Kasich/Rubio 2016!

They had another JV debate today, and I definitely didn't watch it.  Listen, if you're in the JV debate the first time, that's not necessarily your fault.  This is round three though.  If you're still at the kiddie table now, you might want to take the hint.  You are not going to be President Rick Santorum.  I'm sorry man.  You too Lindsay Graham.  You seem like a nice guy, but this is where you get off the train.  I'd like to be President, but none of us are going to be and we just need to move on.

7:55PM: During the pre-debate coverage, CNBC announced that Linsday Graham won the JV debate.  That's just sad.  I feel sad for him.

7:56PM: Some CNBC guy spent a couple of minutes fact-checking the claims the JV guys made about how they've cut spending/taxes/government in the past.  Spoiler alert, they were all lying.  Hey other networks...this is a thing you can do.  You should look into it.

7:58PM: Apparently Lindsay Graham is at least a foot shorter than the other three JV guys.

8:03PM: CNBC's pre-debate round-table was a catastrophe.  They constantly talked over each other.  I don't think I ever heard one person just make a point and finish a sentence without someone else interrupting.  It was like a meeting at a nursery school.

8:10PM: If you say the debate starts at 8, you need to start the debate at 8.  I'm already tired and have a headache.  I think the biggest issue with this pre-debate panel is the lack of a moderator.  I think one guy is supposed to be moderating but he's decided he doesn't care.

8:15PM: CNBC's slogan for election coverage appears to be Your Money, Your Vote.  In some ways, that really couldn't sum up our electoral process better.

8:16PM: Did you know weed is legal in Colorado now?  CNBC does, and they won't shut the fuck up about it.

8:17PM: I don't recognize any of the three moderators I'm looking at, but one of them appears to be named John Hardwood.  I assume CNBC poached him from a lucrative career in porn.  Full disclosure, I don't watch a lot of CNBC.

8:19PM: The moderator who reminds me a little of Lou Diamond Phillips started out by asking the candidates what their weaknesses are.  Kasich came out swinging by pointing out how ridiculous many of the policy proposals of his opponents are.

8:20PM: Five candidates in and nobody has a weakness.  Ben was number six, and his attempt at a weakness was "I never saw myself as President until hundreds of thousands of people told me I needed to do it".  I wish I could disconnect my ears from my brain.

8:23PM: Still no weaknesses.  Man, these guys are all so awesome!  Can they all be President??

8:24PM: Porn star just asked Trump if his campaign is a comic book version of a Presidential campaign.  Zing! Trump's answer included "I love the Mexican people...".  President Trump would make a really good movie, right?

8:27PM: These CNBC people seem to actually understand how economics works.  Run Republicans!  It's a trap!

8:30PM: When you listen to Kasich talk, it's hard to believe that even Republican primary voters would refuse to vote for him just because he might not be mean enough to gay people.

8:31PM: Trump says all of Kasich's success in Ohio was due to fracking and that he was personally responsible for Lehman Bros.  Then he made fun of Kasich for being on the end of the stage.  I still think it's possible that Trump is just doing an impression of himself.

8:34PM: Carly says the tax code has too many pages in it.  Republicans complain about this a lot.  This is a big and complicated country, some of the laws we need to run it might get a little complicated.  Carly says the tax code should only be three pages because that's the longest it could be for a business owner to understand it.  I feel like business owners should be a little insulted.

8:37PM: Rubio says he's running for President now because he can't wait and we can't afford another four years like the last eight years.  That's basically the same argument Barack Obama used.  It worked well for Barack and I think it might work for Rubio too.  Rubes has his serious face on tonight.

8:39PM: Bush says Rubio signed up for a six year Senate term and he should do his job.  Rubio says Jeb didn't complain when John McCain missed votes in the Senate to run for President, and the only reason Jeb is attacking him is because they're running for the same position and someone told Jeb he would benefit from attacking Rubio.  Seriously, Marco isn't screwing around tonight.

8:41PM: Jeb was talking for a while so I went to see if it was still raining outside.  It is, pretty hard too.

8:42PM: Question to Carly...why should we hire her since HP fired her?  She says other tech companies did worse than HP did when she was CEO.  That's true, but a pretty low bar for a Presidential candidate.

8:45PM: Cruz answered a question about the current budget deal by attacking the moderators and saying how unfair all the questions have been.  Lou Diamond Phillips openly mocked him halfway through and then when Cruz was finished said "I just want the record to reflect that I asked you about the debt limit".  Cruz then begged for the chance to actually give an answer and Hardwood said no.  I like CNBC.

8:48PM: Rand, who I usually don't hate, is openly advocating for using the debt limit to force other people to do what he wants.  He's literally making an affirmative argument for political brinkmanship.  It's kind of unbelievable.

8:50PM: Christie is pretty smart.  He's using every question to compare his positions to Hillary Clinton's instead of just arguing with these other fools.  I don't know if it'll work for Chris, but it certainly seems like a good plan.

8:52PM: Huck thinks Christie's plan to make some necessary cuts to entitlements before they go bankrupt is punishing people who receive social security, because Huck is basically a giant child.

8:54PM: Cruz wants to privatize social security.  That's not what he said, but that's what he means.

9:00PM: Trump is rambling about Atlantic City and bankruptcy, finishing with "I used the laws of the country to my benefit".  That's the kind of "fuck you" attitude we need in the White House!

9:01PM: Jim Cramer is suddenly here and I'm already pretty exasperated.  He yelled a question about drug company price gouging at Ben Carson.  Ben somehow blamed too much regulation.

9:03PM: Cramer asked Chris if he thinks GM executives should go to jail because of the whole faulty ignition switch thing.  I don't know, I had one of those, I turned out OK.

9:06PM: Carly likes to ask herself questions and then answer them.  I don't like that.

9:08PM: Carly is much better than these other guys at ignoring the moderators when they try to tell her that her time is up.

9:10PM: Rubio is successfully playing the "I didn't come from money" card.  He's really starting to smell like a nominee to me.

9:12PM: OK that's it.  I'm declaring this nomination process over.  The Republican ticket will be some combination of Kasich and Rubio.  I have spoken.

9:13PM: Five seconds after I typed that Kasich proposed a constitutional amendment to require a balanced budget.  Unless he also has a time machine to take him back to the 19th century, that's a terrible idea.  Let's all just pretend we didn't hear it.

9:14PM: Cruz loves single moms.  He'd better because we'll have a lot more of them after Ted shuts down Planned Parenthood.

9:15PM: Everything Carly says sounds vaguely angry.  If I knew her in real life I would always think she was mad at me.

9:16PM: Ben says you can be perfectly fair to the gay community while also definitely not allowing them to get married.  Apparently they don't teach you the meaning of "fair" in medical school.

9:17PM: Ben says he had "no relationship" with a company that he "gave a couple of speeches for".  Ummm, again, Ben seems to struggle with the definitions of words.

9:24PM: Rubio is in favor of more vocational training for Americans so they can do the high paying tech jobs that currently go to immigrants on H1 visas.  That's not a terrible idea.

9:26PM: Trump takes his turn complaining about the questions.  Then Rubio complained about the main stream media.  That's annoying but good Republican politics so I can't really blame him.

9:27PM: Rick Santelli just asked a very animated question.  Can somebody settle him down a little bit?  This is a debate, not a wrap party for a high school play.

9:29PM: I think I'm ready to officially give up on Rand.  Just because you can talk for a full minute about the Fed doesn't make you your dad.

9:30PM: Seriously, Santelli sounds like he's doing an infomercial for debate questions.  I have no idea what's going on or why he's here.

9:31PM: Ben doesn't know much, but he knows he hates regulations.  Again though, we have clear evidence that Ben may not know what words mean, so who knows what he's trying to say at this point.

9:32PM: Huck likes analogies and balloons.  I think he may be two six-year-olds in a man suit.

9:33PM: Huck says the economy would do better if we just cured diabetes, Alzheimer's, cancer and heart disease.  Yeah!  Why hasn't anyone else thought of curing those diseases?  Stupid politicians, just give us the diabetes cure already!

9:37PM: Rand wants to know the rules on who gets to follow-up.  He probably should have cleared that up before they went on TV.

9:38PM: Some of the other guys are taking Carly's lead on ignoring the moderators.  Hardwood and Lou Diamond Phillips have lost all control.  The lady in the middle, who I've learned is named Becky, seems to still have a little bit of a handle on it.

9:40PM: Kasich seems to be a big states' rights guy.  This always makes me nervous.  Why not just come up with one good idea instead of giving people 50 different opportunities to do something stupid.

9:44PM: Becky went to Trump's website to prove that he was lying in an earlier answer.  Again, other networks, you have the internet too, you can do things like this.

9:45PM: I'm just picturing these guys trying to negotiate a settlement between Israel and Palestine and constantly complaining about the rules of the negotiation, or crying to Putin about Robert's rules of order.

9:48PM: Hardwood asked Huck if he thinks Trump has the moral authority to bring the country together.  That got a boo from the crowd and I have to say, I agree with them this time.  Stupid question Hardwood, go back to porn.

9:50PM: CNBC has a lot of random guest question askers.  How is three not enough moderators?  Coop basically handled the whole CNN debate on his own.  I like these CNBC people, but why are there 6 of them?

9:54PM: Kasich is advocating for having college students do public service to help pay for college.  This is an interesting idea and an important issue.  Lou Diamond Phillips followed up with a question to Jeb about daily fantasy sports.  I think CNBC should quit while they're ahead.

9:56PM: Christie expressed an appropriate amount of anger over the fantasy football question.  I do like Christie sometimes.  Now he's talking about how climate change is a real thing and mocking Hardwood at the same time.  There are absolutely times when I would vote for Christie.

9:58PM: I have to say, I'm watching Christie talk and realizing that Trump has mostly faded into the background of this debate.  I think we might be at the point we've all been waiting for when Trump turns into a pumpkin.  My sense is he won't go quietly.

9:59PM: I think Rand Paul almost just said fuck.  I really think that just almost happened.

10:03PM: Huck wanted to take another chance to say we should cure diseases.  Can we just stipulate that we all would like to cure diseases?

10:05PM: Trump's economic plan is to "make a really dynamic economy".  He's like a puppet who's ventriloquist has wandered off.  It's just all nonsense now.

10:08PM: I have to stop listening to Ben because he doesn't know what words mean and it makes everything really confusing and a little frustrating.  He was also genuinely funny, even clever, in earlier debates.  He's not doing that tonight.

10:11PM: Marco is pro-mom.  Not all moms, just his mom.

10:12PM: Carly wants to use zero based budgeting for the government.  Way to end the debate.  People need to go to sleep now.

Closing Statements
-Rand likes small government.  Try to hide your surprise.
-Chris hates Washington and loves meatball sandwiches.
-Ted says he stands up against Washington.  He mentioned a lot of things he failed at.
-Carly moves her head a lot when she talks.  She says she will beat Hillary Clinton, possibly with her bare hands.
-Ben thanked the audience for paying attention, and didn't seem to know what to do with his hands.
-Trump says we're losers but he'll make us winners again.
-Rubio says he owes a debt to America he can never repay.
-Jeb says America is at a crossroads.  He then sang that Bone Thugs N Harmony song from beginning to end.  It was hauntingly beautiful.
-Huck said some words.  I've completely given up on Huck.
-Kasich says America is great from the bottom up.

I think Marco and Christie did really well.  Kasich was solid too, but I always think that and nobody ever agrees.  See you next time.

This Cable News Network Goes to 11

I'm sorry.  There were two debates tonight and I just, I didn't have the patience or energy to watch the first one.  To be honest, it looked pretty sad to me.  It was just Jindal, Pataki, Santorum and Graham.  I thought Rick could be a real guy this time around.  I was wrong.  I also thought Pataki might not be a terrible candidate.  Wrong again.  Sorry guys.  I hope you enjoy appearing on cable news shows.

More importantly, how did CNN decide the numbers for these two debates?  Four, and then eleven.  Fox had ten in the main debate, and then everyone else in the other one.  Ten makes sense.  People love top ten lists.  CNN went with eleven.  This cable news network goes to eleven.

Tonight's debate is coming to us from the Reagan Library.  It's like a Republican theme park where they go every four years to pretend that our worst President was actually our best President.  He was a corporate whore with a jelly bean fetish.  I don't understand why these people are so fascinated by him.  It's going to be a long night, I'd better settle down.

8:10PM: This debate is airing around the world, says Jake Tapper.  That's pretty embarrassing.  Also, Tapper seems to be moderating this debate, along with Hugh Hewitt and Dana Bash.  Didn't CNN used to have journalists?  Is Tapper a journalist?  I honestly don't know.

8:13PM: Huckleberry just referred to the 11 people currently on stage as "The A Team", and he's casting Trump as Mr. T.  Way to relate to the young people Huck!

8:13PM: Rubio says he brought his own water because he knows California has a drought.  Hilarious Rubes!  People have no water to drink!  LOLZ!  It's funny because we're all going to die.

8:15PM: Trump says that he's made billions and billions of dollars but he made it clear that he was saying it "not in a braggadocious way".  Sadly, I think Trump honestly believes that's how not bragging works.

8:16PM: Carly stared awkwardly at the camera for about three seconds before she started talking.  I'm pretty sure that's the end of her campaign.

8:17PM: Kasich said hello to his kids in the introductions.  Feels like the move of somebody who isn't 100% sure he'll be around for the next debate.

8:18PM: Christie directed the camera to face the audience instead of him.  He's fun.  Can we keep him for a little longer?

8:20PM: Tapper asked Carly if she'd be comfortable with Trump's finger on the button, she didn't answer.  The correct answer is no.  Trump's response was to point out that Rand Paul shouldn't be on the stage.  Rand correctly pointed out the non-sequitur and called Trump sophomoric.  Trump responded by saying he's never attacked Rand on his appearance even though "there's plenty of subject matter there".  It's like Trump is doing a perfect Trump impression.

8:22PM: Walker..."Jake, Jake, Jake....Jake!".  Tapper ignored him.

8:23PM: Trump keeps responding to questions about his temperament by attacking random people who weren't part of the question.

8:25PM: Walker (after Tapper finally called on him) about Trump: "just because he says it doesn't mean it's true".  That's a good point, but in this case Trump was talking about the terrible economic job Walker has done in Wisconsin, which is 100% true, sooooo....

8:26PM: Kasich begs Tapper to get to the issues.  I think John may be confused about what network he's on.  Tapper followed that by asking Christie about something mean Ben Carson may or may not have said about Christie.  Take that, issues!

8:30PM: Tapper is going to keep asking questions about Trump and you can't stop him.  This one was about how Trump isn't bought and paid for by donors.  Bush says the only donor that tried to get him to do something was Trump, who wanted casino gambling in Florida.  Trump says that isn't true.  One of them is lying.  I'm pretty sure I know who, but I wish Tapper would try to find out.

More importantly, I love the distinction Trump is making here.  He's saying all these people are whores, but he's not.  Good point, Trump's more of a slut.  He acts like a whore, but you don't have to pay him.

8:34PM: Huckleberry, Rubio and Cruz have literally had no opportunities to speak since the introductions.  We're 25 minutes in.  Tapper, with apparently no interest in hearing from all of the candidates, asks Trump another question.

8:36PM: Rubio says Putin is trying to usurp our role in the middle east.  Why is that a bad thing?  If you've been carrying around a bag of dog shit for 70 years and then some Russian guy shows up and tries to steal your bag of dog shit, you don't really put up much of a fight.  Please Vlad, take it.

8:38PM: Carly wants to arm Jordan and the Kurds.  Is the plan to try to give weapons to every single faction in the middle east and see if maybe one of them doesn't eventually wind up shooting them at us?  How's that working out so far?

8:40PM: I think Ted Cruz doesn't understand that if you print out a copy of a law and rip it up, that doesn't mean it's not a law anymore.  That's strange because he's supposedly a lawyer.

8:43PM: Kasich and Rand have spent the last few minutes talking about how we shouldn't make rash decisions in foreign policy.  These other guys disagree, and I fear Republican primary voters will too.

8:44PM: Still nothing from Huck.  Can we send someone to his podium to check out the situation over there?

8:45PM: In a huge upset, Jeb is the first person to suck up to Israel.  I'm shocked.

8:48PM: Rand points out that if we had bombed the Assad regime years ago like these other people wanted to and still wish he had, ISIS would be in control of everything in Syria by now.  That's a good and accurate point, and Tapper has no follow up for anyone.

8:51PM: Tapper has no control.  He just said he wanted to go to Dana Bash.  Kasich said no and just started talking, and then Carly called next.  Tapper then moved on to Cruz and Huck, with Carly still calling next.

8:53PM: Huck says that the Supreme Court decided to redefine marriage "out of thin air".  Thin air, the 14th amendment, whatever.  For the record, I don't understand why they threw that county clerk lady in jail, but I also don't understand why she wasn't just fired for refusing to do her job.  Kentucky's a strange place though so who knows.

8:57PM: Kasich says you can get things done without shutting down the federal government.  He's getting the confused dog face from Cruz.

9:00PM: Would Chris Christie support shutting down the government over Planned Parenthood?  In a touching homage to political brinkmanship, Christie says yes and says they should force the President to do what he's threatening to do.

9:02PM: Carly is very angry about Planned Parenthood.  Like really really angry.  Uncomfortably angry.  It got her a standing ovation.

9:04PM: Trump says "I will take care of women, I respect women".  Nothing in the history of Donald Trump suggests that's true, but OK.

9:07PM: Trump's response to the question about him calling Carly ugly "I think she's got a beautiful face and she's a beautiful woman".  Perfect.

9:13PM: Immigration policy time.  Ben Carson's casual mention of the fact that you can cut holes in fences pretty much ruins the immigration policy of everyone on the stage.

9:15PM: Tapper says we're going to Dana Bash for more about immigration.  Translation: Dana's going to ask a question about something Donald Trump said about Jeb's wife being a Mexican.  Journalism!

9:18PM: Apparently Trump's plan for undocumented immigrants involves moving all of them out, but then letting the great ones and the good ones come back.  And also speaking English.

9:20PM: We seem to be talking about whether or not it's appropriate for Presidential candidates to answer questions in Spanish.  Rubio says he gives interviews in Spanish so that people who don't speak English yet will hear directly from him and not some translator at Univision.  What?  What a strange reason to give.

9:22PM: When all the other guys start falling all over themselves to say how much they like and respect you, that means they have internal polling that says you can't possibly beat them.  Hasta la vista Ben Carson.

9:26PM: Trump says we're the only ones stupid enough to have birthright citizenship.  Yeah!  Take your American exceptionalism and shove it up your ass!  Stop being so stupid!

9:30PM: Every time Tapper says he's going to ask a question about an issue, he starts off with some Trump insult about another candidate that's vaguely related to that issue.  Why can't he just ask Carly why her time at HP was disastrous?  Why does he need a Trump quote for that?

9:32PM: Trump says Carly can't run any of his companies.  I assume that's because he doesn't think she's pretty enough.  Carly responds by pointing out that Trump has run four different businesses into bankruptcy.  Trump mostly just laughs whenever someone brings that up.  

9:34PM: Christie says construction workers couldn't care less about Trump and Carly's careers.  It's not just construction workers, but I agree with his basic point.

9:35PM: Apparently Tapper's one and only rule is that if someone else mentions your name, then you get to talk for a while.  You don't necessarily have to respond to what they said, or talk about the same thing they were talking about.  It's like a game of hide and seek where everyone gets to hide whenever they want but nobody ever has to seek.

9:38PM: Huck is still pushing the fair tax.  He properly explained it as a tax on consumption rather than on what you earn.  That sounds really good, except that in practice it's incredibly regressive and just awful for working people.  Rich people use a small percentage of their money to buy stuff, so a fair tax only taxes a small percentage of their money.  Poor and working people use all of their money to buy stuff they need to live like food and shelter, so a consumption tax is, for them, not totally awesome.

9:41PM: Carson seems to be in favor of direct democracy, as he's referenced getting the government out of the way and letting the people make decisions multiple times.  If I can make a serious point, this is why people who don't know anything about government make bad candidates.  There's a huge difference between what Ben is talking about and the system of government we actually have.  Ben's not a dumb guy, but government isn't his field.  People who don't understand how government works (Ben, Trump, Carly) make bad candidates.  If you have a broken toilet and you hire a plumber who does a crappy job, and then another plumber who does another crappy job, you don't go out and see if a bus driver can fix your toilet.  You go out and find a better plumber, even though you're getting really sick of plumbers.  Ben is probably smarter than a plumber, but I bet he can't fix your toilet.

9:45PM: I swear I think Kasich might actually make a decent President.  I'm sure I don't agree with him on everything, but he seems pretty reasonable.

9:47PM: Carly is a whirlwind of Fox News talking points about Hillary Clinton.  Smart Republicans would stop talking about Benghazi and just talk about the email thing, which is a real thing even though Democrats don't want it to be.

Apparently, this CNN debate is three hours long.  I call shenanigans on that.  I have an hour and a half of this in me, two hours tops.  And that's on a good day, which this week has not included.  I'm done with you CNN.  You can't hold me hostage for three hours.  Let's say Kasich won because I can always hope for a candidate that I don't hate voting for.

The Big Show

I have to say that I'm not a big fan of how Fox is handling this first debate.  For one thing, I don't understand why they felt the need to do one real debate with the top ten candidates in the polls and then one much less real debate with the other seven.  It kind of seems like we're saying that if you aren't polling in the top ten in August, you don't have a real chance to win.  That might be true for some people, but it still seems a little early for that kind of weeding out. 

Why not do two debates and just randomly split the field?  Or, since we're doing more than one debate anyway, why not split the field into three debates randomly so everyone gets a chance to actually talk.  You could run them on three consecutive nights.  How would this not be good television for Fox?  Why am I the only one around here thinking with my brain?

I suppose the concern is that if you did three debates on three consecutive nights, the people in the third debate would have an advantage, having heard what the people in the earlier debates said and how the audience responded to it.  Maybe they'd even have a night to poll test some stuff.  Honestly though, the chances of any of these people saying something they haven't said 100 times before is pretty minimal. 

Also, Fox is a news network.  Can't they exercise some editorial judgment here and not just blindly go with the polls?  We all know Ben Carson and Ted Cruz aren't going to be President.  Meanwhile, some of the guys at the kiddie debate were at least serious people, who probably will also not be President, but still.  You don't have to like him, but Rick Perry was the Governor of a huge state for 15 years, and tonight he debated at 5PM because Ben Carson and Donald Trump are polling well with people who couldn't find the United States on a map of North America.  Fox is making me feel sorry for Rick Perry and Rick Santorum.  My two least favorite Ricks.  I don't like this.  Let's just get started, OK?

Tonight's debate is being moderated by Chris Wallace, Bret Baier and Megyn Kelly.  Wallace is the closest thing Fox has to a real journalist, and I'm not entirely sure why he can't just moderate this debate on his own.  The other two...well...Megyn Kelly has done this before at least, but that doesn't mean she did it well.  And Bret Baier?  You'd have a better debate if you replaced him with an actual bear.  Where's Shepard Smith when you need him?

8:50PM - It appears that between the first debate and now, everyone on Fox agreed that Carly Fiorina won the first debate.  That was not what I saw, but I have to admit that Brit Hume probably knows what Republican primary voters like better than I do.

8:53PM - Fox's pre-debate panel appears to be getting paid by the number of times they say Donald Trump's name.

8:56PM - Megyn had to call the candidates out four or five times before they actually came out to the stage.  Looks like nobody went to rehearsal.

8:57PM - Just a super weird start.  All ten guys came out and stood in a line in front of the podiums while Megyn and Bret peppered them with questions like "Are you nervous?" and "What do you think of this crowd?".  Then Bret finally let them go to their podiums.  Then Megyn said these guys are probably all glad Carly Fiorina isn't here.  Seriously, did I watch the wrong debate this afternoon?

9:01PM - Fox has been asking viewers to submit questions via Facebook that they can use during the debate.  I always hate that.  You have a whole network full of supposed journalists, but your game plan involves taking questions from internet trolls.  Every network does this, and it is always stupid.

9:04PM - Bret starts by asking the candidates to raise their hand if they will not make a pledge to support the eventual winner and not run an independent campaign if they lose.  Trump's hand went up immediately, saying that he needs to respect the winner.  Rand Paul jumped right on him saying that Trump is used to buying politicians so he's already hedging his bets (in case the eventual winner can't be bought, is I assume Rand's point).  Rand should have won that exchange pretty easily, but the crowd's reaction was sort of mixed.  I think it scares Republicans that Trump is bringing people into the process that are loyal to Trump but not the party, or reality.

9:08PM - Solid minute from Rubio about how this election can't just be about resumes, and he'll make the Republicans the party of the future.  Make a note to keep an eye on Rubio, he may actually know stuff.

9:10PM - Bush says "In Florida, they called me Jeb because I earned it".  I don't know what that means, but I guess Jeb is a compliment in Florida. 

9:11PM - Megyn was trying to ask Trump about his habit of calling women fat pigs and disgusting animals.  His response was 1) be completely dismissive of Megyn 2) say he doesn't have time for political correctness and 3) threaten to stop being nice to Megyn.  There you go.

9:14PM - Ted Cruz still looks like a muppet.

9:15PM - Bret asked Christie about New Jersey being an economic catastrophe.  Christie responded "if you think it's bad now, you should have seen it when I got there".  Yikes.  Then Christie rattled off a list of Republican economic policies that he put into place in New Jersey.  After years of deficit cutting and regulation busting, New Jersey is a dumpster fire.  Ummm, Chris needs to re-group a little.  Somebody get him a meatball sandwich.

9:18PM - Huckabee suggests using the 5th and 14th amendments to outlaw abortion under all circumstances saying "the Supreme Court is not the supreme being".  Roe v Wade happened in 1973.  Same sex marriage supporters should make a note of that.  That argument is far from over for people like Mike.

9:19PM - Rand is having fun pointing out that ISIS rides around in a billion dollars worth of U.S. Humvees.  Rand then suggested that maybe we shouldn't be handing out weapons all over the middle east.  What an interesting idea.  Maybe don't give everyone weapons.  Can we do that?

9:21PM - John Kasich is pretty good at debating.  He successfully defended his use of the Medicare expansion and then talked about providing care for mentally ill people.  Put Kasich in my maybe column for now.

9:23PM - Jeb proposed fixing immigration instead of using it as a wedge issue.  Trump hasn't insulted anyone in a few minutes so he has to be getting pretty punchy.

9:24PM - Trump, "if it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be talking about illegal immigration".  OK well that's not true, but that never stops Donald.  Wallace asked him twice what specific evidence he has that the Mexican government is sending criminals over the border.  In a shocking twist, Trump was not able to provide evidence. 

9:31PM - Wallace keeps trying to ask about illegal immigration.  Nobody seems to want to answer him, except to say that everyone is in favor of building a giant wall.  Rubio finally pointed out that someone could dig a tunnel under the wall.  Put Marco in the maybe column too, even though he's still in favor of building the giant wall even though he openly admits walls are pretty easy to conquer.

9:35PM - Ted Cruz is not for amnesty.  He is very much for hearing the sound of Ted Cruz' voice.

9:36PM - Christie was apparently appointed to his job in the Bush administration on September 10, 2001.  Sounds like Chris would be a hell of a good luck charm.  I wouldn't go to Atlantic City with him.

9:38PM - Rand says we need to use the 4th amendment to get warrants to collect records from terrorists and not collect records from other people.  Chris is not a fan of getting warrants.  Chris also appears to be employing the Guliani style "September 11th is the answer to every question" strategy.  I don't recall that working out too well for Rudy.

9:40PM - Apparently multiple people, including military Generals and the State department, have told Ted that you can't defeat ISIS until you change the situation on the ground in Iraq and Syria so it's not so conducive to radicalization.  Ted thinks the idea that there's not a military solution to ISIS is nonsense.  You can see why I find the idea of a Cruz Presidency slightly problematic.

9:42PM - Jeb admits that he wouldn't have gone into Iraq knowing now that the intelligence was faulty, rejecting Megyn's argument that since people died in Iraq it isn't OK to say it was a mistake.  That was pretty good.  His answer to what he would do now was less good.

9:44PM - Ben Carson says "I wasn't sure I was going to get to talk again".  Like Kelly, Wallace and Baier, I had pretty much forgotten Ben was there.  He gave an answer similar to what Bobby Jindal said earlier, saying that everything will be OK if we just stop fighting politically correct wars and let the military do whatever they want. 

9:46PM - Trump wanted to quickly point out that he was always opposed to the Iraq War.  Good for him.  Then he said that single payer health care would have worked in another age in America, whatever that means, but now we need a private system.  I can't imagine Trump actually knows anything about health care, except that he hates having to give it to employees.

9:48PM - This is why Trump is doing well.  Sometimes he says things that are true.  He explained his donations to many politicians, Democrats and Republicans, including Hillary Clinton, by saying that if you give them money they do what you want, and that's a broken system.  Can't argue with him on that.

9:51PM - The question to Huckabee was "Is the government to big for anyone to shrink it?".  Huckabee started by saying no, but then talked for a minute about all the ways the federal government is too big.  I think Huckabee thinks no means yes.

9:52PM - Carson appears to be advocating for a flat tax, based on his feeling that the bible supports a flat tax.  It'll be fun to have Ben around for a while.

9:53PM - Jeb said a lot about education, but all I heard was "challenging the teacher's unions and beating them".  Yes please!  I'm very pro-union, but teachers unions are the absolute worst.

10:00PM - Kasich was asked how he would fight Hillary Clinton's argument that Republicans want to oppress women and take the country back to the past.  He said he would respond by balancing budgets.  I think he skipped a step or two.

10:01PM - Same question to Carson.  First he slipped in a doubt that Hillary will actually be the candidate (slick move), then he said he would educate people about how progressives are really causing the problems in this country.  Any political operative will tell you that if you're educating, you're losing.

10:03PM - Wallace asked Jeb how he would get us to 4% growth.  His answer mostly boiled down to cutting taxes and making a wish.  I'm officially worried about Jeb.

10:04PM - Walker keeps bragging about how he's been elected 3 times in Wisconsin.  He keeps leaving out the fact that that's because they tried to recall him twice. 

10:06PM - Wallace asked Christie if Huckabee is lying when he says he can save social security without cutting benefits or raising the retirement age.  Christie said "No, he's not lying, he's just wrong."  This is why people like Christie.  That's both honest and a little funny, and also true.  I'm glad he took that sandwich break.

10:07PM - Huckabee still says he can save social security without cutting benefits or raising the retirement age, you just have to institute his fair tax.  Huckabee makes a good point, which is that people didn't opt into social security.  The government started taking their money when they started working and they didn't get a choice, so it's not their fault the system is in trouble.  All true, but life's not fair and magic tax plans won't fix social security.  People are going to have to deal with a raised retirement age eventually.  That's just the way it is.

10:11PM - Wallace pointed out that four Trump companies have gone bankrupt, but Trump responded that he's never personally gone bankrupt.  Wallace asked him about one specific deal where his lenders lost over a billion dollars and 1,100 jobs.  Trump basically said that the lenders deserved it and everybody in Atlantic City goes bankrupt.  I have to give Wallace some credit.  He really has been trying to call Trump out on his bullshit, but Trump just keeps responding with louder bullshit and Wallace only has two hours. 

10:14PM - I know these guys genuinely believe that cutting corporate taxes will help working people.  It's just that there is zero evidence to support that hypothesis and it's really frustrating.

10:16PM - They just showed a clip of the earlier debate.  One thing I didn't notice before, Carly Fiorina's hair appeared to be dyed to match her jacket.  That's an odd choice.

10:17PM - Rand made a legitimate point about the Iran deal.  He thinks the Obama administration gave up too much too early.   You can disagree, but that's a perfectly reasonable critique and certainly better than the "I would tear up that deal on day one because freedom" answer we're getting from everyone else.

10:24PM - Question to Jeb about him being on the board of the Bloomberg foundation, which gave money to Planned Parenthood.  He says they never had a debate about the budget and he was just on the board because of Bloomberg's commitment to education.  OK then.

10:25PM - Rubio swears he's never supported a rape and incest exception to his anti-abortion stance.   Just tell me how this isn't big government.  I just want an explanation.

10:26PM - Question to Trump..."when did you actually become a Republican?".  He says he's evolved on abortion and he's pro-life now.  He said it very angrily, as he says all things all the time.

10:28PM - Can we all just agree that everyone here is anti-choice?  Do we really have to go through this every four years.  We all know the Republican nominee will be anti-choice.  Why do we have to compete every election cycle to see which guy is the most anti-choice?  Seems like a poor use of time.

10:30PM - Kasich just got applause for going to a same sex wedding.  The home crowd cheered pretty loudly for him.  John stays in the maybe column, but this probably means Fox will declare him the clear loser of the debate.

10:32PM - Rand says he's opposed to the government invading the church.  Luckily, so is the government, so we're all good there.

10:35PM - Racial issues question to Walker.  He looks terrified.  He says police need better training and we should treat everyone the same here in America.  Score one generic answer for Scott.

10:38PM - Trump just recommend buying stock in Iran.  I think he was kidding but I can't say I'm 100% sure.

10:39PM - Bret asked Cruz if Russia and China are cyber terrorists.  Bret was just baiting Ted, and boy did Ted take the bait.  Has Ted mentioned that he opposes the Iran deal?  He does.

10:40PM - Republicans keep pointing out that Iran released hostages the day Reagan was elected.  If Iran released some hostages the day Obama was elected these guys would have marched on Washington and screamed about how Iran sees Obama as an ally because he's a secret Muslim.  I'd love to see a Republican debate where nobody is allowed to mention Reagan.  It would last 7 minutes before they all ran away.

10:42PM - Scott Walker would apparently send weapons to anyone who wanted them.  Can we just have one 10 minute discussion about the history of arming everyone who claims to be on our side at any one point in history?  Just once.  Please?

10:43PM - Huckabee feels that the purpose of the military is protecting Americans and not being nice to transgender people.  I'm glad President Huckabee feels like he'd be OK as President turning away willing and able military volunteers.

10:45PM - Rand says it would be better if Israel was independent and we didn't have to keep sending them money we don't have.  That's the exact same argument Republicans make about poor people, but for some reason Republicans don't like it when you replace poor people with Israel.

10:46PM - Christie wants to make the Navy bigger again.  He's really worried about the Spanish Armada.  You never know when they'll show up.

10:50PM - A Facebook questioner asked if any of these guys have received specific instructions from god.  Please someone say yes.  Please!

10:51PM - Sadly, even Cruz didn't take the bait on the talking to god question.  Disappointing.

10:52PM - Kasich just talked for a minute about uniting the country, listening to other people and not leaving anyone behind.  I'm a hard maybe on Kasich right now.

10:54PM - Rubio says god has blessed the Republican party with some great candidates when the Democrats can't even find one.  Then he talked about reforming the VA.  Rubio may have something for the rest of these guys.  Keep an eye on him.

10:56PM - Carson says he doesn't talk about race that much because he's a neurosurgeon.  I thought that was a pretty good line.  Ben's not going to win, but he's pretty funny sometimes.

Summary of the closing statements:
Kasich - He talked about having a lot of experience.  I think John may be a pretty good candidate, but he needs to work on being less boring.
Christie - Chris' dad worked in an ice cream plant.  That explains some things.  He again mentioned that he was appointed to the Bush administration on September 10, 2001.  Seriously, I wouldn't stand next to him anywhere.
Paul - Rand made an electability argument and said he's a different kind of Republican.
Rubio - Rubio wants expand the American dream for more people.
Cruz - Ted gave one of those nonsense day one plans.  Booooo!  Ted's first day would have approximately 910 hours in it.
Carson - Carson says that everyone is bragging about the things that they were the only one to do, and then says "I'm the only one to separate Siamese twins."  Then he says he thought he was the only one to take out half a brain, but when he gets to Washington he may find that someone beat him to it.  Seriously, Ben's funny.
Huckabee -  Huckabee tried to be funny.  Huck isn't funny though.
Walker - "I'm a guy with a wife and two kids and a Harley".  Ugh. 
Bush - Jeb tried to jam his whole platform into 30 seconds.  Always a mistake.
Trump - I think he just called America a loser.

Man, that was long.

I Wasn't Gonna Say Anything

Seriously, I wasn't.  I haven't posted anything in a while because I really haven't felt like it, and certainly this stupid duck dynasty thing wasn't going to be what sucked me back in.  It's right in the middle of my winter break man.  I mean, I'm trying to relax and re-read The Sun Also Rises over here.  Even the recent stupid budget deal* wasn't enough to get me back here.  Why would I come back for something that involves ducks?  And not even real ducks?

*Sidenote: The recent budget deal is stupid because we still have the debt limit coming up and the only reason a budget deal happened is so Republicans can hold the debt limit hostage and say "hey, you can't get mad at us about this because look we did a budget deal".  Stupid.

Listen, I can't even count how many ways this duck dynasty thing is stupid.  First of all, why is GQ asking this guy about social issues?  Clearly the intent was to bait him into saying something ignorant and rednecky, and being an ignorant redneck, he was happy to oblige.  More importantly, why is GQ interviewing this guy at all?  It's not like he's some business genius, he didn't invent the iPod.  His family invented a thing that sounds just enough like a duck (or something ducks like, I don't really know) that it helps other rednecks murder ducks for fun.  Hunting is stupid and I don't want to know what Charles Manson's grandpa over there thinks about anything.

I also don't care that he's on TV.  He's not the anchor of the CBS evening news, he's on a reality show.  And it's not even a good reality show.  For $10,000 I couldn't tell you why anyone watches that show.  Here's what I knew about that show before this month:
1) Beards
2) Something about ducks
3) Beards Again
In the last week or so I've learned that at least one of them hates homosexuals, and also that they're from Louisiana.

If I had known those last two things before I'm confident I still wouldn't have been watching.  I don't recall anyone sitting Snooki down and asking her for her thoughts on health care (I certainly hope that never happened).  You know why?  Because nobody cares what she thinks because she's a moron and so is the duck dynasty guy.  If they weren't morons, they wouldn't be on reality TV.

I also have no problem with how A&E has been handling this situation.  Yes, nobody should care about what Captain Beardface thinks, but when somebody reveals himself to be a bigoted asshole, then you have to stop giving him a microphone and a podium.  It's a really simple decision.  And even if I didn't like what A&E was doing, what could I do about it?  There is no possible way I could watch A&E less than I already do.

I'm also not surprised or in any way interested by the predictable feigned outrage from the Christian right.  I already knew they can't possibly go five minutes without claiming to be persecuted in a country where they are the overwhelming majority.  My only regret here is that this new fake persecution interrupted the last bit of fake persecution we were discussing, and I have to say that listening to people on Fox insisting that Santa Claus is factually white was more fun than talking about the duck guy.

I'm also not surprised by the fact that everyone is ignoring the equally insidious comments this guy made about how black people in the south were perfectly happy before the civil rights movement.  Yes, Mr. Robertson, I too find it hard to believe that no black person ever sought out you and your armed redneck ancestors to tell you how much they would have enjoyed equality.  I'm sure if they had you would have assisted them immediately and we wouldn't have even needed a civil rights movement.

All of these points are incredibly obvious and none of them inspired me to come sit here and type for an hour.  But I have many weaknesses, and one of them is my inability to look away when I know something stupid is happening.  This usually leads me to watching Fox News when nobody should ever be doing that, and it did so again yesterday.  I heard Fox's own Governor Huckleberry was going to be on Fox News Sunday to talk about, among other things, the duck dynasty guy.  Sigh.  I should have just kept watching football, but I couldn't help myself.

I used to sort of like Huckleberry.  He was always way too christy for me, Huck never shuts up about his invisible friend.  But, the old Huck spent more time talking about good things like feeding hungry people and helping poor people than he did talking about how the gays were ruining America.  I even remember him being sort of cordial about abortion.  As Chris Wallace pointed out at the beginning of yesterday's interview, Huck has a reputation for being a conservative, but not being angry about it, and that used to be mostly true.

But recently Huck has been become less of a reality-based political figure and more of a Fox News bizarro world political figure.  As a guy on Fox, Huck has to uphold a certain standard of nonsense in order to keep up with his colleagues.  Since Huck can't really manufacture the indignant anger of, say, a Bill O'Reilly, he has to do it another way.  So, Huck has become Fox's go to guy for fake persecution of Christians.  It's a sad end to a mediocre political career.

So Huck starts with the usual bible nonsense.  First of all, do you know how many people we'd be stoning to death every day if we actually lived by that book?  Honestly, nobody would have time for blogging or fake TV outrage or reality TV, we'd all be stoning people to death all day until we worked on Saturday or something and got stoned to death ourselves.  Of course, we'd have slaves, so maybe they could do the stoning for us.

But also, who cares what the bible says?  The old testament was written like 3,000 years ago.  Those people didn't even know where the sun went at night.  Why would I let them tell me what to do?  Seriously, sometimes I can't understand what's wrong with people.

Anyway, that was predictable, and this next bit was too but it still pisses me off.  Huck said that he is tolerant of people who have a different view of gay marriage than he does (how sporting of him) but he won't tolerate the intolerance directed at what he called old fashioned values.  He went on to claim that that this is a new level of bullying.

Come on, Huck.  I'm disappointed in you.  This is Fox's favorite trick.  Every time a Republican says something racist, they remind us that Barack Obama hates white people, so this whole racism thing is kind of everybody's fault and if you point out racism you're actually being a reverse racist so you should probably just shut up.  This trick with tolerance is the same thing.  If you point out that someone is being bigoted and intolerant, say by comparing homosexual relationships to bestiality, then you're actually a reverse bigot and a bully and you should probably just shut up.

Sidenote: This is the first time I've ever typed the word bestiality.  What happened to the "a" in beast.  Why isn't it in there?  That's weird to me.  Anyway...

Sorry Huckleberry, that's not how tolerance works.  You can say intolerant things if you want, but you don't get to do the double tolerance thing where nobody gets to call you a bigot.  Tolerance isn't like base where the first person to run to it wins.  If you're being intolerant then the rest of us get to call you a bigot and you just have to sit there and be a bigot.  And no, the fact that you claim your invisible friend agrees with you doesn't help.  The voices in my head always agree with me.

But that wasn't even my favorite part.  Huckleberry ended by trying to soften his position on homosexuality by saying that homosexuality isn't any different than any other sin.  It's just like if you lust after a woman, that's a sin too.  We're all sinners, says Huck.  That's great.  See?  God doesn't hate homosexuals, he hates everyone.  Feel better now?  For some reason, Huck thinks you should.

I changed the channel back to football once Wallace asked Huck if he was running for President in 2016.  I honestly don't want to know.  I'm obviously not voting for Huckleberry, but if he winds up running against Hillary Clinton I'll need to buy a boat and go live at sea for at least four years.  I heard Elizabeth Warren might run.  That's probably not true, and she probably couldn't win anyway.  I'd vote for Elizabeth Warren, she's smart and actually, ya know, believes in things, but she's also not awesome at running for office and when I say she's smart I mean "she's smart and would therefore make a good President" but other people will say the same thing and mean "look at her thinkin she's all better than us with her fancy book learnin".

No, I'm not getting sucked back into the 2016 election again.  I stand by my earlier predictions and Huck's sudden interest certainly doesn't change anything.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Mr. ducky duck.  I'm sure he'll be back on the show eventually and Fox will call it a great victory for values or free speech or whatever, but it'll really just be a small victory for nonsense.

Old people say crazy stuff all the time, and that's just the way it is, but I don't get why a whole news network and half the country feels the need to reflexively back this guy up.  I honestly don't understand people sometimes.

The Huckleberry Forum

First of all, goodbye Herman Cain.  I thought he'd be around a little longer, at least until he finished 5th in Iowa, but alas, Herman has 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.  My favorite part of his announcement was when he said "I'm not going to be silenced".  Nobody is trying to silence you, you crazy paranoid moron! 

On a related and sadder note, I don't think I can write about the debates anymore.  Where will the funny come from without Cain?  I mean other than Newt, and Santorum, and Perry, and Bachmann.  On second thought, I think we're still OK.

One of the silliest things you can find on your TV is Fox's weekly Huckleberry show.  Every Saturday at 8PM, former Governor, former Presidential candidate and current Fox employee Mike Huckabee hosts an hour long combo of the Hannity show, Dr. Phil, televangelism and SNL.  It's hard to nail down exactly what he does each week, but you can usually find some politics, some people that found jesus at some point and a musical act, which sometimes features Mr. Huckleberry himself on the base guitar. 

Personally, I can't understand why Mike didn't do better when he ran for President.  He's super likable, even if you don't like his politics.  And even though he's also super jesus-y, which is usually a deal breaker for me, even I find him pretty tolerable.  He just kind of seems like a genuinely decent dude. 

My best theory is, he's an actual jesus person.  He's not like the rest of these Republican candidates, who are all for jesus as long as they can ignore all that hippie shit in the new testament.  I think this makes Republicans nervous that Huckleberry may not loathe the poor enough to be their standard bearer.  They're probably right.

Anyway, this week's Huckleberry show is a special edition.  Mike has hired three idiots to help him ask questions of six of the seven remaining Republican candidates (no Huntsman.  Having worked for Comrade Obama, I'm pretty sure he's not allowed in the Fox studios).  Instead of being there all at the same time, it looks like they're talking to the candidates one at a time.  This is close enough to being a debate to catch my attention, although I'm not 100% sure this will turn out readable.  Let's find out.

Huck just introduced the three idiots asking the questions.  They're three Republican Attorneys General.  Oh fun!  That's gonna make it pretty hard for Newt to complain about unfair liberal media questions.  It's also gonna make it unlikely that I'll hear anything that even resembles a good question.  Also, each of the three idiots took a minute before we started to bad-mouth the current President.  Fair and balanced baby!

Newt's up first.  I predict he'll say something stupid and then I'll have to spend the next week listening to people talk about how bold and inspired it was.  Sidenote, Newt's looking even more jowlsy than usual tonight.

8:08PM: On the topic of immigration, Newt just said he would rather have his fate decided by a jury than by a Washington bureaucrat.  I've been on a jury.  There were exactly 3 people on my jury that should have had power over anything.  People are idiots.  I'd rather have my fate decided by a roulette wheel than a jury.

8:09PM: Newt says talking about climate change with Nancy Pelosi was the dumbest thing he's ever done.  That's really saying something.  I could think of at least 150 dumber things.  This also gave us a perfect look into Newt's mind, when he later told us that everything he said with Nancy Pelosi was right, but it was dumb because Nancy Pelosi made it dumb just by being there. 

8:15PM: Newt proposed replacing the EPA with an environmental solutions agency which would have to provide "economic rationale" for everything they do.  This is a perfect illustration of why you can't trust the current Republican party with the environment.  Not everything has to be profitable.  Sometimes other things are important too.

8:16PM: Newt proposes eliminating entire Federal courts if they disagree with him, but he's quick to point out that Congress would have to be with him.  See, I thought we had three independent and co-equal branches of government, but apparently it's more of a majority decision thing.

8:17PM: Just to make me angry, Newt asserts that being anti-religion is inherently anti-American.  Thanks for reminding me why I hate you, Newt. 

8:19PM: Newt says there would be no America without George Washington, and has apparently stolen something from Valley Forge to prove his point.

Newt's done.  That was awful.  Next up, Santorum.  He's just like Newt, only worse.

8:24PM: Santorum is rambling about the family again.  This guy, who claims to be a small government conservative, just criticised the government for not doing enough to encourage marriage.  Rick's great because I don't really have to write jokes for him.  He takes care of the funny on his own.

8:27PM: Rick supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion.  He also mentioned his support for a Federal definition of marriage.  Rick's government is starting to sound awfully big to me.

8:29PM: Idiot #2 is furious that the EPA is forcing Florida to not pollute their water.  She's so right, who needs clean water?  We're trying to make money here idiots!  Rick blames poorly but deliberately worded legislation.  I should say, I'm probably unfairly biased about this, since I do like to drink water sometimes, but I'm starting to think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to have votes on anything having to do with the environment.

8:31PM: Idiot #3 just asked Santorum why he thinks the founders separated Federal and State power.  We'll be back with the rest of our 7th grade social studies quiz in a minute.

8:32PM: Question about the Defense of Marriage Act, right up Rick's alley.  Rick suggests that it's the President's job to mindlessly support stupid laws that were passed before he got elected.  I'm not sure that's right.  Especially since Rick keeps talking about all the stuff that's on the books now that he won't be doing if he gets elected.

8:34PM: Rick finishes by saying that the courts aren't the only arbiters of the Constitution, but there's no time to find out who else gets to do that.  I kind of want to know.  Come on, Huck!

Next up, Rick Perry.  He has one of the squarest heads in the world.

8:38PM: Perry promises to use executive orders to effectively void most of Obamacare.  Rick's answer on how the President would have the authority to do that somehow evolved into talking about creating millions of jobs and moving toward energy independence.  I think Rick just pulled a jedi mind trick on us.  How did we get to energy independence from health care?  I was listening the whole time, and I have no idea.

8:40PM: Rick just accidentally revealed how he really created jobs in Texas, joking about how he stole jobs from Arkansas when Huckleberry was the Governor.  Why hasn't anyone pointed out how that won't work if Rick is in charge of the whole country?

8:42PM: Perry says he's been dealing with the Federal Government's unwillingness to secure the border for "over ten years now".  But somehow it's still Obama's fault.  Was it really ten years ago that I voted for him? It seems much more recent.

8:47PM: Rick appears to define "strict constructionist" as any Supreme Court justice who agrees with him.  Rick's also proposing getting rid of lifetime appointments for justices.  He's offended by the idea that the Supreme Court has the power to enforce the Constitution when Rick doesn't like what's in the Constitution.  He's less offended by the idea of the Supreme Court being able to strike down the health care law. 

8:49PM: I'm reaching my tolerance level for religious talk.  I knew the Huckleberry forum would be like this, but I still can't take much more.

8:50PM: Perry is in favor of both returning authority over abortion to the states and passing a Federal anti-abortion amendment.  How is this not big government?  This annoys me so much.

8:52PM: Perry's advice for Supreme Court justices...read the Constitution, don't read anything into it, or use any clauses.  Everyone knows Republicans hate clauses.

So far, we've only heard from the idiot side of the bracket.  Where are the people with brains?  I'm no great fan of Romney, but at least he knows things and has the ability to speak in full sentences.  Perry just answered a question by pulling a pocket Constitution out, holding it up and grunting.

OK, Bachmann's up next.  I actually think she's smarter than she lets on.  Why play dumb?  Let's just say she knows who her base is.

8:57PM: Bachmann says Obamacare is a stunning show of how far a President can go with power.  I think she missed the part where Congress passed that law, which is weird, because she was there.

8:59PM: Bachmann says illegal aliens currently cost us 113 billion dollars a year.  I have no idea if that's true or not.  She should wear a sign around her neck that somebody can light up whenever she makes up a new fact.  Just so we know when it's happening.  It would make things easier.

9:01PM:  Talking about tort reform, Bachmann hits what's becoming the theme of the night.  Huckleberry's panel of dopes keeps asking about Federal vs. State power, and the candidates keep reminding us that they don't have any problem with Federal power as long as the Federal government is doing things they like.

9:05PM: Idiot #1 just used the word evolution in a question.  He wasn't talking about actual evolution, but he's still lucky Backmann didn't freak out.  (Listening a little closer, he actually was saying the word abolition.  No wonder she was so calm, my bad).

9:07PM: Idiot #3 just pointed out that Bachmann's answer on environmental regulation was stupid nonsense (he may not have put it exactly that way).  Her response?  "Well you're making a very good point". 

9:09PM: Idiot #2 just called Bachmann a practicing lawyer.  I giggled a little.

Yeah!  My man Ron is up next!  Go get 'em Ron!

9:14PM: Ron points out that the Patriot Act wouldn't have passed if they called it what it really was, the repeal of the fourth amendment.  Then he points out that terrorism is a crime, not a war.  Idiot #2 doesn't understand. She asked Ron what he would call the 9/11 attacks.  She seems to think Ron's saying terrorism doesn't exist.  That's not what Ron's saying, idiot #2.

9:18PM: Now they're asking Ron about the environment.  Admittedly, this isn't Ron's strong suit, but he finds a way to make a good point.  The way our government works now, regulations are written by lobbyists who represent the very industries they're meant to regulate, and that's true of environmental regulations as well as banking regulations, drug regulations, etc. 

He's not wrong.  It's just that, some people would say the answer is to make our government not work like that anymore.  In contrast, Ron's answer is more along the lines of just not trying anymore and trusting the market to regulate itself.  This is where Ron and I differ.  Ron is bound by his strongly held convictions to trust that a truly free market and people would produce positive results because negative actions would ultimately be punished by the market.  Being unencumbered by such ideals, I'm less convinced. 

9:24PM:  Ron points out that he wouldn't just end Federal programs he thinks shouldn't exist, he'd phase them out.  Something tells me phasing out social security would take longer than Ron thinks it would, but kudos to him for not making one of those stupid "I'm gonna do it on my first day" promises.

9:25PM: Idiot #1 just asked a question so stupid, I refuse to comment on it.

9:27PM: If every American could read just one book, Ron says they should read a book called "The Law" by Frederic Bastiat.  That sounds about right.  I'm just happy he didn't say the bible.

Mitt's up next.  Rumor has it Huckleberry hates Mitt, but sadly Huck isn't asking the questions.  So, unless Huck starts booing while Mitt's talking or throwing things at him, we won't find out tonight if the rumors are true.

9:31PM: Mitt starts out by thanking the panel of idiots for this very interesting show.  He literally can't turn the pandering off.

9:32PM: Mitt tells us that his friends in business think the EPA was much better under George W. Bush.  Isn't that shocking?  I'm shocked.  Then he says "we need a Federal government that sees it's job as helping the private sector grow".  That pretty much sums it up. 

9:33PM: Mitt on energy..."we all like the renewables, but renewables alone won't power this economy".  Who said anything about powering the economy?  Apparently Mitt's economy is gas powered.  Seriously though, why do these people think every energy and environment question is actually an economy question?  Are they having trouble hearing?

9:37PM: Mitt is continuing with his bold strategy of avoiding flip-flops by taking both sides of arguments at the same time, answering a very direct "would you support school lunch programs, pell grants and GI Bills?" question with "in some cases yes, in some cases no".  Well done.

9:39PM: Mitt wants Supreme Court Justices who are brilliant, but won't use their own judgment in any way. 

9:40PM: Mitt's talking about his immigration record as Massachusetts Governor.  I live in Massachusetts now, and I can tell you, it's not an easy job here.  The New Hampshire border is seriously porous. 

9:42PM: I think idiot #3 just figured out Mitt's deal, saying that one of Mitt's answers sounded like a maybe.  Everything Mitt says is a maybe.

Each candidate gets a closing statement.  I'll try to summarize:

Robo-Mitt - Mitt finished by asking if we're "gonna be a free society with free people...or instead a nation governed by the government?"  Unless Mitt's proposing abolishing the government, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be both.

Perry - Perry, once again, proposed his brilliant idea of a part-time Congress.  This is such a weird idea.  First of all, they're already part-time.  Do you see how many recesses they get?  Secondly, they already don't do anything. 

My Man Ron - Ron brings up nullification.  I'm not a fan of this idea, but it's not really a surprise coming from Ron. 

Newt - Newt says this next election is the most important election since 1860.  Really good point, Barack Obama is clearly just as bad as slavery and half the country seceding.  Of course, it's also important to realize that Newt is Lincoln in that analogy.  Seriously, who would vote for this idiot? 

Bachmann - Michele talked about taking our country back.  I wish she'd tell me who has it.  Maybe we can just talk to them and get it back without all this fuss.

Santorum - Rick says America is basically morally rotting from the inside because marriage is under attack.  Most people will think Rick is saying the gays are destroying America, but maybe he just thinks Wedding Crashers was a very concerning documentary.