What Massachusetts Is Like

I'm always interested in providing important public services.  Recently I realized that while I live in Massachusetts, most of my Facebook friends, and most of the people who might read this, are not from Massachusetts, and might have no idea what it's like here.  I also think the Facebook friends I do have from Massachusetts could benefit from seeing how it looks to an outsider.  So what's Massachusetts like? 

First of all, Boston accents aren't a real thing.  I've never once met someone with a Ben Affleck style Boston accent.  I think it's just something TV and movies made up for fun.  It's not that people here have no accents.  I have one co-worker who talks a little like Peter Griffin.  He might be from Rhode Island or somewhere.  I have a friend from about an hour north of Boston.  Her accent is certainly unique, but nothing like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, or Ben Affleck in everything.  Boston accents aren't real, tell your friends.

Also, people here are obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, to like an unhealthy degree.  When I lived in New York, Dunkin Donuts was where you would go to get cheap, serviceable coffee because you didn't feel like waiting in line forever and overpaying at Starbucks.  I've lived here for five years and I've seen two Starbucks, and one of them is on my campus.  Meanwhile, on my 10-15 minute drive home, I can pass anywhere between two and five Dunkin Donuts locations.  Everyone you meet here has worked at a Dunkin Donuts at some point.  Everyone.  Sometimes you can see a Dunkin Donuts from another Dunkin Donuts.  And nobody ever actually gets donuts. 

Speaking of food, it's mostly terrible here.  I did have good Chinese food at one point this summer, and also good Italian food once last month, but those took me five years to find.  As far as I can tell, there's no such thing as a good deli here.  When I worked in Manhattan, there was this place near work called Taco Grill.  It was greasy and horrible and delicious.  And if you wanted something a little less heart clogging, there was the Great Burrito.  You cannot get a good taco in Massachusetts.  Not anywhere, not ever.  And then there's the pizza.

The pizza here is infuriating.  I've seen such horrible things.  It's like the Vietnam of pizza.  I've seen round pies cut into squares.  I've seen pies cut into 16 slices instead of 8 for no reason other than to bother me.  I've seen "thin crust" "New York Style" pizza with crust so thick you can't even really fold it in half.  There's a place right across the street from work called Peppa's.  Sometimes, if you catch them on the right day, the pizza there is almost good.  But, most of the time, the crust is just a little too thick in the most frustrating way because it's so close.  After five years here, I finally found a decent pizza place this summer.  It's a 35 minute drive and they still cut the pizza into too many slices unless you tell them not to, but at least it tastes like it's supposed to taste.

When you live in Massachusetts, you can't just go to a 7-11 or a regular little grocery store for alcohol.  When I went to Hofstra, there was this place down Hempstead Turnpike near the hospital that just sold beer and other drinks.  It might have been called the Beverage Barn.  It also might not have been called that, I don't really remember.  Massachusetts is full of places like that.  They're called package stores.  Some people also call them packys, but you don't want to associate with those people.  They're the only place you can get beer and liquor, and they're only open until like 8PM, and I think they may be completely closed on Sundays.  I thought Massachusetts was supposed to be fun.

Especially when I was at college, there was this thing where you'd call people with Massachusetts license plates massholes and say they didn't know how to drive.  After living here for five years, I don't know if people here are bad drivers, but if they are, they certainly have an excuse.  Driving here is terrifying.  All the roads are one lane, and the roads that have more then one lane usually have at least one lane under construction.  Everything here is constantly under construction, but nothing is ever finished or even better.

About a mile or two from where I work, there's this thing called a rotary.  Five or a hundred different roads converge in a circle.  There are no traffic lights to be seen, and yield and stop signs are just sort of scattered about in no particular pattern.  You have to get from one side of the circle to some road that leaves the circle somewhere else with no assistance from traffic signs or regulations.  It's a nightmare.  This summer I tried to go through the rotary to Enfield, CT but I wound up in Somers, CT, which is a solid five miles from Enfield, because I picked the wrong road because there are no signs.  If people from Massachusetts are bad drivers in New York, you really can't blame them.  They're not used to roads that go straight and are marked.

I don't know if this is a Massachusetts thing or just a reflection of this generation of stupid parents and helpless kids, but school buses stop at your house here.  When I was a kid, we had this thing called a bus stop where you'd go and the bus would sort of meet you there.  At least I think that's how it worked, I only took the bus to kindergarten.  Anyway, here, the school bus stops at every house.  I get stuck behind it on the way to work sometimes.  It just stops in front of a house and sits there until some kid comes running out, usually with at least one parent.  Then it rolls a few houses forward and picks up the next kid.  No wonder they have no public transportation here.  People would just be sitting in front of their houses wondering why the bus hasn't come to take them to work yet.

Massachusetts isn't all bad.  For one thing, when the next election comes up, I can just vote for whatever crazy third-party candidate I want because my vote doesn't really matter here.  Also, there's a Roy Rogers within driving distance of where I live.  The people here are mostly friendly too.  You have to get used to making eye contact with people when you're walking, and even saying hello sometimes, but once you do it's actually not so bad. 

The weather here is sort of a mixed bag.  Since I moved here, I've experienced a number of things I never remember seeing once in New York.  I've seen a tornado, hail, snow in October, an earthquake (which isn't really weather but still) and a hurricane even though we're nowhere near the ocean.  On the plus side you can actually see some stars here.  I'm willing to sit through a few earthquakes and tornadoes for a good night sky.

You would probably expect that I'd mention sports at some point, but really there's no need.  Sports are pretty much the same here.  Red Sox fans, once the adorable underdogs of the sports world, are just like Yankee fans now...super spoiled and terribly whiny whenever the team isn't good even though they just won a championship like two years ago.  Celtics fans are just like Knicks fans, despondent and pathetically hopeful about this new coach.  Patriots fans are just like Giants fans in the 80s when Parcells was there...unwilling or unable to shut up about the coach and how great he is and how nobody has ever coached football like he coaches football. 

Sidenote, watching this whole deflated footballs thing unfold from inside New England was fascinating.  For the record, this was the stupidest fake sports scandal in the history of what I can remember and I can't believe Brady almost missed actual games for it, but still, people here were so defensive.  If they had found Brady's fingerprints on the inside of every football in question, people here would have been like "that's totally normal, quarterbacks always thoroughly finger the inside of the footballs, STOP SINGLING BRADY OUT!!!!".

I don't mean to be so negative on where I live now.  For all I know, it could be the second best place in the world to live.  I would definitely go to college here.  There's colleges everywhere.  At Hofstra, the only other school I can remember being near us was Adelphi, and I'm pretty sure we ignored them on purpose.  Where I am now there's like 10 colleges right around here.  I'm sure the kids are having a fun time.  Massachusetts is a nice place, it just isn't New York.  But what is?

Ideas for New American Mottos

Sometimes I don't write anything for a while because I'm lazy or I've grown bored with my own sense of humor.  Other times, I don't write anything for a while because I'm stuck without power for a week while my utility company (Western Massachusetts Electric, aka FUCKYOU...err...I mean WMECO) is exploring new depths of incompetence.  I'll let you guess which one of those things is happening now.

By the way, "you" in that last sentence will probably refer to absolutely nobody since I'll be posting this around midnight on a Friday and I doubt anyone will ever read it.  I'm camping out somewhere temporary while I continue to wait for my actual apartment to have power, so I figured why not do this for a little while.

One of the few news items I've been able to pick up this week from the internet and Twitter is Congress finding some time in their busy schedule of not doing anything to re-affirm "In God We Trust" as our official motto.  I could go on and on about all the reasons why this is stupid, but in the interest of time, how about just one?  We've been trusting god for quite a while now, how's that been working out for us lately?  Maybe it's time to trust someone else for a while.  People seem to like this Tim Tebow fellow.

As always, I'm all about problem solving.  You can't just call our current motto stupid and not offer ideas for a better motto. I've got all kinds of ideas:

"In Tebow We Trust"
"First in Religion, 38th in Math"
"Home of the Filibuster"
"Made in China"
"Can We Interest You in An Abandoned Factory?"
"You Know All That Rubble in Your Country? Your Welcome"
"We Can Put Ranch Dressing on Anything"
"Canada's Beard"
"Mexico's Sombrero"
"Fuck Soccer"
"The World Leader in Foul-mouthed Cartoons"
"We Invented David Hasselhoff"
"We Can Has Gunz!"
"More Likely to Believe in Ghosts Than Evolution"
"If You Can Fry It, We Can Eat It"
"The World's Leading Exporter of Explosions"
"Where Christmas Starts on Halloween and Ends on St. Patrick's Day"
"Jesus Works For Us"
"Is George W. Who Home? I'm sorry, I Think You Have a Wrong Number"

I think that's all I've got.  I sure hope I have power by the time the next Republican debate happens.

What Can Brown Do For You?

Well, it's all over. Goodbye health care, goodbye socialism, hello Scott Brown. Oh, the poor Democrats, how will they ever get anything done when they only control 59% of the Senate and roughly just over 59% of the House? Why not just give up right now? You might say, "hey Sean, I seem to remember Republicans doing pretty much whatever the hell they wanted with quite a bit fewer votes, and I seem to remember it happening not that long ago." Nice try, but they had the Republican voodoo magic on their side (and by that, of course, I mean that you can say whatever you want about Republican policies, but, right now, they're like a billion times better at politics than the Democrats).

I watched Scott Brown's victory speech in Massachusetts and I learned a few things about our newest Senator:
1) I can see why people voted for this guy, he's super likable. I don't know a lot about where he stands on issues, though I can probably guess, but he knows how to relate to a crowd. Take away the rookie speech mistakes (like driving home the talking points a little too hard so they sound like they don't belong, like they're fake additions to his otherwise real speech, which he'll learn to stop doing) and he's really got something.
2) He has good political instincts. He spent a few minutes praising and thanking Ted Kennedy and his wife, it looked genuinely classy. Was it all fake? Maybe, but he did it and in today's politics, that's really all we expect. It's been a long time since we cared if anyone meant anything they said.
3) Scott Brown's daughter is pretty hot. You heard me.
4) Scott Brown wants to be the President.

(Before I continue, I should say that I am in no way suggesting Scott Brown would make a good President, or even that he'll definitely ever run. I'm just saying he wants to.)

How do I know that last part? First, he talked a lot about being the "independent" candidate and how the independent voice of Massachusetts elected him. We'll see if he actually votes independently when he gets to Washington (I'm predicting no, not even a little), but that's campaign talk that means "if you've had it with both parties, vote for me". Since the percentage of people in this country who've had it with both parties might get near 100% by 2012, that sounds like a pretty good strategy.

Second, he talked a lot about national issues. For example, he mentioned the upcoming terror trials in New York and how Constitutional rights protect us, not terrorists. Setting aside Mr. Brown's tragically simplistic understanding of how Constitutional rights protect us, can anyone tell me what that has to do with being the new Senator from Massachusetts? The answer is nothing, that whole section of his speech was a national campaign section. I could go on, but if you watched Scott Brown last night, I doubt I have to convince you.

So, how does he do it?
Step 1: Health Care. I know I said this election wouldn't impact health care, but I'm having second thoughts. I may have underestimated the cowardice of Democrats (impossible right? maybe not). I could see 6 or 7 moderate Democrats using this as an excuse to run scared from the health care bill. This would reset the issue and Mr. Brown would be in a unique position to show himself to be a reasonable Republican who will break from his party leadership and support a good bill that covers more people and regulates the industry. Normally a brand new Senator wouldn't be able to get in and be such a big part of such a major bill, but the Democrats will work with him if he's the only Republican willing to talk. The chances of Brown actually doing this? Like .0001%, but he should.

Step 2: Vote Against Earmarks. All of them, and don't even think about taking any for Massachusetts. In reality, this is pretty stupid. Earmarks are a big part of how we get federal money to the states, which is sometimes necessary. But guess what? Most voters don't know that, they think earmarks are all multi-million dollar highway rest areas named after members of Congress, and people hate earmarks. Plus, if Scott Brown does plan on running for President, he doesn't have to worry so much about what he gets for Massachusetts, because he's not planning to go back there. The chances of this happening may actually be pretty good.

Step 3: Don't Say Crazy Things. Don't call the President a socialist. Don't say the health care bill includes death panels. Basically, get away from the Glenn Becks of the world. Brown wants independents, you can't get them by standing next to the lunatics. People are looking for someone reasonable, someone who can respectfully disagree and offer a better idea.

Step 4: Learn. I still say this is Sarah Palin's biggest ongoing mistake. Look, she was pretty dumb in 2008, but they grabbed her out of the middle of nowhere and asked her to be the VP candidate, so what did we expect? She should have finished her term as Governor, disappeared for six months while getting a crash course in everything and then come back looking smart and knowledgeable compared to her earlier self, and ready to run. Instead, she released a book and decided to work for Fox.

I don't know if Scott Brown is stupid, but I know he's never been a national figure before and he'll have a lot to learn on national (and international) issues. He needs to go to school (ya know, metaphorically, he doesn't have time for actual school, he's a Senator now). Learn everything he can about foreign policy, national security and everything else a serious candidate needs to know about. Running for President isn't about being right all the time, it's about having an informed opinion all the time. He needs to resist the temptation to mock so-called "academic elites" and, instead, get a little elite himself. Being elite isn't a bad thing. Knowing more than your opponent isn't a bad thing. I don't know if Scott Brown can get to where he knows more than Barack Obama, but he can at least get to where he looks like he belongs on the stage with him.

These aren't the only things he'd need to do, but they're the first things that come to mind for me. Will these four things get him my vote? Hell no. The Republican platform has so many positions that annoy me right now, he'd really have to piss off the party to get me to consider him. But I'm just one vote. I'm talking about getting 50.1% of people to vote for him. Do I think that will happen? Probably not. But like I said, I'm not saying Scott Brown is going to be the next President, I'm just saying he wants to, so he's worth keeping an eye on.

The Search For Meaning

I've become fascinated by today's special election in Massachusetts. This is for the seat Ted Kennedy held since he took over for the guy who took over for his brother. JFK won it from a guy named Henry Cabot Lodge, Jr., which sounds made up, but it isn't. Apparently, that was just one in a series of electoral ass kickings the Kennedys dished out to the Lodges. OK, this doesn't really sound that fascinating so far.

Actually, I'm not fascinated by the election so much as by the coverage. Fox is in the middle of some kind of teabagging orgy right now (wow, that must sound super dirty to anyone who doesn't follow politics and doesn't know what I'm referring to). MSNBC is in full panic mode, if this doesn't go well for them, Ed Schultz might set the building on fire.

I find myself asking one question. Why? Come to think of it, I find myself asking my TV some variation of that question quite a bit lately? Like this weekend when I was flipping around and wound up watching about 10 minutes of MTV's Jersey Shore. Why aren't those people in prison? Or at the very least, exiled to Saint Helena like Napoleon? I have no idea. Or, if you prefer something more related to today's topic, last Friday I heard Sean Hannity refer to the possibility of the Republican winning this special election as a "political earthquake, magnitude 9.9". I don't think Hannity was trying to offend anyone, it's a pretty widely used figure of speech, and I've got plenty of better reasons to call Sean a bad guy, but damn dude.

Let's meet the candidates first. The Democratic candidate is Martha Coakley. As far as I can tell, she was trying to become, possibly, the first U.S. Senator to win her seat without campaigning. If a bad campaign is a train wreck (hello John McCain!), the Coakley train didn't even leave the station until sometime last week. I've seen her make one speech, on Sunday. It was awful. The only thing I learned about her platform is that she likes applause. On top of that, her campaign apparently spelled Massachusetts wrong in an ad. At this point, I wouldn't vote for her if she was running against a plate of nachos, because at least the nachos would be delicious. She doesn't even have a good Boston accent. It's like the Democrats were trying to win with a degree of difficulty. Also, I think her campaign slogan "Red Sox suck, Coakley for Senate" may have been a mistake.

The Republican is Scott Brown. It seems like he emerged a few months ago from a laboratory that creates politicians. I know he owns a truck and plans to vote against the health care bill. Seriously, how bad have our politics become that a guy can become incredibly popular and exceed all reasonable expectations by pointing to one thing and talking about how he has no intention of doing it. I've seen him standing in front of signs that say "jobs", but I have yet to see evidence that he has a plan for how to create jobs. Except, of course, the Republican magic of tax cuts. People say every problem looks like a nail to a guy with a hammer. For Republicans, every tax cut looks tax cut a tax cut. TAX CUT!

Democrats will have you believe this election means next to nothing (I mostly agree with them, but it's funny how every political defeat is so meaningless if you ask the losing party. If Coakley was up by 30 points, something tells me Democrats would be squawking about how this is a firm endorsement of their agenda). Well, the one Martha Coakley speech I saw, she was introducing the President. He went to Boston on Sunday to campaign for her. By the way, this was a good move by the President. You could say if Coakley loses he'll look weak. But the truth is, if Coakley loses, he is weak. So I'm not really buying the Democrats' whole this isn't that important line when they're bringing the closer out of the bullpen. "Oh, this election isn't a huge deal, Barack just really wanted to see Boston in January".

Meanwhile, Republicans will tell you the fate of world rests on this election. Scott Brown will kill Obamacare and end socialism once and for all. If Scott Brown wins, then every Republican will win in November, all of them, no matter what. I was looking forward to what Barack Obama was going to do with the next three years, but apparently a Brown victory will force him to immediately resign in shame. Tough break. Especially since it would leave us with President Biden. I'm not sure what a Biden Presidency would look like, but I feel like we'd start blowing more stuff up.

What this election really means, of course, is that both parties, Democrats especially, can't take anything for granted at this point. Midterm elections are all about turnout, and turnout is all about energy. Democratic energy is pretty low right now, because even when we elect the people they want, they still don't get anything done. Republican energy is high right now, I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with socialism, or death panels, or tea. I really don't know. I mean, I like tea, but I don't think I'd vote for Scott Brown.

More than anything else, I'm struck by what seems to be a desperation for every little thing to have meaning. In November, two Gubernatorial races and one upstate New York House seat were the end of the political world. Back then, the Republicans lost the House seat because the original Republican wasn't conservative enough for the teabaggers, so some empty vessel third party guy jumped in and the Democrats took a seat they had no business winning. Simultaneously, the Democrats had two awful candidates who ran two awful campaigns and they lost two Governors, as they should have. What we learned then, and what we're learning now, is simply that bad candidates make bad candidates, and they often lose.

Some say this Senate special election is more important because it's the 60th seat. Scott Brown can kill health care. Really? The leadership won't just find some other way to buy the 60th vote from someone? Olympia Snowe's always been on the fence, maybe we can give Maine 100 million dollars for lobster subsidies. Honestly, I'm not super worried about health care, especially since the bill's pretty crappy by now anyway.

What happens today isn't a referendum on the President or his agenda. It isn't a valid indicator of what will happen in November. I don't think it'll even have a great deal of policy impact. It's not like the Democrats knew what to do with 60 votes when they had them. All today's election means is that it's important to find good candidates who run solid campaigns. If both parties didn't know that already, I don't know what to tell you.