Guardians Of The Secret

About three years ago, a friend of mine told me she was a fan of Jackson Pollock's work. I asked if she'd ever seen the movie about Pollock starring Ed Harris. She said she didn't think there really was a movie like that because, if there was, she would have seen it. This presented me with a golden opportunity. By purchasing this movie for my friend, I got to do something nice and be right about something at the same time. That's a perfect storm for me, so I went to Amazon.com, got the movie and gave it to her.

Since then, without fail, Amazon.com sends me an e-mail anytime something new goes on sale that's related to Jackson Pollock, or artists, or art, or colors, or really anything that can be connected in any way to my one purchase. I always laugh a little when I get the e-mails. How do they decide who gets what e-mails? Do they just send me an e-mail every once in a while that tells me about whatever new things are closest to my previous purchase, even if they aren't that close? Or are there certain parameters, and I get an e-mail whenever something new falls into those parameters?

I don't know, and I don't really care either, but I thought of those questions when I heard about the new immigration reform law in Arizona. As I understand it, Arizona law enforcement will be able to ask anyone for identification, specifically proof of U.S. citizenship, if they have a reasonable suspicion that the person might be an undocumented immigrant.

How will they define reasonable suspicion? What will the parameters be? Will they post a Spanish language billboard for free dinero at the police station and arrest anyone who shows up? Will they just stop anyone who seems muy caliente? How exactly does one go about acting like they're here illegally? This seems like a poorly thought out idea. I'm not here to complain about Arizona though. I'm a states rights guy and if they want to try a terrible idea, that's their problem.

On a related topic, Congress is talking about taking on national immigration reform. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has threatened to make it the next issue after financial reform. Alternatively, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is all but begging Reid not to do it. Yesterday, I heard Senator McConnell say that we currently have very high unemployment and we have serious border security issues, so this isn't the time for immigration reform. Wait, what? That sounds like a great time for immigration reform.

Democrats don't really care about immigration, they don't even want a bill. They just want the argument so they can call Republicans racists. It might work too, because some of those guys are racists. Republicans don't really care either, and a lot of them would probably support a bill on immigration reform, but they don't want the argument, because it'll give the Democrats a chance to call them racists.

I think Republicans picture a future time when the mood of the country is different and they can win an immigration reform argument by accusing Democrats of being hippies and leaving the borders open in the name of rainbows and moonbeams, but they know that time isn't now. I also think both parties have a secret. There's actually not a whole lot we can do about illegal immigration from Mexico. Here are some bad ideas that won't work:

#1 That idiot-ass border fence
When I was a kid, there was a fence between the house my family lived in and the neighbors' house. It was literally ten feet out of my way to walk around it. How many times did I climb the fence just for the hell of it? Hundreds, maybe thousands, I don't know, I lost count by the time I turned seven. I know we're building a better fence then the one I climbed as a kid, but unless we're building a magic fence, I'm pretty confident the clever Mexicans will find a way around our super awesome fence technology.

#2 Armed rednecks patrolling the border
I know, if America has a problem that can't be solved by armed rednecks, we may be in trouble. I didn't say I had good news, I'm just telling you what I know. Putting the actual military at the border might work, but they're busy trying to restore order to countries we invaded.

#3 Laws that allow police to ID anyone with brown skin, or a nice tan
I expect the Arizona law to get destroyed in a courtroom somewhere before it ever goes into effect. I hope they televise the case just so I can see if the judge laughs at the people defending it. You never know with judges these days, but I wouldn't get my hopes up for that law.

It's an equilibrium problem. Living in America is awesome, everyone wants to be here, plenty of room to succeed. Mexico, not so much, lots of pressure to leave. So, people will keep flowing from Mexico to America until we reach some kind of equilibrium. This is why you don't see thousands of undocumented Canadians running around putting syrup on everything and robbing people in Minnesota at hockey stick-point. Life in Canada is pretty cool. That leaves us with two things we actually could do...

Possible Solution #1: Fix Mexico
This is the better of the two solutions, but it isn't going to happen. I don't know how much money it would take to make life in Mexico comparable to life in the U.S., but since we're, ya know, massively in debt, I know we don't have it. I guess we could borrow money from China and Japan and give it to Mexico, but I'm not sure how much overall good that would do. This brings us to...

Possible Solution #2: Break America
There are plenty of ways to do this.
-We could do away with our currency and switch to an entirely cheese-based economy (that sounds delicious, doesn't it? Different cheeses would be worth different amounts. It would actually be pretty awesome at first, but eventually it would fail because we'd eat all the money).
-We could genetically engineer an army of killer zombies and unleash them on ourselves.
-We could allow the big banks to use campaign contributions to control both political parties, and therefore the government, leading to an endless cycle of economic failures at the hands of the economic equivalent of war profiteers. (wait, we're already doing that one? Uh oh). I probably won't get a lot of support for possible solution #2.

(Sidenote: I don't really have anything against actual bankers. I interned at a big bank in grad school. Everyone has to make a living, there are plenty of good, regular people working in the financial sector and it isn't their fault that the system is a mess)

I guess there's a third possibility. We could invade Mexico. If you wait around long enough, I'm sure you'll see some intrepid young President come up with an excuse to invade Mexico (manifest destiny!), but until then, like I said, there's nothing we can do.

Afghanistanimation And American Exceptionalism

Super Troopers is a great movie, isn't it? Unfortunately, we don't have time to talk about Car Ramrod and chugging maple syrup, because, as usual, we're like four moves away from world war 3. So, I should talk about how the President just decided to send another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. I should talk about this because it's important, but also because it gives me the opportunity to do something I love doing. I get to completely disagree with both sides of an argument. There was a lot of reaction to President's decision, and I think almost all of it was pretty stupid.

First, you have your conservatives. They started by spending two or three months whining about how the President was taking too long to act. In Sean Hannity's world, you look for excuses to send troops to other countries (especially countries with brown people in them). When you get an excuse, you don't sit around and talk about it. Talking is weak, just like reading and thinking. Then, the announcement came, and they kept complaining. They complained that we're only sending 30,000 troops when General McChrystal asked for 40,000. They complained that we're giving it 18 months before we start bringing troops back home, instead of just saying we're staying until whenever we decide the job is done. They complained that the President's speech wasn't emotional enough, and that he didn't talk about winning enough.

First of all, shut up! You got what you wanted, just stop talking for a little while. There's still plenty to complain about with health care and environmentalism and other scary liberal things. Second, we have to leave sometime. You can't call this operation a success until the United States can leave Afghanistan without it immediately spiraling into chaos. Finally, the speech. I know Dick Cheney's idea of foreign policy is whipping his cock out and waving it at other countries while challenging them to some kind of duel (now that's what I call a metaphor! Also, did I just make you picture Dick Cheney whipping his penis out and waving it around? Your welcome), but in the real world, sending troops into battle isn't exciting or fun or something to get really happy about. I'm glad the President sounded a little somber and even conflicted, it tells me he hasn't forgotten how to be a person yet.

Then, you have your liberals. I think I actually saw Keith Olbermann cry after the announcement (OK, I'm making that up, actually, I'm boycotting Keith until January because I think he talked about Tiger Woods too much and I think he knows better). Liberals would like the war to be over now. Great idea! Hey, speaking of great ideas, I had drinks with a friend Friday night, someone I'm really very fond of, she's the best. I'd like to get her a unicorn for Christmas, I think she'd really like it, it's possible they grant wishes, and I think they do a lot of work with rainbows....aaaaaaand, back to reality! You can't just overthrow a country's government and then leave when it gets messy. Failing to help rebuild Afghanistan after the cold war is how we got here in the first place. I understand we have to leave them on their own eventually, if it becomes clear that it just isn't going to happen there, but I think the President should probably at least, ya know, try first.

I've heard a lot of people lately, on TV and in real life, ask why this is America's job. You could say it's our job because it was our idea to invade in the first place. So the real question is, why was invading in the first place our job? This brings us to American exceptionalism. It seems some people, like the previously mentioned Mr. Cheney, think American exceptionalism means that we're somehow inherently better than other countries. That our values are superior, that we don't have to play by everyone else's rules. That our nuclear weapons are totally cool, but everyone else's are crazy and dangerous. That our god is better than their god. That it's not torture when we do it. These people are idiots.

I do, however, agree that America is an exceptionally good place to live. That's why I always find campaign debates about illegal immigration to be so silly. If we built a 50 foot wall between us and Mexico and covered it in electrified barbed wire, people would still find a way in. Because the crappiest life in America is still better than whatever they're currently doing in Mexico. That's American exceptionalism, it's an awesome place to be. And that's the answer. Why is this all America's job? It's the price we pay for being free, wealthy, healthy and secure all at the same time.

And what do I think about what the President is doing? I think this is why we should vote for the smartest guy and not the most likable guy (we lucked out this time, the smartest guy turned out to be the most likable guy, it won't be so easy next time). I think this is one of those times when being the President is the hardest job in the world. I think this is one of those times when the President earns all the cool perks that go with the job. Inheriting a war is a crappy deal for a President, and two wars are double crappy. The power of the Presidency rests in the office, not in the man who occupies that office. A President has a responsibility to, um, responsibly follow-up on whatever the last guy was doing, even when he doesn't like it. It doesn't mean you can't change course, but you can't change course in a destructive, ya know, catastrophic way.

Truthfully, I don't care what I think, and neither should anyone else, because I've never been to Afghanistan and I have no idea what I'm talking about. Sometimes people forget how our government is designed. The people we elect aren't charged with doing whatever we say. They're charged with doing what they think is best for their district, state and country. If we disagree with their judgment, we get to vote against them next time. I hope the President doesn't listen to polls and opinion journalists on this issue. I hope he listens to his military advisers, and no one else.

What about other politicians? Congress has become incredibly whiny and increasingly hysterical, and I don't really care what they think either. There used to be a saying in Washington, that politics stopped at the water's edge. Not anymore. So, as long as Congress continues to base their opinions on Afghanistan (and Iraq, for that matter) on what they think will get them the most votes, I will continue to call them stupid and say I don't care what they think.

I've decided to shut my brain off on this issue and get behind the President, at least for now. I say we give him some time to try and get this done without having to listen to us bitching about it. Why? Because it's a terrifying world out there, and everyone has guns, or missiles or plutonium, and he's doing the best he can.