We Need Better Holidays

This week's convergence of Valentine's Day and President's Day has led me to the following conclusion: These holidays all suck. Go look through a calendar, look at all the nonsense holidays. It's not all nonsense, but there's a lot of nonsense in there. Somebody has to do something about this, and I nominate me. I'm not saying we cancel the holidays, we all need days off work. I'm saying we're America and we can do better! Some holidays can stay, but many need replacing, or at least updating. Let's do this month by month.

January
January's main holidays are New Years and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. They can both stay. We need to celebrate the new year sometime and it's important that we all recognize the fulfilment of Dr. King's dream that, one day, people of all races would come together to not have work, or school. Can we move black history month to January though? Why isn't Martin Luther King Jr. Day during black history month? How hard is that? Who plans these things? This idea would also get black history month out of February and into a real month, thus rectifying the greatest injustice of our time.

February
This is where it starts to get ugly. President's Day? Look, if Lincoln and Washington can't even have their own days anymore, then why even bother? Valentine's Day? Sorry, we're getting rid of all made up, greeting card holidays. And don't even get me started on Groundhog Day. So first, obviously, we're giving the former Presidents back their own holidays. Washington gets the second Monday and Lincoln gets the third, and we get off for both. Lincoln freed the slaves, how is that not good enough for his own day?

I'm also adding a day. I think we should all celebrate Purim. You heard me. Look, I don't know much about Purim, but I know when I worked at Hofstra the Rabbi used to always bring me a pastry and a little note about Purim, and it was pretty awesome. One problem though, sometimes Purim is in March. Jewish holidays are a mess, they're all over the place. I think we need to help them. Let's pin Purim down on February 23rd every year. This also makes life a little more fair, because I'll be taking away most of the Christian holidays, but not all of them. So I think Judaism deserves one, and I'm picking Purim.

March
St. Patrick's Day? Come on. Listen, speaking as someone who is 100% Irish, I can tell you that we don't need you to make up an excuse for us to get drunk, we can take care of drinking excuses all on our own. As for the rest of you, I'm tired of you all pretending to be Irish every year. I'm putting an end to this. Luckily, I have a perfect replacement. I say, every year, we make sure baseball season starts on March 30th. Everyone gets a day off to watch baseball, and you can still drink if you want to. Works for me.

April
Easter's a mess too, I never know when Easter is. Every year I'm just sitting here and all of a sudden it's good Friday. Also, I try not to mock religion too much here, but even when I used to go to church, the whole premise of Easter seemed a little thin to me. I'm inclined to get rid of it completely, but I do like the hard boiled eggs and other people like the chocolate. So first, we clean up the mess. Easter is April 3rd every year. Done. Second, we change the name. Chocolate Day is a little too on the nose and a little too specific. Candy Day sounds like a strip club holiday for some reason. Bunny Day? That kinda sounds like a strip club holiday too. Naming holidays is hard.

I've got it! Spring Break is a national holiday every year. OK, so forget about April 3rd, Spring Break week is the second week in April. You start the week, on the Sunday before, with chocolate and alcohol, and you end the week, on the last Sunday, with hard boiled eggs as part of breakfast. They'll help with the hangovers. This also works because a lot of people get at least a week off for Easter or Passover (yeah, Spring Break is replacing Passover too), so keeping it a week long holiday solves that problem. I love this idea.

May
Memorial Day stays, no questions asked. I'd sign off on a Memorial Day every month if people wanted one. Mother's Day? Sorry, another greeting card holiday, and we don't even get a day off for it. Also, shouldn't we be able to summon the humanity to be nice to our mothers once a year without someone telling us to? Since we don't get a day off for Mother's Day, it doesn't really need replacing. I'd also like the Tuesday after Memorial Day off, no reason, just because.

June
Everything I said about Mother's Day goes for Father's Day too. June needs a holiday though. We could celebrate the summer solstice. Of course, we could also sacrifice animals and virgins to our gods, but we're not pagans and this isn't the 4th century BC, so no thanks. I have a much better, and frankly, long overdue idea. June 13th is now Carrier Day. Every year, on June 13th, we will celebrate Willis Haviland Carrier, inventor of air conditioning. The beginning of summer is a perfect time for this, and if you still want to get your dad something, you can buy him an air conditioner.

July

Independence Day can stay. Honestly, it's not my favorite holiday, but fireworks are pretty and July doesn't really have that much else to offer. We can probably spruce it up a little though. Let's combine it with Halloween, which I'll be banishing from October anyway. From now on, for the 4th of July, kids can dress up as their favorite founding father. This would be a real boon for the powered wig industry, which somehow missed the boat on a government bailout. You don't get candy though, just fireworks and freedom.

August

August is the worst month. It's hot, there's nothing going on, kids have nothing to look forward to but going back to school. Why we haven't put a good holiday somewhere in the middle of this month is really beyond me. I'm moving Labor Day to the third week of August, and making it Labor Week. Each day could have a theme, like Monday could be railroad day. For the kids, Friday's theme would be Jimmy Hoffa. It would be just like an Easter egg hunt, only instead of eggs, you'd hide little Jimmy Hoffa dolls all over your house and let the kids find them. Fun for everyone, and it would give birth to a new industry of Jimmy Hoffa doll making.

September
I moved Labor Day because I already had a great idea for September. The second Sunday of September is when we'll observe the beginning of football season. We get Friday off to draft fantasy teams and Monday off to talk about the success or failure of our fantasy teams, and possibly also to try and recover from gambling losses. The most important part of this would be completely getting rid of the NFL's Thursday night season opener. Football happens on Sunday, and then one extra game happens Monday. And that's it. No Thursday. NO THURSDAY!

October
Columbus Day might be my least favorite holiday. First of all, I'm not sure "discovered" is the proper word to describe what happens when you accidentally stumble across land that other people already live on. That's like going to visit your neighbors and then claiming to have discovered the pool you didn't know they had in their backyard. It had already been discovered, you just didn't know about it yet, and finding out about it doesn't make it your pool. Columbus Day is definitely out.

Halloween's out too. Candy on Halloween is the same as greeting cards on Mother's Day or Valentine's Day. It's just a made up holiday to sell stuff. Also, aren't we sort of heading this way anyway? How many more years of Halloween do you think we get before paranoid parents all decide they can't let their kids go around the neighborhood wearing masks and asking strangers for candy? 20 years? 30 years? Why wait?

So October needs an influx of new holidays. I've got two ideas, and I think we only need to pick one, or we could do both, either way works for me. My first idea would involve promoting some holidays from the minor leagues. In Alaska, October 18th is Alaska Day. Why can't everyone celebrate Alaska? October 24th is United Nations Day, which we should probably enjoy while it lasts. That's only my second favorite October idea though. You may have noticed I didn't mention April Fools Day in April. Well, if everybody knows it's April Fools Day, you can't really fool anyone. I say we make it April Fools Month, and move it to October (still calling it April Fools Month). People would be totally fooled.

November
Just like Memorial Day, Veterans Day stays, period. Thanksgiving's a real toss-up for me. First of all, who am I supposed to be thanking? Secondly, turkey is like 13th on my list of favorite meats. Also, Thanksgiving promotes more football on Thursdays, and I'm still not a fan. On the plus side, it's two days off from work and kids like the parade. Also, we just started having Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle's house a couple of years ago, and my aunt's a really good cook, so there's that. The verdict? I'm putting Thanksgiving on probation. It can stay for now, but we're re-evaluating it in ten years, and we're changing the turkey to bacon.

December
Christmas stays. Christians hate hearing this, but Christmas has become so disassociated from religion, that really everyone can celebrate it. I'm making one tweak, everyone gets the week between Christmas and New Years off. Everyone. No exceptions. Regardless of all the awesome new holidays I just created, Christmas is still the king of the holidays, and it always will be. Why? Because everyone loves presents. Sometimes it's just that simple.

Christmas In The NFL

For me, this is one of the most boring weeks of the year. I had work until the 23rd, but there weren't any students around, so there wasn't a lot to do. TV is especially Christmasy, which makes me especially not interested in it. Even most sports talk radio guys take the week off. This means I have to find a way to keep myself entertained, so welcome to what might be my longest blog post ever. I'm getting Christmas presents for every team in the NFL. Sure, I could just make NFL playoff predictions like most other people are doing around now, but where's the fun in that? Here we go...

I'm getting the Oakland Raiders paper bags with eye holes cut out, so they can re-gift them to their fans. This won't cost as much as you think, paper bags are cheap and there can't be more than a few hundred Raider fans left. I know they beat a few playoff teams this year, but I've seen the Raiders play four times (Giants, Jets, Thanksgiving at Dallas and for some reason the NFL thought I needed to see them play Washington week 14) and every single one of those games was an abomination. Their punter is, at worst, their second best player. If you objectively ranked every team in the NFL each week based on the last week's performance, I think the Raiders would have landed squarely at the bottom more than any other team this season.

I'm giving the San Diego Chargers two tickets to Disneyland, because I say this is the year they win it all. I feel like I'm out on a limb a little here. First, I'm backing Norv Turner in the playoffs, never smart. Second, they'll have to win in Indy, not easy. Still, I don't trust the Colts and I don't trust the Saints, and a team with this much talent has to win sometime, even with Norv Turner, I say the time is now.

I feel like the Denver Broncos will never really get over John Elway. The quarterbacks they've had since him aren't helping. I'm getting them a cloning machine. But, they can only use it to make another Elway. If they make any other clones, they can't keep the Elway clone. This sounds like a fair deal.

I've always liked the Kansas City Chiefs. I was willing to kidnap Larry Johnson for them, but they seem to have gotten rid of him on their own. So, what do you do when you have a great gift for someone and then you find out at the last minute that it's ruined? That's right, I'm stopping at 7-11 and getting the Chiefs a card and some stale chocolate.

I'm getting the Tennessee Titans big signs for their locker room and sideline. The signs will say "give the ball to Chris Johnson!". We may also need a smaller sign for the inside of Vince Young's facemask, in case he gets any crazy ideas about throwing the ball to other people. I can't remember the last time I saw one football player be so much better and more valuable than everyone else on his team. This happens more often in other sports, I feel like it's rarest in football. Also, four teams drafted running backs before him last year, everyone involved in all four of those decisions should be fired immediately.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the easiest team to shop for. They're getting some moving vans, because they clearly aren't hanging around Jacksonville too much longer. This was a terrible idea to begin with. At no point in my young, pre-Jaguars, life did I ever think "man, I can't believe Jacksonville doesn't have a football team."

For the Houston Texans, a better name. Houston Texans is a little to close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for me. I know! How about the Oilers? That would be perfect. What? You think someday they'd move the Houston Oilers to Tennessee? No, who would be stupid enough to do that? Why would anyone move a football team to Tennessee? All opinions are valid here, but you have to use some logic.

I'm getting the Indianapolis Colts a whole team of world class, super intelligent doctors. These doctors will be responsible for Bob Sanders, and only Bob Sanders. No more important NFL player is more often injured for big chunks of the season than Bob Sanders, and I think it's why the Colts don't win the Superbowl this year.

The Cincinnati Bengals are getting new uniforms. I could give a lot of teams new uniforms, but I think the Bengals are most in need. The Halloween colors, the ridiculous tiger strips all over the place, the constant mixing and matching of shirt and pants colors, just a total mess. This is really a gift for the whole country.

The Cleveland Browns are an atrocity. I can't remember another instance of a team with so much talent becoming a team with so little talent so quickly. I'm getting them a one-way ticket to somewhere in Canada, they're joining the CFL. I think a fresh start would do them some good, and that leads us right to our next gift...

...I'm moving the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland, because it's the right thing to do. And because people in Baltimore should be rooting for the Redskins, the way god intended.

What do you get the Pittsburgh Steelers? They already have so much great stuff. I think I'm getting them a new coach. Why? Because I think every NFL team should have the chance to be coached by Mike Tomlin for a couple of years, so we've got to get moving on this and get him out of Pittsburgh. This isn't really a gift for the Steelers, you say? Think of it like one of those Christmas movies, where the real gift is learning how to share.

The New York Jets are getting a copy of Madden 10. Why? Living in New York (technically Connecticut, but I choose not to recognize that) I see the Jets every week. The Jets' offense is atrocious. Not so much the turnovers, that happens, it's more about the actual plays for me. I hate almost every offensive play the Jets run. I'm not just talking about the play calling, the plays themselves bother me. It's like the Jets' offense was designed by the same guys who designed the Ford Pinto (take that, 1970's Ford executives!). I think Madden would help them play around with some ideas, maybe some new formations, really get them thinking.

If I'm a fan of any NFL team, it's the New England Patriots. So, I'd like to get them something nice. I'd like to give them back their old name, let's call them the Boston Patriots again. I know plenty of people from other New England states who root for the Sox and the Celtics. I don't hear them bitching about how those teams don't represent all of New England. Also, Boston's super cool, what team wouldn't want to be from Boston? New England's not even a real place, it's just sort of a hypothetical area of states. This would be like calling the Seahawks the Northwest Seahawks. Stupid, right? I started this paragraph as a joke, but now I think I'm serious, somebody should do something about this.


I had a few ideas for the Buffalo Bills. I wanted to get them some nice skin lotion, but I wasn't sure everyone would get my clever reference. Then I thought maybe I'd get them a new NFL rule that says if they get to the Superbowl again, they automatically win, because it just gets depressing after a while. I don't really like tinkering with the rules though. So, I settled on hot wings for everyone, and plenty of blue cheese.

The Miami Dolphins need a way to get Bill Parcells to stay around for a while. You know he's leaving soon, he can't help himself. So I'm going to work on getting them some good dirt on Bill, I think that's the best way. He seems like the kind of guy who does plenty of things he shouldn't do, I just need some pictures.

My gift to the Philadelphia Eagles will be very similar to what I'm getting the Titans. More big signs, the Eagles' signs will say "give the ball to DeSean Jackson!". But, since we're dealing with Andy Reid, I may have to get creative and have them say something like "give the ball to DeSean Jackson and win a free pizza!" Did you see DeSean Jackson destroy the Giants last Sunday? He looked like a division one college star playing against a pee wee football team, it was unreal. Six teams drafted wide receivers before him last year, once again, I suggest immediate firings.

Clearly, the Washington Redskins need a new owner. I'm perfectly willing to step in and do it myself. I bid $300. Going once, going twice...

I'm getting the Dallas Cowboys tickets to Miami for February 7th, because I've got them winning the NFC. I'm not at all that confident in this pick. In fact, I just went through all seven NFC contenders in my head, and I hate all of them. But, Dallas can run the ball, their defense may be peaking at the right time and somebody's going to have to beat the Saints in New Orleans, which the Cowboys just did. (holy crap, did I just pick Norv Turner vs. Wade Phillips in the Superbowl? Yes. I'm also picking hell freezing over this winter and pigs flying later this year)

The New York Giants are getting a lump of coal. I don't know what it is about the Giants, they just annoy me. Maybe I've just seen too much of them in my life. Maybe it's because they don't even play in New York. Maybe it's just how constantly irritating Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan have been since they retired. I don't know, but they get coal, and no playoffs this year.

I'll need to iron out some of the details on this one, but I'm getting the Minnesota Vikings some kind of addiction counselor. Why? Because I fear they're in danger of becoming addicted to Brett Favre. I can see two, maybe three (maybe 12) more summers of him retiring, and then maybe unretiring, but then he doesn't want to come to training camp, but then August is almost over and he misses football. This could go on forever, the Vikes will need help, someone to help them get clean and move on. I wonder if one of those guys from Intervention on A&E would do it.

I think it's obvious what the Green Bay Packers want, they just want some cheese. Eight home games of having to look around at all the fake cheese on peoples' heads has to make you hungry for some real cheese. I'm pretty sure I know someone who used to work in a cheese shop (either that, or I know someone who never worked in a cheese shop, but my brain has decided she did for some reason, I do that sometimes, I'm not sure why) so I can get this done.


The Detroit Lions are another obvious one. I'm getting them a wide receiver in the first round of next year's draft. Obviously, they just didn't give Matt Millen's plan of drafting nothing but receivers enough time to work. And, frankly, they still don't have two good ones.

The Chicago Bears are one of the more difficult teams to shop for. I look at them on paper and think they should be a pretty good team, but every time I see them on the field it's a total disaster. I'll have to invent a gift, not really invent, just modify something else that already exists. I'm getting the Bears a football on a string. Jay Culter can tie it to his wrist so he can't give the ball away anymore. Yes, it's going to be difficult to score this way, but it can't get any worse, so why not give it a shot?

I'd like to give the Tampa Bay Buccaneers some patience. I really like their new coach, he looks like he knows what he's doing. They've been terrible this year and I'm already hearing that he's on the hot seat. I'd like to see him get a couple of more years, I think he may be worth holding onto. If I can't get them patience, how about just a truckload of their old uniforms so they can start wearing them again. Those things were great.

The Carolina Panthers obviously need a quaterback, and I'm here to help. No, they can't have an Elway clone. They need the number one pick. It's too late for this year, so I have to work for next year. What's the best way to get to 0-16 and the number one pick in the 2011 draft. Four words: New coach Rod Marinelli. We can make this happen Carolina, together.

I wish I could get the New Orleans Saints tickets to Miami for the Superbowl, but they just seem to be cracking a little at the wrong time. I hope I'm wrong about this, I'd love to see them bring a championship back to New Orleans. I feel like the Saints may need a new name too. I know, Saints makes good sense for the city, but I'm not really afraid of the Saints. Ohhh, the Saints are coming to get me. See what I mean? How about the New Orleans Swamp Monsters? No. The New Orleans Witch Doctors? Closer. Got it. The New Orleans Voodoo. Done.

The Atlanta Falcons may have been the hardest team to shop for. After a promising season last year, this season has been one disaster after another. Matt Ryan almost murdered my fantasy team all by himself (luckily for me, neither Matt Ryan's toe or Ronnie Brown's annual season ending injury can stop Chris Johnson from carrying me to a championship). Honestly, I just don't care that much about The Falcons. What do you get for the people you don't care about? That's right, I'm sending the Falcons a fruit cake.

Next up, the St. Louis Rams. What do you get for the team that has nothing? I may need a loan for this one, but I think I'm getting them a new stadium. I know they aren't the only dome team, but there's something about the Rams' dome that I especially don't like and while I can't afford a new stadium for every dome team, I'm hoping my generosity will inspire others to buy new stadiums for all the dome teams. That's my campaign slogan when I run for President, "An end to dome football in our lifetime."

I'd like to get the San Francisco 49ers some talent. Mike Singletary is my favorite NFL coach, narrowly beating out Mike Tomlin. When I take over ownership of the Redskins, I'm offering him whatever he wants to come be my new coach. Problem is, his team is terrible. His awesome coaching has them scratching out 6 to 8 wins a year, instead of the 2 they ought to be getting, so they don't get high draft picks and they don't get any better. They're trapped in some sort of crazy loop of great coaching and terrible players, I need to step in and free them.

The Arizona Cardinals play in University of Arizona stadium. That's kind of embarrassing, right? It's not like Arizona's even a great football school. Cardinal stadium would be boring, that's not any better. I need to get them some corporate sponsorship. Something that fits their distinguished history. Something that says perpetual failure. Wait, actually, forget the corporate sponsorship, Arizona Cardinal stadium might be perfect.

I was ready to move the Seattle Seahawks to Canada too, because ideally, we'd like to have an even number of teams after I move the Browns. But Seattle just had the Sonics stolen from them, and I couldn't do it to the good people of Seattle. In fact, I think the Seahawks and their fans deserve something special. I may need some help on this. Can we get them Pearl Jam to play a concert before every home game? How awesome would that be? I could also kidnap the Sonics from Oklahoma and bring them back to Seattle, but then Oklahoma would steal them back again. Eventually, I'd wind up having to destroy the entire state of Oklahoma, I'm not sure I'm up for that.

Canadian Baby Boomers And The War On Christmas

I was watching TV during lunch today and I saw the President give yet another speech designed to get feckless Senate democrats to just use the majority they have and do something useful already. Good luck with that, Mr. President. He talked a lot today about the deficit and CBO scoring, so I guess he figures the biggest obstacle to a health care bill is the cost. Well, the biggest obstacle he can talk about out loud anyway. He can't just come out and say that Joe Lieberman is bought and paid for by health insurance companies and is just blocking health care reform for campaign money and political revenge, because that wouldn't be nice. He also can't say that Joe Lieberman is only an independent because neither party really wants him, that too wouldn't be nice. So, I'll get to the war on Christmas in a minute, but first, all this talk about money and health care gave me a new idea.

Insuring so many more people would cost money. A public option would cost money, subsidies would cost money, adding more people to medicare would cost money. Everything costs money. The President optimistically believes a good reform bill would ultimately save us money, and it might, but there's no guarantee. At the same time, the federal deficit is under increasing stress from retiring baby boomers qualifying for medicare and social security. This makes it even harder to sell anything that costs money. So here's the idea, send all the baby boomers to Canada.

I love this idea. First of all, Canada is great. They have hockey, maple syrup, snow, health care, more syrup. And baby boomers may be too old to learn a new language, but I don't think they're too old to learn a cool new Canadian accent. Also, I'm not 100% positive on this, but I'm pretty sure everyone who becomes a new Canadian citizen gets a free moose. If Canada doesn't like it, too bad. We've been putting up with their Celine Dions and their Trebeks for years, it's really the least they can do. You think we would miss our baby boomer friends and relatives? That's why Canada is such a fantastic idea. It's right there. I was in Detroit once, I could have traveled right to Canada via bridge OR tunnel. How much easier does it need to be? So there you go, I solved health care, what's next?

Oh yeah, the war on Christmas. I don't know if I can solve this one so easily. On the other hand, this is another one of those times when I get to disagree with everybody, so there's that. First though, let me say that I don't blame Bill O'Reilly (who is sort of the king of this issue) or Glenn Beck (who is a good bet to cry at some point in the next nine days about how there isn't a nativity scene somewhere) for talking about this. It's an interesting debate, it gets good ratings and the outrage they show isn't anymore disingenuous or fraudulent than the outrage they show about anything else. So I'm laying off Bill and Glenn today (and Glenn's lucky, Monday night he did a whole show about how environmentalism is really just a way to replace god with the planet, because god gave us liberty and if you replace god then government can take away our liberty, I almost threw something at my TV). I'm talking more about the people who listen to them, or argue with them, the people who really get up for this issue. I suppose my only real question is, why?

I guess I can sympathize with where Christians are coming from on this, at least to an extent. If you believe in your religion, and you perceive the country to be burying it when it used to be such an accepted part of the culture, I can see how that would be concerning. I just have one problem. If you told the Jesus in the bible that some places don't want to put Christmas symbols on public property, because it makes people of other faiths uncomfortable, do you think he'd say "screw those people! They're gonna look at little plastic baby me on the state house lawn and like it!"? If you wished him happy holidays, would he respond by putting a big "we say merry Christmas" bumper sticker on his donkey as a passive aggressive FU to all the happy holidays people? I know I'm the last person who should be telling religious people how to be religious, but I went to 12 years of Catholic school, and I feel like I have an OK grasp on the basics. So, do you really think Jesus would be that dickish about Christmas? Probably not, right?

The other people, the people who act honestly offended by Christmas, I have considerably less sympathy for them. I understand the church and state implications of religious symbols on public land, and I don't want religion anywhere near public schools, but sometimes you just say "who cares?" Is anyone honestly offended by Christmas? Really?

First of all, Christmas is barely even a religious holiday anymore (I know Christians hate this, but shhhh for a minute, I'm on your side for once). Everyone gets off work for Christmas, and the people who have to work usually get overtime or weekend pay or a floating holiday or something. We treat Christmas the same way we treat the Fourth of July, it's a national holiday. So, I say anyone who complains about seeing Christmas symbols has to go to work next Thursday and Friday while the rest of us are going to church (or in my case, sleeping late). They have to sit in their empty offices and be sad and not get any extra pay for it. Deal?

Second, Christmas is just fun. There's lights and cookies and a big fat guy with presents. You have parties where you can watch your stupider co-workers jeopardize their jobs. It's an excuse to give presents to people you care about. We get weeks of awful television and music that I can't stand, but other people seem to enjoy. I like fun things, don't you like fun things?

Also, I really don't like political correctness, not even a little. I'm not talking about not saying words that are legitimately offensive and hateful and have no place in society. That's not political correctness, that's being a grown-up. Here's an example of what I'm talking about. I used to work in an office where we had a secret santa gift exchange every year. Then, one year, we called it secret snowflake, and we weren't allowed to say secret santa anymore. Everytime someone said secret snowflake to me, I lost a few brain cells in a tiny explosion of rage in my mind.

Christmas is also an excellent chance to do good things. It's a chance to donate to a charity or bring food to a soup kitchen or give toys to poor children. Would I like to think that if there was no Christmas we'd find other reasons to do these things? Sure, but for now we have Christmas, so why not take the opportunity to do something good. We can argue about which religion is right, or if god is even there, in January, after people get food and toys and jackets.

I'd like to see a truce in the culture war, just for Christmas. If you celebrate Christmas, and someone wishes you happy holidays, just say something nice back. If you don't celebrate Christmas, and someone wishes you a merry Christmas, I promise they aren't secretly trying to indoctrinate you and your kids. I think most people already get this, but for everyone else, Christmas is a good time to be nice to people. Christmas can be crappy for real reasons. Christmas sucks if you're alone, it can suck if you lost a family member recently, it sucks if you lost your job this year and you can't afford gifts. It can suck even more if you try to reach out to someone by saying happy holidays and you get an earful because they say merry Christmas. It can suck even more if you can't afford gifts for your kids, but you can still take them to the park to see the big shiny tree, only it's gone this year because someone called it offensive. Dramatic scenarios? Sure, fine, all I'm saying is, everyone be nice for a couple of weeks, because it's Christmas. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, just be nice because there's a way to be a person.

Is it ironic for me to start by suggesting the deportation of baby boomers and end by asking everyone to be nice? Sure, as always, I'm a puzzle. What do these two things have to do with each other? If you're one of the millions of Americans who can't afford health care, and you spent all year hearing about how the President and Congress were on the job, and now you see that we're getting either a craptastic health care bill or no health care bill, wouldn't that be the crappiest Christmas of all?