least as good as you are crazy, and I'm not sure Nate's there.

The Knicks also traded Darko Milicic for a guy they're immediately releasing, they literally gave him away for nothing. I have some ice cream in my freezer, and if I was an NBA owner, I could have traded it to the Knicks for Darko. Is Darko the worst draft pick in sports history? Who can give us an official ruling on this?

The main trade for the Knicks was the T-Mac thing. Sports radio in New York has been buzzing about this for weeks, which tells you how awful basketball in New York is right now. The idea of adding a guy who was great six years ago and might get you to 35 wins gets everyone all worked up. The Knicks gave up Jordan Hill (8th pick in last year's draft, which is handy, because he'll never be anything better than the 8th man on a winning team) and some draft picks, in exchange for which they got McGrady and they got someone to take on the ridiculous Jared Jeffries contract. Seems like a pretty good deal.

Along with the usual salary cap related flotsam and jetsam, the Rockets got Kevin Martin and the Kings got Carl Landry. Boring names aside, I like both of those guys for their new respective teams. The ball belongs to Tyreke Evans in Sacramento now, so Martin kind of had to go, but a legit power forward fits in well. The Rockets desperately need a scorer, and Martin fills that role. The rare good trade all around. Also, the Kings got Larry Hughes, which is good because last time I saw the Kings play I was thinking they needed someone to miss ridiculous jump shots.

The Hype King and his Cavs picked up Antawn Jamison. This really doesn't change my opinion about them at all. My favorite part of this trade was Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The Cavs traded big Z to Washington, where he'll take 30 days off and then come back to the Cavs. NBA trades aren't always the most interesting, but the NBA definitely has the goofiest trades. It may be time to re-think the salary cap structure a little.

Sidenote, here's my thing about Lebron. Two things really. First, I never like players who get the hype before they get the wins, at least not until they actually get the wins. More importantly though, it's this: MJ, Kobe, guys like that, they need to win. I'm honestly not sure if MJ would have survived an NBA career without titles. I'm not sure yet if Lebron needs to win, or if he just wants to win.

I think I'm more interested in all the things that didn't happen. The Suns, after weeks of trying to trade him, didn't trade Amare Stoudemire. Um...awkward. Especially since this is the second year in a row that happened. So now Amare has to play the rest of the season on a team that can't possibly win a title and couldn't possibly be less interested in still having him around. Sounds like fun.

Lots of teams just did nothing. I don't mind the Magic doing nothing, I'm not sure they needed to add anyone. I don't mind the Heat doing nothing, they weren't going anywhere this year either way, so why bother. But if I'm a fan of a non-Lakers western conference team, I'm a little punchy right now. Kobe won't still be limping around come playoff time. In fact, he'll be even more well rested for destroying you. The Jazz even gave away one of their better players, Ronnie Brewer, for nothing. Is there something in the NBA rulebook that would allow western conference teams to just surrender to L.A. instead of playing them? Probably not. Too bad, because I think the Jazz are ready and that would be pretty fun to watch.

I picked the Magic to win the east, and the title. I'm still fine with that, at least the east part. I don't like the Cavs, the Heat didn't get any better, the Hawks are still the Hawks and I just don't see the Celtics making it through the playoffs. The team I picked to lose to the Magic, the Spurs, has me pretty nervous. Even if the Lakers stumble, my new found belief in Carmelo Anthony makes the Nuggets very scary. Plus, to be honest, I hate rooting for the Spurs. Something about them has always really annoyed me. I feel the same way about Tim Duncan as I used to feel about John Stockton. I respect his game and he seems like a really nice guy, but sometimes I just wish one of the NBA's crazy people would tackle him on the court for no reason.

That's pretty much it. Truth is, I was 10 times more interested in pitchers and catchers reporting to Yankee camp than I was in anything that happened in the NBA. I'm trying to get back into basketball this year, but once April comes and baseball really starts, I can't promise anything.

Defending The BCS

I was driving today and found myself at a red light behind a perfectly nice white Toyota (buy American damn it!). This was memorable because the owner of the Toyota had put the word "champaine" on the back of the car in big black letters. I know that's not actually how you spell champagne, but the owner of this Toyota didn't. My point is, sometimes people do things, and it's best not to waste time trying to figure out why. Why would someone want to have champagne written across the back of their car, and why wouldn't they find out how to spell it first? I don't know, and I'm not going to waste what little sanity I have left on trying to figure it out.

For a long time, this is how I felt about the BCS. It was stupid, it made no sense, and I just didn't have the energy to care. But last weekend, as I watched Texas almost blow it's spot in the national title game, and as I listened to the ABC announcer tell me, after every play, how many minutes we were away from BCS chaos, I had an epiphany. I've seen the light. The BCS is a great idea, maybe the best idea in the history of sports. The rest of us were just too damn stupid to see it. But not me, not anymore.

See, sports have had playoffs for years, it's been done to death. Just thinking about some sport having all the best teams play each other on the field in some sort of tournament to decide a champion makes me yawn, that's sooo 20th century. The BCS is so revolutionary, so modern. They've got voters and computers and statistical formulas, and probably some robots and talking monkeys too. TCU, Cincinnati and Boise St. probably don't like it this year, but if they wanted to contend for championships, they should have thought of that before they decided to not be Alabama or Texas. This is the wave of the future, and I'm on board. I don't want all my other favorite sports to get left behind. So, here are some ideas for how the other sports can be more like college football. We need to get to work on this right away, before it's too late.

First, a few rules. Number one, the BCS still has a championship game, I guess they figured they'd throw the dinosaurs a bone, so we're not picking the best team, just the best two teams. Number two, we need to stay as far away from on the field competition as possible, I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Finally, you'd still have the same regular season, just for kicks, like college football does. We're just replacing the playoffs.

Baseball. My first thought was some kind of home run derby. But those happen on the field, that feels too much like honest athletic competition, not what we're going for. My second thought was letting the two teams with the nicest ballparks each year play for the title. The problem there is that ballparks don't change much and you'd get the same two teams a lot. College football has taught us that you really need a good rotation of like four or five teams. But I was on the right track with this.

I propose that baseball decide its two championship contenders each year based on the quality of ballpark food. Teams can change this pretty drastically from year to year if they want, so it won't always be the same teams. Plus, this would help with baseball's parity problem. I haven't been to the new Yankee stadium yet, because I don't own my own company, but the food at the old Yankee Stadium sucked. In contrast, I saw a game in Cincinnati once, they had pulled pork sandwiches and chili. The Reds kick the Yankees' ass in food. I also heard the San Francisco Giants have garlic fries at their ballpark. Garlic fries! Right there at the ballpark! You see where I'm going with this, any team can win the food competition. I don't care who the judges are, as long as I'm one of them.

Basketball. First of all, to be honest, if you suggested quality of stadium eats as a system for all four major sports, I wouldn't argue with you, but I'm trying to be creative here. A slam dunk competition has the same problem as a home run derby. I thought maybe just taking the two teams with the two tallest players. That would be funny, because teams would have to spend the off-season searching the world for the tallest freaks they could find, but you'd still need basketball talent for that championship game. Funny, but not really fun.

I've got it! Hip-Hop records. I've noticed a lot of basketball players make rap albums. I've heard they're mostly terrible, but maybe it's because they're not trying hard enough. So here's the pitch. At the beginning of every season, every player makes an album. Over the course of the season, the team works together to pick the best album they have and make it better. At the end of the season, the two teams that produce the two best albums play for the title. This would be great both for basketball players who always wanted to be rappers and rappers who always wanted to be basketball players. This would also allow the Knicks to spend an insane amount of money on a whole team of terrible rappers they can pair with their current team of terrible basketball players. I think this is a win for everyone.

Football. This was the easiest one. Three words: Cheerleader Beauty Pageant. This should appeal to most football fans and keep the same high ratings the playoffs currently get. Everyone would love it and it would lead to even more attractive cheerleaders than we have now. Sometimes life's just that simple.

Hockey. This is the toughest one for me, I've already written here about how much I like the hockey playoffs. But when it's time to move on, it's time to move on, and I'm a team player. I thought about taking the two teams with the most Canadians on their rosters. Sadly, I'm afraid this might seem vaguely racist to non-Canadians. A drinking competition would be fun, but almost every hockey player I've ever met has seemed like a genuinely nice guy, so let's not destroy their livers for sport. Zamboni races? We should definitely have them, but I don't think they're right for this.

I thought about this for a while, and it finally came to me. A beard growing competition. This is perfect because it keeps one of the traditions of the old playoffs without all the boringness of actual playoffs. Beards would be judged on length, thickness and general creepy appearance. Bonus points for cool beard design, like if you were able to cut your beard into the shape of a hockey stick. Points off for dyed beards, that would be the beard competition equivalent of performance enhancing drugs. The two teams with the highest average beard scores play for the cup.

So, there it is. If I didn't cover your favorite sport, I'm sure you can think of some ideas on your own. Think this was stupid? I dare anyone to explain how any of my ideas are any worse than the BCS. I double dog dare you.