U.S...Eh?

I've done this with football and baseball already, I wonder if this would work with hockey. Let's find out. Also, there's a NASCAR race going on one channel over, so maybe we'll check in on that from time to time.

The highlight of the pre-game show was a quick interview with Canadian Prime Minister Don Cherry (I may be a little off on his job title, whatever). They had him in some sort of dimly lit room, I think so his outfit didn't blind anyone. The lowlight? A miracle on ice highlight package. Maybe it's because I'm not old enough to remember it, but I couldn't be more tired of hearing about that. Yes, I get it, we beat the Russians. Good for us. Another great triumph over a nation that could barely feed itself. Hooray.

The venue for most of the hockey has been Canada Hockey Place. Isn't that sort of like saying "the part of America where people are fat". Is anywhere in Canada not a hockey place? No matter how this game ends, I don't see a lot of people in Canada going to work tomorrow, I guess is what I'm saying.

The teams are just sort of feeling each other out for the first chunk of the first period. I think this is why hockey has trouble getting new fans. If you've never seen a hockey game before, it's hard not to get bored with these long periods of skating back a forth with nothing really notable happening. If I had to pick a key player for the U.S., I think it'd be Phil Kessel. I really like Kessel, he's fast, a playmaker. I think a U.S. win involves a goal or a least a big play from Kessel.

I feel like, if I ever date a Canadian girl, I'll never be able to break up with her. I would enjoy a Canadian accent in my life so much, I don't think there would be anything she could do to get rid of me.

I do not like the U.S. uniforms, at all. The blue is too dark, and the white helmets are ridiculous. And there's hardly any red at all. What's up with that? If they gave out medals for uniforms, the U.S. would definitely not win.

Ryan Callahan and Chris Drury are playing on the same line for the U.S. Rangers fans can tell you that line won't be scoring any goals. That reminds me, I don't know if I can go back to watching Rangers and Devils games after this. I may need a quick buffer period before I go back to the NHL.

1-0 Canada! There's absolutely no noticeable run up to most hockey goals. Things are just sort of gliding along and then BAM!, there's a goal. Scored by Jonathan Toews (pronounced Tays, um, OK). Shortly after, the U.S. took a penalty on a tripping call I didn't love. Power play! Power plays are the best. This particular Canadian power play was uneventful, good kill by the U.S.

So the first period ends 1-0 Canada. Not the most eventful period. The U.S. doesn't really look aggressive enough. Last Sunday they were all over the Canadians with the forecheck. Today? Not so much. Sounds like Milbury agrees with me, based on his long involvement with the Islanders, I'm not sure I should feel good about that. Also, they just mentioned that, during the pre-game, Roenick said this was maybe the most important hockey game ever. Calm down, big guy.

Quick NASCAR look-in. Hmmm, the cars seem to just be going around in a big circle. Must be warm-ups or something. I did learn that today's race is in Las Vegas. So, Vegas is full of rednecks this weekend. I feel like "NASCAR weekend in Vegas" is a good reality show we're missing out on. Still going around in circles. We'll check back later.

By the way, wouldn't zamboni races be an awesome winter Olympic event? They could have timed races, like speed skating, and some head-to-head events. People would love this, it would be at least as popular as curling. You know I'm right about this. Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that? I don't believe you.

Nice stop by Miller on Iginla after a turnover. The second period is looking a lot like the first period so far. By the way, if any of the other teams were in this game instead of the U.S. and Canada, the names would prevent me from even trying to do this. I don't think I could spell Ovechkin correctly if you gave me six chances.

Another Canadian power play. That one looked better than the last one, but no goal. The U.S. blocks a ton of shots. That must hurt so much. I'm honestly not sure I could do that. Anyway, good kill by the U.S. and they get their own power play immediately after.

The U.S. power play was a bit of a mess, and shortly after, BAM! 2-0 Canada. That happens so often in hockey, successful penalty kill followed by a goal. U.S. goalie Ryan Miller has the "hey, what happened to all those goals we were scoring" face going. This isn't looking great for the U.S. right now, they're starting to put the Molson on ice. But, the U.S. just got another power play. This one's pretty important, I feel like they need a goal here.

That power play was awful, at least until the last 30 seconds. It's also getting a little chippy out there. Too bad there's no fighting in the Olympics. In the NHL, this would be a perfect time for the Americans to pick a fight and try to get some energy going.

They're not doing any commercials during the game, good job by NBC. Two funny things. First, this turns the intermissions into commercial torture chambers. Second, the players still seem to be taking commercial breaks. Right now we just got a random 90 second stoppage in play for no particular reason.

And then....BAM! 2-1 Canada. Nice deflection by Kesler on a Kane wrist shot. Other than Miller, I think Patrick Kane has easily been the best American player in this tournament. The announcers just pointed out that the U.S. scoring play was offside. Can someone pour them a nice glass of shut the hell up?

The Americans just missed tying the game by maybe six inches, maybe less. Then Canada missed a 3-1 lead by no more than 3 inches. It's really hard to do hockey justice in words. The action just builds slowly, every minute is just a little more exciting than the last one. As we end the second period, it's 2-1 Canada. I use the word awesome a lot (I think it's because I grew up near the beach), but awesome doesn't begin describe what's about to happen.

Another quick NASCAR check. Circles...circles...circles. OK, enough. I kid because I care, I actually don't mind NASCAR. It's sad that NASCAR eventually has to be a casualty of us running out of oil. Those cars get like one mile per gallon. I wonder if they'll try it with electric cars or bicycles for a year before they give up.

The Americans forgot to bring the momentum they had with them at the end of the second period with them for the third. Canada was sort of in charge of the first five minutes, and then another commercialess commercial break. Sidney Crosby's making me a little nervous right now. He hasn't done anything great yet, he rarely gets through a game without doing something amazing.

Great stop by Miller on Heatley at about the ten minute mark. I really thought Canada had one there. Canada is still in charge and the Americans are running out of time. I think I'd start double shifting the Kane line, they've been great all tournament. The crowd is starting to buzz a little more. I'd honestly feel sorry for Canada if the U.S. pulls this one out.

Nice shift by the Kessel line, I'm still keeping an eye on him. Under six minutes, still no big pushes from the Americans. Under five minutes now, and another commercial free commercial break. Could this game end 2-1? I didn't think so ten minutes ago, now I'm starting to wonder.

OH MAN! Breakaway by Crosby, great pursuit by Kane and Crosby really didn't get a shot. How close was that? Hockey is just the shit. This is better than 10 superbowls and 30 NBA finals.

OK, about a minute and a half to go and Miller just went to the bench for one of the best phrases in all of sports, the extra attacker. Looks like the U.S. is finishing with the Kane line plus Parise and OHHHHHHHHH! 2-2! Parise banged one in off a rebound and, holy crap, we're getting gold medal game overtime. Every other channel on the TV should stop whatever it's doing and let people watch this. Roenick summed it up best; "someone is about to be a national hero". Roenick is super pumped right now, he may need a sedative.

So, umm, I'm gonna go watch some hockey now. I'll be back to tell you how it ends.

What did I say about Crosby? Gold medal winning goal, right in the middle of overtime. Man, tough break for the Americans, but a silver beats expectations for them and they don't have anything to feel bad about, Canada just had a little more talent. I can't wait to see the medal ceremony, this Canadian crowd is in full riot mode. Also, this was, absolutely, the best thing that's ever happened on my TV.

Olympic Carnival

The Winter Olympics got me again. This happens every four years, just like the World Cup. I spend four years complaining about the Olympics, about how all the events suck except the hockey and how it interrupts my favorite TV shows. Then, when it actually comes around, I watch at least one hour of it everyday, plus the hockey. Why? Because most of the events, odd as they may be, are still sports, which is better than most of the other crap on TV. Especially when House, NCIS, The Office and 30 Rock all take the two Olympic weeks off. So I've been watching. Here's what I've learned.

I learned the Olympic hockey competition is, quite literally, the perfect sporting event. There's absolutely nothing you could do to make it better. This is especially true when you have the event in Canada. Canadians feel the same way about hockey as Americans feel about bacon. Every game has a great crowd that knows exactly what's going on and when to cheer. Even better, the players totally give a crap. This is why Olympic hockey is soooo much better than Olympic basketball. Of course, I'd put money on the NHL figuring out a way to screw this up by not having NHL players at the 2014 games in Russia. Gary Bettman is like the Michael Scott of sports commissioners. Did he win his job in a contest?

While we're here, quick predictions for the hockey medal round. I like Canada over Slovakia. I think Slovakia is a pretty underrated team and I've liked them every time I've seen them play, but they can't hang with the Canadians. I like the U.S. over Finland. Finland plays solid hockey and Kiprusoff looked really good against the Czechs, but I really like this U.S. team and Ryan Miller's been solid. Close game, maybe overtime, but I like the U.S.

Slovakia vs. Finland makes an interesting bronze medal game. I'll take Finland. I think Slovakia might actually have more talent, but Finland has the goaltending advantage and I think that gets them at least a bronze. Finally, I like Canada for the gold. I know, the U.S. already beat them. First, this will be for a gold medal, the crowd will be nuts right from the opening face-off (I'm looking forward to this game already, please Finland and Slovakia, don't ruin this for me). Second, I think Luongo is just a better goaltender than Brodeur, at least at this point in Marty's career, so I think Canada's a better team than they were last Sunday if they stick with Luongo. Finally, the Canadians just have better talent. You saw this against the Russians. Russia's top players are just ridiculous, but when you get into a 60 minute game, depth is so important, every Canadian line is really good. I can't see the U.S. team beating them again.

I learned curling is awesome. I'm not sure if it's a sport, but I'm sure I can't stop watching it. There's something mesmerizing about it. You flip to CNBC or MSNBC to see if there's a hockey game going on, and you find curling. You think "hmm curling, let's see what else is on". But then, right before you're about to leave, you get a look at where all the stones are and you start wondering where they'll try to put the next one. An hour and a half later you just watched an entire curling match. If some American billionaire doesn't try to start a professional curling league in the U.S. in the next 12 months, we should take all of the money away from all of our billionaires, because they obviously don't know what to do with it.

Quick curling sidenote: The most interesting curling subplot was the constant complaining by the announcers and, apparently, some of the curlers, about the crowd being too rowdy. "Umm, excuse me, I can't slide this rock down this sheet of ice with you people shouting like that". It just seems so goofy, this is obviously some sort of Canadian or Scandinavian drinking game that somehow found its way to being a sport. I can't imagine the first curlers having polite crowds.

I learned I would very much like to be a speed skater. I definitely don't have the ability, but I'd still like to do it. Those people just look so relaxed, especially in the longer distance races. They just sort of glide down the straight parts of the track with their hands behind their backs, they look close to falling asleep. I wouldn't be even a little surprised if one of them stopped for a sandwich. But then if you actually look at how fast they're moving, it's like they're riding in an invisible snowmobile. Add this to the fun of short track skating (every short track race is constantly one wrong step away from a four-skater pile up), and winter Olympic skating destroys summer Olympic track and field. Destroys it.

I have a question though. The skaters wear those skin tight lycra suits for aerodynamics, right? Why don't track and field athletes wear those suits. Or, if it's more aerodynamic for the track and field people to wear spandex shirts and shorts, then why don't the skaters wear that? One of those outfits is more aerodynamic than the other, right? What am I missing? (Probably something obvious, seeing as I know almost nothing about skating, track and field or aerodynamics)

I learned even though I was wrong about the Olympics as a whole, I was right about some things. For example, I was right about skiing. All you have to do to win at skiing is get down the mountain the fastest. I could easily win a downhill skiing event. I'd die seconds later, because I would have no idea how to stop after I finished, but they'd have to bury me with my gold medal. The one skiing event I didn't mind was the new ski-cross. Ski-cross has potential, it's not quite there yet. I'm thinking maybe rockets on the backs of the skis, but it's on the right track.

Quick skiing sidenote: The cross country skiing is strangely riveting. Like a marathon on snow. It's sort of like curling in that I could watch it for an hour without noticing, but I can't quite put my finger on what's so entertaining about it.

I was also right about figure skating. In fact, it's even worse than I remember. One night, I tried to watch, because someone suggested to me that I should stick around for someone named Tanith Belbin. I didn't make it. Everything about it was awful. Every second was goofier than the last. Even worse than that, it's apparently the most popular sport, because NBC won't stop showing it. More than once, I saw figure skating on the big network while hockey was stuck on MSNBC or CNBC. I'm not OK with that, that's not how I roll.

I could go on for a while about this, but I think I'll just pick out my biggest problem. Figure skating has way too much crying. I don't mind some crying in sports. Basketball players cry when they win a championship. Baseball players cry when we find out they used steroids. Hockey players cry..never, they never cry, because they're real men. Figure skaters cry when they skate well, when they don't skate well, when they fall, when they get good scores, or bad scores, or any scores. Figure skaters cry at every possible outcome. It's unwatchable. Now, I fully realize that I am not physically capable of doing anything figure skaters do, including wearing the outfits. But that doesn't change how I feel about watching it.

I was also right about snowboarding, which is definitely not a sport. Also, is it just me, or are those snowboarding guys really unlikable? When you see an interview with Shaun White, don't you kind of want someone to run up and punch him in the face? You do, right? Or when you see them all just sort of hanging around the half pipe like high school stoners while they wait to go, wouldn't you love to see a bunch of ninjas run in and just go nuts on them? I feel like I'd enjoy seeing that.

Most importantly, I learned what it is that always makes the Olympics much better than I remember them being. There's always three or four things going on at once. It's like a sports carnival. So even when some of those things are figure skating and snowboarding, if only one of them is something I like, that's good enough, because I only need to be watching one thing at a time. Also, no joke, I would put up with months of non-stop figure skating if that's what I had to endure to get to this awesome hockey tournament.

What The Hell Happened To...

...the Olympics?

Before I get to that, let me just say, wow, was I wrong about the Pacquiao/Cotto fight. I didn't see it, but i know who won and I saw pictures of Cotto after the fight, he looked like a guy who needs a new face. I won't make that mistake again. I'm picking Pacquiao to destroy Floyd Mayweather Jr., and the fight isn't even scheduled yet.

Anyway, when I was a kid, I remember the Olympics being kind of a big deal (people knew them, they were very important, they had many leather bound books and their apartment smelled of rich mahogany). Even as recently as 1996 I remember being at least moderately excited about the summer Olympics. Now? Apparently they're having some Olympics in Vancouver soon. I'm sure you'll start seeing unbearable commercials for them while you're trying to watch The Office. I'll watch the hockey when it's on, but even that's ruined because it interrupts the actual hockey season, so I'm already annoyed. I know Olympic hockey is better than the NHL in some ways, and I only get to see local teams, but I'd still rather watch the Rangers vs. Devils game than Norway vs. Switzerland. Also, they have women's hockey now. No, just, just no. The rest of it? I couldn't be less interested. So, what the hell happened to the Olympics?

By the way, while some of the things I'll talk about apply to both Olympiads, I'll mostly just be picking on the winter Olympics today, but the summer games suck too, trust me. In fact, the summer games are even worse because A) No hockey and B) there's actually other stuff to do during the summer and it just reminds you of how unwatchable they are (although the winter Olympics have a similar problem and we'll get to that).

For starters, I think the Olympics do a bad job of appealing to real sports fans. Nothing epitomizes this better than the opening ceremonies. There's nothing real sports fans hate more than unnecessarily long pre-game nonsense before the actual game starts. I was so excited when the weather cancelled whatever stupid mini-concert was supposed to happen before game 1 of the world series, only to find out they were just going to do it before game 2. Sing the anthem (or anthems, if you're watching hockey, reason number 39 hockey is awesome), introduce the teams, then everyone shut up and let's play.

The Olympics start the whole two-week event with an opening ceremony that usually isn't even followed by sports. This is like going through all the hassle of getting married without following it with any of the fun of getting divorced. Did you see the opening ceremonies in China two years ago? What a mess. I'd rather watch a 10-hour American Idol marathon then sit through that. The thing where they bring the teams out in sort of a parade, I have no issue with that, I said introducing the teams is cool. But the rest of it? No thank you.

Also, the Olympics has a lot of crappy sports. You heard me. Let's look at some of the winter sports we've got coming our way (I've already covered women's hockey, seriously, just stop. Women's rugby starting in the 2016 summer games? Totally different story, I'm completely on board. I'm a puzzle).

Skiing. Not the cross-country skiing. If you want to run a marathon on skis, it's your funeral, I won't complain. I'm talking about any of the downhill skiing. You know what would be a better name for those competitions? Gravity. Why not take the mountain out and just have a skydiving competition (come to think of it, I might actually watch that).

Biathlon. This is where people ski around for a while, and every now and then they stop to shoot at targets, with rifles. This actually sounds exciting at first, but watch it sometime, it's like they've intentionally taken out anything that might be fun. I can think of so many things they could do with this event that would make it, quite possibly, the best sport ever. Instead of shooting at stupid targets, what if the athletes were shooting at, I don't know, bears? Instead of using rifles, why not crossbows? What if we got the people drunk first? What if the bears were drunk too? So much untapped potential.

Also, did you know they added snowboarding to the Olympics? More gravity based heroics. Plus, this is basically just skateboarding for people who live in cold places. Also, as I understand it, snowboarders get to strap their feet to the board. I've never been snowboarding, but I skateboarded some when I was a kid, and I would have been a lot better at it if I'd just tied myself to the board the whole time.

I could go on and on about the sports. And I'm not even complaining about figure skating, which actually goes under the not appealing to real sports fans category more than the crappy sports category. The point is, I think it may be time to streamline a little. I know, that would make athletes sad when their sport goes bye bye. By that logic, the NFL should have 2600 teams so everyone can play football. Life's hard, get a helmet.

Poor locations are a problem too. Vancouver isn't too bad. But the last summer games were in China. How are you supposed to get an audience in America when everything good happens at 4 in the morning? The 2002 winter games were in Salt Lake City. Listen, I'm not going to Utah unless I get kidnapped by mormons, I don't care how hot people keep telling me the women are. The 2016 games were just awarded to Brazil. Good luck with that. Bad locations suck all the excitement out of the event.

My last complaint is a small one, but I think it's important. The winter Olympics happen right in the middle of the TV season. Do you really want people watching your TV show and thinking about how much they'd rather be watching a new episode of 30 Rock? Probably not. This just reminds people of how boring your show is.

I have a confession, I'm honestly not sure where I was going with all this. I wanted to do my usual Friday sports thing (posted on Thursday this week because I'm going to a wedding tomorrow), and I know the Olympics are coming up, but I really don't know how to wrap this one up. Usually, I finish up with a big solution to the problem. I really don't know if this one is salvageable. Would less sports make the product better, or just easier to ignore? Would less silly opening ceremonies help? Would it be better if every winter Olympics was held in either Toronto, Calgary or Edmonton? (OK, that one I know, yes, yes it would).

The truth is, I don't know if the Olympics is fixable. But maybe it doesn't need fixing. Not everything needs to be entertaining and marketable. Sometimes, you just get a bunch of people together, and they do stuff, and you figure out who the best is at everything, and then you give out medals. If people want to watch, fine. If they don't, OK. Most things on TV are done for the rest of us, for our entertainment, but that's not what the Olympics is, the Olympics is for the athletes first.

You might have noticed I left out the often voiced complaint that we have too many professionals in the Olympics now. Long before I made a goofy list of complaints about the Olympics, the games complained about themselves. They said "hey, our thing isn't entertaining enough, not enough people watch, let's have some more pro athletes, the best in the world."

So, my message to the IOC wouldn't be a demand for less sports or better locations, it would be this. Stop trying to be something you were never supposed to be, and I'll stop calling you stupid.